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One Year and Under Club Part 49

Old 10-14-2015, 05:41 AM
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Good for you Amp! I work hard at changing my negitive thinking as well. So used to just being pissy all the time. That kept me in the same class as my AV and I'm done with that.

Got something I want to share. I shared this in August and Dee gave awesome advice but y'all may need this too. I may need to read your input as well. My HP is doing work on me already this morning. I've had a couple of big revelations sitting here reading, drinking my coffee, chatting with the HP. Here's one big thought:

Toxic people-almost enough said. Why do I keep throwing myself back in front of the buses these people drive? Whyyyy? I know I'm just going to get hurt because they simply don't care. They've shown me over and over that having a relationship with them is one sided (my side) and I'll try and try and they won't give anything back. I try so hard to be cordial and walk away but I end up blaming myself as to why we don't have a relationship. Is it my fault? Or am I taking it personally yet again? They are both of my sister in laws. I can't figure out if they think they know the trouble my husband and I went through and they're mad over that (that was over a year ago) or if they're pissed off about my alcoholism or pissed off that my husband and I are stronger than ever before and just won't give up on each other no matter what! Am I "worrying over what they think of me"? Should I try even harder to play nice but know when to not go into the sandbox? It drives me crazy but if I truly need to wash my hands of this mess for my own sanity, I will, my sobriety, peace, and happiness are my top priority! Opinions welcomed!
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Old 10-14-2015, 05:52 AM
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Amp - Changing your inner monologue sounds like a significant step forward. I've found the key to sobriety for me lies in recognizing my toxic patterns, then taking steps to change them.

That second part, actually taking action, is hard for me! I tend to wait for good things to happen. Finally one day someone told me that change won't happen simply by wishing for it.

He was right. I needed to take action. Problem was, in all my life I never had any framework for taking action in a positive direction, one where I'd be patient and kind to myself and to others. That's where AA has been beneficial for me.

I'm working on my 4th step right now, taking an inventory of my positive and negative traits. It's really interesting to do this with the kind of self compassion that Amp found on his drive to work today -- rather than with that driven, type A, perfectionistic, all or nothing voice. Well I'm working on changing the voice, anyway. Like most areas of my life, it's a work in progress! Amp, do share your tips with us!
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Old 10-14-2015, 06:15 AM
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Some great sober processing and growing happening here!

Amp, I agree that is very significant - I think we get so down on ourselves when we are active alcoholics that we tend to keep kicking ourselves even when sober. We are worthwhile people. One thing I have noticed is that I have gradually become kinder to myself with age. Being sober has accelerated the process.

Key, I think you are discovering a truth that many of us struggle with. I have always been strongly affected by how others treat me. I'm finally learning to ease up on myself a bit and as a result I'm more relaxed around others and find I get along better with some people. And that's good. I can't control others' opinions of me and don't want to spend my life being someone I'm not in an attempt to placate people. I try to be kind and get along but there will always be people who don't like me. That's life. Ultimately, I have to live with myself. When we are sober, we're not massively escaping!
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Old 10-14-2015, 07:59 AM
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Originally Posted by amp123 View Post
Until I treat myself with some respect I can't expect that from anyone else!!

Not sure but this feels significant...

Take care all!
Well said amp! I think we all beat ourselves down to some degree more than we need to. I definitely need to work at taking care of myself better too.

Yes key, you can't control what others think of you. The best thing you stated is that you and your souse are stronger than ever! Keep up the confidence in yourself and your relationship and either they will come around or they won't. That is something they will have to figure out.
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Old 10-14-2015, 08:04 AM
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Toots if the lobster are big enough you can keep them to cook. One of mine was but I suck at cooking so I threw it back.

More wompland drama for me. I found out while having my day off yesterday that a co worker lied about info she got saying it was received by me. Something regarding pay which I have never talked about with anyone except the boss. It hurt my feelings and am frustrated bc I know I did not do such a thing but can't make someone believe me over her. I dealt with a similar situation a few years ago where a co worker was out to try and get me fired due to jealousy and now it seems to be happening again. My first instinct is to drink over it but I didn't last night.
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Old 10-14-2015, 08:33 AM
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BF, I've had some similar experiences and felt a great deal of frustration over them. I consider myself to be a very honest person (except when I was drinking!). I, too, wanted to drink to blot out the frustration that I couldn't get someone to believe me and the hurt that people would believe that of me. Mostly I've learned to keep my head up, try to feel as if what matters is what I know to be true and then wait for things to quiet down. I have no idea if that's a good approach or not. I'd love to find better ways to deal with that. (((Hugs)))!
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Old 10-14-2015, 08:56 AM
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Greets Undies! Went to an AA meeting yesterday to support my friend Kevin's 90 days. Several other friends and his sister were there to cheer him on as well. So wonderful to see someone you have known for a long time change his life. His perseverance and honesty are inspiring. He has been very open about his struggle, his rehab and his commitment to AA. We celebrated with pizza (it was a noon meeting) and a cake. I passed on the cake
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Old 10-14-2015, 01:42 PM
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Originally Posted by BoozeFree View Post

