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Class of October 2015 Part 5

Old 01-06-2016, 07:48 PM
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I hope the week gets better for you guys Juno and winslow - and anyone else struggling a little

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Old 01-06-2016, 09:25 PM
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Checking in.

My days kind of go like this I wake up refreshed and hit the gym. Recently I'm in great shape at the gym. I feel strong, have no major niggles and am getting results. During and after my workout I am so happy to be sober and feel super strong in my sobriety. Drinking is the last thing I want to do.

Then as the day progresses boredom and then stress begin to take their toll. Now drinking becomes the first thing I want to do.

I finish work and come home famished and exhausted. I ravishingly eat my evening meal then excitedly go to bed. Sadly my excitement is due to snuggling up in bed with a book. I fall asleep happy that I'm sober.

Rinse and repeat.


The book I'm (re)reading is called 59 seconds. It got me thinking last night. Is seems that thinking positive thoughts basically leads to disappointment and failed dreams. Writing down positive thoughts though works in a different way and is beneficial. I know that Juno writes. Now, I'm too lazy to go to all the trouble of buying a diary then taking it out, opening it up, grabbing a pen and writing. So I'm going to try and write something positive on here every day.

Basically I want to consciously be aware of things I should be thankful for. The things I will write about won't be in any order, rather whatever comes to my mind.


Number 1: my wife.

I have a great wife. She works in a demanding job but still has the energy left to be a great mother. She also provides a great home for all of us and she seldom really complains. Lastly, and I genuinely mean this, I am still hugely attracted to her. She is 48 but has aged incredibly well.
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Old 01-06-2016, 10:17 PM
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Gratitude is a great tool Midton.
Realising what I had made me very much want to keep it

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Old 01-07-2016, 05:09 PM
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I think that's a great idea to write something you're grateful for everyday, midton! I should do that myself.
It is cold cold cold and snowing/sleeting here in Arizona. I'll be out in it for 9 hours tomorrow looking at houses. It might be fairly miserable, but at least I'm getting paid!
I got frustrated this afternoon when I was working on a property. I was like ugh, I'm so slow, it's always going to take me longer than everybody else. My mind went to you're not good at this, you should find a new career. But that's not true, so quickly I was like hey self, don't talk to me like that! I got right back to work and focused on one thing at a time and finished it up. I think that little episode got me in gear to keep doing the things I need to do even if I don't want to do them, and I got home and quickly knocked out a few things I've been needing to do that have been hanging over me. I can do this! Getting one little thing done after another adds up to a lot of progress!
I hope everyone had a better day today!
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Old 01-08-2016, 04:07 AM
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Hi everyone - just a quick hello and then I've got to run off to my day. I haven't had a lot of free time this week. I haven't been able to work out all week and it's getting me down Too many appointments and things to do. I am looking forward to the weekend fora break and some working out.

I am still sober - had one wine craving last night but I think it's because I was under so much stress and even forgot to take my Campral, that seems to help with cravings. I've got to get back to taking care of me a bit.

Midton, nice job with the journaling, even if electronic. I have a paper and pen type of journal and love it. I think it helps with my growth and development. I'm currently in kind of an isolation phase (by choice) and it's helping me a lot to have a place to write and vent. Grizzly, can't believe you have snow in Arizona. We haven't had one flake of the white stuff here. My kids are getting disappointed. I'm okay with it
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Old 01-08-2016, 07:02 AM
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Hey all,still coasting along here,had the closest urge to drink yesterday that I've had this far!; I think its because I'm trying to quit smoking, eat better,exercise more,pay off debt,well I smoked more than I allotted myself,ate a Roche chocolate and 1/2 a donut,plus work was slow,I think setting these dumb goals,while healthy, is just too much right now and my main focus has got to be staying off beer for good,I can't go back,after a short nap after work I was fine but my goodness that ugly feeling, hope we all have a fun Friday😊
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Old 01-08-2016, 02:35 PM
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Hi all, just checking in. Friday night. Made it through a rather tough week. And without drinking, yay! Funny that both Winslow and I were craving last night. Glad we both made it through. Winslow, I would go easy on yourself. Quitting drinking is hard enough never mind trying to fix everything in your life all at once. With time, you will find the strength to tackle things. I personally believe a little chocolate or a donut once in a while is okay I had a few Godiva truffles this week. The box I got for Christmas is almost gone, and I won't buy a new one

