PennyLane76

Troy, I was in that hellhole 2 weeks ago, not suicidal but not wanting to exist. Such a pit of despair, I ache for you going through it . My HP is the force of the universe I suppose, I stared at the brightest star this morning hoping somehow you can let us lift you up. The darkness will fade in a few days and you can start over, I know you won't let anything happen to your boys. Rest, heal, just please let us know you are there if you don't feel like posting.

SwimKim12

Troy, I am sorry you are really struggling. Being sober means we have to deal with issues that we normally would drink to forget about. But drinking doesn't make the issues go away and it usually makes things worse. I've always been inspired by your posts; you are extremely articulate and insightful. It is clear that you have so much to offer the world. Don't let the AV tell you otherwise. Remember that it will do anything to feed the addiction, including trying to convince you that you are worthless. Those are lies- you are here and detoxing because you know in your heart that you want and deserve to be sober. Please hang on. Take things slowly, one day at a time. Sending lots of support and good thoughts your way.

JL2014

Hey Troy,
Crap piles up in your head during detox, man. Let it pass. You are a lot stronger than you're feeling right now. Were all here too with you.
Keep posting, when you feel like it.
Hillbilly prayers for you, from the mountain where I live, (Hickville USA)

vanaprastha

Had another good day at work today. Before I stopped drinking, I felt my work performance slipping because I was still groggy and hungover, even when I tried to drink less the day before (I only work a few days a week). Now that I'm sober I'm back and fully awake and aware. These little rewards make it worthwhile.

patricia68

Today is a little better than yesterday. I woke up feeling rested, I really needed it!

Still lots of anxiety though, I could eat an entire grocery store! But I won't...lol

I'm having these annoying body aches, mostly in the hip joints and upper back. It comes and goes, I'm wondering if this is normal in early sobriety?

PennyLane76

Yes, I had lots of aching joints during my first withdrawal in july.

kittycat3

Troy I just wrote out a lengthy special message to you and lost it. I am going to take it as a sign that I said too many words. In a nutshell it said:
We care about you. You are being way too hard on yourself, so please get sober and worry about one day, one hour, and one minute at a time. You can do this!
XO, kitty

kittycat3

Ok my checkin - I've been scarce around here and I want to be more present here at SR. Day 18 today, though, which feels good!
I have been craving cigs HARD and some drinking cravings too, but not as much drinking as jonesing for a cigarette! But I've not broken down....
Today I got a text from a friend I met drinking and had this flash of thinking, I could just meet up with him, get drunk, and nobody in my life would be any of the wiser. But then I remembered, oh yeah but "I" would be ashamed about that, so then no, I'm not going to do that....feels sad, though. I wonder if I should tell him straight up that I quit drinking, even though I don't know him very well and owe him no explanation.
I do, at this very moment, feel nostalgic for the way that alcohol removed my inhibitions. I could talk to anyone, buddy up to everyone, felt no fear or self-consciousness regarding who I am or how I look...
but then there was always that tipping point, I always had one (or 5) drinks too many, and became "that" drunk girl - the one who nobody wanted to be around, because she needed not friends, but a babysitter. The one who made awful decisions and took untold risks....and got kicked out of the bar, or drove home drunk, or had to call into work sick because she was too hungover.
Anyway, playing the tape through, meeting that guy for a drink doesn't sound so fun after all.
I got sober once for 6 years. Then for the last 5 or so, I've been alternating periods of sobriety with binge drinking. I know I can live sober, and I forget that I only have 18 days. Just 18 days, not even 3 weeks yet! I have to be patient with myself, and remember that I can't undo all the binge drinking and unhealthy behaviors after not even 3 weeks of sobriety. So I say a prayer to my HP to remind me to take 1 day at a time....
Hugs to all, we are doing this

Retread1959

Good news came today. I pitched a client yesterday, someone I used to work with who is now in a position to hire someone with my skills. Told him I am planning to retire and strike out on my own in a few months and he wrote back this morning and said he is very interested, wanted to know if there is a way I could work for him prior to my stated retirement date. I have some wiggle room there and it sure would be nice to strike out a little earlier than I had planned, but it would depend on how much work he might have for me.

