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Class of August 2015 Part 7

Old 12-27-2015, 07:55 AM
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Hi lovehoops, glad you survived xmas!

Miss our class, hope others check in soon!

Day 9 today. Last slip feels like it's fading quickly from memory. Now I just need to stay vigilant so it doesn't happen again. I tried to journal last night. I'll keep at it, but it got a bit tedious and I quit early. I'm a little bored of myself, sometimes.....ha.

It feels wonderful to wake up clear headed. Was getting some texts last night from a friend drinking at a bar in AZ that I have previously drank at. I bet he doesn't feel great today...a good reminder of where I've been and don't want to be.
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Old 12-27-2015, 11:15 AM
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Hi guys! Yes, it's over! Yippee! I got advice from veterans here to cancel trip I was dreading, I agreed completely and was close but ended up shortening it significantly vs cancelling due to what if it's mom last Christmas and was sad because of me? Never know at her age even though she is strong and feisty. She thinks of Christmas 24/7, makes ornaments all year, has a huge storage just for Christmas stuff, it's over the top! It worked out with changing flights amazingly so I was there only Christmas Eve and day! No time to get my feelings hurt by nieces and nephew having no time for me.... I had no time! I planted the seed that I would not be there next year, so Mom won't be upset and I am relieved!

No drinks yay!! Not big drinkers so no biggie but usually I get very depressed and somehow find alcohol.

Watcha doing with your time off Kitty? I'm going to purge the house, donate bunch of stuff!

BKA, Hoops, Patricia nice to see you! I do hope Benice, Clown and Retread check in again. Key, what's up? BBG?

Got a nice bottle of wine in mail, luckily it's not my type so maybe the spouse will have some for New Years . (One glass does it for him) I feel strong enough to have liquor in the house if it's something I didn't drink before. I think we have super old Cognac somewhere and various other items, I could care less. But forget the white wines or vodka!

Going to make some spinach lasagna today to freeze for dinners, some veggie chili and ghormesabzeh( not sure how to spell). It's a stew with all kinds of greens. I will add tofu instead of meat. it's 57 degrees here and everyone is bundled up and feels like homesteading, hah! I like cooking now that I have learned a bit about it and don't have to worry about cutting off fingers being intoxicated .

Have a nice Sunday August peeps!
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Old 12-27-2015, 08:00 PM
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Not good

Sooo I got tendinitis and carpal tunnel for Christmas this year... I've been prescribed a big dose of antiinflamatory ...but I think it's cut down my inhibition .... Didn't help that my grandpa gave my husband 2 bottles of rare whiskey for Christmas... The holidays have not been easy for me....now coming off a 5day binger. Time to start over.
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Old 12-27-2015, 08:17 PM
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welcome back CB

Try to think what else you can add to your recovery plan, and get right back on the right road

D
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Old 12-27-2015, 08:46 PM
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Thanks CB for coming back. As long as we keep trying the battle is not lost! Sorry about carpal tunnel
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Old 12-27-2015, 08:49 PM
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Welcome to the other side of Christmas all. Glad to see you back Clown.

I had a bit of a downer day but I have had worse so I won't complain.

I'll try to post some micro-successes tomorrow!
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Old 12-28-2015, 04:43 AM
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Hello Class! Checking in after Christmas. Stayed sober the whole time and really enjoyed myself - spent some time with my daughter and her boyfriend, attended my friends' annual Christmas Eve party and spent some alone time (in the company of my cat :-) reading and luxuriating in my wonderful home with a cozy fireplace and comfortable bed. My daughter and I baked 2 kinds of cookies and made peppermint bark. I cooked a couple of dinners for her and her boyfriend.

I ate lots of yummy food and drank lots of tea. Got myself Earl Gray green tea and Jasmine green tea - both are delicious!

Coming up to the holidays I was quite anxious about not drinking and how I'm going to handle it but this wonderful feeling of calm and confidence descended over me in the last couple of weeks and I had no trouble at all saying no to offers of drink. BTW, my 48th birthday was on Christmas Eve - in the past I would celebrate with champagne and wine, etc. This year, we had sparkling grape juice and it felt very festive :-) I haven't felt so good and so happy in years!

