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Class of September 2015 Part 3

Old 09-22-2015, 03:19 PM
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Cloel,
from somebody who has been there....
If you think about it...i mean REALLY think about it....the only true rock bottom is death. Everything else is just false floors. It just keeps getting worse and in ways you didn't even think of.

It would be 1000% better if you said with honesty that you realize you drink too much and want to be a better role model. To tell them you have quit drinking altogether and has removed alcohol from the home. That your attending group therapy meetings.

And this is true too....
The pain the alcohol is covering up was created by alcohol in the first place. Instead of crashing through false floors, wondering how bad does it need to get before a quit sticks, you could stop digging the hole.

You know it WILL get worse. Just stop digging now and you save yourself from hitting rock bottom. What ever that may actually end up being. Probably as bad as you imagine along with other issues not planned for. It will be much harder to climb out of that hole than the one you dug for yourself already.
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Old 09-22-2015, 03:50 PM
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Cloel: Dee would say that you don't have to ride the elevator all the way to the bottom. You can get off at any floor. Why don't you get off now?
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Old 09-22-2015, 04:50 PM
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Originally Posted by Cloel View Post
Thanks Frikaflip. There's a SMART recovery group that's starting nearby in October, the only problem is their groups are in the evenings and I've nobody to mind my son. I was a HCP for nearly 15 years and that put me off AA.

I think I'm only starting to feel the effects of 15 years of physical/emotional/s**ual abuse has had on me. I'm on a waiting list for trauma counselling but it's going to take at least another 9 months before that starts. For now, I feel alcohol is the only way to block it out. Even my child hugging me makes my skin crawl. Sometimes it all feels too much, you know?
I don't know what HCP is. I'm sorry it didn't work out well.

Trauma. Yeah. I know it well. I was sexually abused as a kid by one of my brothers, sexually harrassed by a man my parents let live with us. Neglected a lot as a kid because of alcoholic parents and dysfuntional family. We were the perfect family....on the outside...one layer down, a nightmare. No domestic violence in my adult life though other than an assault but that's different. I can't imagine how hard that must be for you. I was diagnosed with chronic PTSD after a suicide attempt in 2007 and that is when I really started to deal with the childhood stuff. If your traumatic past is coming back at you in flashes, nightmares, causing you to dissociate you might ask the drs about PTSD. I did a treatment called EMDR. Effective but be warned, it can make things worse before they get better. I know for me alcohol just fueled the fire of anger and resentment that burned inside me and made me act out like a crazy person at times. I can be downright dangerous. I know that meditation, deep breathing and mindfulness really help with the anxiety. Hang in there.
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Old 09-22-2015, 04:52 PM
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Originally Posted by KeyofC View Post
I sang at Renfro Valley for 6 years...Berea is a beautiful town and artsy and of course college centered/oriented!
Yeah its really cool. Isn't there a place called the Boone Tavern there? I remember having corn sticks and they were amazing! My Aunt Rosa Lee ran the antique store. Churchill Weavers....cool stuff!
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Old 09-22-2015, 04:53 PM
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Oh Jeez I hope it doesn't come to that Cloel. You son loves you and needs you! You can do this
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Old 09-22-2015, 04:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Dazee View Post
Hi there
I joined sr years ago and it helped me get sober for quite some time. I had a few slips here and there but managed to get back up. This year has been different, "slips" are longer and the sober time between them shorter (I'd say about 3 months).
I'm on day 2, better than yesterday, but this time is one too many times. Need to do something different, maybe go to AA (never thought I'd even consider it), or find a way out of this rut. I've done therapy and have a shrink (I have an anxiety disorder) and they helped, but I'm still struggling 4 years later.
I've been lurking around a few days looking for answers and I don't have it figured out but so appreciate the kindness and honesty of this forum.
Hi Dazee welcome back! Congrats on day 2...first 5 days is so hard, as you know.
So many of us have anxiety issues...I have GAD and Ptsd...not sure which is worse. And because I'm an addict I can only have meds when its confirmed I'm in full Ptsd mode...which is rare thank goodness! Alcohol truly makes these conditions infinitely worse, for me anyway.

