Class of July 2013 Part 21
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Oh Leshar...I know I can't fully understand, I do know that.
But you are our friend here, we've all been here 2 years, you post away your thoughts, of course you should vent.
We have semi retirement places here which are little communities, where people are still really active, have complete independence because they are still in their 50s/60s, but still have opportunities and activites to socialise. Is it that connection you are missing?
I know you've said socialising is sometimes the last thing you feel like doing, but could something like the above be a mid-way step to consider if your brother is not a option? Just thinking out loud, really.
But you are our friend here, we've all been here 2 years, you post away your thoughts, of course you should vent.
We have semi retirement places here which are little communities, where people are still really active, have complete independence because they are still in their 50s/60s, but still have opportunities and activites to socialise. Is it that connection you are missing?
I know you've said socialising is sometimes the last thing you feel like doing, but could something like the above be a mid-way step to consider if your brother is not a option? Just thinking out loud, really.
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Originally Posted by Leshar 
Thanks, Croissant, but I feel anything but strong. Today, I'm ashamed to admit that I regretted handing in the pills. I really feel miserable and wanted to numb out. I honestly have to say that this whole past year has been worse than when I was drinking. That's sad to say. Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing for me, quitting. I can't stand how I feel. Like Cow says in her thread, I don't really post looking for sympathy, but I just can't see any solution. I talked to my brother on the weekend and I was so so anxious. He's a very strong, somewhat narcissistic character and I don't know if I could live with him. His wife waits on him hand and foot in every way. He has no idea of my grief.
I've never really grown up/matured. I guess alcoholism played a big role in this.
Sorry folks, I'm posting because I don't want to go into my prescribed lorazepam to numb out now. Every minute feels like agony right now. I honestly feel worse sober.
I've never really grown up/matured. I guess alcoholism played a big role in this.
Sorry folks, I'm posting because I don't want to go into my prescribed lorazepam to numb out now. Every minute feels like agony right now. I honestly feel worse sober.
'I honestly feel worse sober'
I don't doubt that you feel that way today Leshar, but as someone who's followed your journey here I've seen you in your darkest hour...and this is not that hour.
You've come through worse than this
and there have been times when you've really bloomed in recovery.
The problem is not that you're incapable of leading a happy life...it's just a question of finding out what you need to maintain that happiness
I really wish I knew that answer for you, but in lieu of that, you have my admiration and support.
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,351
Leshar sweetheart, I definitely identify with your comment about honestly feeling worse sober , I really do . But drinking won't help you . It exacerbates the misery .
I drank last night . I'm a disgrace .
It's solved nothing but put me back to where I never wanted to be. This is the first time I have ever done this after rehab ( detox)
I think I may go offline for a while to get my head straight & try to get myself together , whatever that means .
I just have no words , it's as simple and sad as that .
Xx.
I drank last night . I'm a disgrace .
It's solved nothing but put me back to where I never wanted to be. This is the first time I have ever done this after rehab ( detox)
I think I may go offline for a while to get my head straight & try to get myself together , whatever that means .
I just have no words , it's as simple and sad as that .
Xx.
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Wendy - now's not the time to run away from help - you need to run towards it.
Stay here - post away - post in the September thread as well, and post to newcomers.
Use your natural inclination to care for others to help you learn how to care for yourself again.
The fact that you've drink again just shows the progression of this thing.
You need to fight this - it really is the fight of your life.
What about AA, Smart, LifeRing - anything you can find to use to help, please use it, ok?
You can do this. It's going to be tougher than any other attempt you've made but you've got the courage and strength. Use them
D
Stay here - post away - post in the September thread as well, and post to newcomers.
Use your natural inclination to care for others to help you learn how to care for yourself again.
The fact that you've drink again just shows the progression of this thing.
You need to fight this - it really is the fight of your life.
What about AA, Smart, LifeRing - anything you can find to use to help, please use it, ok?
You can do this. It's going to be tougher than any other attempt you've made but you've got the courage and strength. Use them
D
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
You still have an enormous amount of hope and promise Wendy
Unfortunately it looks like your addiction is not going to lay down quietly.
Sometimes the bottom line is fighting the craving to drink minute by minute until it passes.
When you feel like that - no matter what the time, or how hard it seems to do - do reach out here.
