tokidoki

Hi All,

I hope you are enjoying/have enjoyed your weekend.

Key- So happy you're back with us and hope you continue to climb out of your depression.

Holds- Well done on the work problem!

Shabby- No "bad smell" presence from you. How about "wonderful light"?

fantail- Good for you! Being straightforward and honest. Now that's a novel thought... Hope you feel more energetic soon.

letitgo- I hope you can get back home and get some rest soon. You certainly deserve it.

Upwards- I just saw your thread on the other forum. Awesome!

tokidoki

So I got back from the conference last night. Must say, I'm still shaky, but didn't have anything to drink. I *did* have a plan in place, but obviously didn't think of every contingency.

The closest I came to drinking was Thursday pm when arriving at the hotel. Front Desk Person was very friendly and said, "Oh, you're by yourself? You're just in time! The free wine starts soon.." etc. etc, I didn't hear anything after 'free wine' because the ridiculous little AV woke up and started pestering me.

I go to my room and start actually engaging with the AV which says "No one will know. You'll feel better. You can go back online and fess up later. Or better yet, just disappear from SR" - (my MO before) Anyway, the better part of my brain took over then and I thought "Wait a minute- letitgo has dealt with 'Manager's Specials' before. You can do it Toki" Then I realized I hadn't eaten anything but cottage cheese that day and I was terribly hungry. After dinner all was fine.

I did have to dodge a few bullets later (eg. met a few friends from my last college-teaching gig and was tempted), but my alternative plans worked in the end.

Here I am back at home and back in first gear. I'm thinking that in a few days I will be able to see this as an experience that "built up my sober muscles" or some other excellent, and always true, Dee-ism.

In the meantime, it's one day at a time.

Take care, everyone.

letitgo

Great job Tokidoki! ! Be proud its tough when you know deep down your av wanted you to cave but you held strong. No guilt. Glad you got home safely!!

Dee is the man

Upwardspiral

Toki you're awesome. Sober muscles are real...Don't be ashamed to flex

Dee74

great stuff Toki

D

Tooshabby

Fantastic toki! So hard to resist that AV once it kicks in like that - well done :-) You guys who have racked up several months.....hats off, man. Amazing! Glad to be keeping such good company :-)

How are you going, keyofC?

fantail

So proud of you, toki! That's the kind of situation that I always relapse in... as if no one knowing is the issue rather than the whole physical & emotional dependency thing. It's very persuasive logic at the time. Nice job.

Upwards, that's an interesting point about the grocery store. I guess there's some level of me that still has it ingrained that my addiction is my failing/weakness and therefore no need for society to act any differently. I just looked it up though and the official number is 7% of the adult population in the US. That's significant! That's close to the guesstimated number for LGBT people. We're a legit population segment. I hadn't thought about it, but yeah, it's nuts that there isn't more legislation around this, similar to cigarettes...

Speaking of population segment. At one of my jobs I work with an active alcoholic. Red face, always a little bit confused, seems like he's manageable-maintain-level-drunk at work, the kind you wouldn't notice if you hadn't been there. Spends a lot of time taking "coffee breaks".

I don't have much to say about it other than that it's hard. I have compassion towards him and also disgust. Has nothing to do with him, it's just me looking in a mirror of how I was. I don't like the way it makes me feel and I worry that I'm rude to him by accident sometimes.

Bellamiaa

Key- I am my own worst enemy too. So glad you're feeling better <3

Toki- amazing job dodging those bullets!!

Letitgo- I have a lizard brain too lol! Stress is horrible. I had no idea until July lol

Upward- I know right?!! I was in the gas station yesterday staring at these pretty little evil blue wine cooler things. Ugh!!

Today was a lazy/cleaning day. Sunday's are the worst days because of the boredom but I got over it and cooked dinner. Now I'm in bed early reading here. Hope everyone has a great Monday!

Holds1325

Hello all

-KeyofC - I have alot of issues with being detached from reality. I have a post on SR about moderating my alcohol intake that could be taken as a prime example. I also have dealt with living with alot of regret and dreadful thinking. Like my whole world is ending. I usually do well by living in the day and centering myself on now and reassuring myself usually only once and moving forward. Its not easy though. It is easier than it was a few months ago but its still difficult nonetheless. So how are you doing now?

