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Class of November 2015 Part 10

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Old 02-01-2016, 10:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Keepnitreal View Post
Tufty-
How long have you been going through this test? I think I suffered for almost 2 weeks before I found any relief. It's nice when ya get a break. I'm so afraid of the next Paws episode. It's scary to know it can happen anytime. I feel a little anxiety just thinking about it, but I will put that away because today is a good day!
Hang in there because you've got this!!!!
Hi KIR,
How are you?

My guess is it's about seven days now. It's gradually been getting worse.
I'm not sure what's PAWS and what's generic depression which I've struggled with periodically through my life.

I think I'm about 90 days sober now so it would fit. I've also read that nicotine withdrawal can lead to low moods and I only just ditched the tabs a few days ago.

The irony is that my raison detre for stopping drinking was to achieve better mental wellbeing.

Ho hum, I have no cravings for anything so I'm grateful for that. I'm not being complacent but wild horses couldn't lead me back to the booze right now. Much as I'm fed up with being fed up, I can still really appreciate waking up without hangovers and it's blissful.

Last edited by tufty13; 02-01-2016 at 10:41 AM. Reason: Spilling errors
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Old 02-01-2016, 12:18 PM
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Hey family! I need advice!!! I also posted this in the Newcomers section but since you guys "know me", I want your opinion too! Love you guys!
-------------------

I need advice desperately. I started seeing a therapist a few weeks into my sobriety. I had two months last week. Unfortunately I relapsed a week ago when my therapist started to really dig into the trauma of my past. (abuse by my mother, grandmother & a rape when I was 17).

My original sobriety date was November 15, 2015. My AA sponsor almost forced me to seek therapy to deal with all the underlying reasons of why I was drinking. While I agree with her philosophy of "dealing with the trauma", I'm having a really hard time staying sober and dealing with 18 years of trauma and abuse at that same time.

I feel like I should get some solid sobriety under my belt before I start dealing with severe trauma from my childhood. I recently posted something about this but my sponsor is still insisting that I keep seeing the therapist to deal with this crap.
:-(

She says that if I don't deal with the trauma now I'll never stay sober! I feel like I need to put the trauma in the "back of my mind" again and focus on sobriety until I'm strong enough to deal with the it! My sponsor says I don't know what's best for me! :-( I take offense to that because I feel like I do know that the biggest trigger for me to drink is the trauma. And if I drank every time I deal with the trauma that's not good. My sponsor is also never dealt with trauma in her life.

Does anyone have any experience with this? I feel like it would be common sense to wait and deal with the severe trauma later since I always used alcohol to numb the traumatic memories. What do you guys think? It's a double edge sword!

I really need help with this! Thank you.
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Old 02-01-2016, 01:31 PM
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Hi Kiki

My thoughts for what they're worth....

Only you really know, have faith in your own decision.
Your sponsor has a theory, but only you have your truths.

Personally I'd make sobriety my absolute priority, if you can stay in therapy at the same time and deal with the traumas at a pace you can handle then that would be ideal.

Good luck. The fact you're being open here on this forum makes me think, all things considered you're doing pretty bloody well already.
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Old 02-01-2016, 03:29 PM
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Checking in again, lovely peeps.

Still on the psych ward and running out of data, so if I don't check in that's why.

Keep going all. Hugs. Kxx
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Old 02-01-2016, 05:59 PM
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Wow...I've been off the SR radar for a week or so and so much going on here. I'm posting a quick 'hi' now so the current thread links with SR app...will catch up tonight!!
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Old 02-01-2016, 08:34 PM
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Hi, All.

Ultra, I'm really sorry that you had a slip, but I am so, so glad that you are back here right away! I know how much you want sobriety. Being sober can be very, very hard. If it wasn't, we wouldn't need recovery. As KIR mentioned, are there tools from your longer-term sobriety that you can tap again? Or trying something new. Just some thoughts! I'm really glad you are still with us though

Snow, I'm glad you are doing well and getting the care you need!