Even if it's reaching out to help others - you simply can't talk recovery without absorbing a little of it yourself.
I did that for so many days at the beginning...it was rough but I turned the tide.
You can too
D
Unfortunately it looks like your addiction is not going to lay down quietly.
Sometimes the bottom line is fighting the craving to drink minute by minute until it passes.
When you feel like that - no matter what the time, or how hard it seems to do - do reach out here.
Even if it's reaching out to help others - you simply can't talk recovery without absorbing a little of it yourself.
I did that for so many days at the beginning...it was rough but I turned the tide.
You can too
D
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Snooz, you are not a disgrace. Because if you are calling yourself a disgrace then you are calling us all a disgrace. We are all in this together. If I drank again tomorrow, I'd be right back where I was. Drunk or sober, I'm an alcoholic.
Recovery does get tiresome, you want to lay it down and just not have to deal with it. I get it, we all get it.
I understand why you feel so bad, but don't forget, alcohol makes us feel worthless too, so it narrows our solution down to only one thing - to drink again.
It's a frigging lie, Wendy. Alcohol is lying to you. You are not a disgrace and you do not need it.
Recovery does get tiresome, you want to lay it down and just not have to deal with it. I get it, we all get it.
I understand why you feel so bad, but don't forget, alcohol makes us feel worthless too, so it narrows our solution down to only one thing - to drink again.
It's a frigging lie, Wendy. Alcohol is lying to you. You are not a disgrace and you do not need it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,697
SnoozyQ I hope you stay here.
Sorry you drank. Do you know why you drank? Did you dump your stash or go pick some up?
I hope you can analyze what happened and learn from it. I/we are all rooting for you.
Sorry you drank. Do you know why you drank? Did you dump your stash or go pick some up?
I hope you can analyze what happened and learn from it. I/we are all rooting for you.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Hi Julyers therapy went well my current therapist is leaving so Il have a new therapist if I hear nothing by mid Oct she said phone up etc I was like thank you for helping me
I am waiting on another call about courses/employment/volunteering as I am getting geared up for that and the more im out & about the better
To any julyer struggling now is the time to check in most
Had a migraine yesterday which is rare for me but it might be the anti depressants I'm on I have a Dr apt booked so can talk about it then
I'm so busy today I've already had to change my socks because of sweat (gross yuk lol)
Spk soon Julyers
I am waiting on another call about courses/employment/volunteering as I am getting geared up for that and the more im out & about the better
To any julyer struggling now is the time to check in most
Had a migraine yesterday which is rare for me but it might be the anti depressants I'm on I have a Dr apt booked so can talk about it then
I'm so busy today I've already had to change my socks because of sweat (gross yuk lol)
Spk soon Julyers
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 3,313
Morning everyone,
Snoozy, you know the worst thing you could do is stay away from this place. You are just staying that because you feel ashamed and think we are all sick of hearing it, but you are wrong!!! Croissant is right - if you are a disgrace then we are all. Especially me with all of my slips and struggles this year. I get how you feel, but you need to stay with us and keep fighting! You would say the same thing to me
Yesterday was challenging. Took Abby for her routine Dr visit and poor thing got 2 shots/vaccines (one in each leg) and then we had to go have blood drawn because her hemoglobin level came back a little low - I guess they are worried she may be anemic? Results come back today. But it was awful listening to her cry and holding her while they put a needle in her little arm and drew blood. I can't believe they draw blood from a 9 month old the same way they do adults?? I was worried the anxiety and worry would make my AV hard to fight last night, but I had no desire to drink. Hoping for good news today.
Snoozy, you know the worst thing you could do is stay away from this place. You are just staying that because you feel ashamed and think we are all sick of hearing it, but you are wrong!!! Croissant is right - if you are a disgrace then we are all. Especially me with all of my slips and struggles this year. I get how you feel, but you need to stay with us and keep fighting! You would say the same thing to me
Yesterday was challenging. Took Abby for her routine Dr visit and poor thing got 2 shots/vaccines (one in each leg) and then we had to go have blood drawn because her hemoglobin level came back a little low - I guess they are worried she may be anemic? Results come back today. But it was awful listening to her cry and holding her while they put a needle in her little arm and drew blood. I can't believe they draw blood from a 9 month old the same way they do adults?? I was worried the anxiety and worry would make my AV hard to fight last night, but I had no desire to drink. Hoping for good news today.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Ugggh, Ladybug. That moment your gut is wrenched and your heart drops when you hear your baby crying in pain. The worst!
