Incontrol15

Once the honey moon is over, life can become a bore. Eh...that doesn't really work here. Well, maybe. The honey moon was a liberating feeling that I finally broke free from years of drug and alcohol abuse.

Now comes the hard work. I have to figure out how to have fun, or how to get relaxed, or how to be sociable. Amp put it best...I have to figure out who I am.

I'm beginning to see that it really doesn't take much effort as much as it takes experience or trial and error. It takes time. Of course I am steering the ship better than before. But I don't have to try so hard to have fun. I don't have to try so hard to be relaxed or to be sociable.

It all depends on my mood. When my mood is poor, I often don't realize it. Takes a little bit for me to see I'm making things worse for myself. When I come to that realization, taking 10-15 minutes, or even 1 minute to close my eyes and feel what I'm feeling. I try to soak it in. Try to figure out what's behind it. HALT maybe? Then I decide...does it have to be this way? Of course not. Then I take a deep breath, open my eyes, put a smile on, then fake it till I make it.

tootsl1

Yeah people know the image we have projected as a drunk, or the person we are drunk. And I guess getting them used to seeing a different us can take time. Sometimes we have to change our circle of friends, though we can't do much about relatives.

I admitted to myself I had a drink problem about a decade before I quit. From that point it was a series of situations, self denial, self loathing, day ones, bargains and fear that ultimately led to my last - fates willing - day one.

One such incident - at a family wedding a nephew who I love bounded up to me during the reception and asked "you pi$$ed yet auntie #?". No malice, just the assumption that I would be. I loathed myself for being 'that relative' the one everyone could rely on to get drunk at family gatherings and dance on tables, hug everyone and talk bulldoody all night. That didn't stop my drinking in and of itself, but it added to the accumulation of self loathing that eventually led to my nadir. Another nephew recently told me how much he admired me for living my life my way. I told him I had wasted far too much of it drunk and would not recommend living life ' my way' to anyone! I also to,d him I was not someone to admire. Well at least I had not been someone to admire, now I think I live a good life, a better way. I'm not there, life is a journey, but it's a better journey, I am a better person and when I meet family now, I don't give a hoot what they might expect from me. I expect more. And I quite enjoy introducing them to the new me, the real me, the me I should have always been.

gleefan

Incontrol -- Wonderful insight! I think you've offered a great tool of stepping away from your reaction to form a response. By sinking into the moment you're struggling, you're able to slow down and change your thinking, to change your response to your struggle.

Im not sure why I never felt liberated, proud or joyful over initially breaking out of substance abuse. Instead I fast forwarded directly to the uncertainty, irritability and depression of trying to live without booze and navigating through people, places and things sober. I can really relate to the struggle others have with figuring all of that out.

The Open House last night went well. I got to meet my son's teacher, see some of his work, and of course catch up with lots of people. I'm one of those people who loves to touch base with everyone I know. While chatting with some the teachers who worked with my oldest for several years, I noticed I had a huge smile on my face. I thought, this time last year I could barely contain my tears. I felt awkward, out of sync with everyone else, and numb. I was between jobs. I couldn't help my kids stay organized or make sure they did their homework. I made them buy lunch every day.

I still have moments when I don't want to help them organize, or am too crunched for time to make lunch. What busy parent of two kids doesn't? The difference is the reason behind it.

Trial and error is what it took, and patience and time, practicing the AA principles, a little bit every day, whether I was struggling or feeling ok, in all areas of my life, to get from where I was, a desperate sober alcoholic, to where I am today, a grateful recovering alcoholic. All of the alcoholics I know help me get here. All we can do is keep working at it, together.

Thanks for this amazing recovery conversation, Undies. It helps me live a good life. I hope it helps you too!

KeyofC

To catch up as I did in the other forums I follow:
Day 58 here! I had to message my soon to be sister in law and tell her I wouldn't be attending her bachelorette party. I told her I am an alcoholic and I am too early in my sobriety to be pushing my limits and attending such a "partying" event. On the invitation it says "lots of drinking games" and then goes on to say "bar hopping". No and no thank you. My sobriety means way too much to me to put myself in such a compromising position. She told me she understood and had noticed I wasn't drinking. I don't know if that's good or bad that she "noticed", Lol. I did tell her that we were coming to the wedding and reception and that all in itself would be another whole issue that even a month out I am a bit concerned with.. -.- Anyway I know I won't drink, I just hate the feeling of "temptation". I don't want to learn to "deal with it", I want it to just go away. Lol
Now I have been invited to attend or sign up with some of my high school girlfriends to party and have bunco nights so we can stay in touch. I am pondering this as well. I am so tempted to reply and say I can't commit to everything, but would like to attend some events. I also would like to explain that I am a recovering alcoholic. I know people invite me sometimes because of my reputation of being wild and free and drinking partying girl. I read that somebody had came to realize they were being invited to certain things because people actually liked them and wanted to spend time around them and it had nothing to do with the drinking. I am hopeful that maybe my childhood friends feel the same.
Anyway long post, I apologize!
For those struggling you are not alone and reach out to someone here..we are here to help you try to get up! Don't give up on yourself. You are important and people want the you that you are meant to be! Give yourself a chance!
((Hug)) to everyone! Happy hump day!