I hope everyone is doing well! Wishing you all lots of strength and serenity!
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Old 12-28-2015, 05:16 AM
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Hey guys ((hug))
I'm still here, still sober. Been busy to the point I haven't had a lot if time to post and keep up. Also still struggling a bit working things out inside me, so I've been quiet. Probably not a good thing, but I'm finding it hard to really describe how I'm feeling. To me it's very real, but when I verbalized it, it sounds completely ridiculous. So I dunno. Anyway, just checking in. Sober, not struggling with that part. I'm proud of myself for my sobriety. If I can just get even some of the rest of this stuff inside dealt with or even just a little bit better, it would be a relief!
Merry Christmas ((hug))
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Old 12-28-2015, 05:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways View Post
Hi Yoga, good to hear from you. My parents and sister leave in a few days so I will be back to dealing with some pretty intense solitude.

I have thought of you as I remember you saying the first few months of sobriety were just a trudge but then you said it did get better. Would you be willing to say more about how that went?

Hope you all are grinding along in low gear recovery to the best of your abilities!
BKA, sorry I did not respond to this post earlier. The first 3 months of sobriety were a bear. I needed a lot of crutches, I continuously felt sorry for myself, anxious and unsure of myself. I had to plan every minute of every day to make sure that I had something to do other than drinking. When attending any kind of event where alcohol was served, I rehearsed saying "no, thank you" for days beforehand... And then, slowly, things started falling into place. I told my friends and family that I am no longer drinking. I realized that my sleep quality improved greatly and that I am feeling much better physically. And most importantly, my overall mood changed. Instead of feeling slightly depressed and down all the time, I started feeling happy for the first time in many many years. I started enjoying and cherishing every moment of every day. I have to admit that at times I'm a bit scared of that happy feeling. Like the calm before the storm, like some kind of a disaster is going to strike and take it away from me. But I'm trying to put these thoughts out of my mind and just focus on the moment. So far so good. Looking forward to the 5 month mark in a few days, and then on to 6 months and a year...

I don't post here very often, but I read the posts of my classmates and I feel very grateful for having this place to turn to when I need help and reinforcement and company.
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Old 12-28-2015, 06:32 AM
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Welcome back Clownbaby, you can get sober again. We've all been there, just take one step at a time.

Good to see more action here! Sadie I'll be working on some stuff at the house and condo (I'll be renting it out) this week. And yoga! I did a class yesterday, will hopefully get there every other day at a minimum.....

Day 10. I dreamt last night of acceptance and being grateful to experience life fully, without the facade that alcohol provides. You know, we think of it as "fun" but it really just hides us from real life. I'm ready for real life.
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Old 12-28-2015, 06:10 PM
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Thanks Yoga for explaining more. I'm so happy it did finally get better for you. Planning does seem key to recovery; Dee really encourages folks to get a plan. I hope being happy gets more comfortable for you!!!

Key, good to see you. Check in when you can. Clownbaby and Kittycat thanks for getting back at it. Sadie send me some ghormesabzeh; it sounds good.
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Old 12-29-2015, 04:22 AM
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Thank you, BKA. I do hope I can get used to feeling happy - it is a great feeling

I would like to explain a bit more about my crutches and the process (I hope this will be helpful to someone).

99% of my drinking was solitary - I would drink wine in the evenings after coming home from work and most of the day/evening on the weekends. I would wake up in the middle of the night with my heart racing and waves of heat coming over me when the liver would dump all that sugar into my bloodstream. In the mornings I would drag myself out of bed, take some advil and would go to work (no doubt driving still under the influence!) and would sit in front of my computer like a zombie. I was terrified that my manager and co-workers could smell alcohol off me. I was so incredibly lucky that I didn't get into any kind of trouble while drinking!

For the first month or so, I felt like I needed a drink in my hand in the evenings in order to make it work. I stocked up on sparkling water, apple juice and grape juice and would drink water and juice mixed half and half, glass after a glass... It helped. I ate a lot and whatever I felt like. I figured that I only had enough willpower for one thing at a time, so I didn't try to restrain my eating in any way.

I planned every evening and every weekend to the minute (which way to drive home from work, which store to stop by to get my groceries, what to eat, what to watch on TV, what to knit, what to read, etc.) I made detailed lists while still at work and I envisioned myself doing the things on the list. Then I crossed them off the list as things got done. I had some very silly and mundane things on the lists but it worked :-)

I went to one AA meeting early on in the process but decided that AA was not for me (I'm not religious so that aspect didn't work for me). I attended a couple of online chat meetings and those were very helpful. And I was on SR forums every single day, reading and sometimes posting, joining the weekender threads, etc. Having SR community support was (and still is) by far the biggest help.