I got sober the first time, for 9 months, in AA. I learned a ton and the fellowship was great (that was when I lived in Cali). I have tried dozens of meetings where I am and no such luck. But the program of AA, the steps, I think can help anyone who is interested in understanding their 'issues' and moving past them, even non alcoholics. You're doing great.
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Old 09-22-2015, 05:11 PM
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Day 4! Woo-Hoo! Demon tried to talk me into a cold glass of wine today. It wasn't easy but I didn't act on it. Having trouble sleeping last 2 nights. I think it's because when I go to bed I can actually think! Going for my check up tomorrow. Hope labs come back good. If they do I can already hear the demons response... "UR ok, have some wine"... He told me that the last several years. Lots of free time, getting chores done that have drown in my wine glass. (No my wine tumbler!) Rode my wonderful horse all day. I talk to him, he senses my struggle, he loves me unconditionally as does my dog!
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Old 09-22-2015, 05:11 PM
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Tuesday at 6. Dinner done. Dogs snoring. Crabby teenager is upstairs procrastinating. Grrr. Oh well. Today was dull but good. Yoga, dog walk, house work, groceries, listen to kid complain about the state of the world....oh I remember caring about that stuff. I still care but its just too much for me...I get really anxious when I watch the news. I feel deep in my stomach people's pain. Can't handle it. I think she might be 'that way' too. I hope not. Sucks.

I am proud of myself however. I am volunteering at a charity 10k on Saturday morning. I'm handing out medals! Ok so, not saving the planet but it will put me in contact with different people. I am also attending (if I can get up the courage) a meeting/party at a local park for the Idaho River Conseration group (which will have a food truck and a brewery and winery providing the beverages...oh, joy...jeez) that I'm trying to volunteer for. They have openings in event planning and I'd really like to do that. I figure if I can learn that kind of thing I might be able to work for the city someday. I am such a shut in. I mean, I go to yoga, the gym, the store but I don't really interact much. I figure if I do something, something will happen. Keep doing nothing and nothing will happen...except maybe a relapse. And I don't want that! Soooo we'll see. It will keep me busy.

Have a great night Team September!
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Old 09-22-2015, 05:15 PM
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Great Job Zekers! Wish I had a horse! I rode when I was younger but haven't in years....
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Old 09-22-2015, 05:19 PM
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In AA, which didn't work for me cause it made me more depressed. And my 2 sponsors relapsed & left the program. I learned a lot & still read my big book & a couple of other books. While working the steps I'm stumped at the "why you drink?" I can't find a reason. I have an adult son with a disability & at times that has been hard. He's doing fairly well now. I guess it started just to relax at the end of the day. Then my tolerance grow & I needed more to relax. Then I wanted to relax all day. Does this make any sense? I really have a great life & it makes me feel guilty for those who don't & drink. That's why AA made me so terribly sad. But I'm reading stories here online that are sad & I'm praying for you all. ��
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Old 09-22-2015, 05:28 PM
  # 211 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Cloel View Post
For now, I feel alcohol is the only way to block it out. Even my child hugging me makes my skin crawl. Sometimes it all feels too much, you know?
I totally understand this. What I went through, I find it hard being touched by anyone, even my kids. I have pushed myself every day since they were born to hug and kiss them and make it seem natural. Having my 11 year old sit by me and cuddle up to me literally, like you said, makes my skin crawl. I want to shrink into myself. I can feel myself getting irritable inside because I just want her to go away and stop touching me.
It makes me so sad to know that she has probably noticed over the years. She doesn't come in for those hugs as much as she used to.
I want better for her. I don't want to pass on these emotional problems to her, so it's my job to sort them out now, starting with me getting sober.

We can do this. We can!

I told my kids I wasn't drinking anymore, and that for me was it. I made her a promise and I'm not going to let her down.

Alcohol is never the answer. I realise that now. It may block it out for a while, but it's just making things worse for you and your family in the long run.
You need to be strong and fight this, and we will all help you along the way.

Like the others have said, when those cravings hit, wherever you are, stop, even if its in the middle of the street, and log in here on your phone, come talk to us.
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Old 09-22-2015, 05:45 PM
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Also, welcome to the new people and congrats to those having another sober day under their belt!

Day 11 here.

I'm doing okay. It's very up and down, some days I hardly think about it, others I find the cravings unbearable, but I'm fighting it and I'll continue to win.

My AV (my abusive dead dad haha), keeps rearing his ugly head whenever my stress levels rocket but I'm anticipating him now so it makes it easier to tell him to bugger off.

