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One Year and Under Club Part 48

Old 09-13-2015, 01:14 AM
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BeFree you are in a danger zone, feeling alone and lonely, ill and ill used, it would be very tempting to turn to the one permanent friend who is always there and never judges you. I feel, having gotten to know you more personally over time, that you fear hurt so much that you rarely put your feelings on the line. I totally understand that because I have been like that most my life. The problem is that if we don't risk sharing ourselves with others, they can find it hard to share with us.

Also perhaps your sober friends are worrried about being able to maintain their own sobriety around someone who has relapsed recently. I know how you felt when you had a lot of sober months behind you and a friend relapsed, it shook you quite a bit.

I really feel that you need to push yourself out of your comfort zone and find yourself a sponsor. I feel you have a need to feel accountable for your sobriety and at the moment I'm not getting that you care enough about yourself to be accountable to you alone.
I really care for you sweetie, we have been through a lot together, I want what is best for you, I want what makes you happy. Booze doesn't make you happy, it makes you feel guilty and more alone. You have been doing so well, please don't allow your natural inclination to isolate get in the way of your recovery. ((BF))

KeyofC letting go, putting our faith in HP is such a hard thing to do. We feel the need to protect ourselves, defend ourselves and we can do that by controlling. But we also restrict ourselves by doing that. When faced with a situation, think about what the worst thing that could happen would be and what you would do to manage that. Sometimes just knowing that you can deal with whatever happens gives you the freedom to allow control to slip.

Growth in sobriety only needs to happen in small steps. Don't run at the mountain, play in the foothills for a while.
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Old 09-13-2015, 04:52 AM
  # 122 (permalink)  
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Thanks, Toots. You have a great deal of practical wisdom and understanding of human nature. I so much appreciate your contributions to these threads. You share yourself and inspire others.
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Old 09-13-2015, 06:54 AM
  # 123 (permalink)  
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72 days~ I caved on this day the last time I quit. When I make it through today, I will have a new personal milestone of 73 days. Thanks to all for your kind words and support. Without you, this wouldn't have been possible. Have a great day/night. ((hugs))~~Ang
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Old 09-13-2015, 08:39 AM
  # 124 (permalink)  
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That's fantastic Ang. Go for it!!
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Old 09-13-2015, 08:41 AM
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Good going and - you can do this!

For me, the going really did get easier with time. I still stay mindful but cravings are minimal and rare. My thinking has gotten so much clearer. I used to feel like there was no time gap between craving and picking up. After a lot of practice, now when I even think about it I automatically also think about all the downsides of drinking and then the slight urge disappears.
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Old 09-13-2015, 08:50 AM
  # 126 (permalink)  
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You've got this, angd!

And, saskia, I couldn't agree more with your post. I think maybe the most valuable tool I've picked up this time around is the ability to "pause" when those thoughts/cravings hit. That pause gives me a chance to really evaluate my thinking and remember all the reasons I don't want to drink. And, of course, that pause gives me a chance to ask for help.
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Old 09-13-2015, 11:11 AM
  # 127 (permalink)  
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Angd - Way to go! I couldn't agree more about the power of helping each other. I am grateful beyond words for everyone here.

Saskia - I'm blushing!.... Interesting point about the duration between a craving and a drink.

Casey - Even better point about using that time to seek help.

BeFree - I hope today's a better day.
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Old 09-14-2015, 06:20 PM
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So I do door to door sales. Met a guy today who was an all day drunk. 63 male. His wife was a drunk. She died 2wks ago. Heart attack.

He said beer was his favorite food. Never had the desire to quit. Her favorite beer was Bush. There was 2 empty 12 packs on the porch. Empties everywhere.

He was shaking. He cracked open a tall beer can and spilled some before the can got to his lips from the shaking. Smelled bad. Pee stain on his jeans. Guy looked 10yrs older.

So glad that's not going to be me!
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Old 09-14-2015, 07:32 PM
  # 129 (permalink)  
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Incontrol - What a sad story. I'm glad that's not you too!
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Old 09-14-2015, 11:29 PM
  # 130 (permalink)  
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Ang way to go!

Incontrol that's very sad about that guy.

Toots thanks. Lots of good points in your post.

Yesterday I hung out with 2 sober friends and did some shopping and hung out. Today I ended up womping even tho it was supposed to be my day off. After work I went shopping and helped my friends put together some stuff and met a couple of their friends who are also sober and in the program. It was nice to have fun with a group of sober people and and eat pizza. I have never hung out with a little group of sober people before.
Tomorrow I am womp free. Going with my friend to drop off her friend at the airport. And then I have some reading to get done in my BB before I meet with my counselor person Wednesday. Tomorrow night I have my moms bday dinner to go to. Hopefully I will get in a little time to relax as well.

Ready for bed and grateful to be sober!
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Old 09-15-2015, 12:14 AM
  # 131 (permalink)  
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Hey all! Not much from me recently but doing OK. Still sober though struggled a bit both last week on my birthday and at a wedding last weekend. A strong reminder that 5 months (on the 20th) is still very early days and to not let my guard down.

In part I feel I am struggling due to tiredness and stress. Work is absolutely crazy and it's been 12 hour shifts for over 2 weeks. Couple that with 10 hours on the road last weekend and it's no surprise I feel like I'm cracking up!!! Well, I hope things will calm down soon!!!

All the best to all of you!
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Old 09-15-2015, 04:46 AM
  # 132 (permalink)  
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Bfree - You sound happy. It's great to see you getting into the sober groove.

