Briar

Conquest - glad your surgery is over and you're getting some rest. Enjoy the movies!

Briar

Wrote this long ass update post, so here it is:

I'm just working through a tough, slow day over here. Feeling pretty depressed and anxious, and honestly very sad and lonely without my food and exercise stuff to obsess over. I’m also feeling kinda crappy physically, and all around tired. Just kinda waiting out this very slow day.

And I’m gaining weight, and it sucks, damn it! I know I need to, and in some ways I’m very grateful for it. It feels good. Aside from having more energy, I’m just in less pain. I was bony such that it was painful even to lie in bed or wear jeans, so feeling a little layer coming back is good. My husband has noted that I already look better, and he is happy.

I’m grateful to be getting healthy again, but I also feel lonely and disappointed. In many ways I really love the disorder, and it’s hard to break up with it. That voice is just like the AV, it says come back and I will make you comfortable and safe and happy. It says things weren’t that bad and I should give it another shot. But like the AV I know it just wants to kill me. The specialist I saw had me a read a book on recovering from an eating disorder by personifying it and separating it from yourself. That was a piece of cake for me and worked quickly because I am so practiced at AVRT. But while it’s easy to say screw you, we’re through, leave me alone!, actually getting it to leave me alone is a complicated and emotional process, just like with alcohol.

I feel very scattered today and just brain dead. This morning I had to teach a class to our new attorneys, and it was pretty interesting trying to explain legal concepts that don’t make sense anyway while I’m in this ridiculous mental state, plus I kept dropping my pen, and I was in three inch heels so I had to bend down extra far to pick it up. I just had to laugh at myself. I mean, it really is funny.

BUT…the important thing is that yesterday I found a stunning handbag on clearance. I interpreted this as some kind of cosmic high five from a universal force that wants me to recover, so obviously I had to buy it, and stock it with a package of trail mix. Seriously, ladies, it’s beautiful.

Dee74

In a sense I think a lot of us had some kind of Stockholm Syndrome going on with our addiction.

It was comfortable and familiar and it did provide of measure of control I know I craved.

But I was not seeing things as they were. I was being consumed and I was utterly not seeing that.

It was another in a long line of toxic relationships for me.

D

Briar

Yes Dee, that's exactly it. We really don't see things clearly when we're in it.

venuscat

These words resonate so strongly with me.

SoberLeigh

Congratulations, dear Arbor.

Four months is fantastic.

I am so impressed by your attitude and resolve.

SoberLeigh

Glad to hear that it went well, Conquest!!!!

Arbor

Thanks Leigh. Means a lot coming from such a strong woman.

Thanks Conquest. Glad your home resting and that it's all behind you now. Funny, I never eat jello, but my wife made it tonight for desert for the kids. With whipped cream!

Glad you got that all out Briar. I bet that felt good to get it all out there. Hang in there. Your making things happen.

Oh, and thank you Mark. Good to see ya!

SoberLeigh

Goodnight, Octsobers.

See you tomorrow.

Conquest

Happy Friday friends! Still resting and healing today. The swelling went bonkers overnight and I woke to a huge fat lip, kinda funny/very creepy. The question now is...What flavor Icecream should I have for breakfast? Not a bad start to the day!

Mark1014

Vanilla bean.

Arbor

What about sherbet?

Mark1014

All good to me man!

I do Not have my mind on work today! Gotta keep that to myself though.

Briar

Coffee flavor is my favorite

phoebe64

Pudding with whipped cream too!

Avocados were good when had gum surgery. I could just salt it and scoop it out. And protein shakes.

I hope you heal quickly, Conquest.

SoberLeigh

Salted caramel!!!!!!

SoberLeigh

Good morning/dark of night, Octsobers.

It's Friday.

Enjoy, all

phoebe64

Briar, I can identify with your words. I have not had a full on eating disorder, but anxiety used to make it very hard for me to eat. Yet, I secretly LOVED how thin I had gotten. People expressed concern, and made comments, and after struggling with weight my entire life, could see how addicting it could be to maintain that trend. I sort of snapped out of it and forced myself to eat, and ate caloric foods to get back on track, but that was not really good for me, since I do have eating issues, seeing that I tend to struggle with being overweight. Anyway, I completely identify with how much brain space food, eating, food prep, procuring, planning, etc... can be. I envy my husband who just eats, and is done with it, and still in the same size jeans since college. I can dwell all day long on a cheesecake in the fridge, as much as I would a bottle of wine on the rack.

I am glad you are at a place that is familiar, in the fight, that is. You know how to win this battle in the war. You've done it. I have faith in you that you can win this one too.

Briar

Thank you for that, Phoebe. It really is a lot to lose. Thinness is so valued in our culture, and weight loss is interpreted as success, so it can be very addicting. It's rather cruel if you think about it.

I think also for me it's the desire to be smaller and less visible. When I'm thin I become very isolated. I don't buy new clothes to show off my slim figure, instead I always buy a lot of sweaters and loose clothes so people can't actually see me. Really it's that I want to disappear.

It's also a desire to look the way I feel emotionally. I felt very sad, so it felt right to look sick. Even when I saw that I looked gross, it fit how I felt, so it made sense. Now that I look a bit healthier, I get angry at myself when I feel sad because my body isn't cooperating with my head.

It's so complicated. I'm trying to figure it all out.

venuscat

Good morning. ♥