Anyway, I'm to send him some work samples he can pass around to his team and if that goes well I guess we'll discuss next steps. I'm figuring I can afford to charge an hourly rate that's about 1.5 times what my hourly salary is right now. That should cover taxes and business expenses without pricing me out of the market, I think. He should have budget for that, so we'll see how it goes. So excited.

Also had my rehearsal tonight, and that went well. Life is busy. Riding lesson in the morning, early, so I'm getting to bed here soon. Don't really have much time to drink, and I guess that's a good thing. Night everyone.

lovehoops

Good morning,

Retread...awesome news about work! I will keep my fingers crossed!!!

Troy..we are all thinking of you..stay close and keep posting! Xoxo

Busy weekend ahead with errands and family stuff. I feel okay though. Had a big argument with my husband last night about bulls&@t. Misunderstanding and he flipped. I went right back at him. Not worth it but I did. I feel drained today and have to be with him today ugh...not worth a drink and I know it will pass.

Wishing you all a sober weekend xo

patricia68

Good morning!

I have 0 energy today. I feel fine, just not motivated to do anything around the house. But it's Saturday...so I'm not going to feel guilty about it!

So I'm going to take the dog to his favourite tree and then relax with a cup of coffee and a book. Have a great day everybody!

benice

I just did a nerdy thing...but in case anyone is interested:
7-21: KeyofC
8-1: Bexxed
8-2: Vana, Beerbegone, Benice
8-10: Yogapants
8-17:Hopeful
8-18: Coleiope, MilitiARGH
8-20: Brighterlife
8-22: Lovehoops
8-24: Elizke
8-25: Patricia, Kittycat
8-27: Retread
9-5: Swimkim
9-9: JL2014
9-10: Troy
???: Olivia, Time2Rise, Creativespirit

I may be wrong, so feel free to correct. Any other Augustables reading? Please post and fill in your date! We could use the support!

Happy Saturday class.

KeyofC

Benice,
If we are referring to sobriety date?
Me--July 20, 2015

It's not nerdy!! Lol Thank you I appreciate it!

benice

Thanks Key! After a while, when I get all of the corrections and any adds, I will post an update!

PennyLane76

I'm same as kitty. Is that the right day Kitty? I'm awful with dates

benice

HOW DID I MISS THAT??? You were actually on the top of my page, Sadie!! So sorry.
CORRECTION: 8-25: Patricia, Kitty, Sadie

KeyofC

Today is my day 54
I am still trying to avoid this dang depression. I get to feeling so much better then it feels like the rug gets pulled out from under me. Maybe I am giving too much of myself away that there's nothing left for me to use. Maybe I am the "control freak" and not my husband. I also read and agree that I am "expecting too much and it sets me up for disappointment". So If someone, anyone can help me learn to:
Let Go
Not Be In Control and Not Care
Not Worry About The Little Things
Not Feel Alone, Deserted, Abandoned
Feel Worthy Of Love
Feel Trust
Be Honest
Tell My AV to shut the hell up..
Not to Expect People To Care or Want To Spend Time With Me and Treat Me With Respect....
I think this "short" list will do it and get me started.
See? See what I mean about nobody understands the stuff inside me and I feel like I am messing with a long string of tangled Christmas lights that someone bundled up and stuff away in a box for several years and now someone wants to get them out...Are you Kidding me?? Sheesh
This is the tip of the iceburg..(again) Thank God I don't have a destination or a dead line I am racing to.

vanaprastha

I understand, and I think many people here understand. Most of us could write the same list (I know I could.)

If you are really looking for suggestions, mindfulness meditation helps me work on letting go.

KeyofC

I had to write three long posts because I feel it..the death grip depression is banging on my door...Dear God I just want it to leave me alone! Am I really having to learn to be happy again? Is this for real? I thought I had that one down pat.

TroyW

Ohhh, KeyofC, I'm sorry to hear it. I just got out of it tonight myself, and I know how horrible it can be. I've been through bouts of depression, but not like that.

Have you ever considered SSRIs? I'm 100% against medication, but am considering them again. How's your diet? Is it ok? Proper diet and physical exercise is key to keeping serotonin levels up, which is what keeps depression at bay.

Sorry to hear you're going through it.