Amp - I have a family wedding this weekend. Last family wedding I went to was a few years ago and I was pretty drunk. Prior to that I hadn't had the opportunity to drink at any of the family events for a while. After the wedding my aunt told my mom how happy she was to see me act "more like myself". My extended family is chock full of alcoholics who applaud each other for getting drunk. Truth be told I don't remember much about that night, except that I felt sick for two days afterwards and hoped and prayed that I didn't talk too much. I also remember that my husband was annoyed with me, as was often the case when I drank at parties.

In any event it occurred to me yesterday that I hadn't made a sober plan for this weekend's wedding. Then when I read what you posted, it reminded me that like you I am in the early days of this sober journey, and a sober plan is in order. Thank you for that!

I'm not worried that I'll trigger, but I need to make sure that I take good care of myself by remembering that I don't need to be a good sport by humoring a bunch of drunk people. I can explain my plan to my husband, tell him that I have no intention of watching him get drunk, and leave if I feel bored or isolated.

Sounds simple, but it's taken me months and months to develop the self assurance to take this approach.
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Old 09-15-2015, 05:31 AM
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Well done Glee! Good idea to get a plan together! I had to pretend to be asleep at the reception to survive in the end. Not ideal. Most people, ironically, thought I was drunk!!! (Can't really blame them though going on past history!) They were very surprised to see me driving later! Was it a good idea??/Be careful!...They were pretty surprised to find I hadn't touched a drop!
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Old 09-15-2015, 06:30 AM
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I am just chugging along. No depression. No anxiety. No excessive worrying. Everything is pretty quiet so why wake the sleeping bear? I see no need. Hope everyone is doing well ((hug)) and to anyone struggling hang in there it will get better! ((hug)) to you too!
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Old 09-15-2015, 10:51 AM
  # 135 (permalink)  
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Amp - If I pretended to sleep around people who knew me as a drinker, no one would think twice.

I'm glad you got through the wedding, although I think it will be helpful to determine what you were avoiding by pretending to sleep when you come up with a plan for next time.

KeyofC - Glad you're well. When I'm feeling good I continue to work on my recovery, as much as I do when I'm struggling. I find that I can make progress on my issues/isms when things are going along smoothly and with that strengthened foundation, there are fewer times of struggle.

I also reach out to other alcoholics. I don't have any great wisdom to impart, but I can offer friendship or camaraderie with other alcoholics, or provide service to AA with coffee or meeting set up.

No need to poke the bear, but you can pet it, and you might learn to peacefully coexist.
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Old 09-15-2015, 12:16 PM
  # 136 (permalink)  
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I guess, Glee, I was trying to avoid being around people having fun while drinking. I feel stressed not being able to drink and it's too much. I can't pretend to be having a good time for very long. I feel awkward socially now. People expect something different from me and I've got nothing to give. I'm OK one to one or in small groups when the drinking is light but some stuff is too much. Much too much. I guess I'm not the person people thought I was. There's a big identity issue here and it's a bit scary...
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Old 09-15-2015, 01:55 PM
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Hello everyone,

I have been checking in every day and following along with interest.

I love the collective voice of this group. Proud of our achievements, yet consciously vulnerable. Aware of the fragility of what we have, daring to tiptoe forward into what will be ( is already ) a happier place, yet unable to avoid glancing in the rear view mirror at the wreck from which we have somehow managed to wriggle free.

That's me anyway. I can do whatever I like so long as I don't drink and that includes mixing metaphors !

I totally get Amps int about having nothing to offer - but would add the codicil "nothing to offer drunk people".

I have got over my fear of bars recently and have re-joined the lads for a beer after my Tuesday lnight soccer game. Softe drinks for me of course. They don't even notice anymore that Ian not drinking. But I notice that they talk the same old **** each week - as I did too when I drank - but now. It sll seems a bit facile and pointless.

Tonight I made my excuses and drove home and helped put the kiddies to bed. My one year old daughter was grumpy and I lay with her and walked her around in my arms for a good half an hour.

There is nothing lovelier than a little soul slowly drifting off to sleep and I felt so grateful I have been able to experience this part of life. I never dreamed I would be a dad even ten years ago.

The truth is a few short months ago I would have performed the same task with a degree of irritation willing my daughter to sleep so I could get back downstairs to gulp a (nother) large glass of wine to take the edge off my 'stressful' day.

Tonight I had all the time she needed and more.

It's day 101 today, and I think this moment is all the reward I need.

Go well everyone.

Fradley
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Old 09-15-2015, 02:38 PM
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What a nice post, Fradley. Lots of great rewards in the small everyday moments of life we missed in our drinking. Glad you're still doing good.
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Old 09-15-2015, 02:40 PM
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Tootsl1 I missed your comment somehow. Thank you for your thoughts. Anything that's offered I think about because it's the outside looking in. I can't see the trees for the forest (is that right? Lol).
I'm so grateful for SR and for all of you sharing. Thank you!
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Old 09-15-2015, 03:47 PM
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Toots - I missed your comments too. Great advice and insight, as always.

Fradley - It's magic when sobriety becomes the inherent reward. Glad you're feeling well.

Amp - I can relate to what you're saying. I felt lost and awkward at social events when I stopped drinking. I grew into my sober skin, though, and I no longer find myself fumbling like I did in the beginning. In fact, I may even be starting to feel stronger than I ever imagined I could.

After I stopped drinking, my alcoholic thinking didn't immediately disappear. I've got to attend my son's school open house. When I drank I felt like something I've got to endure while waiting to drink. After I stopped drinking it was something to endure while I waited to get home to dwell on my depression. It took practice and time to tease out that thinking. Like Toots said, small steps. Tonight, I'm totally fine with going. Sobriety is my reward, too.
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