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Class of April 2015 Part 9

Old 11-02-2015, 02:42 PM
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I have an increased respect for gradients now

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Old 11-02-2015, 04:11 PM
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Great advice, Dee! And I'm glad you are doing okay
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Old 11-03-2015, 12:22 AM
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Amp, I have had a day to think over what you went through this weekend. Frankly, there have been some great replies between the two threads. I am not one to beat the proverbial dead horse.

Definitely, go back and read your earlier threads in April and May. Heck, when I found this board in August, there was still a heavy tone of cautiously walking on egg shells constantly and trying to make it through each day with eyes wide open. I can tell just over the past couple months, a quiet confidence has set in amongst the handful of survivors from April.

I don't really know what I would have done in your situation. I would like to say that I would have sent the beer back or left it and gotten something else. Like Inc said, none of us has tried to moderate from a period of sobriety, only from a run of heavy drinking. Also, Inc said it would take a while to fall back down that hole again. If I did have a beer, I feel pretty sure I wouldn't get blasted immediately, but the next social situation, I would probably allow myself to try again. Then I would continue testing my limits. That's just me.

As Dee stated, he doesn't recommend NA beer because of it's similarity to the real thing. I have one can almost every day. I really do enjoy the taste of beer, but do not want a buzz. I was a rum and wine drunk, so it does not trigger me. If I do order one out, I ask for the can or bottle to make sure that I am actually getting an NA. I know most would say that I still am thinking like an alcoholic. Perhaps I am. However, yesterday was my 200th day sober, so it is working for me.

Lot's to think about Amp, and for everyone on this board and the Undie board. Ultimately, the choice is yours and yours alone. I hope that you can continue riding the sobriety train with the rest of us cretins here.
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Old 11-03-2015, 01:08 AM
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Following doctor's orders and reading through April 2015 part 2 (when I joined). An Eye-opener alright. Everybody struggling every day to beat down the AV. Every day a true fight for your life. It's easy to forget how far we've come. It's been funny and sad to read Zab's "catch up laggers" and so many other great participants like Janelane, Canguy, Jazzfish...

We really are a lucky few. I REALLY don't want to mess with that.

Funny. I was thinking about not mentioning the beer thing. I had myself thinking it was nothing important or significant, but then I remembered that I'd made a promise to myself to be absolutely honest here and it felt like omitting that might be shading the dishonest. Now I'm so glad I put it out there. I feel like I can move on fine but it's one of those things that may have opened the door to the abyss had I not put it out there. Thanks again guys. I'm so lucky to have this group behind me to help me address my issues. Only an alcoholic can truly understand an alcoholic.
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Old 11-03-2015, 01:13 AM
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I actually PMed Zab last week but no reply. Seem to remember he mentioned having a couple of beers after work a couple of times. It's a slippery slope alright :-/
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Old 11-03-2015, 02:09 AM
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Originally Posted by amp123 View Post
so many other great participants like Janelane, Canguy, Jazzfish...

c.
I happened to read this then read the new November class and saw Canguy posted.

I should be at 2 months around Thursday. Feeling comfortable in general.
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Old 11-03-2015, 03:50 AM
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That's good to hear! Thanks Midton!
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Old 11-03-2015, 06:03 AM
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Amp, seems like you have it together, which is great! Sorry if my response to your situation came across as a bit direct. It was well intentioned.

Anyway, I am happily sober, and I say happily because when I am on the road it's always a bit different - people suggesting I have a drink etc. not that I am bothered as such in terms of temptation, it just gets a bit tiresome (never imagined I would think that!).

So there's none for me today. I am looking forward to going to bed sober and to getting some exercise first thing tomorrow before I hit the working day.

Best wishes one and all
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Old 11-03-2015, 06:13 AM
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Originally Posted by OMD View Post
Amp, seems like you have it together, which is great! Sorry if my response to your situation came across as a bit direct. It was well intentioned.
Your response was perfect, OMD. It made sure that I addressed something potentially dangerous instead of sweeping it under the rug! Thank you!
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Old 11-03-2015, 11:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
I'm coming in here cold without context, but I really believe you could have put the glass down, ordered a coke and chances are no one would have been any the wiser - and who cares if they were?

