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Class of October 2015 Part 5

Old 12-11-2015, 05:03 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Good morning! I just thought about this from my post above: when I said "stayed medicated" I do not mean medicines that were prescribed to me. I mean street drugs, whatever I could get my hands on, and I was not acquiring them legally. I was such a mess. It was not good : ( I definitely did not mean medicine that you take under a doctor's guidance. That is helpful, what I was doing was not. Ok, I wanted to clear that up. Off to get ready for work!
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Old 12-11-2015, 05:44 AM
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Yes, Grizzly - I can relate. I was using alcohol as "medicine" myself and it's a poor one at that!!

I'm off to work, too. Things are really, really busy but taking some deep breaths for now.

KeyOfC, I hope you are doing well. Good to see you on this thread Keep checking in when you can!

Winslow, you are right about the decorating. If I have some time next week I will throw something up and enter the contest. Right now, a total of zero people have entered so we'll see what happens next week!

Today is a new moon. A December new moon. I had previously thought about making this my sobriety day, but the 7th just descended upon me - so I guess it's better to be on Day 5 than on Day 1 on the new moon.

My light arrived (for helping mood in the winter). This weekend I will try to figure out how to use it. Strangely, it's going to be 70 degrees on Saturday! Not really Christmas weather, but should make for some nice walks with my dog. Okay, I'm off!
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Old 12-11-2015, 12:17 PM
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Morning..So after a day of cutting snowflakes and then using silver glitter glue to paint the snowflakes my hands are almost shining in the dark. Going to be days before my hands get rid of the stuff, its even on my face.
So on my lunch break yesterday had a haircut and my hairdresser who I have not seen for 8 weeks (he has been on holidays) said how good I was looking. I reminded him that I had given up drinking (for health reasons doesn't know I am an ex drunk or maybe he does) Anyway I told him that since my last haircut with him I had not been drinking (did not talk about my 2 relapses). He said it showed and how I had lost weight. He said he could never do that. He needs at least 1 glass of wine a day. "His lips need to touch alcohol once a day, like a true alcoholic he said laughingly". I thought to myself maybe he has a drinking problem? I told him how great it was to wake up without a hangover and he said how he hated those mornings. Made me think how I gone from one extreme to the other.
The office staff went drinking after work and I said I would go home and wouldn't join them. I normally don't anyway so wasn't an issue. We have a lot of new staff and the group is actually really good. In the past I didn't want to associate myself with them as I found them to be a boring bunch. Now they are a fun young group and I wouldn't mind going out with them. However, they drink a lot and I would find it hard sitting in drinking places sipping on sparkling water while they are getting drunk. Unfortunately too difficult and a situation I rather avoid. This however alienates me from the group and I am the odd one out . I am the odd one out already as I am the oldest anyway!
So after work my partner picked me up and he is as high as a kite as he is finishing up work next week (he is a primary school principal) and goes on leave for a bit over 5 weeks, summer school holidays start. He has had his year 6 farewell dinner and his school presentation day. So next week it is only 3 days of kids and then 2 days with staff for training and development and then holidays. He works so hard so well deserved. Anyway went to see our drinking buddy as we usually do on Fridays for a visit, He said he knows I don't want one but if my partner would like a glass of wine. He said no, so nobody had anything and we sat and chatted for a while. Didn't stay long. The dynamics have changed so much, its upsetting in away as we used to have so much "fun" before when alcohol was part of the equation.
Picked up Chinese take out on the way home, due to my strict what I can and can not eat I always order a shrimp omelette, low carb and as Paleo as you can go. Got home and my partner wanted to get stoned and so he did I didn't feel like it. He only smokes occasionally on the weekends and the same with me.
Never really been a weed person but sometimes its nice and relaxing.
I fell a sleep on the lounge so went to bed. Had a sleep in this morning until 7am! Having a coffee and jumped on here. Going to get my partner up after posting here for a walk and then get into that garden.. So that's all from me. Enjoy your Friday evening on the other side of the pond and I will be checking SR periodically during the weekend. Stay sober..
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Old 12-11-2015, 02:25 PM
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Give it time Sydneyman - I either found new dynamics with old mates or new friends.

You will find fun again

D
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Old 12-11-2015, 04:10 PM
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Hey everyone, kind of a brutal day in the office, brutal week overall. Are you sure Christmas is just 14 days away? Sure doesn't feel like it!! I'm overworked and over tired and need some Christmas spirit.

