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Class of December 2015 Pt 3

Old 01-21-2016, 06:43 AM
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Hey Toby - I got all long-winded as I usually do in my last post but I wanted to say hi to you and post some thoughts before I go to bed.

I wonder if you're conflating the fear about the job hunt and the fear about long-term sobriety because you're looking back at what happened instead of looking forward ?

You've got the immediate challenge of getting a job but because you're finding it so daunting maybe you're going to a place of "oh, what's the point, even if I get a job, what good is it if I can't stay sober etc. etc." ?

You can face the fear about long term sobriety by making a solid plan. You have your AA meetings, you have us, that's a great start to a plan. If you can deal with the fear about staying sober, you can focus on the job challenge. The worst thing would be to let negative thoughts about long-term sobriety derail what you've achieved so far (like, 27 days!) and then that would really not be good for the job hunt, to put it mildly.

Just some thoughts ... I know it's not easy. But you've really done well on the 27 days - don't forget that.
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Old 01-21-2016, 07:51 AM
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Some great insights there Miss P. Nice to hear from you eleven and also everybody else of course! Thanks Dee and Olivia, I was happy with how I dealt with that situation and I do hope at some point I will be in more of a position to be able to help other people that are alcoholics and/or addicts.

31 days of enjoying uninterrupted sobriety today! :-)

I've been into town for a few errands and ticked a couple of things of that needing doing. Otherwise it's a quiet, rainy day here, but I'm very much enjoying it with some good music and a sense of contentment, one that was always lacking when drinking.

I saw my sponsor last night, and we started going through the big book. I've made a start doing this before but never started to work on the action steps. For what ever reason last night packed a punch and already brought lots of stuff up for me. I went to bed straight after because I was feeling kind of low about how things have been these past years but woke this morn with a sense of peace and faith in the path I'm now taking. I know we can all have this sober life forever if we only maintain a little diligence and a true desire to change for the better.

Have a wonderful sober day everyone!
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Old 01-21-2016, 03:52 PM
  # 463 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by BobbyLight View Post
Morning everyone. Starting day 1 again here. I made it 16 days and gave up yesterday. I had really bad cravings and my AV was quite strong. At one point I felt like I was having a panic attack, but not really. I did everything I could think of: focus on work, write in my journal, read some AVRT stuff, hop on here, and talk with some friends. In the end I made the decision to go have some pints and here I am starting anew. Right now I am feeling guilty and ashamed. I'm sad that I disappointed my loving fiancee that has been so supportive of me. I guess I wasn't prepared to go through something that intense....I still can't believe how I felt and what was going through my head. At one point I was pretty much yelling at it to stop....almost sounds like schizophrenia lol. I have a doctors appt on Monday to talk about this and the pills I've been on these last 3 or so years. I drank very heavily 2 years ago and was able to quit for 3 months much easier than this, in the sense that I didn't have the "battle" I had yesterday. I'm actually freaked out by the whole thing. Anyways, looking forward to a relaxing weekend with the family and no alcohol involved. I'm thinking I need to pick up some books that have been recommended to me. Thanks for reading and have an awesome weekend.
Bobby: Whenever I mention antabuse here I get crickets so I don't know if people frown upon it but it helped me in the exact situations you were in. I would wake up in the mornings feeling great and thinking there is no way I am drinking today but by 3 or 4 I was coming up with all kinds of reasons. By taking the little pill when my willpower is strong (morning) I am locked in for at least a couple of days. I have found it extremely helpful as a part of my recovery plan. For me no side effects at all. It really takes the constant back and forth mentally at witching hour away.
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Old 01-21-2016, 04:13 PM
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Day 34

Just finished the Blackout book as well and it really resonated with me although I am a male and many of her insights weren't exactly gender neutral. However, so many of the things were similar:

-started drinking way too early in life;
-first time drunk was in 6th grade;
-every weekend in high school was spent drunk;
-college was even worse - more like 50% of the time. Thing was this never seemed abnormal to me as birds of a feather were certainly flocking together. And we were the athletes at school - I still don't know how I did it and managed to perform.
-her descriptions of blackouts were of particular note; I always have to poke around the edges of the previous evenings to figure out exactly how bad I was;

My overriding symptom and what probably affected me the most was the guilt. It was strong and constant. The single greatest benefit of the last 34 days has been a clear conscience. It makes every single aspect of my life easier, and this benefit has outweighed the negatives of no longer drinking of which there are some if I am being honest. I miss it and like the author I still yearn to be able to drink like "normal people". However, as each day passes and I get more and more comfortable in my own skin again I find myself more emboldened to make this forever.

