Class of July 2015 Part 6
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 654
On forgiveness Key I find I forgive others fairly easily, though sometimes hurt is still there I can't stay mad at people really. I do have a tough time giving myself the same level of forgiveness though. I really need to work on that.
A change can be great BBB.
It's jsut part of the process FABL. You have no idea really what they are thinking or feeling and at the end of the day no matter what they feel it does not de value you as a person. You know in your head it was an unhealthy situation and that by yourself or perhaps someone in the future will do you more good. I think no matter how much you know in your head you have to go once the dust settles and you look around you will grieve a little. There will be a moment you suddenly feel lonely and scared. Well hell you know how much I suddenly stressed about being alone and unlovable. I think that was a double whammy of the sudden ending of something I wanted and I had also reached the point where the ending of the longer relationship had really started to work through me. It still is and like you with that I had a complete sense of calm and relief about it. I still do to a degree but when you have spent years with someone your brain has to adjust. No matter how much you know you did the right thing. It is a lot of change we are both going through in a very short period of time and if it never scared us or made us insecure it would be very odd indeed. I think it will just take time to work through all the complicated feelings.
On the thinking of drinking to get through the day, I can see how that worries you. It could so easily slip from thinking to drinking. I guess what we need is to think up some better ways of coping with stress during the work day huh. Huge hugs and I hope that ramble made sense. I have a splitting headache and can't read it back to myself. lol
A change can be great BBB.
It's jsut part of the process FABL. You have no idea really what they are thinking or feeling and at the end of the day no matter what they feel it does not de value you as a person. You know in your head it was an unhealthy situation and that by yourself or perhaps someone in the future will do you more good. I think no matter how much you know in your head you have to go once the dust settles and you look around you will grieve a little. There will be a moment you suddenly feel lonely and scared. Well hell you know how much I suddenly stressed about being alone and unlovable. I think that was a double whammy of the sudden ending of something I wanted and I had also reached the point where the ending of the longer relationship had really started to work through me. It still is and like you with that I had a complete sense of calm and relief about it. I still do to a degree but when you have spent years with someone your brain has to adjust. No matter how much you know you did the right thing. It is a lot of change we are both going through in a very short period of time and if it never scared us or made us insecure it would be very odd indeed. I think it will just take time to work through all the complicated feelings.
On the thinking of drinking to get through the day, I can see how that worries you. It could so easily slip from thinking to drinking. I guess what we need is to think up some better ways of coping with stress during the work day huh. Huge hugs and I hope that ramble made sense. I have a splitting headache and can't read it back to myself. lol
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Athens, GA
Posts: 737
Ugh, keyofc and fabl, sounds like y'all are almost talking about the same dilemma...forgiving and letting go. It's really hard for me and at this point I tend to just shut down when faced with resentment, heartache or regret. It's so frightening for me to let go of what I can't control while still loving someone, that I choose to just shut them out. As for forgiving myself, I guess I tried to shut myself out with the booze. I still tend to embrace hardship and accept bad luck as cosmic punishment. I was raised to believe I am bad, and a burden, by very overwhelmed and unprepared parents. It's gonna be a long road healing from this mindset. I keep reading books like The Four Agreements and The Power of Now, hoping it'll really sink in. It's good to have a place where these discussions are happening, thank you.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Auckland
Posts: 2,548
Yes, it is so great to have a place like this. Wow - that embracing hardship and bad luck as cosmic punishment struck a chord, and for similar reasons.
I think you're so right BBB that as addicts we have trained ourselves to run away from pain. Too true.
FABL, it's so hard to say when we don't really know your relationship, but like DD, I would agree that from what you have written it has sounded like you are better off without him. I think that initial "thank God, I'm free" response is probably the more accurate, and now some time has elapsed you are questioning it. I did the same when my marriage broke up, but 20 years later I can see, and deep down I knew even then, it wasn't ever going to work. I think the early days after breaking up with someone are really hard - just no getting around it. Even though it's difficult, you are actually making progress by moving through this period. You are absolutely, without question, 100%, entirely lovable.
KeyofC, I have just recently had a huge personal insight about forgiveness, and that is that for me, forgiving myself and forgiving others are inextricably connected. It's not really a question of one coming first, just that they both have to happen in order for the other to be there, if that makes sense. As has been said before, it doesn't mean that whatever happened was 'okay'. It's bringing understanding and compassion to the table, imho.
