Class of March 2013 Part 43
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
Ken, good job!
Sassysass, wow girl you super duper turned a corner. Almost a year!!
Hope everyone is doing well!
I just became my partners sponsor... Well not really, but kinda. She gets really anxious. When it's bad, she gets mean. Before the wedding, I told her I won't live the rest of my life like that . She went back to the doc and things got better. She has been stressed at work, and is really uncomfortable with change. So even though this house change thing is good, it still makes her anxious. I try very hard to be an understanding partner. I listen, I try to help and support . On normal days, it's just part of being a good partner right? On hard nights, it's exhausting with no resolution in sight mixed with a bit of anger and lashing out at me.
Last night, we talked for hours and finally went to bed. I didn't realize the extent of her anxiety, she cried a bit but that happens. I rubbed her back and told her things always look better in the morning. (They do, there's something about her and night, it's always worse late at night) I fell asleep. I woke up a while later to her crying. That was different. I tried to rub her back again, she removed my hand. I was exhausted, felt like I was completely unable to help, fell asleep again. She didn't say goodbye to me this morning. I texted I love you, nothing all day. Silent treatment, great. So early this evening I texted her that I wasn't sure what was wrong but I love her and I'm here.
She called this evening and skewered me. Said she wanted a marriage, a partner who supported her, that I abandoned her and she would never do that to me. She said she doesn't believe I love her and basically said she doesn't see us as having a relationship, let alone a marriage.
The old wehav would have gotten a bit defensive but basically would have taken it. I was drunk most of the time, so things really were my fault. Right? I got angry, really angry. Not at her per se, I was livid that she was dismissing 10 years of love and support. Ten years, and especially the last two, where I listen often for hours. Cook her food. Tell her I love her. I married her. One night, I underestimated her anxiety. One night, I was exhausted. One night, I fell asleep.
So I fought back. Minot saying it was the smart choicest the right choice, it just was. I won't get into the particulars of the crap she said, I'm already probably saying too much.
She calmed down and I calmed down and we got to really talking. She's stressed about her job, the move, her moms getting older, all that stuff. Then she said it out loud, she's full of fear. Something clicked in me. I've seen a lot of parallels between her anxiety disorder and my addiction, but it dawned on me that our mental illnesses are two sides of the same coin.
I realized that yes, her anxiety is in a spence like a broken leg, as a lot of folks like to compare mental illness to medical issues to kind of help with the stigma. That analogy kind of seemed lacking to me until now. Yes, our mental illness is like a broken leg, and like a broken leg if we don't treat it in the best way we can, we are doomed to never walk again. What do you do with a broken leg? You put a cast on it, then you do pt. well we are no different. We need acute care, followed by maintenance. Boom. That's what the realization felt like. Guess I've always thought this way about recovery, but never put it together.
So like a good little sponsor, I gave her a task.
I said to meditate, to calm the mind so she would have the room to concentrate. Then I gave her the "job" of some gratitude and prayer. Because if you start to realize it's not YOU who controls the universe, you find that controlling everything isn't up to you. Then you can focus on the stuff you can and should control.
This may seem very hohum and obvious to you guys, but seeing a way forward to help her by using some of the stuff that helped me is really groundbreaking for me. It helped me get clarity and discernment about what I should be doing to support her, and where I need to tell her nope that's not my crap to own. It's kind of a breakthrough!
Hope you missed my unedited, unproofed stream of consciousness goodness, 'cause that's a doozy!
Sassysass, wow girl you super duper turned a corner. Almost a year!!
Hope everyone is doing well!
I just became my partners sponsor... Well not really, but kinda. She gets really anxious. When it's bad, she gets mean. Before the wedding, I told her I won't live the rest of my life like that . She went back to the doc and things got better. She has been stressed at work, and is really uncomfortable with change. So even though this house change thing is good, it still makes her anxious. I try very hard to be an understanding partner. I listen, I try to help and support . On normal days, it's just part of being a good partner right? On hard nights, it's exhausting with no resolution in sight mixed with a bit of anger and lashing out at me.
Last night, we talked for hours and finally went to bed. I didn't realize the extent of her anxiety, she cried a bit but that happens. I rubbed her back and told her things always look better in the morning. (They do, there's something about her and night, it's always worse late at night) I fell asleep. I woke up a while later to her crying. That was different. I tried to rub her back again, she removed my hand. I was exhausted, felt like I was completely unable to help, fell asleep again. She didn't say goodbye to me this morning. I texted I love you, nothing all day. Silent treatment, great. So early this evening I texted her that I wasn't sure what was wrong but I love her and I'm here.
She called this evening and skewered me. Said she wanted a marriage, a partner who supported her, that I abandoned her and she would never do that to me. She said she doesn't believe I love her and basically said she doesn't see us as having a relationship, let alone a marriage.
The old wehav would have gotten a bit defensive but basically would have taken it. I was drunk most of the time, so things really were my fault. Right? I got angry, really angry. Not at her per se, I was livid that she was dismissing 10 years of love and support. Ten years, and especially the last two, where I listen often for hours. Cook her food. Tell her I love her. I married her. One night, I underestimated her anxiety. One night, I was exhausted. One night, I fell asleep.
So I fought back. Minot saying it was the smart choicest the right choice, it just was. I won't get into the particulars of the crap she said, I'm already probably saying too much.
She calmed down and I calmed down and we got to really talking. She's stressed about her job, the move, her moms getting older, all that stuff. Then she said it out loud, she's full of fear. Something clicked in me. I've seen a lot of parallels between her anxiety disorder and my addiction, but it dawned on me that our mental illnesses are two sides of the same coin.