Well, at least I got my sober Christmas miracle on Dec. 7th

Today on the 11th (new moon) I decided to de-activate my new recent Facebook account that I created one night while drinking (got up to 106 friends now). I went on today and adults were acting like children and I couldn't stand it anymore. I think many people my age are addicted to Facebook in a very strange way and it's not healthy, yet we all come to see this as the "new normal." I wasn't in a great mood today because of this workload situation and daughter having more and more and more issues related to depression and I log on there and see all this "happiness and sunshine" BS. I was not in the mood. Realistically, life isn't always positive nor should it always be or else we wouldn't be able to appreciate the positive. (Movie: Inside Out - without Sadness, we would not be able to appreciate Joy.) Anyway, people like to post all these crazy happy braggy things and life is a combination of a lot of emotions so I decided to once again say goodbye to Facebook, on the new moon, the dark moon. Just perfect timing.

I'm excited about letting go of so many negatives in 2015, and Facebook is a lot of rubbish for me. As was alcohol. I'm moving on and changing, looking forward to 2016. A fresh start! I'll try to post a few more times this weekend.

It's going to be a busy one.
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Old 12-11-2015, 05:09 PM
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Guys! ((Hug))!
My life has been a bit of a busy one! I'm glad. It keeps my mind occupied. I haven't been real depressed or full of anxiety being busier. Sometimes panic will smack me. I mean an overwhelming feeling...SMACK! I think I've done too much thinking about the past and worrying about things that haven't even happened. I have been overwhelmed with fear and anger and insecurity. I figured out I have been projecting the way I feel about myself onto other people. So I have been working real real hard on me. I'm making myself exist just for right now. I'm making myself take in whatever joy I have for this minute and embracing it. I'm making myself slow down. I'm making myself realize it don't make me a bad person to not know all the answers. I don't have to know what I'm doing in an hour either or tomorrow or next weekend. So what if the laundry isn't caught up and there's dishes on the sink. That won't be written on my epitaph I'm sure. I'm taking time to discover me. I don't know this person and I'm telling all of you to let me introduce you to yourself. I have needed to heed my own advice. It does help me to share with you guys, but it is really good advice and I need to apply it to myself too. I'm trying to let go and forgive. This all new me is all new to me and has been quite a transition. I'm slowly coming into the skin, feeling it out, seeing that I'm going to be just fine. I was scared and I think grieving too. Even at 145 days I'm still going through paws. Still having issues. But you know what, it's normal! I'm just learning how to deal with all my dysfunction, sober. It's ok and I'm fine and I welcome it all with open arms. Stretch yawn sigh. It's exhausted me but so much more better than any drunk time I ever had hands down! ((Hug))
I've got to catch up on everyone still. I apologize. I've had so much on my plate I couldn't add one more thing. I'm still supporting all of you and j still care!
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Old 12-11-2015, 05:12 PM
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Ps I'm wanting to find happiness too. I was told though it's not an actual place. It's about finding happiness inside, in the moments, in the little things. I have to open my eyes and see what's all around before I can begin to notice happiness.
I've done better staying at a more of a distance from FB too. It's a bad place for addictive behavior.
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Old 12-11-2015, 06:15 PM
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KeyofC - you're so right. I was going to force myself to go do errands and some Christmas shopping tonight. Then I came to my senses and said, "That's the last thing I need to do tonight after a tough week" Those things will get done... or they won't, right? The Earth won't stop spinning! I'm staying in and watching a movie instead, early to bed, and get a good start tomorrow!
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Old 12-12-2015, 05:44 AM
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Good morning on a Saturday! Taking a few minutes to appreciate waking up without a hangover. Without a head that's pounding and dry cotton mouth. And the dreaded nausea that's like a wave that comes and goes, but mostly stays in the early morning hours. And the violent wretching in the toilet that isn't just once and done, but lasts all morning. Yes, that was me! It's not anymore. Woke up to find my cute dog next to me and hiding under the covers. He tried to get out by himself and couldn't get the covers completely off of him and then sat there cutely like a little ghost with a sheet over him. Oh he's so cute. I freed him from the sheet and he seemed happy about that. These are the good morning sober moments that wouldn't be possible if drinking.

