Soberwolf

Goodnight Julyers

Dee74

Hope you can get it all sorted out SW

D

Leshar

I've been terribly weepy all day. My psychiatrist thinks that ECT helped, I know it did, but the effects weren't long lasting. He now thinks because of my abnormal brain circuitry, that I should try deep brain stimulation, or even brain surgery where they cut part of the brain. All horribly terrifying. Massive urge to drink driving home. I won't but I'm very depressed. I'm to increase my anti depressants in the meantime and check in with him by email on Friday.

Gilmer

Holy Toledo, Leshar! I don't blame you for being upset!

But I'm really glad you didn't drink.

SnoozyQ

Wolfy can you come live at my house !

That sounds sooooo yum :

Hi all , I've woken up feeling stronger than ever today. I have not thought about will I drink today ? I've got a really strong ' I will NOT ' drink today & I just know I wont .

This has been so very hard, but I feel I've finally got my wake up call.

No more.

I've just dropped Holly off to work , I'm about to leave for a work meeting about my back. Then off to the gym for some Pilates , then to see my doc.

Feeling strong ,

Have a great day / evening wherever you are , my friends

Dee74

I'm sorry Leshar - but do look at all your options...and remember that, really, you're just out of hospital and the whole Rod thing knocked you around a bit, as I think it would anyone.

I rarely speak out about Drs.

I know I'm a layman, and my comments should be taken as such - but IMO brain surgery for someone like yourself is a completely over the top and ridiculous suggestion.

It worries me that that's the suggested next step.

I'd definitely be getting some second opinions.


D

resolute50

Hey everybody, I'm here now.
It's odd seeing all the activity here while I'm sleeping or at work.
Yall live on the other side of the world.

Leshar, I'm sorry that you are feeling down again. I don't know anything about depression. So I don't really know what to say about it.
Just give you encouragement,sweet lady.

Snoozums,
You're making me proud girl!
You can do this. Set your goals and go for it.
Keep some Vegemite on hand for cravings.

SW, the dishwasher is installed. Took me a while as I needed new fittings and had to hard wire the new one in. The wife is thrilled.

Hey sober twin!
It's nice to get out and walk. I still get out and take Leah when the weather permits. It's been brutally hot here the last few days. Not good weather for a husky.

Hi Gilmer, Casey,Ladybug,Soberliegh and Dee.
I'll be around the boards here for a while. Check back later.

resolute50

Foundation/Balance

For us the foundation and balance begins with sobriety
All other things build on top of that truth.

SnoozyQ

Hello Dear Bob , always a joy to see you post :-)

We maybe worlds apart yet we are very close.

Leshar I'm so sorry I missed your post . I agree 100% with Dee. That's a pretty radical move . I'd be seeking 2 nd 3rd 4th 5th & 6th opinions before I would even consider it.

Keep posting here darling one. We are right beside you & love you dearly.
I hate that you are hurting :-(

Croissant

Sorry, only part posted earlier.

Bob, lol. I know you are already married, but I'm relying on you to source me any suitable suitors for when I come to the U.S.

Leshar, thanks too for your kind words to acknowledge what I've been through mourning my ex. Drinking turns us into someone else, and I just can't believe I so stupidly let such a wonderful person go. When I read some stories in the family and friends, and see how rejected loved ones feel....uggh, I know we have to take responsibility for how we treated people, but on another hand, I feel like I wasn't even living inside my soul when I did that stuff sometimes. Like it happened in a dream, and how could I be so stupid?

Anyways, these are all the reasons I add to my list of not to drink again. Life can be tough, but it's as authentic as can be and I'm true to myself.

Tooshabby

Hi Leshar, I just want to add to the weight of opinion that suggests that is way too radical. I don't see how cutting a part of your brain out could possibly be helpful. That seems archaic and brutal. Please get further advice xxx

Soberwolf

Good morning julyers

SnoozyQ

Hi all.

Crois , just curious , have you ever spoken to your ex since you have been sober ?
Would there be any possibility of having a chat and ridding yourself of any guilt . Perhaps let him see the real lovely you without the drink!

I dunno

Just in my world of thoughts , maybe it's a dumb idea.
I know what you mean about feeling like you weren't even living in your soul sometimes. I really identify with that.

