One Year and Under Club Part 48
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Ky
Posts: 2,043
Nice to meet you waywardson! I'm 60 days tomorrow, have only been on SR since middle of August I think. Lots of great people on here who will offer you a hand up if you're willing to help yourself!
Saskia, thanks! I am too straightforward most if the time. I guess it's her deal if it bothers her. I knew at some point I'd run into this. Maybe (God forbid) I should try to filter sometimes!
Saskia, thanks! I am too straightforward most if the time. I guess it's her deal if it bothers her. I knew at some point I'd run into this. Maybe (God forbid) I should try to filter sometimes!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 2,412
KofC...it's normal to expect the worst. Does no good to worry about it though. Just as it does no good to say don't worry about it. Lol.
Was this all via email? Invite then response?
Take a second and think about all the possibilities for no response (yet). I'm sure you can come up with a few. It COULD be any one of those reasons. But in reality, it's most likely none of them. That's how it almost always works.
Was this all via email? Invite then response?
Take a second and think about all the possibilities for no response (yet). I'm sure you can come up with a few. It COULD be any one of those reasons. But in reality, it's most likely none of them. That's how it almost always works.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 2,412
Cauliflower....
My thoughts may not be completely relevant, but maybe there's something there to think about. Keep in mind, I tend to look at what MY roll is in situations and quick to blame myself before others. All I'm doing is throwing out a different perspective?
I know you already know this and that this is not the issue.....but your Dad loves your monster-in-law. Your Dad obviously loves you. The truth of the matter is he's a grown man and can choose to love who he wants. Even if he's wrong, even if he's blind to her antics, no matter what they are, NOBODY can change his feelings for her except himself. But you know that already.
The peace your looking for is between you and your Dad. You can hate her all you want. You don't have to love her or even like her. But things would be a lot easier between you and your Dad if you didn't judge him. Maybe you don't, but maybe that's what he's feeling?
You don't like her and you let him know that. But meanwhile, he does like her. So there's a gap there, and how he fills that gap in is mind and how he internalizes that may be a strain on your relationship.
Agreeing to disagreeing is probably the best thing you can do. Let him know how much you love him, and that your happy for him. He's not alone and lonely. He has someone with him every day and night that he can love.
Can he do better? Sounds like it. But that is his choice to settle for less.
It sounds like your monster-in-law treats you like total crap and your Dad does not defend you or take your side. If that's the case, there could be a bunch of reasons why. But one of them is not that he doesn't love you. I'm sure he loves you with all his heart and that's all the matters.
It's possible that he thinks you are jealous of your monster-in-law. Just a possibility. Could be a whole bunch of reasons he doesn't defend you.
Anyway...food for thought.
My thoughts may not be completely relevant, but maybe there's something there to think about. Keep in mind, I tend to look at what MY roll is in situations and quick to blame myself before others. All I'm doing is throwing out a different perspective?
I know you already know this and that this is not the issue.....but your Dad loves your monster-in-law. Your Dad obviously loves you. The truth of the matter is he's a grown man and can choose to love who he wants. Even if he's wrong, even if he's blind to her antics, no matter what they are, NOBODY can change his feelings for her except himself. But you know that already.
The peace your looking for is between you and your Dad. You can hate her all you want. You don't have to love her or even like her. But things would be a lot easier between you and your Dad if you didn't judge him. Maybe you don't, but maybe that's what he's feeling?
You don't like her and you let him know that. But meanwhile, he does like her. So there's a gap there, and how he fills that gap in is mind and how he internalizes that may be a strain on your relationship.
Agreeing to disagreeing is probably the best thing you can do. Let him know how much you love him, and that your happy for him. He's not alone and lonely. He has someone with him every day and night that he can love.
Can he do better? Sounds like it. But that is his choice to settle for less.
It sounds like your monster-in-law treats you like total crap and your Dad does not defend you or take your side. If that's the case, there could be a bunch of reasons why. But one of them is not that he doesn't love you. I'm sure he loves you with all his heart and that's all the matters.
It's possible that he thinks you are jealous of your monster-in-law. Just a possibility. Could be a whole bunch of reasons he doesn't defend you.
Anyway...food for thought.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 12
Hi Everyone 
I thought I'd pop in before work and join a support thread before I change my mind and go back to lurking in the shadows. Lol. I've been doing a lot of SR reading the last few days and think it's time to interact a bit.