I've got a very busy day today and trying to decide on a plan of action. First, coffee and walk the dog. Then plan the day. Life is good.
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Old 12-12-2015, 05:52 AM
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Hey all,Juno,what a nice post😊yes it is the little things that make sobriety worth it,things we wouldn't even notice if we were drunk or hungover, I'm having a rough morning here,still am not sleeping very good,sometimes it bothers me, sometimes I'm fine with it,hope everyone has an awesome day😆
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Old 12-12-2015, 10:21 AM
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Good posts everybody! Juno, we got your cold weather here in the desert : ( We had these really strong winds come through yesterday, it was kind of scary, then the temperature dropped big time. Today it is cold and windy so it's looking like a treadmill run for me today.
Yesterday I had a really good thing happen. I've been scared of the lady I've rented from for the last 15 months. I have too many cats that I didn't pay a deposit for, my house was a mess for awhile when I was drinking/hungover daily, and I had this paranoia that she was going to find out, and I'd be in trouble. For the past 15 months, I have dropped the rent check off at her office and run out there so as to avoid her. Yesterday I decided I was going to go talk to her about our upcoming move. It went so well! She was so nice! I could tell her all I needed to tell her in less than 5 minutes, but we sat there and chit chatted for 45 minutes! She was asking my opinion on real estate appraisal stuff, and I engaged her to be my realtor when I look to buy a house soon. I left there so happy and relieved! It was a beautiful sunset over the mountains when I drove from her office to my 5:30 meeting, and I just thought wow, I am so grateful. It was an amazing feeling!
My meeting was really good. Everyone there except me had a lot of time, so one lady suggested talking about the first year of sobriety for the topic. I'm like I'm in my first 90 days, a year is a long way away! It was nice of her to suggest that, and the meeting was great.
I watched the movie Amy last night about Amy Winehouse. It was a good movie, but it was sad. I woke up this morning still feeling sad about it. It was disturbing, like it sat really heavy with me. I have plenty to do to get ready for Christmas and family coming to visit so I'm hoping that will be a distraction. Hoping everyone has a great sober day today!
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Old 12-12-2015, 11:54 AM
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Good Morning. Good posts. Not much to report from me.
It is Sunday morning and a lovely lazy day ahead of me getting ready for my walk now but it looks like rain
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Old 12-12-2015, 04:38 PM
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Grizzly, so good to hear your upbeat post. You sound so good!! I haven't seen the Amy Winehouse movie yet. I'm interested in seeing it but it sounds a little disturbing so maybe wait until I'm ready. I did order a few new alcohol related books for my Kindle, so I should be keeping very busy with everything. Will post to the group if they seem interesting as I read them. I'm finishing up a book that has nothing to do with alcohol at the moment. I must be very tainted in my judgment but the characters all seem very tame because no one has any addiction problems. There is a stalker in the story, but even she doesn't seem that bad. Hmmmm.....

I'm finishing up bills, paperwork, and a few Christmas cards and notes. Got a package for my brother to mail on Monday morning. And I think I'm going to venture out and do a little Christmas shopping tonight. I don't really feel like it, but Christmas is less than 2 weeks away and I'm starting to get nervous. Wish me luck out there.

Yes, it was 70 degrees today - felt like summer. Very strange indeed.

Sydneyman, enjoy your Sunday. I find it interesting how far ahead of me in hours you are! You must be almost a full day ahead of Winslow, who lives out west!

Midton, hope you're doing well!
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Old 12-12-2015, 05:02 PM
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Checking in.

I'm taking a day off from life today. I'm going to sit about and do nothing. Last night, for the third week in a row I got 3 movies and lots of junk food and a pizza. I ended up watching football till 2 am so I'm tired. I've also been over-doing the gym.

I don't know what happened but recently I am totally crave free and totally at ease with not drinking. I don't even have to avoid thinking about alcohol. I can think about drinking wine in a nice setting but now in a more abstract manner, I don't have the urge deep in the pit of my stomach. For the time being its gone.

I don't automatically remember what day or week I'm on but know that each Sunday starts a new week. I do know, as I've wrote it on my calendar, that tomorrow (Monday) is 100 days.