Fingers crossed for you the results come back ok. I hope Abby's shots didn't knock her around too much.
Fingers crossed for you the results come back ok. I hope Abby's shots didn't knock her around too much.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Alcoholism is a four fold progressive disease - Medical News Today opinions
Enjoyed this article on how drinking changes our thought processes and decision making. The stories that follow from families are confronting. I've been that person, wondering how could my Mother continue to drink and shatter not just her life, but our relationship.
Well, I wouldn't say I "enjoyed" the article. Just know I have to keep it real, because this is a serious Illness.
Anyway, that was my bedtime reading. Night night all.
P.s. sw....hope your new therapist is awesome. Good to see you are getting out and about, mate.
Enjoyed this article on how drinking changes our thought processes and decision making. The stories that follow from families are confronting. I've been that person, wondering how could my Mother continue to drink and shatter not just her life, but our relationship.
Well, I wouldn't say I "enjoyed" the article. Just know I have to keep it real, because this is a serious Illness.
Anyway, that was my bedtime reading. Night night all.
P.s. sw....hope your new therapist is awesome. Good to see you are getting out and about, mate.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
(((((((((((((Snooz))))))))))))))
Don't let it win! Keep fighting!
Snooz, one of the most pivotal sayings I ever heard was "Dare to be mediocre." Often there's no happy medium with addicts: we feel that need to be either in the clouds or scraping the sewer.
The truth is, neither is usually true. We are just people, each with strengths and weaknesses. But we are not "extraordinary worms."
Please keep posting!
Leshar, that idea about an adult community seems good if it's affordable. I agree that a narcissist might not be the best person for a broken person to be with!
Congratulations, Casey!
Don't let it win! Keep fighting!
Snooz, one of the most pivotal sayings I ever heard was "Dare to be mediocre." Often there's no happy medium with addicts: we feel that need to be either in the clouds or scraping the sewer.
The truth is, neither is usually true. We are just people, each with strengths and weaknesses. But we are not "extraordinary worms."
Please keep posting!
Leshar, that idea about an adult community seems good if it's affordable. I agree that a narcissist might not be the best person for a broken person to be with!
Congratulations, Casey!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 3,996
Thanks, everyone. I'm not well enough really to think of a living change at present. I see my psychiatrist on Tuesday. Clearly my current anti depressants aren't working.
Snoozy, dearest, don't go away please. You are very ill your disease is a strong enemy. Let us help you fight it. Have you thought about AA? I've been going, just for the community really, I still struggle with the higher power concept. But there can be a supportive community of women in the groups. Thinking of you dear one, you are much loved here, don't disappear.
Snoozy, dearest, don't go away please. You are very ill your disease is a strong enemy. Let us help you fight it. Have you thought about AA? I've been going, just for the community really, I still struggle with the higher power concept. But there can be a supportive community of women in the groups. Thinking of you dear one, you are much loved here, don't disappear.
Trudger of Happy Destiny
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Naperville, IL
Posts: 1,918
This is a great thread. Thank you all for sharing.
Snoozy and Leshar - please stick around. Don't leave before the miracle happens. If you stick around, life might not get better, but YOU will get better.
Snoozy and Leshar - please stick around. Don't leave before the miracle happens. If you stick around, life might not get better, but YOU will get better.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: PA and Florida
Posts: 4,179
Hi July 13's,
I am popping in to offer some thoughts to my friend, Snooz.
First of all, let me say that I am sorry that you relapsed last night. At many levels I understand the grip that this addiction has over us. You are far from a disgrace...alcohol has a very strong grip on you right now. I honestly believe that it will only become stronger and stronger until you find the willingness to work a recovery program....not simply the will-power to not drink.
It really doesn't matter what that program is...it could be just posting on SR...that works for many. If it's SR, then use us a resource to not drink before you pick up...not just to lick your wounds.
For me now, I needed AA to help me understand the complexity of this monster that I had been battling for decades. AA has not only saved my life, but, given me a reason to live and thrive in sobriety. However, that all came gradually...finding peace and serenity - a mostly joyous, happy free life didn't come in the first few months. Quite frankly, it took time, frequent attendance (assmosis), and a real willingness to remain teachable.