This Saturday I'm missing my best friends daughters 18th birthday party because I know I wouldn't be able to not drink if I go. It's hard because the people who will be there I haven't seen a lot of them in years and will miss catching up. They understand but it makes me a little sad.
Anyway it's time for work, Have a great day/night all.
I thought I'd pop in before work and join a support thread before I change my mind and go back to lurking in the shadows. Lol. I've been doing a lot of SR reading the last few days and think it's time to interact a bit. This Saturday I'm missing my best friends daughters 18th birthday party because I know I wouldn't be able to not drink if I go. It's hard because the people who will be there I haven't seen a lot of them in years and will miss catching up. They understand but it makes me a little sad.
Anyway it's time for work, Have a great day/night all.
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Key, a lot of my friends (not the drinking buddies) had no idea that my drinking was as bad as it was.
They'd seen me drunk of course but I guess they assumed it was an isolted incident and not my default position.
A lot of them simply didn't know what to say, if they should say something, or what the right response was.
Give your friend some time - in the meantime, you have support here 24/7
welcome back wayward son
D
They'd seen me drunk of course but I guess they assumed it was an isolted incident and not my default position.
A lot of them simply didn't know what to say, if they should say something, or what the right response was.
Give your friend some time - in the meantime, you have support here 24/7
welcome back wayward son
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Wayward - Welcome back!
BoozeFree - I agree with Toots' suggestion to get to meetings and seek a sponsor. Like you, I get a lot of benefit out of reading recovery literature. However today my sponsor made a similar recommendation to me to reach out more to others face to face. You get what you give in the program, and what could be a better gift to others than vulnerability.
KofC - I think it's amazing that you laid your recovery and sobriety on the table. It's painful to face silence when you put your heart on the line. I admire your healthy response to let it go and move forward.
Cauliflower - I really understand your painful dynamics with your stepmother and father because I've been in a similar situation with mine since I was 10 years old.
Incontrol - It's taken me some 30 years to realize what you shared so concisely, that my father's love for me is separate from his codependency to his wife, and that there is nothing I can do about his choices.
Toots - When I don't comment on your posts it's simply because I know you so well, and understand what you're saying and where you're coming from, too.
Happiness - I'm glad you've decided to introduce yourself. Great job deciding to skip the party in favor of staying sober. We will all support you in those difficult decisions.
Thanks for everything Undies!
BoozeFree - I agree with Toots' suggestion to get to meetings and seek a sponsor. Like you, I get a lot of benefit out of reading recovery literature. However today my sponsor made a similar recommendation to me to reach out more to others face to face. You get what you give in the program, and what could be a better gift to others than vulnerability.
KofC - I think it's amazing that you laid your recovery and sobriety on the table. It's painful to face silence when you put your heart on the line. I admire your healthy response to let it go and move forward.
Cauliflower - I really understand your painful dynamics with your stepmother and father because I've been in a similar situation with mine since I was 10 years old.
Incontrol - It's taken me some 30 years to realize what you shared so concisely, that my father's love for me is separate from his codependency to his wife, and that there is nothing I can do about his choices.
Toots - When I don't comment on your posts it's simply because I know you so well, and understand what you're saying and where you're coming from, too.
Happiness - I'm glad you've decided to introduce yourself. Great job deciding to skip the party in favor of staying sober. We will all support you in those difficult decisions.
Thanks for everything Undies!
Welcome Happiness
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Spain
Posts: 2,004
Hi all!
BF, funny about those days with cravings. Seems like they're never going to pass and then when they do it's as if they were never there. I've been taking my friend In control's advice and have managed to think my way out of a negative mindset by rationalising the reasons why I felt that way. It also helps that today is Friday!!
Cauliflower, when things get really mixed up and I can't for whatever reason, have the conversation I wish to have with someone I tend to write it all in a letter. I then wait a day, make an edit, then wait another day and if I feel confident send it or reedit. It just sounds like there's something important you need to say and can't seem to get it right. Even if you never send it, the process of writing can be very interesting in its own right.
Welcome back Wayward and welcome to you happiness.
Thanks as always (though maybe I don't say it) to Toots and Saskia for your weathered wisdom. It's so important to have you and a few other "pop-overs" here. Helps keep things in perspective.
I probably missed a few important ones here! Just read a couple of pages in a go! All the best to all of you!!
BF, funny about those days with cravings. Seems like they're never going to pass and then when they do it's as if they were never there. I've been taking my friend In control's advice and have managed to think my way out of a negative mindset by rationalising the reasons why I felt that way. It also helps that today is Friday!!