Kiki, yes I just got a sponsor last week It took me a little while to get the courage to ask her! But I was so relieved once I did. So just getting started on the steps as well. Regarding your question about trauma therapy, I think you need to listen to your heart. You seem very in tune with yourself and I think that the ultimate goal is to not drink, so whatever steps you need to take to not drink you should do.

Hello to SM, Tufty, Patricia and everyone else! I hope you all are well.
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Old 02-01-2016, 08:51 PM
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Hi everyone...sorry for being off the radar. Last week I was at a meeting up north for 6 days, my grandma passed away, friend visiting from overseas, and more. Today is day 71-72 and mostly I'm doing fine. I was really shocked to read about some of your struggles and I'm very sorry for your pain. Kiki...you are a rock but we are all human. Please prioritize your sobriety and listen to your heart, just to echo the others. UD...your burning desire for sobriety is so inspirational. Still something seems to be missing between the desire for sobriety and your addictive inner demons. You gotta figure out what's missing and stop this cycle. I've recently found a sober friend and we talk one-on-one everyday. This is making a tremendous difference in my recovery and we seem to be helping each other a lot. I highly recommend forming these friendships...feels awesome to have this bond of sobriety!!
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Old 02-01-2016, 11:15 PM
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Hi Snow, I hope you're on the mend and feeling good.

Hey Swim, well done for getting a sponsor, that's got to be a positive step.

You're sounding great Sober Marathon, well done on your sober days. Keep a watch out for low moods in the coming weeks, too many classmates slipping up around this point. :-(
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Old 02-02-2016, 03:38 AM
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Checking in.

Am counting myself as "almost 3 months sober minus 1 teeny day." All good here if it would just stop raining for a few hours!

Hugs to all.
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Old 02-02-2016, 05:35 AM
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Just a few random musings.

Yesterday I could barely breathe thanks to my Black Dog lying across my chest. The shear weight of him was suffocating me.

Two phone conversations today and I'm not only out of my fug but feel like I can take the world on. New life in me and new vigour.

Neither calls were about anything earth shattering but they were just enough to break this feeling of negativity.

On top of that I had a message from Lastchance (cheers mate) which helped put my mind at rest about the feelings of depression.

Now, all of a sudden, rather than contemplate suicide (just something I do) I'm heading in a different trajectory, happy, full of energy and quite, quite buzzy.

This is all very familiar as I've been here before many a time. I'm swinging massively from one end of the spectrum to the other. I'm now left wondering whether this really is part of the emotional roller coaster that comes hand in hand with new found sobriety or if it's just part of who I am.

Anyway, apologies for the rambling thoughts. As I've said before, it helps me to write this stuff down here.

It does feel a bit self indulgent and self centred to post like this here, but I have to acknowledge that I'm now sober for longer than I've been in 37 years and that's in a very large part because I'm here and taking an active part in this community.
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Old 02-02-2016, 05:59 AM
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Sorry to hear about your grandmother SM, I hope you're dealing with everything okay.. You sound great and in a wonderful place : )

Also, thanks Tufty, KIR, Swim and everyone else for your support and suggestions. I'm not sure what the missing element is other than I possibly get complacent and PAWs is something I wasn't aware of and didn't know how to combat it. I used AA for majority of my sobriety when I managed 14 months and its one thing I'm lacking now. I went to one meeting and really enjoyed it, but haven't been back. It's hard not having a drivers license, but I could do more. I also still harbor some resentments from my friend whom I had asked to be my sponsor and ended up standing me up two different times when he set up dates for us to do step work.

Actually, I've only meditated a few times this round and use to do it daily! So, yeah...not really doing much it appears to fight this thing. At least I can say that this relapse I bounced back with a diligence to let it be the last! I've suffered with depression too along the way and normally I'd be stuck in deep depression and not getting out of bed for at least three days, but I forced myself up the day after and forced myself to go for a run yesterday which really, really helped clear my mind and fight those inevitable panic attacks!

All I know is I don't ever want to drink again, no matter what. As I type this my 4 beautiful and precious children are sitting around me watching cartoons and my lovely wife kissed me goodbye at 5:30am and headed to work and will return soon...I have everything good a man could ever desire to lose and nothing to gain from alcohol!