I'm not beating you up but it's a line of argument I hope you never buy again

Don't let yourself be beguiled again, man.
The Truth right here in Dee's response.
When I read your post I immediately thought situation I found myself in a couple weeks ago, Amp; and it wasn't until after I questioned the waiter, read the bottle, had my husband pull out his glasses to read the bottle, before I accepted the non-alchoholic beer, that I realized that our friends were sitting with us, witnessing what I think they may have perceived as my craziness. But, hell ya! I'm not going to let my anxiety get the best of me. I felt weird after the fact, wondering if the friends thought I was an alcoholic (um, which I am, but hid it for long I just feel I still need to keep it hidden). It's another weight lifted when you just OWN it! I did that without thinking. So maybe just don't overthink situations, just go with your gut instinct.
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Old 11-03-2015, 12:12 PM
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Amp, after reading the other posts, I am so glad you are keeping your perspective clear. I've tried moderation, and it doesn't work. Especially, it seems, after I quit for a couple weeks or so, I seemed to dig myself deeper. Right now, thankfully, I see the line clear as day. I could drink and go back to the way I was, or I could continue to fight for my sober life and continue to grow and be happier and happier, and more steadfast in my decision to being sober every single day. It is getting easier as each day passes, and I wouldn't go back. The thought just makes my stomach turn. I would really have to hate myself to go back there, and I can't even fathom the thought of hating myself that badly.

This week is again, a busy one! I don't know how I would be functioning if I was still drinking. I am juggling some major projects. It feels good to finally be someone who is almost on on top of their game. It will only get better as time goes on. I am clearly functioning now, not just getting by as a "functioning alcoholic", and I use that term lightly, because I was barely functioning 6 months ago.

I should have quit years ago!
But, I won't beat myself up anymore.
I made a promise to myself not to feel guilt, and that means I need to make decisions that won't have guilt as an outcome.

I am so glad that is group is going strong, even if it means the select handful that is left. I sent a PM to zab as well, he is developing his low alcohol craft beer and seems to be quite happy with that path. I surely hope he doesn't loose his focus on staying sober in the long run. To me, that would be impossible. I used to make my own wine and it would be darn near impossible not to get buzzed during the taste testing time, or the bottling time. My wine never really got to sit and age to fruition before it was all gone.
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Old 11-03-2015, 06:20 PM
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Watching all this makes me think maybe I'm not strict enough. Maybe too much "awe...its ok. You're heart is in the right place."

Can't have just one. It's funny. Because I know without a doubt that is true with cigs. Lesson for me is to appreciate the same philosophy. I know when I smoked 1 cig after a year off, I didn't run and go by a pack. In fact I didn't even like that one cig. Thought it tasted like crap. Didn't give me any enjoyment at all...made me feel like arse. But know what? I smoked again later. Obviously for not the taste or how it made me feel. It was for the experience. Just hanging out with somebody. No alcohol involved either.

So here I am...smoking full time. Now I "enjoy" smoking only because it takes away the wd's. Now it tastes good because it makes me feel better. I feel feel because I was starting to feel withdrawal. Around and around I go. All over again.

Can't have just one.
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Old 11-04-2015, 08:16 AM
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So I talked to my insurance people that I'll be stepping away. They supply me with leads every week that I buy. I had to "buy" leads for a few weeks before I got any, so I have a surplus to work through. About 130.

I got a job offer for a discount retail chain. I'll be starting as an hourly asst mgr then get a store in Feb to replace a retiring managed. It's a huge step down from what I had, but it's a job. And it's A LOT more than what I'm making now, so that's cool. Then again, delivering pizza would be A LOT MORE than what in making now.

I'm excited. Even though this retailer is known to driving their managers into the ground. Even though they are listed on the worst 10 companies to work for (that's company, not retailer). It's going to be a pay check I can rely on.

There's two angles I'm looking forward to. One that I may become a District Manager for them. There's no doubt I'm going to rock their world. I am just that good at what I do. The other, and worst case scenario, is that I'll have recruiters hunting me down (I assume) or I'll have a platform which I can spring off down the road.

Either way...it's a relief. I have a job. Well...not exactly yet. Few steps to go. But I was recruited by one of the District Manager's I know. He's setting me up with an interview with a Store Manager. I'll have to polish my store for leaving my past job. Somehow soften the fact that I lied on multiple occasions to look better on reporting because I got lazy. They're desperate and looking at the managers they have now, I'll be in the top 1%.
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Old 11-04-2015, 10:11 AM
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Inc, congratulations on the job!! That is wonderful news. You've worked very hard over the last seven months and I'm so happy that it's paying off

As for me, no good news here. I've really struggled the last week. Drank three times including last night. I keep a log of days that I drink (I started it about a year and a half ago) and I realized that the last month and a half is almost on par with where I was last spring. I've spiraled that far down. The AV has tightened it grip on me again.

I've been rereading journal entries from April and May, and I'm trying to channel the motivation I had then to take control. I've done it before and I know I can do it again. I turn 30 in January and I want to leave alcohol in my 20's.

Feeling upset and ashamed and overwhelmed. Recovery needs to be my number one priority. Today, I will not drink.