People on here keep repeating thing like " believe/trust me it gets better/easier". For the first time I am getting a sense of this. It is getting easier.
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Old 12-12-2015, 07:25 PM
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I am drinking as we speak.. Had a friend come around had some coke ( Last time wa s 5-6 yrs ago) and now having G&T's.. Not impressed by my actions at all.
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Old 12-12-2015, 07:36 PM
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Syd,

Posting while drinking must be a bit of an emotional roller coaster. Drinking and feeling bad about drinking would bring my down. I'd try to enjoy it, forget about it and get back on track tomorrow. Write it up as experience.
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Old 12-12-2015, 08:35 PM
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I'm sorry Sydneyman - I don't want to bring you down either, but this is a repeated pattern, and I think you need to look at it.

I think I've said before, I really had to change my lifestyle.

My house is where I feel secure - it needs to be that way.
I'd consider making your house a no drugs/drink zone if possible?

Regardless of that, you obviously need a new plan, or a fairly rigourous overhaul of the one you have.

I'd make that a priority.

It's not a lost cause tho - far from it

It's not that you can't be sober - it's just the permanency you're struggling with.

A few alterations to your plan could make a world of difference

D
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Old 12-12-2015, 09:01 PM
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Can't live a sober life still living in your drunk one.
Dee has excellent advice. He won't steer you wrong! I, like Dee, took drinking completely off the table. It's not an option. I just don't go there. I can't. I guard my sobriety like Fort Knox. I treat it like my life depends on it, quite frankly it does.

"When you want sobriety as much as you want the air you breathe, only then will you get clean."
"Want to quit drinking, stop picking it up."

These helped me, but I'm a quote person. They give you a quick thought in a time of need. Brevity-says a lot in little words.

Need a new plan Syd. This one isnt working. (Hug)
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Old 12-13-2015, 05:21 AM
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((Sydneyman))... I just wanted to say sorry about the lapse and that I understand. You can do this, you know you can! I'm the last one who should be giving out any advice given that I'm on Day 7, again, for a crazy amount of times, but what is helping me this time around is realizing that I'm not getting anything out of drinking anymore. Aside from all the negatives that come from it wearing off, the actual experience of drinking hasn't been very much fun. Maybe you'll come to the same conclusion and I KNOW you can do this - just get right back on the horse and keep going!!

Midton, that sounds overwhelmingly positive. I really liked hearing that. CONGRATS ON 100 DAYS!!!! Wow, wow, wow. I'm going to get there, too, just will take another 83 days

I'm about ready to get started on some work from home. Not what I feel like doing on a Sunday, but I do have time before the kids get home and must take advantage. Besides all the bills, cards notes and packages are done. Papers cleaned up and filed. Will save wrapping the presents for next weekend, or if I feel I need to, take a day off from work to do that.

Shopping last night was GREAT!!! I was really worried about the crowds going on a Saturday night two weeks before Christmas ,but I think I timed it right. By the time I got out (8:30) pm the parking lots were starting to clear. People had had it and were going home. Therefore, I had a good shopping experience with not too many people! Yay! I had great success in all 3 stores I went to (Trader Joe's, Five Below and Barnes and Noble). I had the best success for Christmas gifts in Barnes and Noble. I just love that store - great books, music, gifts and other things. I'm so happy! I love buying things for people. See, I know this is why I enjoy Christmas - picking out things for people to show them that I care about them!

Okay, off to work guys. Have a great Sunday.... Check in when you can Sydneyman. Thinking of you...
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Old 12-13-2015, 10:19 AM
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Midton, you do sound great! Your post is really encouraging to me, thank you : )
Juno, so glad you enjoyed your shopping! You made shopping at Christmas time actually sound fun! Glad to hear you are doing so well : )
Sydneyman, you haven't done anything you can't recover from. I agree with everyone, just get right back at it today, but figure out what you need to do differently this time. You can do it, I know you can!!!
Winslow, how are you?
I had a productive day yesterday, but I didn't do the dishes last night. That sounds like a little thing I know so I'll explain. My significant other still isn't feeling well, so I was going along yesterday getting everything done, but I was getting really frustrated about it. At 11 last night the dishes still weren't done, and I was like ugh do I have to do everything? My reason for doing them was just to show him up, like look I'm tougher, I can do everything. I realized that's not a good motivation, so I decided not to do them and turn on a movie instead, and the bitterness and frustration went away. This morning he sounds really bad with his congestion and cough, and I'm so glad I didn't make him feel bad yesterday for being sick. When I was drinking, I would act out of spite and feel bad about it later, but I can feel that changing now. I think through my actions and check my intentions. I'm sounding like some cheesy self-help book or something, but it's true!
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