I like to imagine it's him somehow making my stress levels go up,trying to control how I'm reacting to things, so by calming myself down, I'm really sticking it to him. I know it's weird but it works haha

I have lost another kilo in weight
Oh that reminds me, does anyone watch the Australian biggest loser tv show?? Did you see that guy that lost like 17KG in one week!! How amazing was that!


I am still finding myself terribly tired all the time. Around day 3 I was literally jumping out of bed and feeling all refreshed. Now I'm dragging myself out again even though I have had a good night's sleep. It's weird. Not sure why that is.

Anyway, it's a beautiful day here in sunny Queensland and we have bugger all we have to do so I think we're going to have a day in the garden, BBQ, paddling pool and water fights.


Hope you're all having good sober days/nights.
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Old 09-22-2015, 07:01 PM
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Congrats on 2 weeks Rio
===============================

Cloel, there's not much to understand about addiction really - it's a very primal basic 'gimme' kind of reaction.

Until I found alternatives to deal with whatever I was feeling, I drank because I had no other tools.

I have various kinds of abuse in my past too.

If it's tough getting in to see someone there are a number of helpline/counselling places you can call and speak with someone over the phone - most countries have them...there are also forums dedicated to surviving sexual abuse, like Pandoras:

Pandora's Aquarium

There's no need for anyone to wait to start a new life

Get some other tools - learn to use them - and you'll have a real choice, some real options the next time you come to that crossroads

Everyone is terrified to look into their own darkness, but it helps to have people around you holding your hand

*****************************
welcome to the thread Dazee - and congrats to everyone hitting milestones today!

D

Last edited by Dee74; 09-22-2015 at 07:58 PM.
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Old 09-22-2015, 07:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Cloel View Post
In terrified to even look at those demons.
Cloel, responding late here (I think i must be on a different schedule/time zone than the rest of the group)

I'm sorry to hear about the slip. Good for you for getting right back up.

I just wanted to share that I have a history of abusive relationships. It started with childhood and continued through a big hunk of my adulthood. Therapy was absolutely essential for me to get off that train. I'll admit: I started and stopped therapy so many times before I stayed in. It is hard and there are hard things to look at. But it can really help with the healing.

Sending you peaceful thoughts and warrior woman strength. xo
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Old 09-22-2015, 07:53 PM
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Hi everyone,

Just catching up with posts after a long day at the work. Great to hear everyone's updates. Good job and great support here. It really makes my day to read it.

Dogs are walked and my belly is full of ice cream, so I'm going to trundle off to bed soon, day 14 in the bag. Wishing all of us strength and peace.
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Old 09-22-2015, 08:12 PM
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Hi everyone,
I got wine on my way home and I know I am going to drink it.
I know it is my fault. I know I need a plan. I printed off a plan.
I don't have the will/ambition/want, whatever it is called to fill out the plan.

Part of the reason, it is hard for me to answer the questions. I don't know what my triggers are. I know a couple of my triggers but most of the time, like tonight, I don't know what made me actually go buy the wine, where as the last 9 nights, I didn't. What was different about tonight? I don't know.

I know I am a little on edge. I have a lot going on at work, a lot going on in my life, but bottom line is I have to deal with that stuff in some way other than drinking. When I bought the wine, the cashier asked me if I was okay and I started to cry. How embarrassing. I don't even know why, I am blaming it on guilt/shame for purchasing the wine in the first place. But I couldn't get out of the store fast enough and I bet the cashier doesn't ask anyone if they are okay again any time soon.

I know something needs to change or I will never beat this. I need to figure out what to change and how to change it. Until I do, I am destined to fail.

Sorry for the long post. I hope everyone has a great Wednesday and thanks for listening.
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Old 09-22-2015, 08:15 PM
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Emme, have you considered not drinking the wine?

This is a great chance for you to prove to yourself that just because you have an itch you don't have to scratch it.

You could wake up tomorrow morning feeling really good about yourself and choices you've made...

how about it?

D
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Old 09-22-2015, 08:20 PM
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Emme, Dee's suggestion is a good one. Just pour it down the drain and go to bed. I think you will wake up feeling better. All your worries may not be resolved, but they won't by drinking either and your spirit will be in a better place to deal with them.

Sending you support and hugs
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Old 09-22-2015, 08:21 PM
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ps: good for you for posting. I see that as your inner self saying, don't do this. xo
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Old 09-22-2015, 08:24 PM
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Hope you'll pour the wine out, emme. It's not going to make today any better and might make it and tomorrow a whole lot worse. Post here once a minute if you have to. We're here for you!
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