Thank you all for being here. I know I can't do this on my own.
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Old 11-04-2015, 10:34 AM
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Inc, that is fantastic news! Good luck, with your positive attitude, you will get to the top in no time. Don't sell yourself short, you have some catching up to do, but you will rock their world!

Today is just a regular day in gloomy- ville. I can't remember the last time the sun poked through the clouds and fog. I have my music blasting to lift up my spirit. I am expecting some visitors tonight, and I am so excited. My two favorite aunties are coming to surprise my dad at his book launch tomorrow. Did I mention my dad can now add published author to his long list of accomplishments? I wrote in my "Back to where I was" thread in newcomers way back in April that, unbeknownst to him, he is one of the reasons why I quit drinking. About a year and a half ago, he received the news that devastated our family, he was diagnosed with an incurable respiratory disease. So, what did he do, he wrote his memoir. It's almost surreal that his launch and book signing is tomorrow!
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Old 11-04-2015, 12:45 PM
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Hi all,
Kim, I think you have great strength to want to kick alcohol now. I know that at your age I could not (and did not) have made any effort, and I really applaud your commitment. You obviously realise this is only going one way. Kudos to you.

Inc, I am so very pleased about your job situation. I am sure you'll be killing it very soon and your stores will be great places to work even if your company is not. Keep on trucking! But before you start your new job your next job should be to quit the cigs. They're killing you man.

Been busting a gut this week but very successfully - some good new leads. Last night I am with a bunch of people I don't know very well, sitting around a table in a very nice pre-dinner bar - everyone orders like a Manhattan or whatever and I get a club soda. Why, I get asked? Because I just don't fancy having alcohol I say. Which actually is true, quite aside from the obvious reason I am not going to drink. Looks of confusion etc but the conversation quickly moved on and I notice there's another guy who is also not drinking. It makes me wonder whether he is in the same boat. Anyway, I am telling you this because this is precisely the sort of situation I would have fretted about when I stopped drinking but now it's like whatever, this is who I am. Part of me did want to be able to join in, but that was only to be part of the group, in the way that if everyone was eating peanuts I would too. Anyway, that's not an option so that's that. That's why I was thinking about NA beer, just to blend in. And actually in a group situation it is much easier than in the one on ones that I also have to do. One on one, when you don't drink you are holding a mirror to someone, and some don't like it. I wouldn't have, that's for sure.

2 more days doing this sh/t then I'm headed home. Can't wait! Things are looking good

None for me today. Why poison myself?

Best wishes
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Old 11-04-2015, 12:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Cauliflower View Post
Inc, that is fantastic news! Good luck, with your positive attitude, you will get to the top in no time. Don't sell yourself short, you have some catching up to do, but you will rock their world!

Today is just a regular day in gloomy- ville. I can't remember the last time the sun poked through the clouds and fog. I have my music blasting to lift up my spirit. I am expecting some visitors tonight, and I am so excited. My two favorite aunties are coming to surprise my dad at his book launch tomorrow. Did I mention my dad can now add published author to his long list of accomplishments? I wrote in my "Back to where I was" thread in newcomers way back in April that, unbeknownst to him, he is one of the reasons why I quit drinking. About a year and a half ago, he received the news that devastated our family, he was diagnosed with an incurable respiratory disease. So, what did he do, he wrote his memoir. It's almost surreal that his launch and book signing is tomorrow!
That is a very uplifting story Cauliflower.
Thanks very much for sharing
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Old 11-04-2015, 01:55 PM
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Really happy about the job Inc! You have so much drive at the moment that you're bound to knock them dead!

Enjoy the book launch, Cauliflower! Sounds like a beautiful occasion!

OMD! Well done for sticking with the program! Looks like you're more and more comfortable in your sober skin!

Rooting for you Swim! One step at a time! You know it!!!
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Old 11-04-2015, 06:10 PM
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Great news on the job front, Inc! A steady paycheck is a wonderful thing and relieves you of one of life's biggest stressors.

Cauli, have a good time at the book launch. Sounds like a pretty cool event and a lifetime dream for your Dad.

Omd, it is funny how alcohol is interwoven so thoroughly in the business fabric. A lot of them are out on the company dime and figure, why not? I always dreaded the meetings the following morning after drinking the previous night.

Sorry to hear of your struggles, Swim. I like the resolve. You really have your whole life ahead of you, if you can get on the right path again. I wish I had done this decades ago.
Glad you are working things through, Amp. You are correct-only an alcoholic can understand an alcoholic.
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Old 11-04-2015, 06:46 PM
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Congrats Inc

Kim, what do you think you need to do to stop drinking?

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