Juno11

Hey all - just checking in. I'm good tonight. Made a pasta dinner for me and the kids. Would love to crash early with Netflix in bed, but my daughter has Homecoming Dance coming up and we need to go shoe shopping. That's fine - I can crash afterward! As long as I'm going to bed sober, it doesn't matter

forabetterlife

5 days seems to be my magic number to get fed up with drinking these days. I guess it's better than months, but I'm really feeling sick of the back and forth. When I relapse, I always tell myself it will just be one day and it never is. Once it's in me, that's it.
I won't be proud of myself until I knock this off for good.

Dee74

Congrats to everyone who's hitting a milestone today,. no matter what it is

I wish everyone a happy and sober weekend

special shout out for you 3 wolves - I hope everything goes well.

D

matilda123

3wolves, my thoughts are with you and your family.

Just had a little encounter with my neighbor--actually not even my neighbor, but her daughter, who doesn't even live next door. We've had people traipsing in and out today (contractors) and the dogs, naturally, have been barking, although they settle down once folks come in through the door. At one point, she shouts from the backyard, "the kids are sleeping--can you stop your dogs from barking." Ugh. I know that it is annoying when they bark, but that is what dogs do, unfortunately, when strangers come to the house. (Can't imagine her shouting is helping her niece and nephew either). Anyway, just a small annoyance, but she and her mom remind me so much of my mom. I just didn't engage, explained what was happening, and said thanks for letting me know. Still, feel all icky inside, which again, has nothing to do with her, but more with my mom. Long story better to not get into, but I'm just saying it here to you, my friends, because I feel sad

3wolves

Matilda, I understand the Mother factor. Mine lives 30 miles away, and I've not seen her since 1982. Too much harm and drama attached to that relationship. It is TOXIC. Giving birth to me does not give her the right to destroy me. I am good with that choice. I felt guilty for awhile, like I didn't try hard enough. But out of nine children, 1 speaks to her. Validation.

matilda123

Thank you for your note 3wolves. I have been thinking about why I have been so sad and shaken. I think it is that this person reminds me so much of my mother. She is someone for whom the glass is always have empty, and I spent so much of my childhood trying to make her happy, to no avail. It is so silly--I'm crying as I type this. Why?

matilda123

ps: 3wolves, I'm sorry about your mother. that must be hard.

ast1

Sorry to hear this 3wolves. My prayers are with you and your family.

forabetterlife

3wolves- boy you have a lot on your plate.
I give you so much credit, you must be very strong. And obviously a good, caring person.

Secretdrinker

Matilda, 3Wolves, big hugs

3wolves

We cry because it would crush us if we thought we hurt people on a regular basis. A mother should be a warm loving human. We can't imagine doing to others what's been done to us. We look at our children, with all we go thru and know what we need to be. One of my favorite authors, to paraphrase roughly says " as adults we create what we craved as children". To be warm, safe, loved and treasured. I didn't always like what my girls did, but I was never verbally, physically, or emotionally cruel. I am sure as you look at your loveys, there are things that flash thru your mind...moments they'll never know. I protected my children from her, just as diligently as I wished someone had done for me.
Her legacy doesn't have to be yours. Give your kids the mom you wish you had. Bless you child.

Secretdrinker

Spot on.

My mother is one of the reasons I moved half way across the world. She was never a good mother, she was emotionally unavailable, weak spirited from my dad beating her, she'd score brownie points with him by telling him lies about us kids so he'd beat us instead of her, she stopped feeding us, we bathed ourselves from a very early age. Nobody ever asked me how I was. No one cared if I became ill. I was invisible. We fended for ourselves. BUT, I truly believe she was doing her best being the mother of 5 kids and an alcoholic wife of an abusive husband.

I look at my kids now and although I know I haven't been the best mum I can be because of my drinking problem, my children are loved, they are protected and cared for and fed and bathed and given everything I never was as a child.Hours upon hours of discussions are had between the ex and I regarding how we feel they are getting on, if they are happy etc.

I speak to my mother on the phone sometimes and she plays the victim as usual so she has yet another excuse to drink, always says what a terrible mother she was, and I tell her....'you did me a favour, you showed me what not to do, I learnt by your mistakes as a mother and it made me determined to always make sure my children feel wanted and loved."


