illi1111

Hi All!

I'm just taking it as it comes over here. AV has been very quiet. Which is good because I'm just feeling worn down. I have an appointment with my doctor next week and I think I'm going to ask for something to help with this depression. I don't think I should be feeling this bad.

On the positive side I got to spend time with my best friend on Monday. We made bath bombs and lotion bars. It was super fun and instant gratification. I love crafty stuff but haven't had the patience lately. It was good to get my hands dirty.lol

Congratulations to everyone who made to 30 days!! I'm so proud of all of us!!

I don't post much but I read all the posts and just knowing you guys are there makes me fight harder to remain sober

strugglingJim

day 30 is done, off to uncharted territory. pretty sure its been 40 years since I've done more than 30 days

Dee74

Congratulations Jim

D

Odelle

Congratulations on 30 days Jim!!!

Odelle

Hi Illi, I’m happy to hear that you are going to talk to your doctor about the depression. You are right; there is no sense in suffering if there is a medication to make you feel better, good luck! Mmmmm, bath bombs and lotion bars, I can smell them from here!

bandicoot2

Sorry to hear that Dee--hope you feel better soon!

The only good thing about a migraine is how wonderful you feel when it's over. Take care!

Dee74

Thanks bandicoot

D

patricia68

Feel better soon Dee!

Dee74

Thanks Patricia - doing ok

D

Caramel

Day 12, haven't had a lot to say here today, have had a headache and no appetite and generally felt foggy. Avoided coffee today and will discipline myself to be in bed at a reasonable hour instead of waiting till I feel tired.
Well-done on progress, everyone! Thanks for being here.

Nic233

Hi all!!!
Shanti, Lulu,and Jim , Sunflower, KBD, Delilah and Bandi– Well done on 30 days! How amazing is that? Keep on going!!!! One month TICK !!

LISA- I think you’re very brave sharing your house with the huntsman! I’d be out of there quicker than jack flash! My friend told me that when her Daughter was crawling she watched one disappear down her mouth **vomit**!!! Lol
STRONGBIRD- I am also having very vivid regular drinking dreams.. I wake up so unsettled but thankfully we are actually sober hey!! It seems a common thing to dream of alcohol after giving it up.. Let’s be grateful that we have kicked the booze- and that in itself is HUGE!!
SUNFLOWER- Never apologise for an off the topic rant! Rant away! Anytime! Anyway I don’t feel it’s too off the topic. I think a lot of us are struggling with trying not to replace the alcohol with food/sugar. I know I am. 4 weeks is soooo amazing.. You’re doing so well, and you are being a little hard on yourself in my opinion.. Give yourself a huge pat on the back for what you’ve already accomplished (and continue to do so) and maybe just try that little bit harder as far as diet and binging goes. We are Human. Sending love as always gorgeous girl x x P.S. – The wine will NEVER make you feel better
Bandicoot- YAY for the cleaning bug!! Seems we are all scrubbing and making everything sparkling!! I definitely think rewarding ourselves with TREATs for the money saved not drinking is a fantastic incentive. My extra cash is going towards a holiday I have booked for September(it got to the point I was wondering how I would be able to cancel it as I was wasting $800 per month on alcohol)… Hope you have a fabulous sober day too xxxx
KDB- Good look for your liver tests- Mine were surprisingly only slightly elevated when I initially quit drinking- Let us know how you go and try not to worry too much. I was told that our livers can actually take quite a beating (which mine DID!!!) Hugs x
Odelle-I’m drinking a lot more coffee. .trying to stick to mainly instant coffee so that it’s less caffeine. I reckon I will wean myself off this later!!  Still think you’re amazing to give up all of your “vices” at once! Way to go xx
Thumpa- I am starting to realise that I am holding huge resentments with a lot of people from over my whole life… I think we need to work on freeing ourselves.. and somehow letting go. It may be a long process but hopefully we can all find the peace to love ourselves enough to remain sober. I’m sending you some extra hugs and love… xxx
Zeebs- That sounds very scary. I had horrific palpitations for the first week of quitting the drink but luckily they’ve settled down now. Mine was purely the physical withdrawals. I’m glad you’re getting sorted by your Doctor. Also it’s so great to hear how supportive your Family are.. That can make all of the difference. Keep going.. You’re just a few days behind me (I’m day 25 today!! ) xxx
Pedro- Hope you’re having a great day! Almost another one ticked off!
GYPSY- Sorry to hear you’re having a hard time at work.. I really hope things get better for you, and with your Son too. I have 2 Teenage boys and know how trying they can be at times-as much as we adore them!!!
DEE- Hope your feel a bit better.. Migraines sound awful….. Lots of TLC for you xxx
Illi- Hope you do speak to your Doctor about depression… There is a lot that can be done these days. . Not necessarily meds either (although I’m a big believer in them if they are required). A day making bathbombs and lotions sounds like my type of day-if only I knew how!! Might jump on google lol!!! Hope you’re feeling ok today…. Hang in there xx
Caramel- Not good to hear that you’re feeling a bit yuck.. Stay close to SR!

