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One Year & Over Part 34

Old 02-03-2016, 04:59 AM
  # 321 (permalink)  
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way to go cour!
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Old 02-03-2016, 05:02 AM
  # 322 (permalink)  
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Woohoo Congratulations Courage. Two years.
Fantasamagical
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Old 02-03-2016, 06:04 AM
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Whoa nice word Mags. Yes Courage congratulations!

I have a feeling that today something is going to be decided. Just a hunch. Whatever my boss decides to tell us today is going to influence whether I stay here another while, or leave now and head back to the city.
I'm feeling pretty good about ending my time here at a year. Seems tidy or something, and I feel confident about my skills right now. Seems a good time to move on, before I "overstay my welcome" here, or something. That's not quite right, but maybe you know what I mean. The way things are going now, I don't feel like I'm going learn much more from this position. I need to grow and it's not going to happen here, if things stay the same. I want to leave with some momentum, I think I'm trying to say. Before I am completely worn out.
Maybe we'll get shut down and the decision will be easy.
Maybe he'll tell us we have a few months. Yuck I'm nervous.
But I have to remember I'm a free human being and can do what I want, I don't need this job. I'm stressing, can you tell?
I'm so sad to leave this place! That's the only thing! But there will be other nice places, right? My friend called my house my "peaceful prison", haha. Because it's keeping me from moving on and going home.
I got another job, copywriting for a company in China that prepares students for the SAT test in the U.S. I'm doing training for it now.

Anyhoo, enough of my ramblings. Happy Hump Day. Waffling Wednesday. That's me.
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Old 02-03-2016, 10:22 AM
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Congrats, Courage!

IP, I think you'll be just fine. I understand the stressing but try thinking of it this way: does all that stressing help make any difference? Try some deep breathing and self affirmations and repeat as needed :-)
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Old 02-03-2016, 01:02 PM
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Congrats Courage x

Goodnight Overs
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Old 02-03-2016, 04:08 PM
  # 326 (permalink)  
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Hope the day ends well IP.

greetings Overs

D
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Old 02-03-2016, 04:27 PM
  # 327 (permalink)  
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Dee, you always have great sayings :-)
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Old 02-03-2016, 04:32 PM
  # 328 (permalink)  
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Thanks Sas

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Old 02-03-2016, 07:38 PM
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My paper got shut down! I am all over the place right now. They're giving us small severance packages. I'm terrified, don't know what to do.
I also realize that it's an amazing opportunity to move into the next phase of my life. I'm just not sure what that's going to be, yet.
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Old 02-03-2016, 07:43 PM
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Oh No InPar! I'm so sorry to hear that.
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Old 02-03-2016, 09:57 PM
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Guys,
I read for awhile. Then I stopped trying to keep up. I needed, and still need some personal reflection. I'm grieving and sad. It is bittersweet that I can do this, get through it, without even thinking about drinking.

First I had to put Skylar, my faithful buddy, down after a sudden illness. Then I found I'd lost a close friend who we toured with in Alaska one year, and were close friends for years then drifted apart. I didn't even know he was sick. Or that his wife, another close friend, was sinking into Alzheimer's. Thank heavens their daughter knew of us and called. I think I told y'all about him. One of the things I realized is that I didn't intrude on them and as a result wasn't there when they needed me. Tonight I started searching for another friend that emailed Nov 22, 2015, telling me she had colon cancer and it had spread to her pancreas. She said she was about to be discharged, and sounded hopeful about chemo.

I had emailed several times since. On Dec. 30, 2015, then again on Jan 1st last week. Tonight I did some searching fearing the worst; it came up on the first page of results.

She died 20 Dec,2015. Her email account is still active, no one contacted friends. She was never married, and had a solitary life ending up as a live in caregiver at the end.

She is the last of my friends of my teens. Only my younger brother would have remembered her, and he died the month after I quit drinking. She was my girlfriend back home that I proposed to before embarking on my Air Force career. She turned me down and later told me how much she regretted it. But she sent me cards on my birthday, valentines day, friendship day, and all the holidays. I never sent them to her because I didn't want the card companies to get my Email address, and did not want to encourage any hope of my rekindling any romance. She never forgot me, nor let my taking her for granted discourage her genuine friendship.