Makes me so determined to sort my life out now. I never want my kids to have to be looking for a site like this when they are older. I never want mine and my mothers emotional issues to filter down to them.

Secretdrinker

Sorry, that was long and mostly just a vent! Feel free to ignore

Day 20 here!!
Doing okay.....I think the cravings are slowly getting easier to ignore/manage, and the amount of times I think about my wine is getting less and less as the days go on too

matilda123

SD, I'm so sorry about your mother. What a gift that you are breaking that legacy with your children.

3wolves, your words really touched me. There was a lot of abuse in my family of a wide variety. My mother knew and did not protect us, which is part of the pain of that relationship too. As an adult, I've tried to talk to her about it and how it felt, but she isn't receptive to that conversation, so I have to let it go.

I don't have children (which is its own area of sadness; I wasn't able to carry a child) but I am ferociously protective of other children, including ones I don't know. I suppose that is my attempt to break that legacy too.

Thank you, my friends, for your kind words and for sharing your experience. It makes me feel less sad.

sobriiestote

SD - don't apologise, it sounds like you've come to an understanding about your upbringing, still maintain contact with your Mother and use your own sad childhood memories as a way of inspiring yourself to create better for your own children. That sounds pretty amazing to me : )))

I had quite a privileged upbringing although there was a lot of "social" drinking by the parents that went on until the early hours and we children were often ignored. They had a close social network of functional alcoholic drinkers but within that network there were affairs, deaths from alcohol related diseases and even suicides. Not quite normal for a 10 year old child to comprehend.

Day 26 for me today, told my doctor yesterday I have to pinch myself to believe I'm actually "doing this"!

About to smash my personal best of 30 days which I did 3 years ago...

Onwards and upwards everyone : )))

Cameron57

Checking in Day 11.

Happy weekend everyone!

Once again, will read through when the morning has settled down.

Midton

Well I'll be honest and say I'm teetering on the brink. On the positive I'm home sans alcohol and I've none in the house but my wife hasn't come home yet and is only a phone call away.

The beautiful autumnal weather and a bit of shopping maybe added to reaching 4 weeks has put me in a "celebratory" mood. I'm practically salivating here. In fact as I write I've just realised why it's so strong. I've just bought meat.

Once a month I go and buy some decent meat in a delicatessen type shop with a great selection of wine. As I pick up my meat I pick up some, nice wine different from my normal cheapo stuff. I also met a woman I vaguely know and hadn't seen in years at the till. She was buying the exact same as me except she had the addition of a bottle of white wine. I was in and out in a jiffy but my trigger has been well and truly cocked. I even said to my wife, probably throwing cushions ahead, that I'd love a glass (haha) of wine today.

As I write I feel panicky and anxious. The fact that it is highly unlikely I will phone and ask my wife to get some is not going down well my both me and my AV. Sigh. Water is so bland and colourless and dull.

I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow

Midton

Wife home. No way I'm going out to get wine. Buying on the spur of the moment I could forgive myself. But getting dressed, getting my car out of the garage, driving to the shop etc would evaporate any will power and self-esteem I have.

I can't surrender that easily.

Secretdrinker

ForeverF, thankyou. I try and stay positive.


Midton,I had a moment like that today. I panicked. I wanted it so badly. I was out shopping too so I knew I had to walk past the bottle shop to get back to the car.
So instead, I walked into the supermarket and spent $20 on a nice posh box of chocolates, a big bottle of pepsi (which I NEVER buy because of the sugar) and a DVD. I decided I was going to treat myself tonight instead, as a reward for getting out of this damned shopping center without giving in and buying wine! It gave me something else to look forward to once I got home.

So here I am, nice big glass of cold pepsi and my chocs, just about to throw my dvd on and get comfy in bed

Learn to reward yourself for not giving in to it, even if it's just something small! It seems to help me anyway lol!

Dee74

when the AV starts screaming, maybe read some of your old posts Midton - remind yourself of whats at stake.

And maybe you can do something nice for yourself this weekend?- staying sober shouldn't be an ordeal

D