I'm really tired, and I'm giving myself the gift of a weekend off from work. I didn't get in all my hours, but enough of them to call it a week. For my mental healthy, I need a break and lots of sleep and some good old fashioned relaxation as well as exercise. Work can wait until Monday.

I hope everyone is doing well. Time to kick off the weekend - just took a hot bath and got on comfy clothes. Going to rest a bit before doing something else.
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Old 01-08-2016, 04:27 PM
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I agree Juno,I mean I love the exercise cuz its fun so I'll definitely keep doing that,I guess I wanted to just live healthier and it seems a waste to exercise and then smoke and eat junk ,however at least I'm building a base for when I do quit the other stuff,enjoy your weekend and pamper yourself, you deserve it😊
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Old 01-08-2016, 06:06 PM
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Like Juno, I'm also exhausted so I'm going do nothing today. I'll have an early night tonight and hit the gym on Sunday morning. I hate not exercising every day and feel really guilty about it. Another kind of addiction I think.


Well onto my thankfulness list.

Number 2: my job

Now, my job is my greatest source of stress and of cravings but that's because I'm self-employed and worry every single day about earning money. This last year was my worst year in the 15 or so years that I've been doing it. In saying that my worst year is still way above the average uk wage.

The good thinks about my job are as follows:

1. I have no boss
2. I can make my own schedule
3. It has provided a good lifestyle for my family ( international holidays, property, nice car, can generally buy what we need, vacation time)
4. I can do things my way. I am unique, almost anti- established business practice in the way I run my business but I have found a niche.
5. I have, literally, a 20 step commute. My house and business are in separate buildings but directly across the street from one another.
6. It keeps me young


There's probably more but basically I'd be very happy in my job if my income was guaranteed but being self-employed I can't have my cake and eat it.
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Old 01-08-2016, 06:46 PM
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Great job on not drinking Juno and Winslow!! I agree with Juno that the top priority definitely is staying sober then the rest will fall into place when we're ready. Some days I feel like I haven't done enough then I remind myself that staying sober is a successful day.
I am tired too. It snowed off and on while I was seeing houses today, and by early afternoon I was like ugh, I'm cold and tired, I don't know if I can finish. But I did! And I made it to my 5:30 meeting. It's been a good day- better than I thought it was going to be when I started out at 6 this morning. I am in my jammies now and about to watch basketball. Here's hoping for a sober, restful weekend for us all!
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Old 01-08-2016, 10:39 PM
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Griz,

I seldom watch tv but happened to turn on one of the documentary channels and there was some program about people living in the deserts of Arizona. Quite enjoyed it. Sometimes I think a harsher more physical live away from the modern world would suit me. I would also have too many things on my plate to allow my mind to become bored.
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Old 01-09-2016, 05:10 PM
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Hi all - I'm doing fine today. No cravings as is usually the case on the weekend when I have time to take care of myself. I do have an uneasy stomach but hope it's nothing serious and passes quickly. One thing's for sure, it's not a hangover! I'm on Day 8 and was feeling really optimistic this morning.

I managed to get a lot done today and even got to yoga, which felt fantastic. I had some things on the agenda tonight (mostly errands) but nixed them due to the queasy stomach. Will stay in bed and read or watch a movie or some football. I have to learn that all tasks can wait when you need to take care of yourself - everything doesn't all have to be done quickly and in one day. I get kind of neurotic like that. So I'm trying to slow down and have an easy night. Drinking water to try to flush out any germs if there are any.