Bob - don't talk to me about forms. I have an irrational fear of them. My head starts doing 360s and I start vomiting green bile as soon as I look at one :-)
I think you're so right BBB that as addicts we have trained ourselves to run away from pain. Too true.
FABL, it's so hard to say when we don't really know your relationship, but like DD, I would agree that from what you have written it has sounded like you are better off without him. I think that initial "thank God, I'm free" response is probably the more accurate, and now some time has elapsed you are questioning it. I did the same when my marriage broke up, but 20 years later I can see, and deep down I knew even then, it wasn't ever going to work. I think the early days after breaking up with someone are really hard - just no getting around it. Even though it's difficult, you are actually making progress by moving through this period. You are absolutely, without question, 100%, entirely lovable.
KeyofC, I have just recently had a huge personal insight about forgiveness, and that is that for me, forgiving myself and forgiving others are inextricably connected. It's not really a question of one coming first, just that they both have to happen in order for the other to be there, if that makes sense. As has been said before, it doesn't mean that whatever happened was 'okay'. It's bringing understanding and compassion to the table, imho.
Bob - don't talk to me about forms. I have an irrational fear of them. My head starts doing 360s and I start vomiting green bile as soon as I look at one :-)
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,366
As addicts the problem Is that we have trained ourselves to run away from all pain
This is what I've been dealing with the past week or longer. I'm not used to all these feelings and thoughts. My husband even thinks I'm distant but I haven't really tried to tell him what's going on. I hope this roller coaster levels out soon.
This is what I've been dealing with the past week or longer. I'm not used to all these feelings and thoughts. My husband even thinks I'm distant but I haven't really tried to tell him what's going on. I hope this roller coaster levels out soon.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 780
been lurking, been trying to keep up on most of the post. Still kicking around at day 50. I remember last time I made some distance, days 50-60 were really hard and took a bit to get thru. Same seems to be true this time. Last couple days have been hard. We need to just remember how its not ok to go back and how long it took to even get this far..
Keep calm and sober on.....
Keep calm and sober on.....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Auckland
Posts: 2,548
Stay strong, everyone....ya'll doing so well!
Mr TS and I are going to see 'Amy' tonight. Really looking forward to it. Saw the latest Kurt Cobain doco 'Montage of Heck' a while back, but I was very disappointed. Nothing new. Thought it was overrated, and the theatre had the sound up way too loud. I find planning to see a movie a great way to avoid drinking, as alcohol ruins movies (like everything else). Having said that, I have ruined a few movies by drinking before them. I sit there thinking "Concentrate. Concentrate. You WILL remember!" Nope. Wasn't such a bad thing with Eyes Wide Shut though. From the little I remember, I'm glad to have forgotten most of it. Anyway, our weekend begins tonight down here in Australasia. Only one more day to go for some of you....woo hoo!!!
Mr TS and I are going to see 'Amy' tonight. Really looking forward to it. Saw the latest Kurt Cobain doco 'Montage of Heck' a while back, but I was very disappointed. Nothing new. Thought it was overrated, and the theatre had the sound up way too loud. I find planning to see a movie a great way to avoid drinking, as alcohol ruins movies (like everything else). Having said that, I have ruined a few movies by drinking before them. I sit there thinking "Concentrate. Concentrate. You WILL remember!" Nope. Wasn't such a bad thing with Eyes Wide Shut though. From the little I remember, I'm glad to have forgotten most of it. Anyway, our weekend begins tonight down here in Australasia. Only one more day to go for some of you....woo hoo!!!
Rehydrating to Oblivion.
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 1,332
Morning all
Day 37 here. I just still can't get over how well I'm sleeping. 8 hours without even waking up! I've not had this for about 5 years. It's been one of the biggest things for me this time round.
It's my nephews third birthday today so all the family are coming round tonight for a meal. Should be interesting as I am expecting a house full. Nobody will be drinking though so no worries there. Off for my counseling soon. I did some forgiveness mindfulness / meditation after I woke up this morning and feel very calm
B
Day 37 here. I just still can't get over how well I'm sleeping. 8 hours without even waking up! I've not had this for about 5 years. It's been one of the biggest things for me this time round.
It's my nephews third birthday today so all the family are coming round tonight for a meal. Should be interesting as I am expecting a house full. Nobody will be drinking though so no worries there. Off for my counseling soon. I did some forgiveness mindfulness / meditation after I woke up this morning and feel very calm
B
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 1,462
Thanks DD Upward and TS, I am feeling better today. Worries about the weekend but I know drinking will just make everything worse.
