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Class of December 2015 Pt 3

Old 01-02-2016, 03:23 PM
  # 221 (permalink)  
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Day 18 complete as just heading off to bed...closing in on 3 weeks.
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Old 01-02-2016, 03:44 PM
  # 222 (permalink)  
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Hi everyone, so nice to see the successes and feel accountable to our class.

Had an invite to go out w a sober friend to dinner and I declined. It was my idea yesterday, but she didn't get back to me until late this afternoon, and so I had kind of already resigned myself to a quiet night in. Not sure if I'm isolating or just putting my need to recharge first. ??! I don't know. I do know it's so dark already and I really don't feel like putting on makeup and going out to a restaurant at the moment .....
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Old 01-02-2016, 03:59 PM
  # 223 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post

I had to get to the point where I understood on a deep level that I was born a child of God, and that I was worthy of good things happening.

I had to forgive some other people who had hurt me deeply. I had to forgive myself for hurting others. Mostly I had to forgive myself for hurting me.

Every day that I continued to do things that were not good for me I was adding to my own misery. I deserve better. I deserve happiness and even joy. I am the one who has to give myself permission for good things to come in to my life.

I hope you stop running, enfin. Rest. Be still. It's okay.
You are amazing , thank you!
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Old 01-02-2016, 04:30 PM
  # 224 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by MissPerfumado View Post
Solow, I find criticism from my siblings really hard to take. In my case, I particularly hate hearing my elder sister put on her big sister voice ... ! In your situation, you've really put your shoulder to the wheel to make your new business viable and suddenly here comes someone who should be backing you up but instead goes straight past the good stuff to the bad ... I'd be feeling the same as you. Yours is an amazing achievement considering the proportion of new businesses that never take off. Now that you and your brother are business partners in a sense, I wonder if this could be dealt with sooner rather than later so that you don't risk what you have worked so hard to achieve already. Rather than drink (which you're obviously identified as absolutely not the right response), perhaps you could write down a few simple but clear messages to say to him which both acknowledge his perspective but gets yours across. Then bring them up calmly when things have cooled down. I am no counsellor or expert ... these are just friendly suggestions. Whatever you do please don't be too hard on yourself for how you reacted. We may be sober but I think early sobriety is still hard on our emotional state ... there's a lot of adjusting and recalibrating to do, I think. All the best to you.
Thanks for this I think you're right, perhaps it would be better to set it out straight what each of us expects. To be honest I was unraveling before he arrived to join me and, him also being sober having had issues with alcohol and class a drugs before is a support to me. He knows about my issues and he even offered to take me to some AA meetings with him. He didn't judge me and he has a sense of humour about it all that is refreshing. He doesn't make me feel ashamed about having lost control of my relationship with alcohol because he's been there himself before.

I'm the youngest of 3 and with two super organised and capable older siblings I am seen as the scatty one. It's true I am very disorganised and sort of stumble through life in a chaotic way but it doesn't mean I'm without my own talents and strengths and I've been thinking for a while it's time I asserted myself a bit more around my family when they (unintentionally) make me feel like I'm a hopelessly inept person!

Thanks for the words of wisdom, I'll try to find a diplomatic way to put my point across as you suggest rather than just avoiding issues until they blow up even larger.

And yes, personally I'm very wary of not allowing any small upset that comes along to derail me at the moment because I do have that chaotic impulsive side that can easily take over and lead me to find solace in alcohol, almost without me consciously thinking about it! It's certainly helpful to be able to write it all down here instead.
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Old 01-02-2016, 07:17 PM
  # 225 (permalink)  
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So many great posts to catch up on tonight, I love it!

Solow-I think (when the time is right) it will really make you feel good to be upfront and assert yourself with your siblings. Drinking causes our self-confidence to suffer, and therefore so do our backbones and our boundaries. I think removing alcohol can really make you stronger (in time, of course).

Kittycat, If you are isolating, I don't think there is anything wrong with that.- within reason. I find if I don't have my alone time or if I feel pressured to do things rather than stay home, I get flustered and lose my center. Enjoy your night at home, it's safer anyway!