In the early stages I leaned on the WE of that program to get me through not drinking....one day at a time. Back then I probs thought that a sober life was a net negative without my good friend alcohol. That could not be further from the truth today. Again though...that is down the road stuff.
What are you going to do the next time you want to drink? You mentioned to Dee that you now have a program. Step 1, at least for me, is what do I do if I trigger? Who do I call? Where might I go? What can I read? I heard this guy say he would tie another to a tree and sit with him as long as that urge last....BUT, only if he is willing and wants to not drink more than drink. Again, willingness - not will power.
I identify with trying to quit again after a long period of not drinking. I have many of those prior to AA. My first relapse occurred after 11.5 years. It took 10 years of repeated relapse to find a solution that fit...some lasted more than a year.
I kept thinking, Hey, I got this...I did this...when I get really serious again, I will just stop...will-power. Well, that thinking led to repeated relapse. I needed to let go of the fact I had that success...realize that I was sinking deeper and deeper....and accept that I was not where I was in the past. For me it took laying in bed in a fetal position wanting to die prior to my oldest daughter's wedding.
Wendy, we are here for you...FRONT END...pre first drink. Use us, use whatever...just do not pick up today. Then gradually build a recovery program that heals mind, body and spirit...and work it like your life depends on it...because, I probably does.
Oh my, the time...I must dash. ..no time for even a quick edit. I hope this didn't come across too strong...in reality, it is only my suggestions that have worked for me.
Wendy, I hope you find the strength to not drink today! I am sending my best intention vibes your way.
Carlos
I am popping in to offer some thoughts to my friend, Snooz.
First of all, let me say that I am sorry that you relapsed last night. At many levels I understand the grip that this addiction has over us. You are far from a disgrace...alcohol has a very strong grip on you right now. I honestly believe that it will only become stronger and stronger until you find the willingness to work a recovery program....not simply the will-power to not drink.
It really doesn't matter what that program is...it could be just posting on SR...that works for many. If it's SR, then use us a resource to not drink before you pick up...not just to lick your wounds.
For me now, I needed AA to help me understand the complexity of this monster that I had been battling for decades. AA has not only saved my life, but, given me a reason to live and thrive in sobriety. However, that all came gradually...finding peace and serenity - a mostly joyous, happy free life didn't come in the first few months. Quite frankly, it took time, frequent attendance (assmosis), and a real willingness to remain teachable.
In the early stages I leaned on the WE of that program to get me through not drinking....one day at a time. Back then I probs thought that a sober life was a net negative without my good friend alcohol. That could not be further from the truth today. Again though...that is down the road stuff.
What are you going to do the next time you want to drink? You mentioned to Dee that you now have a program. Step 1, at least for me, is what do I do if I trigger? Who do I call? Where might I go? What can I read? I heard this guy say he would tie another to a tree and sit with him as long as that urge last....BUT, only if he is willing and wants to not drink more than drink. Again, willingness - not will power.
I identify with trying to quit again after a long period of not drinking. I have many of those prior to AA. My first relapse occurred after 11.5 years. It took 10 years of repeated relapse to find a solution that fit...some lasted more than a year.
I kept thinking, Hey, I got this...I did this...when I get really serious again, I will just stop...will-power. Well, that thinking led to repeated relapse. I needed to let go of the fact I had that success...realize that I was sinking deeper and deeper....and accept that I was not where I was in the past. For me it took laying in bed in a fetal position wanting to die prior to my oldest daughter's wedding.
Wendy, we are here for you...FRONT END...pre first drink. Use us, use whatever...just do not pick up today. Then gradually build a recovery program that heals mind, body and spirit...and work it like your life depends on it...because, I probably does.
Oh my, the time...I must dash. ..no time for even a quick edit. I hope this didn't come across too strong...in reality, it is only my suggestions that have worked for me.
Wendy, I hope you find the strength to not drink today! I am sending my best intention vibes your way.
Carlos
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 3,313
Croissant, thanks for that article. Very powerful. Got the call that my daughters bloodwork came back all good. So relieved, but of course my AV showed up with it's usual "you should celebrate ....." Needless to say it went away after reading that article. Feeling very grateful and positive today. Enjoying a much needed rainy day (although rainy days are no fun when standing at the bus stop)!!
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