When I help my clients work on changing their diets my approach is simple. I teach them its not as much about eliminating unhealthy items as it is about adding more nutritious ones. The more nutrient dense, healthy items we add to our diet the more our bodies start to heal and the less we 'crave' the unhealthy stuff. I'm going to flood my life with so many healthy, joyful things like, AA meeting's, SR, hiking with the family, meditation and sober friendships that the AV will slowly drown and eventually disappear!

Thanks again family for all the support! Love you all!!!

PS.

KiKi, I would wait on theropy until you have a better coping system in place. Besides, as I mentioned once before, a lot of those issues should be healed through the 4th step and by giving them to God!
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Old 02-02-2016, 06:02 AM
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Originally Posted by tufty13 View Post
Just a few random musings.

Yesterday I could barely breathe thanks to my Black Dog lying across my chest. The shear weight of him was suffocating me.

Two phone conversations today and I'm not only out of my fug but feel like I can take the world on. New life in me and new vigour.

Neither calls were about anything earth shattering but they were just enough to break this feeling of negativity.

On top of that I had a message from Lastchance (cheers mate) which helped put my mind at rest about the feelings of depression.

Now, all of a sudden, rather than contemplate suicide (just something I do) I'm heading in a different trajectory, happy, full of energy and quite, quite buzzy.

This is all very familiar as I've been here before many a time. I'm swinging massively from one end of the spectrum to the other. I'm now left wondering whether this really is part of the emotional roller coaster that comes hand in hand with new found sobriety or if it's just part of who I am.

Anyway, apologies for the rambling thoughts. As I've said before, it helps me to write this stuff down here.

It does feel a bit self indulgent and self centred to post like this here, but I have to acknowledge that I'm now sober for longer than I've been in 37 years and that's in a very large part because I'm here and taking an active part in this community.
That's awesome brother! Keep sharing, your sobriety and watching you and others work through all these issues helps me and others tremendously!!!
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Old 02-02-2016, 07:11 AM
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Hey ultra, you sound really motivated, that's fantastic.

You've got all the reasons to stay sober right there with you by the sound of it.

The Kind, caring and encouraging Tufty wants to say, "hey man, you fall down seven times, you've just got to make sure you get up eight."

The self righteous, opinionated and obnoxious tufty wants to shake you and say "18 beers? What the f*** were you thinking? I feel let down that you caved to your AV because I had a vision of you which was a man powering his way through addiction, casting all obstacles aside and racing to a better, sober life, and now you've effing ruined my vision! "

Ah well, Both are true, I'm rooting for you all the way, whatever the weather.
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Old 02-02-2016, 07:32 AM
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Originally Posted by tufty13 View Post
Just a few random musings.

Yesterday I could barely breathe thanks to my Black Dog lying across my chest. The shear weight of him was suffocating me.

Two phone conversations today and I'm not only out of my fug but feel like I can take the world on. New life in me and new vigour.

Neither calls were about anything earth shattering but they were just enough to break this feeling of negativity.

On top of that I had a message from Lastchance (cheers mate) which helped put my mind at rest about the feelings of depression.

Now, all of a sudden, rather than contemplate suicide (just something I do) I'm heading in a different trajectory, happy, full of energy and quite, quite buzzy.

This is all very familiar as I've been here before many a time. I'm swinging massively from one end of the spectrum to the other. I'm now left wondering whether this really is part of the emotional roller coaster that comes hand in hand with new found sobriety or if it's just part of who I am.

Anyway, apologies for the rambling thoughts. As I've said before, it helps me to write this stuff down here.

It does feel a bit self indulgent and self centred to post like this here, but I have to acknowledge that I'm now sober for longer than I've been in 37 years and that's in a very large part because I'm here and taking an active part in this community.
Glad to hear the depression has lifted mate, most definitely the same way I'm feeling and thinking too, high to low and back again - roller coaster for sure but I'm staying right on there with you mate.