As I was putting decorations away in the attic today, I came across a box I had forgotten was up there...It was a collection of pictures, photo albums, letters, greeting cards and all sorts of memorabilia of my life from my baby years all the way through college. Seeing some of it, remembering the "old me", the 8 year old little girl's diary, letters from childhood/teenage friends/boyfriends...you name it....at first, put me off a little. At 45, that seems like a lifetime ago, and I just felt uncomfortable with it all in some way, yet couldn't wait to go through it all. As the day went on, and I shared a lot of it with my daughters (we had some laughs!), I began to accept it as part of me, and began to feel really, really grateful to be the age I am now, much more calm, simple, resolved...and even wise. How does this relate to alcohol? Honestly, at first, seeing all that stuff made me just want to drink as I went through it all, to kind of smooth all memories and feelings. But I moved from being uncomfortable with it, to an acceptance and even some empathy for myself. None of that would have happened if I drank today. I just would have gotten all emotional and sloppy and made no sense of any of it.
Well, I think that was my BUMOS for the day!

I am very happy to not be drinking. I jogged almost 2 miles today (quite feat for nonathletic 45 year old me), and ate healthy. Tomorrow is my last day of vacation. I have spent many "back to work - eves" drinking as a way of denying to myself that vacation is over or for my one last hurrah. And boy would I pay for it the next day. Unprepared, exhausted, hungover, looking awful. That will NOT be me on Monday, I promise myself.

In weak moments when my AV tries to pop in, I am firm in my resolve and reminder to myself....I have made a commitment, and I 'm sticking with it. No matter what. I know some tough days are ahead. We can all do this.
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Old 01-02-2016, 07:28 PM
  # 226 (permalink)  
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12-30-2015

The last time I took a drink, do I hope I can join the class ☺. It is encouraging to be able to say I have been sober since 2015, even if it was only 2 days of it. Have to say it was nice not having a hangover on the first day of the year for the first time in 33 years! Even the years I wasn't addicted, I always managed to have that New Year's Day hangover. Happy New Year!
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Old 01-02-2016, 07:45 PM
  # 227 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by rahrah View Post
I've been trying to quit for 30 yrs. 10 yrs ago I sought help, but wasn't introduced to AVRT...I wish I had been, it may have helped a lot.

See, I have always thought I had a split personality....fer real! I wanted so desperately to quit, but then there was another person in my head 'Her' telling me to drink. She would whisper all sorts of things to me about picking up again and eventually I would.

I couldn't understand how I could be so dedicated to quitting and end up drinking again. Eventually.... over many years...I had convinced myself that I must have 2 personalities....independent of each other. I felt crazy... and hopeless.

Then I learned about AVRT and WOW!!!!! Turns out I'm not crazy...I don't have a split personality...I have an addiction (which I always knew) but that addiction has a VOICE. Identifying that 'other personality' as an intruder... made me able to hate it, rather than hate myself. For some reason, that distinction... separating my addiction from me... was like a light turning on....I saw my addiction as an entity... not as ME.

So I chained HER up and put that lunatic in a cage.... and every time I hear her stirring... whenever her chains are rattling....I go and check the lock on the cage and make sure her chains are secure (by working my Big Plan) and get on with my life....SOBER!
My AV has his passport in one pocket and credit cards in the other, sunglasses perched on top of his head, bottle of champagne by the neck, naked from the waist up, glazed look of madness in his eyes, looking to book the next available cheap flight to somewhere with a party getting started.......
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Old 01-02-2016, 07:57 PM
  # 228 (permalink)  
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wow, this group is really humming now. I will finally get a chance to read though all the posts of the past week tonight or tomorrow.
Welcome to all our recent members...we have good momentum now and its January so lets make the most of it and get everyone to the 31st sober and proud of our achievement.

Today I will start to sort out my fitness. I have 10kg to lose to hit my "fit weight". I should be able to do it comfortably enough in 3 months. In the past my fitness goals were always derailed by my drinking. Now that I am sober I am hoping an increased focus on fitness will help me not want to drink knowing that it would wreck them again.

In the past 5 years or so I have gone from fit bod to dad bod. Not good. Now in my mid 40's I feel its now or never. Sort yourself out now and get fit again or resign yourself to dad bod'edness forever!

After reading the book "under the influence" though I now understand the importance of good nutrition to recovery so I will need to eat more and well and lose the weight slower that I would otherwise do. Cells need to be regrown, organs repaired and a nervous system that needs some peace and not too much overstimulation. So high protein, low sugar, medium good fat and a vitamin supplement it is.