I am so impressed by how many people are battling so hard here and I know how hard it is. But even after 34 days I can say it is infinitely easier today than it was 4 weeks ago and my hope is that this curve continues. I have never read, exercised or engaged more with others. My work has improved, my health is significantly better, my conscience clear. Maybe this will be forever, but right now is good, and for now that is good enough to keep it going.
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Old 01-21-2016, 07:43 PM
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I've read blackout, parts of it really resonated with me. But not a book I'd rave about. Now, Carolyn Knapp's Drinking: A Love Story, that's worth raving about. What an amazing talent she was.

Day 24. Home from the beach, and back to real life today. I hope tomorrow I can get more done at work. I showed up today, but other than meetings didn't get much done.

I'm proud to say I got through vacation without drinking. 2 nights out of 7 I felt really antsy and thought how I wished I could get drunk (mostly because I was bored and my friends were drinking) but I managed through it and it passed. Most of the time, alcohol wasn't on my mind at all.
Now, I must stay vigilant....the post-vacation re-entry is not going to make me drink

I always enjoy catching up .....keep strong y'all!
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Old 01-21-2016, 08:57 PM
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Wishing folks here well, I am doing fine on no drinking. I have been struggling with sleep while transitioning with some medications. Last night was ok and I took the same things at the same time today so I will see tonight.

Trying to stop smoking cigarettes and go back to just the vapor ecigs now. I have everything and am using an ecig now but keep buying real ones. I can do this, did it before.

See you folks around tomorrow.
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Old 01-21-2016, 09:25 PM
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Originally Posted by MissPerfumado View Post
Hi Eleven, I'm glad you're going to see a doctor. It's normal to be nervous but you need to know what the facts are and what you're dealing with.

The post you had here before describing how much you'd gained from sobriety was radiating with optimism and positivity so I hope you have moved far away from that darkness and are in a much better place.

Peace to you and be strong for your appointment on Friday!
Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me about your experience, MissPerfumado. It means more to me than I have words for right now.

I do need to know what I am dealing with and yes, absolutely, my spirit is positive and strong - like, I almost cannot believe how strong. I am just having a lot of feelings about facing up to the dr. that I have previously straight up lied to and then avoided. Like you said, I have never admitted this stuff outloud before - and I will feel better when the appt is over.

Whatever the results are, I will face them head on and do what I need to do. No more worries about "dark times". I am sorry if what I wrote sounded a bit scary. Everything is going to be okay.
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Old 01-21-2016, 11:05 PM
  # 468 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Nowwhat11 View Post
But even after 34 days I can say it is infinitely easier today than it was 4 weeks ago and my hope is that this curve continues. I have never read, exercised or engaged more with others. My work has improved, my health is significantly better, my conscience clear. Maybe this will be forever, but right now is good, and for now that is good enough to keep it going.
Awesome! That clear conscience is everything, isn't it?
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Old 01-22-2016, 03:53 AM
  # 469 (permalink)  
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Happy Friday class! I am not so happy about it this week - we are facing a major snowstorm in my area and so far it's been a mild winter with no snowed in days, which I used to pretty much drink my way through. While most people were running to get the bread and milk, I was running to the packy to stock pile boxes of wine 😮 and that was pretty much my pattern over the past several winters. So looking down the barrel of a sober snowstorm is kinda scary!
I am trying to get to an AA meeting before the snow starts, and printing out a bunch of SMART tools to work on if I get bored. And of course keep my car from stopping at the packy.
Wish me luck class!!
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Old 01-22-2016, 04:04 AM
  # 470 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Nowwhat11 View Post
Bobby: Whenever I mention antabuse here I get crickets so I don't know if people frown upon it but it helped me in the exact situations you were in.
Thanks Now - My Dr offered a script for Antabuse but I didn't take it because I heard it can react to things like medications and food, and I pictured myself at work vomiting uncontrollably 😦
I do relate to your high level of motivation in the AM and strong AV in the PM, so I am starting to reconsider it. Can anyone else share their positive or negative experience with Antabuse?
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Old 01-22-2016, 06:49 AM
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Good day to all. Sept well, up about 5 minutes before my alarm, weird dreams I don't recall, but at least I was asleep or could easily go back to it.

