RedAndy

Scrap the subsided bit / feeling pretty crap still and just wanting to relax at home after the drive home in rush hour traffic - walk thro the door to give the wife a kiss and she pulls away to announce oh sorry I've had a beer, didn't need to hear that right now. Struggling a bit here

enfinthechange

I know how u feel... I went to the chippie, which is opposite the pub and next to the little supermarket beer shop. It was dark and snowy. .. I was fed up. That was tough... I ate chips, cheesecake and drank pop. .. now just am very full and can't fit in beer anyway! So just pig out instead. .. not ideal but better into he long run. Fridays will always be tough I guess...
Hang in there , be strong. I believe u can do it... yeah!!!!

Dallow

Enfin & Red Andy, stay strong tonight! Friday nights are hard!

I am also struggling, but I think I'm over the worst. I considered buying strong cider, same old thoughts "I'll just have two". I am feeling depressed an isolated, doesn't help to see all this people in bars and restaurants hanging out and drinking.

Well, I made it home without buying any alcohol. Just feel sad and pathetic, but I guess that's allowed as long as I don't drink.

Thinking of all of you, let's make it through this weekend too!

enfinthechange

Aw, you're not sad an pathetic, you're strong and determined, helpful and funny, wise and kind....it's ok to be recovering and to thinks about the old times. .. they made you, and made u want to change... kindle the fire.of change and bask in the new glow.of the new you rising phoenix like from the flames. Keep.talking on here. I swear I'm. Looking every 5.mins!
Be strong x

Dallow

Thank you for the support, enfin

Yes, it's hard not to think about what got me here. In a way that's funny, it's like I've done a study in how low it's possible to sink in three years! Like a stone!

But yes, I think we're all rising from the ashes right now. It's just a bit harder than I could have imagined.

I'll try to think of that time when I'm back to where I should be, when I'm free from this. Then I can be proud I made it back from my low points...then I can be stronger.

Thank you for you kind words. I am feeling the same about you - if great persons like people in this class can fall through the way I did. Maybe I am not so bad either beneath all of this. Because I sure see that you're not. I see so much kindness and wisdom in this forum. It's really comforting knowing that you understand what it's like.

How is your evening going Enfin? I ate lots of popcorn again. Seems to be my response to cravings haha. Like a kid.

Autumnlover19

I'm struggling too and feeling sad and angry that I can't just drink. I'm also depressed and isolated. And I don't want to do anything except wallow in self-pity, dwell on my past mistakes and creat anxiety for the future. Fun times. I'm angry at everything.

enfinthechange

Popcorn. .. have u tried coconut and vanilla... it's like the best thing ever....

I just ate anything I could find. At least I won't have a hangover tomorrow. .
But will be significantly fatter hahhahahaahhaah. ...

I think we need to find out inner bits which are nice and we like in ourselves. .. that's so hard with bad things done in the past. But they are past. .. done..gone.... you'd be a time traveller if u could change them. ...
The new path will be better. .. even if it's cloudy and muddy on days... there's still nice bits to be found in the mud...
Sending u a virtual hug x

RedAndy

Hi Enfin / Dallow,

Glad to hear neither of you gave in either, we ended up having a stupid row but I just felt like I was losing it and the wife just cannot understand me at all, I know she's hurting thro my mistakes too but I just felt like screaming when she started, sure she thinks because I've managed to stop drinking that that's it I don't want to drink and it's easy to deal with, got upset as she thinks it's about her not being allowed to drink around me and I got the hump about that, I didn't it was just not expected after the way I'd been feeling today and she was doing dry January so to be told she'd had a beer I just took myself upstairs out of the way for a few mins, lay there feeling crap thinking well I can't just have a beer can I - yes I guess feeling sorry for myself but it had such a grip the feeling - wish it was the case that I just don't drink anymore and in a way it is, it's just I know I can't and so determined not too for me but also for us, as soon as the anger / arguments start its like red rag to a bull - balls to everything what am I doing this for ? Yes I wanted a drink no doubt about that - instead I kicked the bedroom door got changed and whilst the thought at first was beer I immediately thought no I'm really doing this for me first and foremost so who is going to hurt most and I can't take that first drink as its the line I've promised myself I won't cross no matter what, looked on the AA website instead and took myself off to my first meeting, found it most useful - come back home though to the cold shoulder and a mood - was hoping she'd realise that I made a good decision but guess whatever I do tonight isn't going to be right.