Have a good day everyone.....I am putting on my head and wrist knitted sweatbands and off to power walk my way to immortality......
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Old 01-02-2016, 09:12 PM
  # 229 (permalink)  
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Hi everyone . . . this is my first post. I just wanted to check in and say that today is day 18 for me.
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Old 01-02-2016, 09:44 PM
  # 230 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by forabetterlife View Post
As I was putting decorations away in the attic today, I came across a box I had forgotten was up there...It was a collection of pictures, photo albums, letters, greeting cards and all sorts of memorabilia of my life from my baby years all the way through college. Seeing some of it, remembering the "old me", the 8 year old little girl's diary, letters from childhood/teenage friends/boyfriends...you name it....at first, put me off a little. At 45, that seems like a lifetime ago, and I just felt uncomfortable with it all in some way, yet couldn't wait to go through it all. As the day went on, and I shared a lot of it with my daughters (we had some laughs!), I began to accept it as part of me, and began to feel really, really grateful to be the age I am now, much more calm, simple, resolved...and even wise. How does this relate to alcohol? Honestly, at first, seeing all that stuff made me just want to drink as I went through it all, to kind of smooth all memories and feelings. But I moved from being uncomfortable with it, to an acceptance and even some empathy for myself. None of that would have happened if I drank today. I just would have gotten all emotional and sloppy and made no sense of any of it.
Well, I think that was my BUMOS for the day!

I am very happy to not be drinking. I jogged almost 2 miles today (quite feat for nonathletic 45 year old me), and ate healthy. Tomorrow is my last day of vacation. I have spent many "back to work - eves" drinking as a way of denying to myself that vacation is over or for my one last hurrah. And boy would I pay for it the next day. Unprepared, exhausted, hungover, looking awful. That will NOT be me on Monday, I promise myself.
Forabetterlife - I loved your BUMOSI. I have a trunk with memorabilia since I was a kid. Locked and I can't find the key - which is both frustrating and a relief. I think I forget that part of my recovery is accepting myself and creating a space for self-compassion, which is hard when there are parts of me which I am don't like and memories which my brain uses as proof that these parts of me are shameful and should be hidden. After reading your post, I may just find some bolt cutters.
Thank you for sharing

Day 27 coming to a close. Four weeks tomorrow.
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Old 01-03-2016, 02:37 AM
  # 231 (permalink)  
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Welcome to Vinificent and eleven

I had a whopping 8 hours solid sleep last night...I cant remember how long ago it was that I had such a fitful deep sleep. Lots of energy for today as a result and really feeling the benefits now that I am on day 7 and over the worst of withdrawals for me

I am keeping a journal and looking back I over the last year I can clearly see as well the times when I am miserable and drinking and the times I am on the wagon. It even shows in my handwriting!

Stay strong all
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Old 01-03-2016, 03:27 AM
  # 232 (permalink)  
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Thats great Martina, it feels good to come out the other side eh? For me, that time when I start to feel good is a high risk time as I start to forget how bad the horrors were and start to question how sick I really am. Stick with it, don't let the AV in, even a little!
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Old 01-03-2016, 03:38 AM
  # 233 (permalink)  
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Wow ubntubnt. Feel the same about my Av. He's still whimpering about no all-inclusive resort this year and has his passport ready.

Been pretty good at the gym but those binge weekends really stop any progress. Been reading a lot and no wonder why I can't get ahead at the gym with how my body's been deprived of nutrition. I find it has always helped relieve frustration and stress plus give me something to do. Going there today and have committed to take my dog for daily walks. She seems delighted.

Keep on moving through sobriety.
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Old 01-03-2016, 05:20 AM
  # 234 (permalink)  
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Welcome Vini, you are off to a good start !

Ub and Tick - I have quite a bit of weight to lose, so for me it's even more than just fitness goals. Like Ub, my mid 40s I feel like I need to get a handle on this before my body starts deteriorating and it become more difficult. Plus, I want to enjoy it while i still look relatively young :_)

As for feeling better, it is so dangerous for me too. Short term memory, I conveniently forget how awful it all was. This time, I am not letting my guard down and falling into that trap.

