Dee74

You were sounding more positive in earlier posts enfin - has something happened?

D

enfinthechange

They have all gone out to the cinema. ... my husband doesn't want to talk to me, the marriage is over I guess. I am crying and sobbing and googling ways to kill myself... the magnitude of my stupidity is settling in, the harm and the damage and the fool I have made of myself. I think I am probably depressed anyway, certainly have some kind of mental problems, my husband hasn't met my needs really for ages, so pissed brain did something about it. With a guy up the road in the village...I just can't get over my stupidity.....

I can be sober, so far, but can I ever get over this.... I can't see how.

I can also see all the good my husband does, all the nice kind things... and now I have hurt him so bad....he has to deal with me ffs, that's bad enough job. Nown wonder he's grumpy and finds it hard to love me.... I'm a ****** nightmare.

FaithfulAndFree

Another day 1, I'm so disgusted with how easily I relapse.

enfinthechange

It feels so sad doesn't it... but try again... you know more this time. One day or hour or.minute at a time. It's a slow road it seems. ... but I haven't had a drink for 35 hours. ... not.much is it .....

Dee74

Please do read this link if you're thinking of harming yourself in any way, Enfin.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

I had a very dark period in my 20s when I was convinced things would never change.

Had I successfully acted on that impulse then, I would have missed out on a lot of very good things that have happened to me since.

This is a ghastly event, and I understand the despair you must feel - but this can be a new beginning too...and not simply a catastrophic event to beat yourself up over and over and over again.

D

enfinthechange

Thanks you. It is passing. I am.a nice person... just screwed up so bad. I hate hurt and pain. But thank you dee x

canguy

I'm sorry you guys are having such a hard time tonite.

It can only get better if you give it a chance and the time.

Which doesn't seem much to offer you... but tomorrow will be a better day.

SoberMarathon

great job swimkim! Sounds like we had the same Saturday!

SoberMarathon

things will get better, just be patient...each day away from alcohol will be that much clearer. A huge group of support here for you 24/7.

enfinthechange

How do you all think you can recover from the mistakes u made when drunk.... what can u do??? Any ideas????

I can't get over Fridays mistake... and how I behaved. There's too much guilt....

If I'm honest, totally honest , a part of me wanted to make the.mistake.... but the booze allowed it and over read the side of me what knew it was wrong. How do I move on from that????

SoberMarathon

if you think you're the only one who's been an ass to your spouse, rest assured you are not alone. I have spent most of the past decade thinking I am invincible, George Clooney with the ladies, fueled by the false confidence of excessive drinking. At home I have the storybook life, stay at home trophy wife, two beautiful children and a dog. The shame I feel for things I've done is at times unbearable. All I know is that the only way I can rewrite how this book ends is by eliminating the very source of the madness: alcohol. The quote Rah posted yesterday about not being able to change the past so don't obsess over it hit home. We can't change it, so we need to stop beating ourselves over it. We can change the present though, which in turn will guide our futures. Things can get better. Step 1 for us is not drinking. Hang in there and make that first step.

SoberMarathon

I think by changing, showing others how you have changed, accepting that the person who did the 'bad things' wasn't you but the addict in you, and time, collectively will promote healing. Nobody's perfect, even non-alcoholics!!

VanillaChaiTea

Good Morning all and welcome to all the new members of this thread.

Day 2. It feels wonderful to wake up hangover-free. I feel pretty good, but I can tell it's going to take a long while for the alcohol to really exit my system.

Enfin - you are in a tough spot and I feel for you. I really, really messed up with my daughters 2 days ago. It's not the first time but I want it to be the last. Yesterday I was hungover and filled with despair. Today no hangover, but a deep sense of sadness has settled in my bones. I am going to focus on recovery 24/7 for now. That's all I can do.

I went to bed last night around 8:30; was just exhausted. Woke up at 4:30 and the first thing in my head was those daughters of mine. The next thing in my head was the reality of the road ahead. I have a very full day, which is a good thing. I need to catch up on some work (I brought work home over the long Thanksgiving weekend and it must get done today - my own fault as I have not been very productive this month due to being perpetually hungover. I have to bill my time, which means if I am not getting work done, it shows in my billable hours. November was really not good and I realized what a slippery slope I am on.) I have a meeting and other recovery-related things to round out my day. Will check in here later this afternoon or this evening.

Have a wonderful day, all. Stay strong.

enfinthechange

What if the terrible thing was the real me?? Maybe I shouldn't blame the alcohol??? Maybe It just opened the door I wanted stuck shut....

Missy7

Back on day two here. I wish I understood this cycle--or should I say I wish I had learned to stop it. I've given up so much to this problem--and I've never been happy about the results. I will have one good day this holiday weeken, and a weeks worth of stuff to do! And having just come off a bender, I'm terribly anxious abt it. Everything is closing in on me!

I'm going to lie back down and rest another hour, then I'll have to be responsible for whatever this day brings

Dee74

I wrote about this to you yesterday so I won;t repeat myself, but the real you and the drunk you are miles apart enfin.

Drunk me was a corruption of me, not the real me.

I hope you'll come to accept and believe that for yourself.

Missy maybe it's time for another approach? not looking at how to end the cycle but how to stop it starting up?

D

enfinthechange

I know dee, thanks for keeping on helping. .. I am.being needy I know. .. but I'm feeling a hit better and hopefully now! That's down to u guys... without this I may be dead.....

Autumnlover19

Enfin, I am still horrified and scared by my last bender which has so far helped me get 21 days sober. I wanted to drink to deal with the aftermath and anxiety, but a part of me knew that I simply couldn't continue the destruction.

Now that horrible bender serves as a reminder to me. Any time I think about having a drink, I think how that "one" drink can end up. Jail, institution, or death.

I'm done with the fear, anxiety, shame and despair.

You will get through this. Put sobriety first right now. Whether or not your marriage lasts comes later. You can make that decision with a clear head.

Hugs to you.

enfinthechange

Thanks jemma...
It's crazy how bad booze can be and how we.can all be conned over and over....
Good luck to u xx

Autumnlover19

Oh, and enfin don't worry about what people think or remember. I have found that usually they were wasted too. Also, there is usually some other drunk fool to talk about within a few days and you will be forgotten that's how it is in my small town.