Cauliflower, when things get really mixed up and I can't for whatever reason, have the conversation I wish to have with someone I tend to write it all in a letter. I then wait a day, make an edit, then wait another day and if I feel confident send it or reedit. It just sounds like there's something important you need to say and can't seem to get it right. Even if you never send it, the process of writing can be very interesting in its own right.
Welcome back Wayward and welcome to you happiness.
Thanks as always (though maybe I don't say it) to Toots and Saskia for your weathered wisdom. It's so important to have you and a few other "pop-overs" here. Helps keep things in perspective.
I probably missed a few important ones here! Just read a couple of pages in a go! All the best to all of you!!
Living and Loving Life at Last
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: gods own country
Posts: 12,166
WWS, good to see you reaching out for help, sorry though that it was a relapse that brought you back. Stick close; the early days are the easiest for AV to argue a relapse. Can you share what went wrong? What will you do to prevent it happening again?
Key of C I have a friend who I used to always have a great time with over several bottles of wine, just yipping and laughing, but felt like we were close. When I stopped drinking, she couldn't deal, and it wasn't because she was shocked at the extent of my drinking, it was because she tentatively admitted that she drank more than she wanted to and was over reliant on it... But wasn't in a place to deal with it. Because of that she cannot see me without seeing her own issues, it made a continuing friendship impossible. I understand, and hope that one day she will come to terms and I will be there for her if she does. I don't know what your friends issues might be, she may just be digesting your news. Give her time and if she is a true friend, she will be back. If not, then you don't need her in your recovery circle. Well done on 60 days.
Cauli, I think InControl has some really sound words there. Without knowing the ins and outs of your interrelationship issues it is impossible to comment specifically. You mention your dad had written a book, could you offer to write a forward and send him a draft of what you would like to say ( in the draft, just write him some of what you want to say to him, the emotional content may open a line of communication between you.
I also have to offer a word, as a misunderstood evil step mom. It took years, and my own counselling to overcome my own issues, before I and my daughter could develop a real relationship. Even now, she prefers to blame me for things rather than accept that her dad might not be perfect or always on her side. She has no idea how many times I have stood her corner with him, getting him to understand her point of view. I had many sleepless nights and we almost split up over her. I am fortunate, I was mature enough and had access to the right kind of counselling to help me recognise how my own issues were standing in the way of a relationship with my girl. Yes, my girl. My daughter in all but genetics is the best thing that ever happened to me, but if I hadn't pushed way out of my comfort zone and recognised my own shortcomings, the relationship would never have happened and she would continue to hate me. The first time my girl told me she loved me is etched on my heart.
I just want you to know that sometimes our vulnerabilities can prevent us risking relationships that have the potential to strengthen us. I am not saying all evil step moms have a loving core, just that this one does!. Feel free to PM if you want to talk more x
HappyH, maybe you can take your friends daughter shopping for a present and stop for cake and a coffee as your way of celebrating her birthday? You could even if you are not too embarrassed, share some of your problem. At her age she is vulnerable to the temptations and social pressures of drink. X
BeFree I hope your cravings passed, it's good you checked in, did you go to a meeting? Reinforcement that you are on the right road will help when cravings kick in.
Hugs all Undies
Key of C I have a friend who I used to always have a great time with over several bottles of wine, just yipping and laughing, but felt like we were close. When I stopped drinking, she couldn't deal, and it wasn't because she was shocked at the extent of my drinking, it was because she tentatively admitted that she drank more than she wanted to and was over reliant on it... But wasn't in a place to deal with it. Because of that she cannot see me without seeing her own issues, it made a continuing friendship impossible. I understand, and hope that one day she will come to terms and I will be there for her if she does. I don't know what your friends issues might be, she may just be digesting your news. Give her time and if she is a true friend, she will be back. If not, then you don't need her in your recovery circle. Well done on 60 days.
Cauli, I think InControl has some really sound words there. Without knowing the ins and outs of your interrelationship issues it is impossible to comment specifically. You mention your dad had written a book, could you offer to write a forward and send him a draft of what you would like to say ( in the draft, just write him some of what you want to say to him, the emotional content may open a line of communication between you.