Tooshabs - I've wandered into playing with fire by thinking that 1-2 drinks will be just fine and I'll be OK. I haven't tried it though and to be honest I'm scared either way. I feel like I've hit a wall (again) and am trying hard to get over these thoughts. I realize I'm playing with fire but I cannot understand why I keep these thoughts in. How are you doing lately? Are you finding it easier to get over the thoughts of wanting to drink?

letitgo - I understand the stress from the traffic and definitely the heat, it gets to me, especially when my brain remembers how cold the alcohol is and the relief I get from it. I still think that you are definitely stronger than I am, I can't imagine what would have happened had I been given the opportunity to drink. Of course I try to keep my self out of those situations and given the fact that I live in a small town, the opportunities dont happen or havent happened so far. I still could see that living in a big city (which almost happened this year) or even spending enough time there could lead to relapse for me. I remember hearing from a few old recovering alcoholics saying, this is a great place (where I live) to sober up and also retire etc.

Upwards - I do believe in the "out of sight out of mind" idea when it comes to alcohol. Fortunately none of the stores I go to have alcohol sitting at the front registers, however I could definitely tell you where they all are in each and every store even if I've never been in it before, its some sort of weird alcoholic instinct I've developed. Its difficult but my mind just finds it. Glad you got over that.

Toki - Congrats on conquering that, it mustve been difficult. I myself have thought to drink perhaps and if I do drink, not to come back to SR, its then that I make the effort to post because I know I will get support quickly. However, wine, and it was free?! Not sure how I would have come outta that one, although not a huge fan of wine, the alcohol part does get to me though.

fantail - I see people I work with like this all the time. They don't work in my department but I can tell by looking at them. As an alcoholic you can easily see all the aspects, red faced, bags under eyes, drooping cheekbones etc. Not to mention their addictive mannerisms. It bothered me alot when I'd see them like why can they do that and I can't almost. Now I sort of feel compassion for them. However, I do find it difficult to even have respect because I had zero self-respect when I was drinking constantly, do you ever feel that way?

Bellamia - How are you doing now?

Well hi to others I might have missed and hope to hear from you.

Today is still a rough day, I might have come up with the fix for the problem but implementing it is still taking time and can be stressful. Mostly running numbers and the wait for the numbers to come back seems like forever. Oh well nothing to do but stay sober this week.

I really wanted to drink yesterday just because. See thats the problem with me most days, I do get the occassional anxiety-driven craving however, On those days when I'm doing fine, im OK everything is OK my mind goes to, hey how about lets make things better with a drink! I work hard on overcoming that. It doesn't feel like im drinking to mask anything but I feel like its difficult to say NO. I have though so far, and I'm still fighting it.

My wife said its not a good idea, but said that if I wanted to this weekend I could have a few. I kept thinking it would be okay, but it just doesn't feel right.

I think I'm coming up on 4 months this week, and I only hope I can make it.

KeyofC

Hey guys! I'm doing better. Each day gets better. I'm taking better care if my self and that helps me. I'm discovering things about myself that I've kept hidden for quite a while besides depression and anxiety. I'm very codependent which is a learned behavior. So very bad for me. It makes me appear to be so weak and unable to make decisions on my own. I'm a jealous person of certain people and their relationships. I think maybe the lack of my own family relationships has caused this problem. Both of which I am capable of turning around but what has been controlling me terribly. I like the me I was around the 90 day mark. I want to get back to being her! I'll get there. I was told some if this journey wouldn't be all sunshine and rainbows but STILL it's so much better than being a drunk! Thank you for asking about me, I do appreciate it!
You all help me so much sharing your own personal experiences too. I'm so glad to have you ((Hug))!!

Upwardspiral

Key, and all of y'all that have been struggling, all I can say is hang tight!

In a meeting the other night this guy remarked how he'd do whatever he could to change how he felt when he was down or angry. Even if no substances were available and he had to use self delusion to bury his negative feelings.

I think about how often I do that now, how with nowhere to go with my sh#tty feelings I'll just mentally punish myself for feeling them, focus on figuring out who else is at fault, or escape into a fantasy about a time and place when that situation causing my feelings won't exist.

This guy said he found freedom in letting himself feel the sh#ttyness without trying to change it or project it on anyone or blame anything.

This morning I felt your typical rainy Monday dread and misery as I forced myself toward work. I was questioning the worthwhile-ness of my vocation, my skill, my likeableness, etc. I started trying to think about going back to school, changing jobs, running away... then I realized how much more miserable these escapist thoughts were making me. And for once I just dropped them. I sat on the floor for a few minutes and just let myself feel the dread of going into work. Then I got up, put on my rain clothes, got on my bike, and rode to work. And the rest of the day was fine. Not great, not crappy, just fine.