More wompland drama for me. I found out while having my day off yesterday that a co worker lied about info she got saying it was received by me. Something regarding pay which I have never talked about with anyone except the boss. It hurt my feelings and am frustrated bc I know I did not do such a thing but can't make someone believe me over her. I dealt with a similar situation a few years ago where a co worker was out to try and get me fired due to jealousy and now it seems to be happening again. My first instinct is to drink over it but I didn't last night.
Glad you didn't drink BF. I had a bad day at the office today and grabbing the bottle would have been all too easy. I guess this is something we have to fight forever. Some days more and some days less but always aware. Good for you for sticking at it!

The situation sounds really difficult. Just stay honest and true to yourself. That will normally stand you in good stead in the long run.
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Old 10-14-2015, 06:04 PM
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Koc - We cross posted this morning. You can drive yourself crazy figuring out why other people behave the way they do. No matter how long the inequity existed in your relationship with your sister in laws, if it's not acceptable to you anymore, you can create a boundary.

I really like to be around people. It's not my job to make other people comfortable with my decisions, my choices, or any area of my life. It's my job to be authentically me and be comfortable with who I am. This is important because like Sask said, I can't escape with booze. Plus it allows the right relationships to blossom.

BoozeFree - I think not drinking was the right choice! Drinking won't take away your coworker's lie, or increase your credibility. However it probably will make you feel sick, make it hard for you to concentrate, and totally demoralize you. Can you schedule a meeting with your supervisor to discuss the situation?

Amp - I'm glad you didn't drink over your stress. I think that escape was a way of life for alcoholics for so long that the idea doesn't go away quickly. I tell myself that I don't have to react that way anymore, though. I can choose the right response, the sober response, over and over.

WWS - Great to see you continuing to walk the sober path. As a driven, type A person, I can be hard on myself too. It helps me to have a group of sober people to talk to, who are working on self improvement. I'd naturally be gentle with them. And them with me. Eventually when I was struggling I was able to guess what they would tell me, and eventually I became able to tell myself those things - and believe it.

Saskia - I always appreciate your insight so much.

Drake - How great that you are able to celebrate Kevin's sobriety with him. Good job passing on the cake!

Speaking of cake, I made one for my cubicle neighbor at work whose promotion we are celebrating that I saw on FB -- cookie dough pressed into a pan, topped with Oreos, topped with brownie mix, baked at 350 for 30 minutes. It's rare that I bake for people; I hope everyone likes it!
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Old 10-14-2015, 11:14 PM
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Thanks for the support sas, amp and GF.

GF I'm one of the managers. I did speak to the other manager this morning about it and it's a long story but I think the situation has been handled for now.

Glad womp is over today. I ended up buying a bottle on my lunch and my friend that I work with thought I was acting different and called me out on it and talked with me about it. When I got home I found myself staring at the bottle for some time and couldn't shake my friends voice out of my head so I dumped it out.

I know I need to start really doing something different if I want long term sobriety and should be going to meetings and have a sponsor ect. I just am still having trouble getting over my fear and shyness.

After also finding out the person who's shift I covered Monday due to claiming she was sick was a lie when I saw on a social media site her writing about being hungover. That situation is not helping at all with my lack of trusting people. I could really use a little break from womp but right now it is not possible. I have requested a few days off in the beginning of Nov tho to give myself a 4 day weekend which will be nice.
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Old 10-14-2015, 11:15 PM
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GF that cake sounds yummy! Send some my way!
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Old 10-14-2015, 11:24 PM
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BF: I don't envy you your work environment. I know times are tough but perhaps it's a good moment to dust off the CV and have a quiet look around?
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Old 10-14-2015, 11:56 PM
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BF just keep in mind that drinking makes nothing better. And remember that girl from years ago? Who had the last laugh??! You have since been promoted!
As for the girls who work for you, I feel perhaps you need to work on your people management skills, Google advice or download some books, but realise that confrontation, done in a positive way can be healthy. I would speak to both girls one to one. For the one who called in a sickie, I would remind her that she is a part of a team and she let that team down by drinking on a work night. Also let her know that it makes it harder for you to believe she is genuinely ill in future.