Coffee mmmm, I am here in Virginia Beach so the snow is supposed to be lite and turn to rain but drivers here are idiots (not all ok) and there will be wrecks all over.
So I decided not to start a job that would have me driving home in the middle of it. I drive a beat up heavy F150 4x4 but I can't risk someone hitting me while I am awaiting trial for an accident and dui. I am self employed so I can work when I want usually.

Yes that suffered when I was drinking, can't get much done when you get up at noon and have to drink 5 beers to feel ok. Glad that is over.

I understand the way some of us might stock up on the alcohol before a snow. I come from the .. no reason needed to stock up on the beer, well maybe to avoid driving drunk to get more. Stupid and dangerous yes. Normal for a drunk yes.

Not stressing anything today, feel pretty good.

jeez, looks like the sun is about to come out, was all dark and hazy a half hour ago .. radar shows it is on the way though.

Hope everyone has the best day possible.
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Old 01-22-2016, 07:33 AM
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Hello everyone,

I'm fairly new to this forum. I came across this thread and realized I'm in the same class as you all. My last drink was in late December. I am now 26 days sober. This is just my "hello" to everyone. I've been reading over your posts, and they have all been helpful to me. Thank you for that.

I'm in Northern Virginia myself, so I'll be hit with this blizzard. I love snow, and I'm a teacher (I think teachers enjoy snow days more than students do!). But this is definitely a trigger for me. This circumstance would usually call for a long day drinking and watching Netflix, followed by another day, and another, until I hate my life, am anxious as hell, and so on. You know how it goes. I do have a few bottles of liquor left over in my apartment. I think this is a good opportunity for me to throw them away. I don't know why I even kept them. Maybe my addiction was trying to keep them around.

Have a great and sober day, everyone. Thanks for letting me share in this group.



- Mike
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Old 01-22-2016, 07:46 AM
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Morning everyone. Day 8 for me checking in.

Thanks for the reply Nowwhat11. Things have been much better this week and I'm just moving forward. AVRT is helping me alot and is something that really resonates with me. I've been facing my cravings head on and letting the thoughts go through me and use the techniques I've learnt in the book to deal with them. I'm not getting upset about it anymore or freaking out trying to get it out of my head. I just let the thoughts come in, I think about them, I play the tape through, and I work at making that reminder of a pint of beer that seems so good at the time it enters my mind, to a disgusting reminder of times past. It's not always easy, but I feel like I am in control and have the tools to deal with it.

Looking forward to the weekend and hope everyone has a good one
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Old 01-22-2016, 09:14 AM
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Originally Posted by kittycat3 View Post
I've read blackout, parts of it really resonated with me. But not a book I'd rave about. Now, Carolyn Knapp's Drinking: A Love Story, that's worth raving about. What an amazing talent she was.
Funny enough I was also just reading this book. I thought it was a great insight to the progressive nature of the alcoholism. How, given enough time, it can and will take down anyone. I related to it a lot.

Day 54 here. Just finished 6 nights in a row in a hotel room on a business trip without a single drop of alcohol. Actually the cravings are still ok. I have missed the mayhem a little this week, especially on a Friday night. In a new city in Asia, getting drunk, going out and letting all hell break loose. Play the tape forward though and I realise I am just romanticising the booze. It is nowhere near worth it. I had two people tell me I was "firing on all pistons" this week, one tell me I was "looking different" and then an hour later tell me I looking years younger and one person tell me I need to buy new trousers because I have lost weight. So almost 8 weeks in it seems that the changes have become very noticeable to others. Thats really worth fighting to keep. Actually, I don't really have to fight it that much, I don't want to drink. And thats not me trying to convince myself.....amazingly, I don't want to drink and I am don't feel I am missing much, if anything.

Welcome to our new members, there are so many of us making great progress right now. Keep writing and letting us know what's on your mind. I have another week of travel coming up and look forward to getting some more time on the board when I get back.