My dog was expected, as they live too short to take too much for granted, and some do. But I'm feeling like a real selfish jerk. I drifted away from my friend and didn't talk for a few years. My brother wasn't returning calls or emails, but from my drinking days, I don't blame him. I was a pompous jerk sometimes drinking. That makes three people I didn't try hard enough to tell them I loved them, and now that they're gone I realize how much I took them for granted.

I'm depressed. Rare for me but I recognize it. Just normal grief depression, nothing clinical, nothing to make me think about drinking, or see a doc for pills. That is the last thing I want when the proverbial excrement hits the rotating surfaces.

No one can help, nothing can be fixed, save my own behaviors in the future. I was simply too lazy about my part owed dear friends. Sending her a card on her occasions to show I cared enough to remember.

And it comes home when I realize that she never wanted more than one of the last friends of our youth. There is no one I can share stories with. Only she was left to share them.

Why does it take the death of those who were our support and only then realizing it, and that it can never be fixed?

I'm fine, and not throwing a self pity party. I'm just normally depressed not clinically. No pills or docs needed. No harm except wearing out two pairs of kneecaps kicking myself in the posterior.

I just wanted to let you guys know I appreciate you and share a bit of what's going on. I know we fret the absence of one of us. It usually signals a relapse into old ways of coping before we learned sobriety again.

I am secure in my sobriety, and the depression will lift on its own and not a minute sooner no matter what I do or don't do. Perfectly normal.

Thought for the day. Hug them. Tell them you love them. Intrude on those who you take for granted. Life will suck sometimes. So will you.

Congrats to the ongoing celebrants of sobriety. My support to our sick members, and hurt friends too. I have little to offer so I am keeping to myself until I do.
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Old 02-03-2016, 10:07 PM
  # 332 (permalink)  
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So much love Itchy. ♥

As you said... "Life will suck sometimes. So will you.."

Yes, because we are not perfect.
Striving to be better is what we can do.

You are a very good man Itchy....I am so sorry for your loss, and for your sadness.
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Old 02-03-2016, 10:12 PM
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I'm sorry Itchy
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Old 02-03-2016, 10:33 PM
  # 334 (permalink)  
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Thanks Kitten.
Thanks Wolf.
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Old 02-03-2016, 10:38 PM
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Your strength shines through itchy. Respect to you man.

Inpar! Sorry to hear your news! Or are you? Next step of your 5 year plan......go get em!

Morning overs Thursday morning settled back into work. Hope it's a good day for all of us.
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Old 02-03-2016, 10:41 PM
  # 336 (permalink)  
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Yes indeed Mags, I was thinking that too (re InPar's 5-yr plan )...and how are you feeling love?
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Old 02-03-2016, 10:42 PM
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Hi V, I'm getting there, my love. Still around, lol.

How's you?x
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Old 02-03-2016, 10:44 PM
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Really good.
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Old 02-03-2016, 11:08 PM
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An end is also a beginning InPar - I'm sure you'll turn this into an opportunity

I'm sorry Itch - I think I know enough about you to know you'd be a stellar friend - but sometimes even the best of us gets caught up in life and other things. I would not be too hard on yourself.

I'm very sorry for your losses,
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Old 02-04-2016, 12:14 AM
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IP, I'm with Dee there, things happen for a reason, this is a chance for a new beginning. Take a little time to feel your feet, think about where you want to go next. I know it can be scary when someone else makes all the decisions regarding your fate, but also sometimes we need a little push out of a rut. Look at it as a new possibility. X

Itchy, hugs mate. like you, I don't make enough effort to maintain relationships, 'out of sight out of mind' tends to describe me. I imagine for the same reasons too. Moving about most of ones life, even with people we feel a deep instant connection to, we have learned to let go the emotional ties as we moved to save the hurt of them letting go of us first.

Of course in this day and age with social media and the likes of Skype, it is easier to maintain friendships, so those growing up now on the move may not feel the same need to sever and cauterise that I did ( preferring it to the slow dying however hard I nurtured).

I also firmly believe that people come into our lives at a particular time for a reason, and that there is sometimes a natural life span to that relationship.

All that apart, I feel so for you Itchy my friend. Your heart is hurting, so my heart hurts for you, because at this moment in time, when I need the support and wisdom of a long time sober friend, you are here to encourage and aid.
As ever my friend, PM if you want. (((Itchy)))
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