The other girl, I would just ask her exactly how she believed I told her about the wage issue, as I remember no such conversation and want it clarified. She would struggle to lie to your face and it would let her know that she cannot get away with lying. Remember, you are in a position of authority now, and I feel you need to practice that. I am so proud of you for ditching the drink, it took real guts to do that.


Amp, it is a huge thing. My early signature was "how can we expect others to love us when we don't love ourselves" I also think it is a great exercise to practise positivity for a day; every time you find yourself thinking or saying anything negative about anyone or anything, stop. It can be surprising how easily we can fall into negativity.

Key I too have a SIL who caused me grief. Fortunately for me hubby already kept his distance as he knew her for what she was. ( I gave her the benefit of the doubt). Now when we need to meet, I slap a shallow smile on, keep things superficial and walk away. We used to make excuses not to get together with her, now she has got the message.
Remember that their behaviour reflects there issues. I feel that this instance it perhaps impinges on your own feelings of guilt over your past behaviour. I feel you need to fully forgive yourself - as hubby has, and allow yourself to move forward. The freer you are of guilt the less the 'ugly sisters' can affect you.

Drake thank you so much for the update about Kevin, I am so happy he is doing well.

Keep on Keeping on Undies.
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Old 10-15-2015, 02:49 AM
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Toots, thanks! Whenever you share your thoughts with anyone, I usually take away some pearls for myself, too :-)
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Old 10-15-2015, 03:05 AM
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Saskia, Wayward, Glee, Toots (hug) thank you for your thoughts. I do think it's about me completely forgiving myself and moving in. I thought I had done that but it needs a little more attention. I'm going to have to move on from it. I don't like confrontation either as Dee said and I don't like dwelling where bad things exist.
Catch up more when I get to work! Good morning BF,Amp, Drake, and anyone I may be missing! (Hug)!
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Old 10-15-2015, 05:18 AM
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Good morning everyone. I have today and tomorrow off so these are the days I have to be careful. So far so good though. Right now I'm taking a one day at a time approach to things. Last night me and my wife went to the Waco fair and had a lot of fun. We easily resisted the beer stands and the Texas craft wine and beer exhibit that we usually hit. We caught the mutton busting which is always cute as well as the rodeo and part of the Bellamy brothers show. It was a good day!

Thanks everyone for all of your support!
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Old 10-15-2015, 07:50 AM
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Wayward the fair sounds fun. Glad you had a good time! Enjoy your time away from womp.

Thanks undies for letting me vent about womp here. It's been a crazy last 6 or so weeks in wompland. I truly do love my job tho and where I work. I just hav to remember this current drama is temporary.

Off to wompland
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Old 10-15-2015, 10:25 AM
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BF, sounds like you have some good perspective on wompland.
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Old 10-15-2015, 02:26 PM
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Hello everyone,

Just checking in sober on a Thursday night. Entire family are asleep, crescent moon has set and the sky is full of stars. Wonderful.

am - thank you for the " that's who I USED to be " alternative thought.

We are good for so much more than our inner critics would have us believe.

Two updates - I did get to see my ( big drinking ) long lost buddy and his friends after all by making the effort to grab a coffee before breakfast ahead of them leaving for the airport on Monday. This meant getting up at 4am to work then driving 40km to meet him. He was incredibly hungover and stinking of alcohol. We had coffee then his buddies turned up and ordered two bottles of champagne to go with our orange juices. I'm glad I made the effort to see him, but a hundred times more grateful that I was wise enough to stay away from both Saturday Nd Sunday nights booze-fests.



On Tuesdsy I went to AA again ( 2nd ever meeting ). There was some trepidation but nothing like the stomach churning nervousness of last week. There were twice as many people there ( about 20 ) and I felt very welcome and supported. I can immediately see that AA is going to be essential to get me through these next few months at least. As I write this now, I am not really bothered by the prospect of going ( ' having to go ' as my AV may put it ) every week forever.

It sounds as everything is just fine and dandy, but it's not. I feel very empty and raw after the realisation that I was deluding myself about my ability to cope with imminent triggers without extra support - also the challenge presented by gambling my sobriety on complying with a friends insistent party invites - and finally a feeling of grief and remorse for another thirty year friendship that lies in tatters - my ever present, always there for me, bestest best mate, booze.

Belated welcome to Bix, BFairy hope your AA was helpful too, well done again WWS and wishing you strength BFree ( I used to manage 100 staff, now have only myself to argue with, being a 'self emwomped freewomper' - I honestly can't say which I prefer )

Saskia, Toots, Gleefan, Gilmer - I, too, gain so much from your posts
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Old 10-15-2015, 02:46 PM
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Key - you are in control now. And booze won't be there as a false friend. I think you will deal wit these people just fine. Don't overthink it before it happens.

Maybe move up to C sharp and confuse everyone
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