Saskia

KeyOfC, happy to hear you are taking your sobriety very seriously and are setting specific limits. It does get easier over time but early on I have found it helps to avoid drinking situations. I also applaud you for being willing to tell some people why you don't drink. I get concerned when people say they feel they can't possibly tell anyone. Addiction loves hiding.

For me, being open about my addiction has helped me to accept it and deal with it more effectively. When I slipped once in the past 13+ months, I went straight to my pdoc, told him exactly what was going on and got immediate help. That made all the difference. Had I not been able to talk about it, I doubt the outcome would have been the same!

CaseyW

KeyofC, I'm proud of you for putting your recovery first today.

All is good here. Day 132 is ready to go. Off work today. Plan is to run some errands and then take a nap and then play some video games and then to go to my favorite AA meeting this evening. The guy who chairs it has 30+ years sobriety. He has so much compassion and understanding of the alcoholic who still suffers. He's a great example of who I need to emulate in my recovery. His attitude rubs off on all the whole meeting and I always feel so much better after spending an hour in that room.

Incontrol15

That's cool Casey.
I really should find a meeting I like. The only one I went to was pretty sketchy. Although were it was held was pretty cool. It had a full bar (no alcohol obviously). Bar food, tv's, etc. was rather beat up, but neat. I just happen to live where AA was founded. So I'm sure there's some good meetings with folks that I can relate with.

gleefan

Incontrol & Casey - The coolest AA venues I've been to have been out of town. My home group meeting, however, is in a poorly lit church basement! Yet, some of my most profound lessons have come from that room, from the people in that room with a great deal of sobriety under their belts, who like Casey said, exude the best the program has to offer.

KeyofC - Great job protecting your sobriety! I had to say no to a bunch of social activities in early sobriety, and put myself on standby for others. It was hard for me to do - in active addiction I didn't want to miss out on anything - but listening to my intuition on how to heal was the right thing to do.

Early on my intuition was screaming stop, take it easy. I think it was wise to listen what my intuition was telling me.

X's and O's, Undies!

BoozeFree

Amp glad you got thru the wedding event without drinking!

KeyofC good choice passing on the bachelorette party. Sounds like you're doing well.

Glee thanks for always sharing your advice and experiences here with us.

Toots thanks for the kind words and advice. It's much appreciated.

I had a busy day at womp followed by meeting with my counselor again this evening for the 2d time now. He has some good advice and input and I feel very comfortable talking with him.
When I got home I opened my BB and read from the very first page thru Bills story. I slacked a lot last week due to being very sick but no excuse this week as I'm much better except for a lingering cough.
2 weeks sober today and feeling grateful.

tootsl1

BeFree I am glad you are feeling happier in your skin, I am glad you feel you have a good relationship with your counsellor it's hard to work on intimat issues with someone we don't wholeheartedly trust. Don't just read that BB though, get out to some meetings! ( toots finger wag!) x

Ptencik, I thought I had gotten drinking again there for a minute! Hope you get to someone who can read that and go ' with you on that one kiddo'

Glee I often don't comment on your posts, merely because I know you so well, but I should because I know how hard you have worked at your sobriety, how difficult it has been to work sobriety into the parts of your life you can't change, and how much you of you life you have changed to build on your recovery to continue finding the right balance in how to live a new Glee 2.0 life.
I have so much respect for how you have found your inner strength and pushed through. So if I don't comment often, it's not because I don't care, it's because when my sister speaks to a room of folk who don't really know how awesome she is, I just shut up and let them hear you and learn from you. X

Fradley, it was really good to see your post and see how you are getting on. I love your way of seeing things.

Incontrol, I have found that taking a moment to understand our mood and where it is coming from is hugely important in recovery, keep it up!

KeyofC I respect you for being able to be so open about your alcoholism with family members, I have been careful who I share the specifics with ( though of course everyone notices I don't drink anymore ) you are so right to avoid obvious triggers ( or just situations where getting drunk is the main point not just a potential end result. ) as long as you prepare well for the wedding itself you will be fine. I use imagery a lot to palm for those situations, seeing myself happy and having fun, glass of soda in hand...)

Well done all undies on your constant vigilance

KeyofC

Thank you Toots, Booze, Glee, Casey, Saskia!
I feel that from reading about everyone else's lives and situations it helps reflect on my perspective on things. I am so grateful to have found SR. I am thankful my loved ones got so fed up dealing with my crap that they laid it all on the line. My deal is an "all or nothing" deal. If I drink they are seriously done with me. Unless I am done too (I don't foresee that happening) I won't pick up anything knowingly with alcohol in it. I don't want my marriage to end or my kids to walk away. I must've been a real a$$ is all I can conclude because I don't remember a lot of what they refer to as examples. So I am left with figuring out the issues and maturing myself on how I deal with them.
No matter what, hands down I am 100% already a better person even after my young 59 days! I'm shocked at how different I am inside and out. I know I'll have triggers. I know I'll have situations happen, maybe even monumental life changes. That's life in its unpredictability. I pray that I can use all my defenses and exhaust all options to help me deal with it and not ever pick up that drink ever again!
Happy Thursday Unders! Yall rock!