As UD said make sure you keep sharing mate, its good to know that you're not the only way experiencing the ups and downs and a million and one thoughts and questions inside your own head, maybe it is who we are but its definitely making it easier for myself sharing and learning from you all on here.
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Old 02-02-2016, 08:21 AM
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Thanks for all the love & support guys! You guys are awesome!

Here's my new plan (since I started this thread yesterday):

1. I changed sponsors to someone who is also a trauma survivor & understands the importance of focusing on my sobriety right now & getting some time under my belt before opening up a bunch of wounds.

2. I made an appt with a new therapist who specializes in addiction AND trauma. She also works with patients in an outpatient treatment center & runs trauma and addiction support groups. *as much as I love my current psychologist, she simply doesn't have the addiction experience I need.

3. I am going to put the trauma stuff on a "shelf" for a while until I have SOLID sobriety under my belt & focus ONLY on staying sober & learning new tools to cope. I am gonna need a full tool box when it comes time to deal with the train.

So that's why I've been working on for the past 24 hours. Thank you so much for all your kind words, advice & support!

:-) Kiki
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Old 02-02-2016, 08:49 AM
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Originally Posted by tufty13 View Post
Hey ultra, you sound really motivated, that's fantastic.

You've got all the reasons to stay sober right there with you by the sound of it.

The Kind, caring and encouraging Tufty wants to say, "hey man, you fall down seven times, you've just got to make sure you get up eight."

The self righteous, opinionated and obnoxious tufty wants to shake you and say "18 beers? What the f*** were you thinking? I feel let down that you caved to your AV because I had a vision of you which was a man powering his way through addiction, casting all obstacles aside and racing to a better, sober life, and now you've effing ruined my vision! "

Ah well, Both are true, I'm rooting for you all the way, whatever the weather.
Thanks dude, surly didn't mean to let you down! I realize now that I was taking that self-righteous approach towards my sobriety as well, just assuming I had it beat without putting in the work! I am that man powering through addiction and casting aside every obstacle, as are you my friend! It's the journey that makes us stronger and hopefully this is that eighth and final time I'll have to pick myself up!

Already meditated this morning and ran a quick Trail run with my youngest daughter...
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Old 02-02-2016, 10:43 AM
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Cheers Andy, and cheers Ultra.

Ultra, you're now back on my imaginary pedestal. Pleeeeeeese no more slips mate, I can't take the stress and the disappointment.

Andy - no pressure but you've not slipped from yours. Solid.
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Old 02-02-2016, 10:48 AM
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That sounds like a well thought out plan Kiki, I wish I was as structured and thoughtful as you about my recovery.

You're definitely going to crack this. I'd put my mortgage on it.
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Old 02-02-2016, 12:16 PM
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Glad you have come to a conclusion kiki. :-) hugs.
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Old 02-02-2016, 01:22 PM
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Originally Posted by tufty13 View Post
Just a few random musings.

Yesterday I could barely breathe thanks to my Black Dog lying across my chest. The shear weight of him was suffocating me.

Two phone conversations today and I'm not only out of my fug but feel like I can take the world on. New life in me and new vigour.

Neither calls were about anything earth shattering but they were just enough to break this feeling of negativity.

On top of that I had a message from Lastchance (cheers mate) which helped put my mind at rest about the feelings of depression.

Now, all of a sudden, rather than contemplate suicide (just something I do) I'm heading in a different trajectory, happy, full of energy and quite, quite buzzy.

This is all very familiar as I've been here before many a time. I'm swinging massively from one end of the spectrum to the other. I'm now left wondering whether this really is part of the emotional roller coaster that comes hand in hand with new found sobriety or if it's just part of who I am.

Anyway, apologies for the rambling thoughts. As I've said before, it helps me to write this stuff down here.

It does feel a bit self indulgent and self centred to post like this here, but I have to acknowledge that I'm now sober for longer than I've been in 37 years and that's in a very large part because I'm here and taking an active part in this community.
Has your Dr every suggested you be assessed for bipolar disorder Tufty? Some of the symptoms you describe are exactly like mine were before I was diagnosed.
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