Plenny

Thank you. I have a lot of trouble sticking up for myself. I hear voices in my head saying "you're being spoiled," and "life is tough what did you expect," and "did you really think you could have what other people have," etc etc etc

And I get confused and I could make an impulsive choice in either direction. Many of my choices are made in a state of confusion. Because my inner voice is so jumbled up amongst the other voices of my awful parents, my ex husband, toxic friends who I trusted... I am conditioned to think that I am mean, wrong, and petulant. But I'm just trying to get what I want out of life. And one of those things is a boyfriend who lets me know I'm a priority, who knows I appreciate ritual and tradition, and who doesn't forget to get me a Christmas present.especially when I'm a very alone person and I'm about to meet his family.

It toys with my emotions because all I want in the whole world is a family (not children though). And when someone that says they love me is about to introduce me to their family I feel like I might be meeting my new family.

Plenny

Anyway. Yes. I resented having to make a stand for something so petty in the face of an important event for me. And I became even angrier because of being put in that position. The way he dealt with it was a huge turn off and I need to be with a man who thinks ahead the way I do. I just can't do this anymore.

Meanwhile, he has also had one of the worst years imaginable, and I thought we could be there for each other. But when I saw and realized how he had already slumped into total comfort with me, into taking me for granted, just a few months in.... I wanted to run screaming

I've been a serial monogamist till now. And I'm not going to just accept things anymore. I can't. They'll just fester into resentment and ruin our lives. I can't go through that again.

StrongEnough

Day 1...again: Fell off the wagon after about two months sober. I couldn't handle the stress of two family members slipping into depression and talking about suicide. I wanted to help, but I was still really emotionally vulnerable; ended up getting in fights and just giving up on life. Went straight for liquor this time around...big mistake. I only lasted a few days before I was sobbing uncontrollably, drunk out of my mind in front of my wife and uncle. Cut to today, where I'm trying to get through the worst withdrawals of my life, all the while having to plan for a very uncertain future. I finished an IOP program early last year, but it apparently didn't do much. Maybe inpatient? Probably not either, as I can't afford it. I'll try to make it to some AA meetings asap, but I'm in no shape to leave the house today. Thanks for reading and I hope I'm back this time next year to celebrate a full year sober.

benice

Sorry to hear, StrongEnough. Glad to see you back and trying hard. One day at a time.

Cara39

Hey Nic, Clearcut put it so much better than me calling it a semi euphoric moment, that's exactly what it is!

My weekend routine looks pretty much like yours so I'll be here often

Odelle

Hey StrongEnough, I've been there, done that. The good news is that you came back quickly. Staying in is a great idea, pushing fluids and lots of R&R. Those two months are not lost, you just lost some ground in the continuing battle. You can do this, you have a lot of people here that believe in you!

Odelle

Plenny, I too woke up today (day 7) feeling puffy, weight up, even though I have been really watching my diet. I'm going to chalk it up to water retention after having been dehydrated for so long. Another accountability method I am using is taking a selfie (for my own use - not sharing with anyone!) to track physical appearance. Sadly, even though I feel better, I definitely look worse today! Oh well, healing is a slow process and I can't expect immediate results. Hopefully next week's picture won't be as disappointing!

Glb82

Hi all. Day nine done here. The tiredness and sugar cravings are super strong! It's seven thirty at night and I just want to go to bed...not possible when I have a pup to walk before bedtime (11pm earliest!)

I've had more cake in the last three days than in the last month. I usually don't crave sugar so it's very weird.

Hope you're all doing well today. See you for day ten tomorrow.

Sunflowerlife

I usually don't crave sweets either. I've been going heavy on the diet Pepsi and it seems to be helping. Cake sounds like much more fun though...

SillyHuman

SHEESH! I just got a PM wherein the jerk asked what is religious abuse, how were you abused, do you mind if I talk about God to you since I am coming from a spiritual angle - all that BS.

I responded rudely. I really cannot imagine querying someone about abuse they suffered to satisfy my own morbid curiosity. I am pissed. I wish the system allowed fantastic cussing, because I'm using all kinds of bright, colorful words - in interesting and unique combinations.

GOOD GRIEF!

Edited to add: I asked work to send me home early, and they happily complied.

Odelle

Hang in there SillyHuman, some people's intentions are really good at heart, but I think your tag line made it clear what your wishes entailed. Don't let it get to you, your AV will most likely have a field day with this one. You responded to the message and can now let it go. It's not worth blowing your sobriety over.

SillyHuman

I dunno. This person admitted it was just out of curiosity, before asking for permission to evangelize in their own very specialest way.

Puke!

I am not going to use over it. Don't worry.

I just really want hurt someone though.

Odelle

How about hurting something, a pillow maybe? Or, find something at home that you really don't like that much and destroy it. I hate pent up anger so getting it out in a manner that doesn't hurt others is very liberating, for me at least.

Odelle

That brought to mind a long lost memory I’ll share. Must have been 15+ years ago, but once when DH was in midst of his midlife crisis, his constant b*tching got to me and I seized the opportunity to “accidently” close the garage door “not knowing” his car wasn’t fully pulled in. Now that felt good, though I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone else! He loved that car!

Plenny

Ok boyfriend is coming over in just a little while. I'm really nervous and scared. Haven't seen him for three weeks. Have no idea what he's been thinking or anything.

SillyHuman

LOL! Odelle, thank you. Laughter really helped.

Plenny, good luck with him.

SillyHuman

I went to a Noon meeting and got the phone number of a gal who seemed sane and not Big Bookish. We talked after the meeting, and I told her I was an atheist. She said, "No problem. You can be atheist and use this program." Whew! She was not scared off by my mental stuff, that I have not had a drink in four years, or anything else.

I think I may have found a sponsor.

amazingjoy

Hi everyone. I am joining this January class mid-way....day 12 and have already found SR to be an incredibly helpful resource! Thank you to all who are courageous enough to share your stories and advice!

Martin1883

Day 12 here too!

I found SR just a couple days ago when doing some google searches looking for advice and info on sobriety.

So relieved I don't have to be all alone in this!

ClearCut

Hi everyone, whatever timezone you're in. Just gone 8.30pm here and chilling out a bit tonight. Little one despatched to bed in good time and wife working late. Peace and tranquillity!

StrongEnough - You've had a slip but you've shown great presence of mind to jump straight back here and you just need to dust yourself down bud and keep on it. I would honestly just think of the two month sober time as a great upfront investment - you've proven you can do that again with ease now, and more besides by learning from your experiences in recent days. Don't be too hard on yourself. The whole episode will leave you stronger in time, for sure.

On the subject of sweet snacking and diet generally which a few of you have mentioned today. I've been the same lately, never normally a sweet tooth at all. More one for the savoury snacks. Lately I've been into all sorts of candy snacks and chocolate way more than ever. My wife was bemused the other night when I sat down and munched through half a box of chocs in one sitting without pausing! Not usually my forte at all!

A few of you guys have talked about relationships and such, all stuff that seems to really jump into focus (for good and bad) now I've closed the door on my addiction. I've found I'm suddenly just talking more to my wife and family - sometimes having a few crossed words too, but on subjects that need to be aired. When drinking, I was often in the same room as family, but plugged into my indulgences like a cocoon and pretending situations didn't concern me at all. Slow process, but I feel like I'm reconnecting to family issues again and it's a mix of overwhelming and hard work ... but feels right!

CC