enfinthechange

I know how u feel to, it's.like I wanna punch it for leaving u. But it has just dumped you, and link and abusive partner u better off without. .. things pass... this WILL pass... turn your thoughts to nice ones... even for 1 second... the wheetos they go back, turn them again and again. . Positivity will leak in. It just will

Oh, and eat popcorn. .. preferably coconut and vanilla , otherwise coconut and caramel... that will make u smile a lot!!!!!!!

Sending u a virtual.hug too x

enfinthechange

Fekin A1 RedAndy. .. you kicked it's balls... well done.
As for your wife...She'll come round , women are funny buggers I can vouch as I am one!!! Just be kind and nice... she probably is just cross her party is pooped, like u would have been if u wanted to drink and she did not ... once u got a handle on how u feel reach out to her. She maybe feeling odd as you are changing and doing this independently of her????

From my experience I just want to be loved and be treated special...
And feel wanted and needed... I never used to, used to be different , but im.older I seem to have turned into a.soft headed girly idiot inside, like.some.sort of romance move... I used to be tough but hey ho.....

You done so good though matey, bloody proud of you... x

RedAndy

Hi Jemma,

Sorry to hear your struggling too.

I'm just feeling a bit trapped around people that no one really understands what I'm on about other than people on here - without it I'd definitely be a bit lost right now but I need to talk to people and be around them too, feeling isolated isn't working / going to work long term, always been a people person so tonight has at least given me some focus and direction as to where I can gain some further help, glad I went, didn't have the guts to speak up in front of everyone but listening to the others tonight felt good to be around people in the same boat who I could relate to where they were at - found myself constantly nodding and agreeing as each person spoke about themselves - quite enlightening and a nice bunch of people.

Dallow

RedAndy, Enfin, Jemma - you are all doing great!

These friday nights can be awful, that's for sure. I am happy you went to the meeting, RedAndy. I've not come around to going myself. Basically because I am not much for group talks in any situation so I think it actually would be a trigger for me to go there. I would want to drink to find the courage to go to AA, ironic huh? But if it's anything like SR I am sure I would like it.

Jemma I am also angry at everything. The weather, my friends...but mostly myself. I have this anxiety in my whole body and I just want to cry and scream and punch something. I guess we must go through these kind of days...

And Enfin, we are allowed to eat our cravings away. You are doing great, thank you for spreading such positive energy to us I remember your first post and your progress is amazing. PS. I eat my popcorns with salt only

Dee74

I'm sorry folks are struggling. All I can say is, although early recovery was rough,

I'm glad I stuck with it - I rediscovered a me, and a life, I thought was lost - and that really was worth putting up with a little short term pain

Had I kept drinking, I'd be dead now, No doubt in my mind.

The alternative has to be better

D

KiKi0615

Thanks for the kind words everyone! It feels good to be sober! Therapy was hard today but I am learning to feel my feelings & work through all my issues.

@soberdad-good luck in your race! That's amazing!!!

@rah-hang in there Rah! Just keep ignoring that AV. It's trying to get you any way it can. It's not your responsibility to entertain your husband. He will just need to find some new hobbies. That's what I told MY husband anyway. Hang in there!!!

@andy-are you feeling better now??? Update: I just read your follow-up post. I can understand why you were upset that your wife had a beer & why it caught you off guard! She broke a promise she made about dry January & wasn't being supportive. My husband is not an alcoholic & will NEVER understand the disease of alcoholism no matter what I say or do. I recently decided to stop trying to make him understand and just have acceptance that he never will. That would be like me expecting him to understand what it's like to be a female! Ha. Anyway...hang in there. Can you have a heart to heart with her and tell him how much it triggers you when she drinks & ask her to TRY to support you? You are doing amazing ANDY!

