entropy1964

Early days are great for organizing. I'm so on top of things these days!

entropy1964

I take it a step further and call it wogging. If I hit a 10 minute mile I'm really cruising.

entropy1964

That is great. You sound really good. It will keep getting better....

Wholesome

I drank.

I came home and got lots of stuff done. My clothes. I went through the kitchen cabinets too.

Then my bf came home with beers for us. I hadn't told him my plans. Once they were in the house and ear marked for me it didn't take me long. I can say that I poured the beer and watched it for awhile before drinking it.

I"m so conflicted about my drinking habits. On the one side I like having a few like I did tonight. I'm not drunk right now and it's been awhile and he had the day off (we don't see a lot of each other because of our work schedules). I would miss that if I never drank again.

On the other side I don't like how it drinking has a way of taking priority with me. It sneeks in and I find myself drinking when it's not appropriate or too much than I'd like.

In the interest of transparency and honesty I owe it to the group to admit to drinking 5 tall boys tonight. If I could of gotten "away" with it I would of drank more but I have to work tomorrow. Left to my own devices if I'd chosen to drink on my way home I would of drank more like 8-10 by now.

I can't lay any of this on my bf's lap. I didn't tell him of my intentions and even if I had he's heard it all before only to see me reneg.

I honestly think that it is part of my DNA. There is no where where I could run and hide to escape it.... it is a part of me. I feel like I've come home when I drink.

entropy1964

Tuesday is closing. Daughter is cleaning her room...amazing. That's only because I threatened to wrastle her if she didn't. Getting the carpets cleaned tomorrow.

I had a massage today by a sports injury therapist. Wow. It hurt like heck at times but my back feels much better. She referred me to a chiropractor too so I'm going to try it. I've been in pain for so long it kind of shocked me to feel some relief for a few hours. Kind of exciting.

I was thinking today how kind of mundane my life is right now. But cha know, I'm really enjoying it. I get moments where I'm dissatisfied but mostly I'm ok with it. I know, from experience, that I need a lot of predictable scheduling when I'm in early recovery. So that means not a lot of changes for me for the next couple of years. Actually, I like predictable pretty much all the time!

Hope everyone is well. Resist cravings, they pass and usually quite fast. If you're in the first 30 days maybe make a list of things you can do when you have a craving. Review HALT, exercise, SR, call a friend, wash face, brush teeth (weird but that works for me), meditate for 10 minutes. I try to make it a challenge for me to really feel my feelings, acknowledge them, pinpoint the source, decide if I can do anything about them (other than drink) if I can't, let them go.

Dee74

There's a good case to be made for it being in my DNA too Zen- but that doesn't mean I'm doomed to drink.

I get it, I really do - I drank while I could 'get away with it'...

the trouble was I lost more and more things, things & people very dear to me before I could no longer get away with it...and then longer still before I finally pulled up.

I really wish I'd quit 10 years earlier, and you'll hear that again and again on these boards.

Maybe it's time to feed the wolf you want to win?


D

Wholesome

Thank you Dee.

entropy1964

That's a good story Dee. So true. Relapses make me sad.

Incontrol15

You can chalk me up for one of those who wish I had quit earlier. I wish I had listened to my wife when she said I drink too much. There was nothing anybody could say or do. I liked my beer plain and simple.

Didn't think I had a problem at the time. I just had a few beers at night. It didn't start that way with only once in a while, then only weekends, then only after dinner....

I had to lose everything dear to me before I realized I had a problem. It took getting drunk all day every day before I started realizing I had to slow down. It took having anxiety attacks constantly and major depression before I realized I had to stop.

I'm an addict. It's in my DNA. No doubt about it.
I'm free now and it's liberating. I've finally figured out I can't do any substance that makes me high. No had my first joint at 15 or so, my first drink before that. Took me over 30years to learn that for every high I made, there was a low that followed.

Juno11

Hi all, Day 1 is over. I actually made a good day of it. Went to my group therapy, which is always helpful, and then later my SMART Recovery Group meeting. I was reluctant to go after my relapse last night but something told me it would be good for me to go and "fess up." I feel a big burden lifted after being totally honest with the group. There are so many useful tools in the SMART program and I need to start using them. I did set up my "Urge Surfing" journal starting today. No urges today. I never feel like drinking on day 1 anyway. Also, the guy who runs the meeting offered to meet me for coffee anytime I need to talk. I feel at home with these folks who understand alcohol and addiction. I have so many tools at my disposal - now just need to use them.

emme99

Hi everyone, Tuesday is almost over and I made it through day 2.