As far as that relationship goes, I think I just have to accept and be prepared for moments or days of falling into my old thoughts And feelings regarding him. I'm really do know that he is toxic for me. Love shouldn't make you feel desperate, jealous and insecure. After years of taking the blame and holding on so tight, it's only natural to have those old thoughts creep in every now and again,.
Just trying to stay the course.
As far as that relationship goes, I think I just have to accept and be prepared for moments or days of falling into my old thoughts And feelings regarding him. I'm really do know that he is toxic for me. Love shouldn't make you feel desperate, jealous and insecure. After years of taking the blame and holding on so tight, it's only natural to have those old thoughts creep in every now and again,.
Just trying to stay the course.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 132
Start of sober day 49.
Glad to hear from you HFA. I know some folks question the whole day-counting thing. For me every sober day is a mini-victory and a small step towards healing. I keep track also as our brains continue to heal, neurotransmitters achieve balance, receptors regain some of their sensitivity, cerebrovascular fluid increases, and gyri and sulci (lobes of our brains) literally begin to heal and add brain matter. I think people forget how much physical stuff is happening while they are getting sober. Of course the psychological side is what KEEPS us from taking the hammer back out and smashing our brains.
Last time I had a crisis around 80 days and had blown it by 91. All events were internal. I know that 90 days is a critical point in sobriety too in general.
Tooshabby, I have pulled out a several old movies and enjoyed watching them sober as if they were new to me! Way too many movies are fuzzy in my memory from the past.
Have a great Friday folks!
Glad to hear from you HFA. I know some folks question the whole day-counting thing. For me every sober day is a mini-victory and a small step towards healing. I keep track also as our brains continue to heal, neurotransmitters achieve balance, receptors regain some of their sensitivity, cerebrovascular fluid increases, and gyri and sulci (lobes of our brains) literally begin to heal and add brain matter. I think people forget how much physical stuff is happening while they are getting sober. Of course the psychological side is what KEEPS us from taking the hammer back out and smashing our brains.
Last time I had a crisis around 80 days and had blown it by 91. All events were internal. I know that 90 days is a critical point in sobriety too in general.
Tooshabby, I have pulled out a several old movies and enjoyed watching them sober as if they were new to me! Way too many movies are fuzzy in my memory from the past.
Have a great Friday folks!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 654
Originally Posted by forabetterlife 
Thanks DD Upward and TS, I am feeling better today. Worries about the weekend but I know drinking will just make everything worse.
As far as that relationship goes, I think I just have to accept and be prepared for moments or days of falling into my old thoughts And feelings regarding him. I'm really do know that he is toxic for me. Love shouldn't make you feel desperate, jealous and insecure. After years of taking the blame and holding on so tight, it's only natural to have those old thoughts creep in every now and again,.
Just trying to stay the course.
As far as that relationship goes, I think I just have to accept and be prepared for moments or days of falling into my old thoughts And feelings regarding him. I'm really do know that he is toxic for me. Love shouldn't make you feel desperate, jealous and insecure. After years of taking the blame and holding on so tight, it's only natural to have those old thoughts creep in every now and again,.
Just trying to stay the course.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,697
I am very proud of everyone.
I can relate your struggles with forgiveness. We can onlyrics change the present so we must forgive, forget anso make new better memories. Still summer time here and I am proud to stay sober during the summer. Longer days, bbq and feel good atmosphere is dangerous.
I I agree with you Bob as I still do not trust myself since I too relapsed twice last year. It was all mental. Stay focused 1 day at a time. Let the urges pass .
Toki, DD, FABL, Jillian, Toadie, Tooshabby, BBB, Bob, Sadie and everyone elselse thanks for sharing. I feel connected and motivated by your posts.
Dee as always thanks for your guidance. My av doesn't like you but I do
Have a great day and happy weekend!!
I can relate your struggles with forgiveness. We can onlyrics change the present so we must forgive, forget anso make new better memories. Still summer time here and I am proud to stay sober during the summer. Longer days, bbq and feel good atmosphere is dangerous.
I I agree with you Bob as I still do not trust myself since I too relapsed twice last year. It was all mental. Stay focused 1 day at a time. Let the urges pass .
Toki, DD, FABL, Jillian, Toadie, Tooshabby, BBB, Bob, Sadie and everyone elselse thanks for sharing. I feel connected and motivated by your posts.
Dee as always thanks for your guidance. My av doesn't like you but I do
Have a great day and happy weekend!!
SD 7/3/15 SRJD 7/14/15
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: The Jersey Shore
Posts: 316
Welcome HFA!