@enfin-cheesecake, chips and pop at the chippie sound great!!! What's the chippie anyway? Haha. Oh and by the way...we are not "bad" people trying to be good. We are "sick" people trying to get well. What we did when we were drinking is NOT who we are! Alcohol causes us to do things that we would never do sober! It's the alcohol that is bad....not us.

@Dallow-are you feeling better? Are you able to get to a meeting? Maybe that would help? I love what enfin said and agree with everything! :-) You're not bad AT ALL! You're amazing & beautifully created! You're future is bright!

@Jemma- you said you were feeling depressed and isolated....can you get to an AA meeting? I can't remember if you go to meetings? AA always makes me feel better! I don't know what it is....it's like "magic"!

I'm at a basketball game now. I'll check in again later! :-)

RedAndy

Thanks Enfin, appreciate that.

I'm not sure - she has supported me fantastically with where I've been at the last couple of months and helped me massively when I was really low, considering my revelations, I do thank her so much for standing by me and giving me yet another chance, not many would have - it's a chance that I intend to make the most of - thing is she can see that I have genuinely made the effort to change and sort the drink and drugs out properly but is also hurting, where my head was at earlier I just couldn't handle the reaction that was so unexpected, a nice quiet evening was on the cards and it went out of the window in seconds of walking thro the door - we've been getting on so well and we're definitely getting our relationship back on track after it being so rocky for so long, I maybe looking through rose tinted specs a bit and just want to feel close again, she's obviously struggling too whilst trying her best, I have hurt her in a big way I guess I need to understand that too.

Just looking for a bit of peace and happiness now - I've lost the will for the fighting - to be honest though in the past, especially after a drink I would never walk away from the argument always going back for more and continuing it going round and round in circles - I think that surprised her that I actually got in the car and went to the meeting.

Autumnlover19

I went to meetings few years ago at the beginning of my 3.5 yr stretch of sobriety. But I grew to find them annoying and stress inducing. I did stay sober a couple yrs without them. I don't know if I want to go now. I'm more established in my career now and this is a small town. Frankly, I don't trust the anonymous part. I'm a nurse, ironically. I could never be honest in a meeting in my town and the next town is 2 hours away.

Thanks for listening and advice everyone. This has helped a lot, just reading that a lot of us are going through some tough times.

learntofly

Kiki, great job on 2 months! You rock! I've had quite a few alcohol dreams, but I guess it's good that they always involve me drinking and then feeling horrible and guilty and disappointed in myself! When I wake up from those, I'm always so relieved that it was all a dream!

Ultradad, good luck on your race tomorrow! It's awesome that you have a healthy activity to focus on!

Rah, I hope you start feeling better and that your husband can find other social activities to make him feel less isolated.

RedAndy, that's rough. PAWS is no fun. I really feel for those of you who have spouses that drink. That must be so difficult! It's fantastic that you had the courage to go to your first meeting! Congrats!

Dallow, I love cider! I'm upset I can never have it again. I know how you feel. I sometimes think to myself "well this is ridiculous. Having normal drinking habits shouldn't be so difficult. I'm sure I can moderate this time." How easily we forget where that same thinking led us in the past. Proud of you for not buying alcohol on the way home! I like the "sobriety is not for the faint of heart" saying. It is one of the hardest things we will ever do. But it might also be the best thing we have ever done for ourselves. You've got this!

Jemma, I hope that you start feeling better! I know you know this, but dwelling on your past isn't going to get you anywhere. It's better to focus on the future and what you can do from this point on. Easier said than done of course, but you'll get there. I had the same feelings a couple months ago. It will get better!

Enfin, your popcorn sounds delicious! I think you're right about finding things within ourselves that we like and focusing on that! I don't know about you guys, but in this group, I see so many who are considerate, caring, determined people who have gone through some **** and have come out on the other side. You're all stronger than you think!

And Dee, has anyone ever told you that you're amazing? You have honestly helped (and continue to help) so many people change their lives. We appreciate you so much! Thanks for being you.