Jenses-- when you feel ready and have the time, I say knock the box open. I'm still not sure if I've figured it all out...how I came to be who I am and where I am now from all of those experiences, but recovering all of those memories is really a good start at understanding yourself better. And appreciating who you are.

Nice rainy day today. I invited my mother over for lunch. I am feeling anxious about it though because I need to ask her for money. I needed tires on my car a week ago and she offered to help me pay for them, but never followed up. I got the tires, and now I'm broke. This type of anxiety (particularly with my mother ) can be a huge trigger for me. I need to be careful and just get it over with. That on top of going back to work today, I really need to be on guard. I will be checking in with you all often ....
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Old 01-03-2016, 06:17 AM
  # 235 (permalink)  
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Hey all. I hope you're enjoying a nice sober day, it sure sounds like it reading through your posts.

I missed posting yesterday as spent most of the day being sick and then sleeping. 4 of the 6 people in our chalet came down with a sickness bug which wasn't pleasant, but I have to say I'm just relieved that for once it wasn't alcohol causing my illness.

Day 13 of sobriety for me and I'm still feeling extremely grateful for it. I've been able to help my sister and her family a great deal today as they were so ill also. It's a great feeling to be dependable and helpful to them.

I can very much relate to the people in this thread who are struggling with negative feelings towards themselves and their past. I think the negative self talk we generate over years of drunken behaviour can be really harmful and it's something I'm definitely trying to work on. I have found Thich Nhat Hanh's books and talks very helpful in showing me how to turn around the way I think about myself. If any of you are interested, you could give these a go to see how they resonate with you:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMoRtJhVoxc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1o1TDuXf-8

Wishing you all a very happy day!
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Old 01-03-2016, 06:30 AM
  # 236 (permalink)  
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Morning everyone. Day 6 (for real this time). I'd like to share the last 3 years of my life, and I'll try to keep it as short as possible.

I've always had addiction problems, although the last 3 years they really came to a head. I broke up with my fiancee just over 3 years ago. At that time I had gone through an outpatient program for 2 weeks, along with a year of counselling, and along with a prescription for an SSRI. My problem was both drugs and alcohol, however in my head this effort was for the drug. I got through what I needed to, but then she put an ultimatum on my head to quit the drink. At that point, our relationship was already a mess and I was done with it. I said no, told her to leave, and I was newly single. This is where the drink REALLY took hold. I managed to stay away from the drug, however I was waking up and guzzling vodka and not leaving the house. Getting black out drunk and listening to tunes cranked until all hours of the day/night. This was new...a week passed of this and it was new. I was staying away from the drug so in it's place came the full tilt boogie of booze. During this time, I lost my job, I lost my house, and wound up moving back to my hometown with my tail between my legs. I was close with a friend who helped me through it all and I moved in with her.

Once I was home, the drinking continued. I managed to find a job I called in sick to almost weekly as I was still drinking like a crazy person. I then got a DUI and spent 24 hours in jail. I lost my license, and was told I couldn't drink. I sobered up for 3 months as this scared the hell out of me. After the verdict, I was allowed to drink again. It started with beer, and soon was back to my old way of living, but at about 60% this time.

My mother was found dead in 2013. This was hard to come to terms with, so I went with my old friend in a bottle. For the next 2 years, I'd quit drinking, start drinking, quit drinking....etc. I would black out and be very aggressive and it was just...gross. It put an incredible strain on my new relationship. Again I was having problems at work and was put on an attendance program. I'd smarten up for a bit, then it would snowball into a binge that would then deflate everything.

We moved into a new house in late 2015. I had another one of these snowball experiences that peaked in November. At this time, I was sick of it. No more. I told myself: Only beer and wine. Only during the weekend. Only a 6 pack at most. Guess where I ended up again to end up here?

The day after boxing day, we went to my fiancees sisters. I had been drinking steady for 4 days. Her brother had brought a bottle of whiskey. After I had about 6 beers and a bottle of wine, I decided to start sneaking shots out of the bottle.....just had to have more, chasing something. We were playing a board game and I blacked out. I then came to outside shoving her brother and yelling. No recollection of why I was doing this. I wound up getting a cab home alone. I woke up the next day with a text from the brother saying he was not mad and that I had a drinking problem. He was very supportive and it was touching. My fiancee came home a few days later and I was done drinking. The next day I joined this forum and decided to REALLY work on my sobriety.