I love the weekends -- I love having a chance to re-group and re-charge. Not sure what I'd do without my weekends!
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Old 01-09-2016, 06:00 PM
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That does sound interesting, midton! I really like it out here in a small town. It's been easier for me to get and stay sober here than in a big city.
I'm having a lot of mixed emotions today. My significant other moves tomorrow, and part of me is really sad and the other part has been knowing for 5 months that this was coming so I'm like ok, let's do this so I can figure out my new routine. Five months is a long time for something to hang over me, and it's culminated into a mess of feelings. Probably the worst choice I made today was listening to Adele's new cd on the way to and from the grocery store. Good God, I was getting all sentimental and ready to ball my eyes out! Today I've done a lot of things to get ready for the upcoming week with a new and hectic schedule. I've thought a lot today about in the past when I was a single mom and heavy into drinking and drugs, I didn't have the energy or the money to go grocery shopping. At my son's lunch time at school I'd have to run by mcdonalds and put it on a credit card then run over and drop it off at his school so he'd have something to eat. And I was ususally late. Some weeks I would alot like $54 to get groceries for the week, but I'd always find a way to get my fixes. That is so sad. Back in September when I took my son to a swim meet an hour and a half away, and I drank before we left, throughout the swim meet, on the way home, and once we got home, it hit me that if I can't handle a swim meet not drinking, I sure as hell can't handle everything else. I had to make some big changes. I can do this now because I'm sober. Sorry for the long post and if I've repeated things I've already said, but I'm feeling a little weird today and just needed to type away. Thanks : )
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Old 01-09-2016, 06:58 PM
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Grizzly, I think it's good you're getting your thoughts out here. It sounds like a big change for you, even though you've had time to prepare, and it's understandable that you're emotional. Keep posting here when you need to - I have confidence that you can handle this!

Your story of your son's swim meet brought back a memory for me. A few years ago (not sure of the year, I have been struggling with binge wine drinking since about late 2007 when I was separated from my ex and broke up with boyfriend) so it was some year around 2010-2011 or so. I had bought tickets to take my son to see Thomas the Tank Engine at the local railroad. It's a big event and draws lots of people. So we got tickets for early Saturday morning when Thomas was in town.

The night before I drank heavily. I daresay my drinking was even worse back then - I had little control over how much I drank and certainly didn't plan my binges around what I was doing the next day and just drank with reckless abandon. So I was massively hungover that day, but still woke up and got my son ready for the event. We drove about an hour to get there and I felt awful.

One of the first things you do when you get to this event is to ride on "Thomas". Thomas is actually pulling some passenger cars, so you're really riding on regular train cars that Thomas is pulling. Okay, kids like to use their imagination So we boarded the train and got ready for the ride. As we rode on Thomas I started to feel sicker and sicker. The train car was clang-clanging back and forth and my stomach was really getting worse with each clang. I looked around and saw all the happy families all chipper and healthy with their happy kids. And there I was, sick, sad and divorced with my son feeling like I was so far on the fringe of society. The ride was only about 20 minutes, but I was feeling like I wasn't going to make it without throwing up. I kept saying to myself, "Please let me make it through this ride." I just barely made it - as the train pulled up to the station, I grabbed my son's hand and said, "Come with me quickly." I didn't even make it to a bathroom. I just found the most private space I could find (which was still out in public) and proceeded to vomit on the ground, over and over. Talk about a low. That memory really sticks out in my mind.

I have other stories like that, but this one came to mind tonight. Grizzly, I hadn't heard your stories before - I'm glad you shared them.
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Old 01-09-2016, 09:44 PM
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Thank you, Juno : ) And thank you for sharing your story as well. It is painful to recall those times. I was feeling so guilty as a mother when I typed that post earlier, but I think when we put it in writing it helps us remember why we don't want to go back. Thank you so much for the support!! It means a lot to me.
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Old 01-10-2016, 12:51 AM
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we're here for you Griz

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Old 01-10-2016, 05:09 AM
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My family had things to do today so I spent it alone and online but all in a good cause. I've booked a mini-break at the end of March to Hiroshima. It's the one place I really wanted to visit and decided on the spur of the moment to go with my eldest daughter.