I avoided places and situations involving drinking (for example, when a friend invited me for drinks after work, I asked her to have lunch instead). When I couldn't avoid these events, I would prepare days in advance, envisioning myself turning down alcohol and asking for cranberry juice with lots of ice instead. I would run over that in my head time and time again, so that when I got to the event, I knew exactly what to say and what to do. It worked surprisingly well.

All throughout, the AV was there, making me feel sorry for myself, making me feel like I'm missing out on life by not drinking. All the wine adds on TV were screaming "drink!!!" to me. I started noticing how prevalent alcohol consumption was on TV and internet. Every show featured people drinking wine or talking about wine! I realized that a woman with a glass of wine in her hand became a cliche. And I decided that I didn't want to be that cliche. But the AV kept on telling me that it's fine :-(

By then, I was far enough into the process that I didn't want to throw away all the hard work I have done. The thought of having to go through the first few weeks again scared me to death (it still does!). And I know that if I relapse, it will be worse than before. I know I have no self control and it's all or nothing for me. So fear is still a big motivator for me. And it's still a struggle sometimes, but generally it is much better now. I will go for days without really thinking about drinking. Seeing other people drink does not evoke such strong reactions in me any more. It is getting easier, but it took 3 really difficult months to get here.

I know things work differently for everyone, but I really hope this helps at least some of you!
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Old 12-29-2015, 04:30 AM
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I forgot to mention that I take Vit D and Super B-Complex every day. I think they help a lot.
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Old 12-29-2015, 04:23 PM
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Well it's day 1 for me again, sad to say I slipped last night. I drank a beer at lunch and started the downward slide, capped off the night at home by drinking 3/4 of a bottle of wine. Posted drunkenly on FB and talked to my dad and Best friend - both people who think I am sober. Dad didn't say anything to me today about it, so if he suspects I was drunk he is staying mum. I also reached out to a guy over text ....smh. But by far the worst part about this mess is the depression I feel today. It's better than earlier but I feel like such a loser. I just know if I don't stop drinking I will die from this. I scare myself good with every relapse yet still made that choice to order a beer yesterday. Insanity!!!! I can only say that today I am sober. Thank goodness I can say that.
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Old 12-29-2015, 07:55 PM
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Thanks for coming back Kittycat!!! Can you think of it as feedback not failure? What feedback can you get from the experience?

Yoga thanks for elaborating. I have wanted to know specifics of plans as plans seem to be key.

I had an okay day although I need to get more exercise and I get sick of myself saying this as it is such a help for my depression and I just don't do it enough. Sigh. Okay, well, tomorrow is another day.
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Old 12-30-2015, 03:10 AM
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Good morning everyone,
Kitty cay, glad to see you are back...and you too clownbaby. Keep posting!
Yoga pants...I enjoyed reading your post. A plan of keeping busy is terrific and you certainly had one in place. I too, drank alone in the evening which of course turned into sneaking around 24/7! I need to keep busy. Since I am a teacher, I get into trouble when I am home for vacations. I quit drinking this time on august 26th, just before I went back to school. This is the first time I am home for more than a couple of days. So far, I ts been okay. You are right though, there is alcohol everywhere. Christmas Eve was a bit tough bc we were with one group who are big partiers. The rest of the week I have been very busy...or I have made sure I am very busy! No plans for New Years. Hope to go to sleep.

Wishing you all a great day xo
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Old 12-30-2015, 09:59 AM
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Thanks Yoga very much for posting your sobriety tips. Glad to hear it gets better. Seems like a struggle right now! I will just concentrate on not drinking today. Trying to get myself to move, going to hit the mall to return some things.
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Old 12-30-2015, 12:59 PM
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Guys don't give up! Every slip is a lesson. It teaches us what works and what doesn't work for us. I know it would be great to wake up one day, decide that is going to be Day 1, never ever drink again and live happily ever after. That'd be the ideal situation. But for most of us, it takes several Day 1s. And it's ok! Make it a lesson, not a failure! Keep trying!
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Old 12-30-2015, 04:52 PM
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Thanks for the support all. I hope it's a learning experience, but there is a voice in my head that reminds me that I've been here before and sworn off alcohol on a million day 1s (so it seems.)

All I know is I won't drink today. Just turned down a HH invite tonight, because I don't trust myself to go to a bar and not drink yet. I have done it plenty of times in the past (6 years sober previously) but not strong enough in this quit yet.

I won't drink today! Day 2 almost over.
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Old 12-30-2015, 07:57 PM
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Stay the course Kittycat!

Had an ok day but not great. On to a new year.
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