KeyofC

Oh I'm hanging in..there's no other choice cause giving in is NOT an option! Thanks! Like your post too Up!

letitgo

Had a bad moment of self pity and loathing yesterday. Everyday feels like groundhog day. I feel pointless like i am spinning my wheels and going nowhere in life. I am sure this rigorous work schedule has a lot to do with it.

Anyway i talked to my wife and she was upset because i was upset. I was blind and not being grateful. My pity party was about wanting more and being self centered. Life isnt fair. I had to.bang my spoon like a 2 year old.
So I went to a meeting. The speaker said he had many of the same feelings. I really related. He said he still struggles with this at times. His remedy is talking to people and laughing. H e wss grateful to be alive everyday.

I spoke with a few people and they took my mind off things. Had a chuckle and i felt much better last night.

The speaker also mentioned some days he can just try not to make things worse
Thats the best he can do. That's ok. I really could relate.
So i have been struggling with not smoking lately. I havent smoked but my mind says just do it and have a drink it wont hurt anything.

Its just part of being an addict to have these days. I notice i have feelings of depression, hopelessness and anxiety early in the week when my stress is really high.

The excuse to use is people dont understand but in aa they do understand. They talked about insanity of drinking and how much worse things would be drinking again. So at the end of the day i felt better and hopeful.
I am going to talk to my doctor about my meds. Maybe something can help more medication is not a total solution but it helps.
Look foward to getting some rest in this weekend.
I cant control my feelings but I can control my choice to drink or not.

I know life is tough but i feel fellowship by sharing your triumphs and struggles. Serenity to us all i hope you all have a great week.

KeyofC

Thank you Let for sharing

Holds1325

Hey guys,

Screwed up last night and had a drink. I don't know, I was trying so hard to keep myself from it. I even thought that if I post that I'm not going to or whatever that it'll keep me from it. I tried alot of things but in the end I just took the drink and drank it hoping for some type of relief.

It didn't do anything really, to put it in different terms it basically felt like nothing. Didn't do a thing so I stopped.

I started getting really scared, depressed, anxious and feeling really angry at myself etc. However, I just though to myself, hmmm am I going to put myself in the pit or just shake this off and keep going?

I then made the decision to just not think about it and quit. All the emotional crap just left immediately although it tried to come back several times.

I'm only grateful that I didn't continue otherwise that emotional stuff might have started.

I don't even know how many days I had, I know it was close to 4 months.

My tooth really aches today and has been for the past week. I had it worked on a few months before I quit in july and it was fine but now it flares up here and there.

I got a sick son at my house now which I'm taking to a drs appt today, poor guy might have an infection and that has really got me on edge.

Not to mention its the holidays, my health anxiety is still bothering me and work is still a drag.

It sort of all came down at once and I ignored it all thinking it wouldn't get to me, and it did.

Well, I dont know do I go in the Nov thread or something, back to day 1 though I hate counting days.

KeyofC

No ((Holds))...you don't have to move or go anywhere. You can stay here with us..but it may help if you get involved into the November class.. I'll tell you like I tell so many, I am involved in the new classes, old classes, and odd classes. the more active I am reading and commenting when I can the better I am for myself and everyone around. It sure makes me conscious of how important my sobriety is to me.
"When you want sobriety as much as you want the air you breathe, then you will stay clean." ~Backfromtheledge
Brush off and get a "badder" plan...

Upwardspiral

Stick around Holds, even if you start posting on November too!

I commend you for stopping yourself and telling is about exactly where you're at. None of us are doing this perfectly.

tokidoki

Hi All,

Thanks for the congrats. I knew you would understand that my bout with the AV was a Big Deal... And fantail, you're right, the AV is always a stupid little putz, so the point that 'no one will know' seemed more important than other considerations.

Bellamiaa- Nice to see you posting again. I hope you are well.

KeyofC- Sounding like your old self again.

KeyofC

Heya Toki! (Hug)! Thanks and always love reading your posts!

tokidoki

(cont.)

Upwards- I read a book about anxiety that addressed acknowledging feelings. The idea was that if you allow yourself to actually 'feel' certain emotions, you can more easily let them go...

Holds- What can I say? Glad you're back and posted with us. Steady now, keep with us, and as other Julyers wrote, also join the November if you want.

letitgo- I'm so glad you get such great support from your AA meetings. Did I tell you that you're a real inspiration to me? The first thing I thought when that AV popped up really was"Letitgo did it. You can too." I hope you don't mind if I say that I'm a little worried about how stressful your work is...

Shabby- How're you doing?

Take care, everyone.