I’m doing ok- Lots of meetings and making fast friends with the other AA members. I think I’m lucky to have such a fantastic group each night i go. .. I’m trying to remain focused on staying busy and present in every moment. I feel very grateful to have so much support around me with all of you guys and my AA groups too.. Very lucky and blessed girl..
I will speak soon- Orthodontic appointment with my Youngest ($$$$$ grrr)
I am VERY proud of all of us xxx
HUGS
Hope i haven't left anyone out-would never mean to xx

Haris2014

good morning everyone and congrats on the milestones reached... it really feels great to be a part of something with you guys, as drinking for me was a lonely place..


anyway day 18 now... and i am feeling good, physically i am looking so much better, hydrated, reduced bags under my eyes, skin tone is back to normal after years of redness. our bodies are amazing things... years of abuse and they can snap back in a few weeks.

right then... the not so good. i have been googling a lot about recovery and in the last few days it has turned rather macarbe..
I have had quite a nasty cold this last week, coughing and sneezing and general symptoms. i have managed to convince myself that i have liver problems.. and to be honest i really don't want to go to the doctors until i have a month or two of sobriety under my belt. for reasons i can't really explain to be honest..

my question, is this normal or is this the start of quite a dark episode, a precursor to slipping...is there something i can be doing , more positive articles i can read?

i don't feel like i am slipping, but going to dark places has not nessisarily been good for me in the past.

congrats again to everyone,

SandyO

Wow, so many have reached or about to reach a whole month! That really is a big achievement. Well done! I heard this great quote from a documentary about alcoholism. "Don't leave before the miracle happens!" We are all still struggling in some form, but let's keep strong and soldier on.
I'm doing ok today on day 11. My husband came home last night very drunk and threw up in the front garden. Luckily, it was on snow so I scooped it up at 1am and threw it over the fence (an empty lot!). Of course, he woke up terrible but not guilty. He has a drinking problem of course but my behaviour has lowered the bar so far that no matter what he does it's never as bad as me.
I was thinking about it all day today. Since I first starting drinking with friends at 15, I have always drank to excess. I won't pretend that I haven't had great times but I've also done some really stupid things. Over the past few years I started going out less and less due to feeling embarrassed about my behaviour. I couldn't wait to go out and get drunk, but now I can't go out because I am drunk.
Crossing yet another line into secret drinking is a great shame for me. I'd wake up every morning with this unbearable guilt and self-loathing. Nobody knows how much I drank including myself. I would be shocked to see how low a bottle was when I woke up but worse be proud of myself when it was higher than I thought. I carried this secret guilt, secret loathing and secret pain around with me on a daily basis.
Any sober day for me a guilt-free day that only I know.
I am so happy and relieved to have 11 in a row. I want a lifetime of this feeling.
Thank you all for sharing your highs and lows and everything in the middle. It helps keep me another day sober.
Have a nice day/night. Take care.

Sunflowerlife

Good morning everyone~

Zeebs- that sounds very scary, I hope you can figure out what is causing the palpitations. Congrats on the 21 days and enjoy your family!

Gypsy- I would not be happy about that work situation. Are you going to speak up? I hope you can get the hours you requested. As for your son, that must be very hard. I can't even imagine what it's like dealing with a teenager. I am sure you want the best for him but also at some point you have to give up control. What a scary feeling.
Oh, and I have that dandelion teas as well- good stuff!

Thump- you were very clear, I think my point doesn't always come across the way I want it too. I meant that forgiving yourself is a huge part of this too, but you already know that. I do hope she can forgive you as well and you are right, personal growth can be very painful...

Pedro, congrats on 35 days! So glad you are staying busy, I need to find more things to occupy my time as well. What do you do to stay so busy, if you don't mind me asking?

Hi illi- I'm sorry you aren't feeling so well. I do hope you can talk to your doctor about it and get help if you need it. Sounds like you had a great day with your friend, it's great that you have some support like that and someone to do crafty things with

Congrats on 30 days Jim!!!

Hang in there Caramel- hope you feel better real soon.

Haris- amazing how our face starts to change, isn't it? I love the lack of dark circles as well. Are you reading any books for your recovery? I just ordered RR and have a book I am reading about change (Changing for Good). Perhaps you can find something to focus on?

Ugh, I had so much more I wanted to type but the baby is up. What I wouldn't give for a morning to myself. Be back in a bit...

StrongBird

Today is Day 17, I think. I've been trying to conquer both the alcohol AND the food beasts because in my case, my relationship with food is just as screwed up (actually, probably more) as the one with alcohol.