I can be a bit obsessive about planning things so I was online looking at hotel websites then checking trip advisor. I hope I've made a good choice. Something to look forward to.

Drinking and parenting don't mix well. Although I would feel guilty about my drinking my wife was always there for the kids. Though drinking made me an impatient, selfish father. I hope there isn't any long term underlying damage to the relationship between me and my kids. My kids are much closer to their mum though, that may be natural though. They certainly look to mum for emotional support and me for money, the rock and the bank.
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Old 01-10-2016, 06:34 AM
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Midton - nicely done booking a mini-break. I can relate to the obsessive nature of planning things, especially trips. I actually quite enjoy the planning process so put a lot of effort into it. It took me a long while to actually book our mini-break - we are going to Florida in early March. I researched hotels, thought about dates/times etc. and finally made the decision. May we both get a good break!

Re: drinking and parenting, I agree - they don't go together well, which is another reason to stop. I am lucky that I am very close to all 3 of my kids and I don't know if any permanent damage was done psychologically because of it, but it seems they have all moved on from it if there was. They have other issues they are dealing with.

Interestingly, I play the part of the "emotional role" with all 3 kids and my ex is the "financial provider type." It's just his nature - he's not as able to relate to them and never has been, although he's a great dad and really wants to connect with all of them. He recently made the comment to me that he doesn't have much of a relationship with either my eldest (the daughter) or the second child (the one with autism). Both of them live with me most of the time and are clearly more bonded with me. The third one spends about equal time at both our houses out of necessity - I can't do it all and he goes to a private school which requires a lot of logistical planning - so he has gotten used to spending several nights a week at each at our houses. He seems to be good with both parents, but when given the choice he picks to stay at my house, in spite of the fact that my ex's house is "fancier" (in his words). My ex doesn't have an issue with alcohol and never has (lucky him ) - he can share a bottle of wine on a Saturday night and be done with it for the week!

The bottom line is that even though drinking does affect families and kids, I have managed to do lot of my suffering on my own and in silence and it has affected me more than anyone else. In any event, I never want to go back and am feeling good about where I am right now and my plans for the new year.
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Old 01-10-2016, 11:04 AM
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Day 80😁 agree on the drinking and parenting,I cringe when I think back,also I have my little 2 year old grandson 4 days a week and I have had to put off watching him before cuz I was drunk or recovering,stupid! I can't believe themood swings in early recovery,feel nutz some days,other days elated,will get through though,everyone sounds great,enjoy this day,it'll never be here again😊
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Old 01-10-2016, 05:40 PM
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Congrats on Day 80 Winslow, way to go!!! I like that saying "enjoy this day - it'll never be here again." So true!

I was having a wonderful day - very relaxed, doing some reading, some errands, went to yoga, watched some football, etc. Then two of my kids came home and the serenity vanished. My son has been pretty calm (very actually) but my daughter is a big bundle of anxiety and problems. I know some of my drinking in the last few years has been triggered by her issues, but the new me isn't going to allow that. I recognize I became anxious when she came home and presented me with all her problems and troubles, so I'm going to calmly go about my business, do what I can for her and let it go. Then I will also take my anti-anxiety meds and try to relax and get to bed early. That's how the new version of me handles these problems. The old me would run to the wine store, grab a cold bottle of Chardonnnay, come home and get blotto. Then I would reach out to people on Facebook and cause lots of problems, wake up the next day with shame and a hangover, and start over again. No, I don't want to do that anymore. The cycle is being broken!

Hope everyone is having a good Sunday. Deep breaths, the new week starts tomorrow.
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