I called in sick to work. I need to stop doing that. I am not sick it just seems like work is too much to handle sometimes. And then I get extra anxiety from calling in sick and wish I would have just gone in.

I have lots of stuff I should have done around the house since I was home but didn't do anything, other than play on the computer and hang out with my fur kids.

I haven't been sleeping well so I think I will go to bed early and hopefully make tomorrow a good, productive day.

I hope everyone has a happy Wednesday

matilda123

Boy, I can relate to this, Kelly. My partner, who drinks maybe a glass of wine once a month, is drinking one right now, and I'm like, why not me. But of course, I know why not me: I might stop at one tonight, but I won't tomorrow.

I, too, have had a lot of professional success. I'm incredibly lucky that my drinking hasn't destroyed a career that I love. But I'm also realizing that I have allowed that success to delude me into thinking my problem wasn't "that bad." As someone on this board once noted, high functioning is a stage of alcoholism, not a type.

matilda123

Zen, are you sure we don't have the same bf? Not only did my partner not get my text for my emergency ice cream, he brought home wine! Arrgh...after dinner I immediately went out for a long walk with the dogs and plan to go to bed early.

Today wasn't great, ironically because I'm feeling better and want to drink. But I know that tomorrow won't be better for having drank--it would be much worse.

Hope everyone is well!

Deleteda

Hi class day 3 here, still feeling sweaty and shakey but not as bad as yesterday. Managed to have a bit of a healthy breakfast so that is good. Went to an AA meeting yesterday, was made to feel very welcome and I enjoyed it (if that is the right term lol) so am going to go to more and give this my best shot, I desperately need outside help, just not managing to stop myself. I'm feeling more positive now if very nervous. Hope you all have a good day.
Peace X

forabetterlife

Zen, I can relate to your post and the comfort of Drinking - "coming home". But I also know that when I first relapse after some sober time , I do a lot of rationalizing and minimizing the effects alcohol has on me. Kind of sounds like maybe that's where your at too. I guess that's because the first night Two it's not "that bad" and kind of a relief from all the efforts of not drinking. Anyway, I know I always feel like as much as I regret every relapse, I try to think of it as another lesson learned to get where I need to be. Hugs to you

forabetterlife

Juno, good job on day one and getting to those meetings. I've started a journal too, just thoughts and quotes and reasons not to drink.

Matilda, I agree so Much. When life seems fine on the outside, it's so easy to convince ourselves that our drinking isn't a problem. Since I drink alone and things seem relatively fine in my life, most people have no idea that I even drink. Which makes it even harder. Less accountable and lots of room for rationalizing and excuses.

Juno11

Day 2 - waking up without a hangover. The binge was a rough one. Still processing it, but on the way to recovery. Also, have a lot of work to catch up on after missing a full day yesterday. Lessons learned and moving forward. Wonderful Wednesday to all!!

Rar

Hi Zen. This is my situation too. Hubby and I drank together for years. The difference is that I've told my Hubby on several occasions that I was a 'problem' drinker and I can't have just one or a couple. Last week he brought home a 30 pack of my favorite beer. Anyway, today is Day 10 for me. The first several days were very hard when Hubby was drinking. Yesterday we had a squabble and I was white knuckling as Hubby poured back a 12 pack. (Bet he feels awful today). I stuck to my flavored seltzer while stewing inside. I drank over 3 liters, but I went to bed sober and woke up sober. Because I was angry, I would have kept drinking, as he did. Drinking just the seltzer wasn't so bad, though it seemed I was guzzling as I would have with the beer. 1st off, I think you need to tell him your intentions. Then perhaps have a new drink ritual with him. Many folks here like a sparkling or seltzer water. Hang in there.

saoirse

Good morning everyone. Not sleeping as great as I would like. Not used to having dreams, and last nights counted as a nightmare for sure. Plus I'm either to hot or cold, have to get that worked out. Still its another sober day and I'm grateful for that. Hope everyone is doing well.

JL2014

Day 3 !
Sinusitis still kicking me. Day 2 of antibiotic.
Glad to be sober.
I'm on the wish I'd stopped drinking earlier list.
Aiming for going to bed as soon as I get home tonight.
Meanwhile, 9 hrs left in the workday.