So I've been on Weight Watchers and I've cut out a load of sugar and junk food. I've been active, eating a lot of vegetables, fruit, lean protein, good fats, and drinking tons of water. Yesterday, I would have said I was feeling a lot better than where I was three weeks ago. But I just weighed myself this morning and the scale hasn't budged since Saturday.

I hate this. I want instant gratification. Even 1/10th of a lb down in 5 days - is that too much to ask? My AV says, see, it's pointless. You might as well have pizza and beer tonight. Nothing matters. You're broken. You can't be fixed. You can't get better. Just splurge. You deserve it.

Shut up shut up shut up!

I need to learn to kick that AV right in the you know where. I'm going to get through this, but not without a fight.

Sunflowerlife

Oh Bird, I get it. Our ED AV is a pain in the butt. It's not like we can just stop eating altogether which makes it so much harder. Have you thought about talking to your WW coach? Maybe you just need to tweak your points?
I get the desire for instant gratification which is why I love low carb. The scale was going down every single time I weighed. Going to try again. I have been doing well until evening comes and then my AV takes over and wins.

Try not to be so hard on yourself. I know that sounds silly coming from me but it's true. We need to love ourselves regardless of the number on the scale. Be good to you...you deserve it!

Haris2014

Hi Strongbird, you and me are on around the same time path... i to want to lose weight, get fitter etc. I too want instant results, but i don't think it happens straight away... by the fact you're here i presume alcohol is your biggest demon and by the sounds of it you are nailing that monster with gusto.

the health side of things i think is a natural byproduct of sobriety and putting in our body the good things rather than poisons everyday. don't give up SB, i believe this is a marathon not a sprint.

also i have not stepped on any scales yet, i know in my mind and what people are saying appearance (skin tone, puffiness etc) that i am winning.
don't let arbitory numbers on a scale get you down.. they mean nothing

Olivia2011

Ahhhhh! I slipped. No excuse I know. Haris, I went to that dark place. At that time, I just thought heck with it. I'm not gonna make it. I let my guard down big time. So.....

I've got my strength back. I hadn't played the tape thru. That really helps me a lot. I hadn't done anything to protect myself. My mom's bday was a few days ago as well as the tenth anniversary of her death. It was raining. My husband wanted me to go to the lake with him. He's the kind that likes someone by his side all of the time. I like my "me" time and at times feel smothered. It's winter here. I'm always pulled by other family members. That's my fault. My son went on a big bender for three weekends. I just don't want that kid to rot in jail. He has a heart of gold. He really messes me up when he acts like that tho. He's a mean drunk and has pushed his limits too far years ago. My daughter's divorce was finalizing. Her soon to be ex didn't contribute anything. My daughter works her tail off. It started getting nasty. Sure enough he tried to get half of her stuff. Didn't happen tho.

Anyway, I used to get so mad at my sister for worrying about everybody. She doesn't drink and I swear she just sits and worries. You can't control other ppl's behaviors so don't try.

Where my mind went was dark and scary. Funny how slippery that slope is. I fell back down in the pitcher plant! (Allen Carr's book). I wasn't even sure I cared anymore.

I woke up this morning with my renewed strength back and my commitment. It doesn't even make sense for me to drink. I was in that get things done mode. When I drink, I drink almost (or all) of the whole big bottle of wine. Then I just sleep. What good is that. That's dumb dumb dumb. I am naturally a strong person. That also freaks me out that I'd let alcohol get me.

On a good note, my husband is still sober! He's loving it! I'm so proud of him and you guys.

Sandy, your post was really intense and heartfelt. Thanks.

Thanks to all of you guys. Thanks for the PMs. I was seriously considering bailing. I lost the battle but I'll be damned if I lose this war!

I'm gonna get my toolbox back out and oil the hinges! The support here is incredible. I thank each and everyone of you. And, of course, Dee and SR.

I so enjoyed the month of January mostly sober. I felt human and loved it. Life just can't be spent in a haze. That's no way to live.

Dropping my g'daughter at pre-school and hitting the gym.

I sure am glad you guys are here. Xoxo

I love each and every post even if I don't reply to all of them. They all renew my spirit.

Olivia

SandyO

Oh, so sorry you slipped. But your seem upbeat and strong enough to continue on your journey. Your husband's sobriety must be a huge encouragement for you too.
You'll feel human again in no time!

Lulu212

I made it through Day 30 - that sneaky AV was shouting at me last night that I should go and get a bottle of champs to celebrate. I played the tape through and ate a bunch of carbs - it shut her up. Someone mentioned the "3s": 30, 69, 90 ... And how dangerous they can be. I get it now.

Anyway, for those struggling or starting again, or eating a house every night like me ... Be proud of every little step, even if it's just a minute of not picking up the bottle. I keep telling myself that when I want to beat myself up for not losing any weight. One thing at a time ...

Hugs!