I also have to offer a word, as a misunderstood evil step mom. It took years, and my own counselling to overcome my own issues, before I and my daughter could develop a real relationship. Even now, she prefers to blame me for things rather than accept that her dad might not be perfect or always on her side. She has no idea how many times I have stood her corner with him, getting him to understand her point of view. I had many sleepless nights and we almost split up over her. I am fortunate, I was mature enough and had access to the right kind of counselling to help me recognise how my own issues were standing in the way of a relationship with my girl. Yes, my girl. My daughter in all but genetics is the best thing that ever happened to me, but if I hadn't pushed way out of my comfort zone and recognised my own shortcomings, the relationship would never have happened and she would continue to hate me. The first time my girl told me she loved me is etched on my heart.
I just want you to know that sometimes our vulnerabilities can prevent us risking relationships that have the potential to strengthen us. I am not saying all evil step moms have a loving core, just that this one does!
. Feel free to PM if you want to talk more xHappyH, maybe you can take your friends daughter shopping for a present and stop for cake and a coffee as your way of celebrating her birthday? You could even if you are not too embarrassed, share some of your problem. At her age she is vulnerable to the temptations and social pressures of drink. X
BeFree I hope your cravings passed, it's good you checked in, did you go to a meeting? Reinforcement that you are on the right road will help when cravings kick in.
Hugs all Undies
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 12
Thanks for all the welcomes
I brought her a cool colouring book, she will love it. I live a couple hours drive away so won't see them for a while.
She knows the dangers. Her mum drinks more than I was, but isn't on the right space to stop right now. We grew up in a community of drinkers. Our parents are and were. It's hard to break away from. But the people I've told are nothing but supportive, it was a nice thought tho. Thanks
I brought her a cool colouring book, she will love it. I live a couple hours drive away so won't see them for a while.
She knows the dangers. Her mum drinks more than I was, but isn't on the right space to stop right now. We grew up in a community of drinkers. Our parents are and were. It's hard to break away from. But the people I've told are nothing but supportive, it was a nice thought tho. Thanks
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Ky
Posts: 2,043
Today is my 60 days <3
Hope everyone has a good weekend. I have a short day at work today then heading to SC with my favorite trucker (husband). He's got to work and lucky for him I like to ride. I'll prolly be a little quieter than normal so yall will get a break from my antics! Lol
Happy weekend and take care of yourselves peeps!
Hope everyone has a good weekend. I have a short day at work today then heading to SC with my favorite trucker (husband). He's got to work and lucky for him I like to ride. I'll prolly be a little quieter than normal so yall will get a break from my antics! Lol
Happy weekend and take care of yourselves peeps!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,286
Welcome to the Undies, Happiness!
Key and Cauli, I see lots of great comments for you here :-)
I'm back from my short trip and recuperating.
Hugs to all of the Undies and congrats on your milestones! Thanks for your kind words, Amp. I don't always feel "weathered" and enjoy all of you here :-)
Key and Cauli, I see lots of great comments for you here :-)
I'm back from my short trip and recuperating.
Hugs to all of the Undies and congrats on your milestones! Thanks for your kind words, Amp. I don't always feel "weathered" and enjoy all of you here :-)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Just a quick check in....
BoozeFree -- This is when a person in recovery needs extra face to face support, a person to call or reach out to, someone to walk them through their struggles.
You don't have to do this alone. You don't get extra points for doing this alone; in fact not everyone who goes it alone makes it.
I needed f2f support. Posting on SR and listening at AA wasn't enough. I had to ask for help. I nope you decide to reach out too.
Originally Posted by BoozeFree 
Hi undies. Just checking in this evening. Kinda having some cravings to drink and just feeling bummed out this evening. Hopefully they will pass.
You don't have to do this alone. You don't get extra points for doing this alone; in fact not everyone who goes it alone makes it.
I needed f2f support. Posting on SR and listening at AA wasn't enough. I had to ask for help. I nope you decide to reach out too.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Central Texas
Posts: 1,501
Thanks for the welcome back Key, gleefan, amp, toots and Dee!
I'm not sure what went wrong. I was doing great for so long. I guess a strong craving hit me and I wasn't prepared for that. Just a major cave in on my part. Right now I really don't have a new plan in place yet. That is something I need to do. Right now I'm just taking it one day at a time.
Congratulations on 60 days Key!!!. That is a big milestone.
I'm not sure what went wrong. I was doing great for so long. I guess a strong craving hit me and I wasn't prepared for that. Just a major cave in on my part. Right now I really don't have a new plan in place yet. That is something I need to do. Right now I'm just taking it one day at a time.
Congratulations on 60 days Key!!!. That is a big milestone.
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