Stay strong everyone....drinking is not an option. Take it off the table. Shut the door on the possibility of drinking completely. Then move on.....
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Old 01-22-2016, 10:07 AM
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Originally Posted by Blacky View Post
I don't like the idea that I am permanently defective but .. when it comes to using alcohol .. that does appear to be the case. The facts are that most every time I start back drinking it ends in some sort disaster real or in my mental state at some point.
Hi Blacky - I don't you are defective at all! (sending you virtual hug!)
Alcohol is a drug - same as heroin. The difference is its not socially acceptable to shoot up at a kids birthday party or to advertise it on tv. We are submersed in a culture that normalizes drinking - but it doesn't make alcohol any less of a poison. It's just interesting that we think we are deficient because we don't handle poison as well as others. I also can't handle arsenic either, but luckily they aren't serving it at Boston Pizza lol

You are 100% ok. We all are - it's just that are learning to recognize alcohol for what it really is.
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Old 01-22-2016, 10:32 AM
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Happy Friday all. Day 47. I find there are times now where I don't even think about drinking now - which is great, but tricksy! I was out to lunch with some girlfriends and one ordered a glass of red wine. All of a sudden I caught myself wanting to reach over and just take a little sip "to taste". I didn't, but it was very disconcerting. I have heard the yearning and mourning voices so am used to them - but I wasn't expecting the sweet little voice saying "just a little?". And it wasn't just once. I shut it down, and then two minutes later it said "but it's just lunch" and "I wonder if it is good?". Then I remind myself that it's fermented fruit juice. Gone bad. Like the gross liquid at the bottom of a garbage can. Gross. That image gets me every time lol

I also hate the health studies that come out talking about the benefits of alcohol. It's funny, cigarettes come with warning labels now but alcohol doesn't. It should come with warning labels like "Warning: extended use may cause liver damage" or Warning: prolonged use may trigger depression, anxiety, and malnutrition".

Sorry for the grrrr BUMOSI today. Feeling frustrated as I think I am in a better place but the same crap still keeps coming up. I suppose I'm not numbing myself anymore so I am seeing and feeling everything now - sometimes it seems like too much to take in. I wonder how hard it is to find a second-hand sensory deprivation chamber; I'm sure there must be a few on Craig's List
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Old 01-22-2016, 10:52 AM
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Thanks for the positive words Jenses.

and as for your other post
" Feeling frustrated as I think I am in a better place but the same crap still keeps coming up. "

Well yeah, but you can deal with it better sober right ? .. I know I can, ups and downs of life.
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Old 01-22-2016, 04:56 PM
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I have a love/hate relationship with Friday's ... Just finished work and heading home for the weekend. Have a 45 min commute home and this is when I used to stop and get a drink for the drive home.... And I would look forward to heading home and starting drinking before going out downtown.... It just feels like I have nothing to look forward to even though I know I do.. Ugh

Day 26 for me.
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Old 01-22-2016, 06:41 PM
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Good morning everyone. A cold weekend has started here. Honestly, all people can talk about here is how cold it will be (5 C by Monday morning - which for all you folks going through snowstorms, is something for these parts!).

I went out last night. A friend is in town visiting and introduced me to the couple she's staying with. Everyone drank except me. Now my friend and I have had a couple of really big drinking nights so I wondered if she would say anything. I casually said "I am not drinking at the moment" and she thought it was amazing. Went on and on and made me feel like the smug clean-eating healthy-living my-body-is-my-temple type person at the table. She does tend to over-exaggerate, bless her, but it was funny.

So that was really OK. I have a brunch tomorrow which involves champagne (Sunday brunches always do here). I've said I'm not drinking and that will be OK too.

So much of socialising in my circles involves drinking and that's not even around people who over-do it! I want to see my friends and I feel fine at these things that involve alcohol, so going and being a non-drinker is a logical next step if I want to begin socialising again.

I'm kind of sanguine about it Jenses - I think the levels at which "normal drinkers" drink makes it fine for them even if it is poison for us. Last night, these nice people had one round of aperitifs and a bottle of wine between three of them. On a Friday night. Then they took the ferry home just after midnight and I guess took themselves to bed. Decent folk all of us except they simply don't have the disease I have.

Have a great weekend everyone. Welcome Mike aka Rattle and Hum! Throw out all that booze now y'hear
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Old 01-22-2016, 07:01 PM
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Unnt - that was a great post! Congrats !

You All sound great! Good for all of you!

Olivia
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