Thanks for listening. I wanted to share a bit more of myself with the group. Much love
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Old 01-03-2016, 06:33 AM
  # 237 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by forabetterlife View Post
Welcome Vini, you are off to a good start !

Ub and Tick - I have quite a bit of weight to lose, so for me it's even more than just fitness goals. Like Ub, my mid 40s I feel like I need to get a handle on this before my body starts deteriorating and it become more difficult. Plus, I want to enjoy it while i still look relatively young :_)

As for feeling better, it is so dangerous for me too. Short term memory, I conveniently forget how awful it all was. This time, I am not letting my guard down and falling into that trap.

Jenses-- when you feel ready and have the time, I say knock the box open. I'm still not sure if I've figured it all out...how I came to be who I am and where I am now from all of those experiences, but recovering all of those memories is really a good start at understanding yourself better. And appreciating who you are.

Nice rainy day today. I invited my mother over for lunch. I am feeling anxious about it though because I need to ask her for money. I needed tires on my car a week ago and she offered to help me pay for them, but never followed up. I got the tires, and now I'm broke. This type of anxiety (particularly with my mother ) can be a huge trigger for me. I need to be careful and just get it over with. That on top of going back to work today, I really need to be on guard. I will be checking in with you all often ....
I hope your day goes well today - I know asking for money can be tough. Remember that you are rocking out being sober and as a parent, I know that is the biggest win, so perhaps your mom will be glad to have an opportunity to support you. And great job on the 2 mile run!
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Old 01-03-2016, 06:49 AM
  # 238 (permalink)  
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Thanks for sharing your story Bobby.
Brach I'm glad you are feeling better now, that sounds miserable. I'll have to check out the links you posted.
FABL it's very cool that you got to go through your past and share it with your girls. And you were very brave doing it.
I want to respond to more of you. I love reading all of your posts. I'm going to have kids begging for breakfast soon though! Lol, come on over pancakes, fresh eggs, bacon, home fries, toast, juice, milk, coffee and hot chocolate!

My daughter is leaving to go back to school today and I am just a mess about it. I'm not ready for her to leave. And I'm mad that I let her make the choice to go to this school. I really thought by now the newness would have worn off and she would want to come home and go back to public school where I feel she is far better off.
Anyway, I fear it will be a long day with many emotions involved.

On a good note I am really really looking forward to downton abbey tonight!!
I'll be around a lot today. I really fear AV will be very loud today. I'm not giving up my 14 days though!
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Old 01-03-2016, 06:57 AM
  # 239 (permalink)  
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Good morning group, thank you all for sharing your journey. Day 9 today for me and I feel good. I went to an AA meeting the last two nights and think that the Saturday night meeting is going to become my home group. I really like it and feel safe there.

Dee that link you posted about how to deal with alcoholic cravings is really helping me. I haven't had huge cravings the last few days, but sometimes I find my thoughts beginning to romanticize alcohol, or fantasizing about 'the good old days' and I just don't let myself continue in those thoughts for a minute. I just shut them down instantly, and wow this is really helping. I know from past experience that allowing those thoughts to grow will lead me back to drinking. Because of my hundreds of 'quits' in the past, I have a lot of experience to look at when the shift would occur in my mind from being resolute about not drinking to knowing I was going to be drinking that night. And allowing those thoughts to grow has had a BIG part in when the shift took place. So I am really focussing on that right now and it is working!

Hope you all have a fantastic Sober Sunday!

Bluejay
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Old 01-03-2016, 06:59 AM
  # 240 (permalink)  
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Bobbylight, thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm sorry for the loss of your mother in 2013, and for all that you have been through. The backwards and forwards, the quitting and starting again and again, the promises to yourself and others that you somehow haven't managed to follow through etc. etc. - well, we can all relate to it, and that's part of what makes this place feel so welcoming and safe.

Originally Posted by BobbyLight View Post
The next day I joined this forum and decided to REALLY work on my sobriety.
Apart from the support, just reading other stories and checking out the resources (e.g. the sticky posts at the top) I have found very helpful. There are plenty of folks here with more experience at sobriety than I who regularly pass on advice and tips. I genuinely think you've found a great place to start working on your sobriety. Welcome to the class
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