It's like it was someone else taking over your body , your words , your moods.
When exactly are you going to the U.S. how exciting

Xxx

Croissant

Thanks Snooz for your kind words. Yeah, I would speak to him....and I considered it, or maybe contact one of his sisters to test the water, but - I think he would listen and appreciate it. But, he's married now with two small children. It's likely it would wrench up pain that may have settled for the best on his end.

The worst part, for me, is he tried and tried to get back together, but I was the one who continually pushed him away. I basically forced him to be with this girl in a fashion, so he could have his own children.

I did see him at the funeral last year, and it was unbearable. I could be lying to myself, but I believe those strong feelings were still there as we never broke up because we fell out of love or hated each other or fought angrily. It was because I said I didn't think I could have children with him (something we'd always agreed we would do), the real honest reason is, I realised I no longer wanted to fall pregnant, because that would mean stopping drinking. He said he would accept I didn't want children (I used the excuse I felt I was getting too old, well, the alcy in me believed that), but I still pushed him away.

When I saw him, I started to cry, not just because of the funeral, but just seeing him was overwhelming. Now, him being him, he always hated to see me cry and I saw the look on his face of wanting to comfort me, and me wanting that comfort, but the sadness of the fact that it's not like we can have that with each other anymore. The invisible wall is there, yes?

Of course, in my dreams his wife and children magically disappear now and we seem to be getting back together. Which is better than my early sobriety dreams where he'd always catch me sneaking drinks.

Long post, but I guess I have accepted I have to carry the same amount of pain I must have caused. All the tears I know he must have cried, but I never knew or realised until feeling them myself now I'm sober. That's the awesome thing about sobriety (sarcasm), there's no escaping pain, you have to feel it with all its full hard and devastating force.

SnoozyQ

Crois thank you so very much for opening up your heart like that . I could feel between the lines how much you loved him & he you .

Drinking can be so cruel. I actually can't believe how similar you and I are , it's incredible .
I've never divulged this to anyone before , but I had an affair with the love of my life whilst I was still married. Mark and I were together for the kids basically. We fell out of love many years before.

I had known him for many years . He wanted to marry me and I wanted to be with him . We Connected so well and I loved him deeply.

It was too complicated & the kids were still young . I needed to put more energy into them.

He told me he would always wait for me , but of course that's just not being realistic.
I was devastated when he met someone else , but he had given me many opportunities to change my mind.

He moved on , I stayed in a loveless marriage , started drinking & I still think of him .

I think of what a huge mistake I made and how different my life would be.
We also saw each other at a funeral of a mutual friend .
The look between us was still there & all those feelings came rushing back.

There was never any real closure , we never had an argument , but it was just unfinished. He is a beautiful person.

Still with the same girl and has Two young children now.

Life .... Sigh

I hope no one thinks bad of me as that was a very long time ago.

I've ALWAYS felt I made the wrong choice.

Thanks for sharing Crois



I

Gilmer

((((Crois))))

((((Snooz))))

Croissant

Aww Snooz. Yes, there's always some painful reason I feel that we get locked into drinking....and as it says, then it morphs into something else and it's hard to really dig out what needs to be resolved - the original pain, or all the pain that came and morphed from there.

All of it has to be dealt with eventually I believe, if we are to stay sober. Maybe Dee can shed some light, but I think it's true. We do have to uncover these things, deal with them.

Did you get any answers to your phone calls .wendy? Are you all booked in for some help?

Croissant

P.s. I don't think anyone here could feel badly about what you divulged Snooz. We make the best decisions we can at the time. Right or wrong. I don't think we set out to hurt people and in the end we've damaged ourselves so much.

Dee74

I think like crois says there's always underlying reasons for our unhappiness and why we drink, but it morphs into something else if we do enough drinking... so that it's no longer enough to tackle just the unhappiness or the drinking - they both need addressing.

I really think we need to tackle the drinking first tho - I don't believe there's any way to get to that deep rooted unhappiness/fear if we're still drinking. We need to know ourselves, our true selves before we can try and get to that nitty gritty.

I'm sorry you feel you have someone who got away Snooz...the only thing I can offer you is that our lives aren't over yet and none of us really knows what's just around the corner or just up ahead.

Every time I think I'm done with changes, more seem to come along...some are great and some are not so great but I'm happy with my life which is something I wasn't able to say for 35 years or so.

Good people deserve good things and I think by and large we find them

D

SnoozyQ

That's so true Dee