Well, today is our last full day here at Killens Pond State Park. It's been a very goo (sober) trip with the MIL. She asked me yesterday at dinner how I was doing with the drinking (I guess she thought maybe I was drinking on the trip). I assured her everything was good!
Have a great weekend everyone!
Well, today is our last full day here at Killens Pond State Park. It's been a very goo (sober) trip with the MIL. She asked me yesterday at dinner how I was doing with the drinking (I guess she thought maybe I was drinking on the trip). I assured her everything was good!
Have a great weekend everyone!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: the driftless zone
Posts: 1,017
Hi Julyers,
Still in a bit of a funk (yup, the pink cloud is not here this time), but I would also like to thank you all for your honest sharings...
As part of teacher workshops for this year, we have been learning about QPR- response to possibly suicidal students. Filled with regret, which I know is unreasonable but...
TS- thanks, I thought I was really freakish about smoking.
I'm hanging in there. I hope you all are too.
Have a great day/night everyone.
Still in a bit of a funk (yup, the pink cloud is not here this time), but I would also like to thank you all for your honest sharings...
As part of teacher workshops for this year, we have been learning about QPR- response to possibly suicidal students. Filled with regret, which I know is unreasonable but...
TS- thanks, I thought I was really freakish about smoking.
I'm hanging in there. I hope you all are too.
Have a great day/night everyone.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Athens, GA
Posts: 737
Headed in to work after 2 days off. Wish I could have 2 weeks to stay home and read! Today I will be present for, but not affected by, whatever comes through the door. I will not drink alcohol today. I will not punish myself verbally or physically today. To all of you beginning your weekend, hope it's a great one!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Liverpool, UK
Posts: 267
Hey Class! I didn't want to miss two days in a row of posting, so I'm just dropping into to say 'hi!'. I've been really busy both at work and at home, and my sobriety is becoming something that I'm happily accepting rather than struggling with.
My key word since I (re)started this journey has always been 'complacency', and I don't want my confidence to slip into this dreaded 'other' c-word. At the same time, I don't want to make myself feel alert and attentive to it ALL the time. Part of my reason for my sobriety is so I don't HAVE to think about drinking all the time. So it's just about finding that balance between the two. I'll stay checking in here as often as I can, I'll keep myself out of situations where drink seems like a good idea, and I'll also make sure to remind myself why I'm doing all this - but when I'm feeling good, I'm not going to try and keep myself on edge all of the time. I don't wake up everyday thinking about booze anymore, I only think about NOT thinking about it (if that makes sense). I don't even want to give it that much space in my life, though.
Have a wonderful, safe, sober and stress-free weekend, Class. Stay strong if you're struggling, spread the love if you're not. :-)
My key word since I (re)started this journey has always been 'complacency', and I don't want my confidence to slip into this dreaded 'other' c-word. At the same time, I don't want to make myself feel alert and attentive to it ALL the time. Part of my reason for my sobriety is so I don't HAVE to think about drinking all the time. So it's just about finding that balance between the two. I'll stay checking in here as often as I can, I'll keep myself out of situations where drink seems like a good idea, and I'll also make sure to remind myself why I'm doing all this - but when I'm feeling good, I'm not going to try and keep myself on edge all of the time. I don't wake up everyday thinking about booze anymore, I only think about NOT thinking about it (if that makes sense). I don't even want to give it that much space in my life, though.
Have a wonderful, safe, sober and stress-free weekend, Class. Stay strong if you're struggling, spread the love if you're not. :-)
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Ky
Posts: 2,043
Anxiety real bad today. I know what triggers it. It hadn't happened for a while and now he's doing it again. Being short with me, acting shady on social media sites, not answering my phone calls, hell not checking in all day. These are all things he never used to do. It makes me sick to my stomach. Really makes me wonder am I right to feel this way or is this something my AV does to make me want to drink. I won't of course, but God I want to! "You're not a tree, quit being shady".
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Liverpool, UK
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by KeyofC
Anxiety real bad today. I know what triggers it. It hadn't happened for a while and now he's doing it again. Being short with me, acting shady on social media sites, not answering my phone calls, hell not checking in all day. These are all things he never used to do. It makes me sick to my stomach. Really makes me wonder am I right to feel this way or is this something my AV does to make me want to drink. I won't of course, but God I want to! "You're not a tree, quit being shady".
Last edited by Cbf123; 08-21-2015 at 12:54 PM. Reason: Whoops
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