Saskia

Key, you sound really good :-). Although staying sober isn't always easy, the alternative can only be worse. In many ways I believe that for us to take a drink is disrespecting ourselves. We are worth so much more. It sounds like you have your family firmly behind you on this.

KeyofC

I do have their full support and I realize I am one of the lucky ones..Sometimes I have to remind them of what I'm going through and they do me too and I have to remember what we've accomplished and where we came from as well. I say this all the time, but I'm glad I don't have a time frame or a destination to race for. Each day I put one foot in front of the other, I am grateful for.

Cauliflower

I am getting caught here, still have a couple more pages to read, but I just have to say that I love this! It's how I've been feeling lately. I demand respect and from others because I respect myself. People are going to see a whole different side of me very soon.

Cauliflower

After a having a great week emotionally, I woke up this morning feeling kind of down. I loved reading all the posts here, very uplifting. I realize now that my feelings (be them happy, sad, remorse, anger, etc) are stronger. I Feel. And it's a good thing, because I am aware, but now I have to deal with them.

I said I woke up feeling kind of down, and while reading these posts I remembered my dream. It was of my father and his wife. Not to bring anybody down with a sad story, but it's something I feel I need to share today. He is dying, and having lost my mother a few years ago to cancer, I feel as though I am slipping emotionally. I remember those days of looking after my mother when she was so sick, trying to come to terms to saying goodbye, trying to help her emotionally, and trying to juggle my own grief. I wanted to let her know that she is loved and that I would be ok. (BTW, the time I spent with my mother during her illness is some of my most cherished memories with her. We just lied around in bed talking and laughing.) I did not want her to leave this world without telling her what was on my mind. I did not want to have to carry burden around about saying what I wanted to say to her when I still had a chance. This is how I am feeling now with my fathers illness. He is still healthy enough to live his life, but I know he is slowing down. This man is accomplished. He has won achievement awards all his life, he is publishing a book, and he is my hero and I love him dearly. My problem is this, I feel as though he is neglecting his family by siding with his wife who is evil, inside and out. We've had a drunken discussion/fight about this issue last year, and it seems to have put a wedge into our relationship. We just agreed to disagree in the end. I had a dream last night that shook me. I was supposed to get into a car with them, she was driving but I didn't want to go. She became angry, and sped away while the door was still open and I was not in the car properly, and I was screaming at her! I wanted out, while she was driving crazy and almost hit a wall or something. When she stopped, I jumped out and my father was clearly angry, but he was angry at me for wanting out and not going with them. When in my reality, he should have been angry with her who was the nut job that nearly killed us.

I know I need to talk to my father, because selfish or not, I can't carry the burden after he is gone. It sucks. I don't want to hurt him, and I feel I put this off for so long (20 years), I just don't know if he has enough time left to have to deal with my crappy feelings. I want him to live his last remaining day happy, even with a crazy loony toon by his side. But I can't accept her, at least I feel like I can't today.

Enough of the doldrums, tears are shed, I need to get on with my day. Feels good to just get it out, and sorry for just dumping here. I read your posts and I feel like some of you are speaking in tones of a gentle elderly soul and I am a little child ready to crawl into your arms and take it all in, so I feel safe sharing my feelings today.

Dee74

Cauli I reckon if you've put it off for 20 years, then a little more time to sort out how you feel and put it into words is probably a good idea?

I think regardless of your dad and his wife and any problems, you're a fine human being who clearly cares for others - you turned out great

D

Saskia

(((Cauli))), we are here for you!

KeyofC

I am on the fence about something currently active in my life this second. I was invited to bunco and "drinking" with women I went to school with all my life. I pondered on this several days and finally I reached out to one whom was my best friend during the most of it and had started the invite (which had included myself in the group). I told her I was an alcoholic and would love to commit but I am early in my sobriety and that it came first. I told her I'd I'd like to be involved just couldn't commit to each time kind of thing. I said that I was doing well and was introducing social activities a little at a time again. After pouring my heart out to her, she didn't reply!
are you serious here?
Help me understand. I am southern and on my end (gullible and too kind hearted) and God help me I think I am expecting things and I'm gonna get hurt!

waywardson8260

Hi everyone, I haven't posted here in a long time, and of course there was a relapse involved. It is tough but I am making another push to stay sober and haven't had drink in five days. I have to do this. My life depends on it.

I have gotten a lot of support here and hope I have returned the favor to many. It is good to be back here.

Saskia

(((Key)))! I'm sorry to hear that you didn't get a response. Perhaps she doesn't know what to say? I think we always take a chance but I also think that hiding can be problematic. Perhaps it might work better to share just a bit and only elaborate if asked?

Wayward son, welcome back! Sorry to hear you relapsed but good for coming back. We're happy to support you in your efforts to stay sober!