I'm about to hit 90 days, and I'm beginning to notice my sobriety affecting every area of my life in such positive ways that I couldn't even have imagined. Sometimes I don't even recognize myself. It's like a bit of my idealistic/hopeful/dreamer self has come back to replace my bitter old cynical self. I'm 28 years old, and I haven't had much hope for my future in a long time. I struggle with depression, and there were many times when I havery had suicidal thoughts and just wanted to end it (mostly when I had been drinking... go figure!) I never thought I would ever be genuinely happy.

I still have depression and anxiety and bouts of PAWS, but overall, things are looking up. I have been struggling though with the thought that when something truly terrible happens to me ( which it will, because it's life) I'm afraid that I will turn to alcohol. When I think of it, I picture myself not even having a choice. Like I must drink even though I don't want to, if that makes sense. My cousin killed himself last year at this time, which caused me to drink even more than I already was. I'm the oldest of my siblings, and he was the closest thing to an older brother that I've ever had. I think that I've been drinking so long to numb feelings that I don't know how normal people cope. So I'm afraid. Life is good right now, but it's like I'm just waiting for something terrible to happen to mess it all up.

Aaanyway... my posts are always entirely too long! I hope everyone is having a great night/day.

RedAndy

Thanks Learntofly that's a great post and definitely not too long could have kep on reading there no problem, agree with your assessment of the nature of the class - so helpful with the nature of all and most of all I want to see everyone of us succeed with this. Dee I like everyone else appreciates your input so much mate it really is fantastic how much you put into helping each and every member of SR, if I had a cap on it would be doffed.

LTF so sorry to hear about your cousin, I know too how it feels to lose a close family member in that manner, my Dad took his own life in November 1999, its something I know I've never come to terms with and have buried it deep and never speak about it with anyone, we never speak about it as a family, my mum and sister found him and I can't imagine what they felt and still feel about it but just don't feel it's something I could ever discuss with them or how they / I feel, I sat on the side of his bed (my old bedroom) a year earlier after a failed attempt with him crying like a child in my arms promising me he'd never do it again, he was ill for many years with mental health in and out of hospital and was told by the doctor he was under that there was not a lot more that could be done for him and how we was feeling was pretty much as good as it would get - this came out at the subsequent inquest. The place my mind went at the time of his death was where I found myself 9 weeks ago, that truly scared me, I honestly thought I was going mad - I referred back to him and what he did whilst in a blind panic wanting out myself knowing that no matter what or how bad I was feeling I could never put my daughter and the rest of the family through that again, it's been a thought so many times down the years but without the drink and drugs clouding my thoughts and making things worse I'm hoping I can get to the point where I feel comfortable with myself, that's the reason I know I can never take another drink as I can't open that door again, I can't go back to that place, I'm afraid I won't comeback next time, I doubt the amount of mind bending drugs I've hammered down the years have helped the situation but they along with the beer at the times and the states I've been in have shut things out too - just going further and further into self destruction.

enfinthechange

You doing amazingly well Kiki, and fan for remembering all our individual stories. ... just a thing though. .. I never said we were bad people... I think that we are most definitely not... but the bad things we done can , for some folks including myself, weigh like a heavy cloak around the inner true core. So long was spent struggling under alcohol that the true inner core couldn't always rise out, and the other myriad of feelings drinking precipitated were always at the surface being given dealt with.
So if the alcohol is gone, the true core entity and values can start to rise and shine out.... some bob to the surface quickly, like for me the old bounce and silliness. ... some need to fight through the old anxieties and peek out and grow strong over time....

I see it like plate tectonics!!! We are building new mountains after a contintntal Collision (he event which got us here) while the old false drinking self is being subducted into the core.... a reminder of how to never be.... the core is steady and strong.

So I never meant we are bad people trying to be good... no way....not sure if my explanation makes sense..... but hope so!!!

Have a great weekend, thank you for all you do for us... be strong, sip smoothies in your condo swishing your long hair! !! ; )

enfinthechange

RedAndy and ltf, I feel so sad when I hear your stories... that's so much to bear... it must be so awful to have those things happen in your lives... you are both doing so incredibly well to not drink in the face of all that. Being your true self will help us honour those people and help you love yourself and live your life to the full.
Wish I could say or do more... but I'm thinking of u both, of us all... breathe the sunshine today if u have some.... it's beautiful here xx