TroyW

Thinking about it, I don't think I've ever seen my dad cry. He's a pretty reserved type of guy. Must be the German in him. I've seen my mom cry quite a few times, but don't think I've ever seen my dad. Poor guy.

As for myself, if I want to cry, I'll cry. I have to be honest, I could really care less what anyone thinks of me over it. I'm pretty sure I've been through enough in life to validate it once in a while.

Wow, this sure quickly turned into an awkward conversation, eh? heh.

PennyLane76

I very rarely cry, and thats not a good thing!

hopeful54

Hi Gjess,

Today is my day 4. Definitely taking it one day at a time. I'm just focusing on going to bed sober and waking up actually looking forward to the day!

TroyW

I already know, this won't go over well.

How immoral is it to straight up buy a boyfriend? That's basically what I'm about to do. He's from out of town, and coming on the 26th.

I'm sorry, but I have absolutely zero desire for a long-term relationship. I've been through 2 now, and you know... you end up living together for years, have joint bank accounts, share your lives, etc... then if / when things go south, it can take a lot out of you, especially if you're the bread winner. I just simply don't have the energy to go through that again.

My ex-husband has a Ukranian girlfriend now, eh? LOL. Not sure how he expects that to work out, but whatever, his life, not mine. That's actually the whole reason our relationship ended. We moved to Hungary (his home country), and he decided he no longer wants to be gay, and definitely wasn't willing to tell any of his childhood friends he was gay, so under the bus I went.

I even got the guy permanent residency status to Canada, which is no easy task. Then he just pissed it away as if it didn't matter. Gee, thanks honey. Then as for the relationship here, I don't know what I was thinking, and that was my own fault. Guess I was searching for the polar opposite of what I previously had, and definitely found it, but wasn't quite what I was expecting, so 3 years later, that ended.

So now I find myself sitting here lonely, living with 2 really cool dogs who love me to no end, and have no desire for an actual relationship. He wants money, I want companionship, so I figure F it, it works. He's totally fine with it, so not sure what's bugging me so much. You know, I'll rent him a nice apartment in the city, get him setup properly with a nice kitchen, lots of food, good internet, etc. I'm a good guy, and he'll be well taken care of, but I just don't want to get deeply involved with someone, that's all.

I don't know...

Dee74

You're an adult Troy, you can do what you want providing it's legal.

I do wonder whether this isn't dealing with the symptoms rather than the root of the problem tho?

D

TroyW

Yeah, people are assholes is the root of the problem. Too many people out there view kindness as weakness, so I've had no choice but to shut myself off.

Back in my younger years, everyone always told me I'm too nice for my own good, and they were right. I can't just go out there and be myself, because I'll get picked apart by vultures.

And yes, of course everything is legal. He's 23.

Dee74

Not my day for speaking my opinion I guess.

D

TroyW

heh, I didn't mean you Dee. Come on, I like you to no end, and know you're a good guy.

Was absolutely nothing against you personally, and my apologies if you took it that way. Was just talking from past life experiences, that's all.

Dee74

Thank Troy - I'm a little twitchy today.

I didn't mean anything by the legal thing either - if I say people can do whatever they want, I'd probably get PMs about it, so I qualified...it was not any kind of slur against you

I'm unconvinced this will solve any of your problems, and I'm worried it might bring you a few more - but I always wish you the best

D

Willow3

Day 21. 3 weeks and I'm as determined as ever. My husband had some beers left over ( from like last Christmas! ) he asked last night If I minded that he had one. I really didn't. I don't like beer anyway. But I didn't get a pang for a glass of wine or anything like that. Sure enough he had the one and that was that. Makes me realise what a problem I really had once I started I just always wanted to keep going.
I'm truly starting to see alcohol as a waste of my time. It adds nothing to my life only takes away. I was remembering back to my college days. Did so many stupid dangerous things. I had blocked out a lot of that.

Invited to a hen party in a month and doubt I will go. Not ready.

DitzyDandelion

Troy whatever works for you hun. My only concern is you already feel uncomfortable with the idea. This suggests that while on paper it fills what you think you need perhaps it isn't? Only you know what your comfy with but the idea is to make you feel better with no complications and risks and yet you already feel wary and unsettled by it.

DitzyDandelion

Day 13 starting out here. Oh it's Friday does that make it a kind of Friday 13th.

TroyW

Nah, I'm mostly fine with it. It's just the fact of basically buying a human is kinda rude, isn't it? He's totally up for it though, so not sure why I'm bothered so much.

I'd give anything to have someone to love and be backed by though, you know? That's what I really want, but this life has taught me it's easier said than done. With my first marriage, I was honestly up for it, you know? That whole forever and always thing? I was up for it. Didn't matter to me how old, ugly, or fat he got, I would have honestly loved him every single day until death due us apart.

Once we moved to Europe though, he quite obviously decided differently. To make matters worse, he strung me along for years, and I was stupid enough to fall for it. He constantly said how much he loved me, he wanted forever and always, and blah blah... but his actions never accounted for it.

I was an idiot, and did stupid **** like moved myself to Malta, and flew us between Budapest to Malta, to try and salvage things. He just took it, and didn't care in the slightest. Now he apparently has some Ukranian girlfriend, so who knows. I hope she doesn't get too hurt, because there's zero chance he can sustain that relationship.

I don't know. I wish I could just go out in this world, and be the good person I am, but I can't do that. I just get taken advantage of if I do. Like it or not, we all have to keep our guard up, and that's just the way things work.

DitzyDandelion

Oh Troy sweetie. You may find as your sober longer and more secure in yourself you find that part of you that is willing to trust again. I do hope so. My problem is the opposite I leap in and trust again too easily and wind up ignoring the little red flags that tell 'no sweetheart this is not the one, run.'

I hope we both find that special someone some day but first we both have to find ourselves. Our men, wherever they are out there, are just going to have to wait for us. We deserve someone special but we also deserve to love ourselves.

MilitiARGH

Getting **** done and feeling alright. Strange feeling.

bblackbirdflyy

Failed again. I'm heading to Dr tomorrow to talk about getting on an antidepressant.... possibly antabuse.

DitzyDandelion

hugs blackbird.

KeyofC

Sobriety 32! Counting does helps and gives me a reason to say Yay to myself. For those struggling hang in there. It does get better, there's nothing anyone can say that will make you do the right thing, it's hard and pushing through it doing anything except grabbing that drink or drug of choice is how to push through. I have but my jaws and sat on my hands to get through the urge. Whatever works as long as it's not a habit that will replace alcoholism that's not good for you. I have to be careful of replacing one bad thing with another as its in my nature. I quit smoking and drinking got worse that was 8 years ago. I'm being real careful to not replace my alcoholism with say good or something else that's an addictive behavior.
Congrats to those pushing on through! Gotta get ready for work! Happy Friday!
Ps just my thoughts maybe it'll make sense to someone! ��

Dee74

I think any new approach is worth pursuing BBF. Hope the appointment goes well

D

JL2014

I have to agree w Ditz . It sounds like you might be feeling wary of the idea. Man I don't want anyone to feel bad and go drink over something. When I'm not in the center of something, I can see that it, or most anything, is not worth drinking over.