I realized that yes, her anxiety is in a spence like a broken leg, as a lot of folks like to compare mental illness to medical issues to kind of help with the stigma. That analogy kind of seemed lacking to me until now. Yes, our mental illness is like a broken leg, and like a broken leg if we don't treat it in the best way we can, we are doomed to never walk again. What do you do with a broken leg? You put a cast on it, then you do pt. well we are no different. We need acute care, followed by maintenance. Boom. That's what the realization felt like. Guess I've always thought this way about recovery, but never put it together.
So like a good little sponsor, I gave her a task.
I said to meditate, to calm the mind so she would have the room to concentrate. Then I gave her the "job" of some gratitude and prayer. Because if you start to realize it's not YOU who controls the universe, you find that controlling everything isn't up to you. Then you can focus on the stuff you can and should control. This may seem very hohum and obvious to you guys, but seeing a way forward to help her by using some of the stuff that helped me is really groundbreaking for me. It helped me get clarity and discernment about what I should be doing to support her, and where I need to tell her nope that's not my crap to own. It's kind of a breakthrough!
Hope you missed my unedited, unproofed stream of consciousness goodness, 'cause that's a doozy!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,286
(((WeHav)))! I did miss your stream of consciousness posts, lol! Seriously, that sounded very heavy but I think your insight about the similarities is spot on. You are a really good person, We. Not everyone would have been so understanding and willing to work hard to make it work. I hope that this will help both of you!
Living and Loving Life at Last
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: gods own country
Posts: 12,168
MY GREAT FRIEND SASSIE IS ONE YEAR SOBER TODAY!!!!!!!!!
Well done Sass, I'm proud of you, you have worked so hard at your sobriety, moving out of your comfort zone to seek help from places you wouldn't have initially chosen. You are brave and strong and a wonderful friend,mans if we never get the chance to meet again F2F, i am glad we got to meet once. Keep it up love, and treat yourself to something today, you deserve it. Xx
Well done Sass, I'm proud of you, you have worked so hard at your sobriety, moving out of your comfort zone to seek help from places you wouldn't have initially chosen. You are brave and strong and a wonderful friend,mans if we never get the chance to meet again F2F, i am glad we got to meet once. Keep it up love, and treat yourself to something today, you deserve it. Xx
Living and Loving Life at Last
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: gods own country
Posts: 12,168
Gilmer, that knocks my photo of a deer in my garden into a cocked hat!! Love him what a cutie!
Budd, glad you can get some of your sanity back, whatever happened to your partial retirement!!!!
WeHave, I love the idea of you using some of the same skill set with J, but from your report of her behaviour, I do feel she is in need of professional help. Using your own analogy, you wouldn't get someone who had a broken leg in the past to set someone else's, even if they watched the doctor really closely...... You would go to a doctor. Certainly you can help her, but if she cares as much for your relationship as she says, she needs to get to the root cause of her excessive anxieties. Is her behaviour worsened by hormonal cycles? Or is it the stress of so many changes going on? In counselling training we learned early on that even good things happening affect our equilibrium and for those with a hypersensitive psyche it can be much worse. I Al so pleased for you that you were able to take your own emotions out of the situation, it makes a huge difference to your ability to manage her issues. Well done!
Marcher, Trachy , Dee Iday Duff and the rest of the chorus!!
Budd, glad you can get some of your sanity back, whatever happened to your partial retirement!!!!
WeHave, I love the idea of you using some of the same skill set with J, but from your report of her behaviour, I do feel she is in need of professional help. Using your own analogy, you wouldn't get someone who had a broken leg in the past to set someone else's, even if they watched the doctor really closely...... You would go to a doctor. Certainly you can help her, but if she cares as much for your relationship as she says, she needs to get to the root cause of her excessive anxieties. Is her behaviour worsened by hormonal cycles? Or is it the stress of so many changes going on? In counselling training we learned early on that even good things happening affect our equilibrium and for those with a hypersensitive psyche it can be much worse. I Al so pleased for you that you were able to take your own emotions out of the situation, it makes a huge difference to your ability to manage her issues. Well done!
Marcher, Trachy , Dee Iday Duff and the rest of the chorus!!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,286
Thanks, Toots! I so much enjoyed meeting you and hope we can again some day. You and everyone here have been absolutely essential in helping me get to this point in my life. I am so very grateful for everyone's support and patience!!! 
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, SASS!!!
WeHav, I agree with Toots, especially the part where she says if you've got a broken leg you don't set it yourself, you go to a doctor. It would be good for J to have a sounding board for her deepest issues who isn't you, who can look in from the outside.
You are the essence of a supportive spouse, but you cannot be anybody's savior. It just isn't possible for humans to fill that role for one another.
Does she realize that you are doing your utmost to be there for her--and any falling asleep, etc., is completely accidental and without malice? Just like her, you are only human.
WeHav, I agree with Toots, especially the part where she says if you've got a broken leg you don't set it yourself, you go to a doctor. It would be good for J to have a sounding board for her deepest issues who isn't you, who can look in from the outside.
You are the essence of a supportive spouse, but you cannot be anybody's savior. It just isn't possible for humans to fill that role for one another.
Does she realize that you are doing your utmost to be there for her--and any falling asleep, etc., is completely accidental and without malice? Just like her, you are only human.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
SASS!!!! Happy one year!!!!! You have worked soooo hard for this! You deserve a big celebration. Chocolate, cake, yoga! Be good to you! So proud of you girl!
Gilmer, toots, thanks for your input. She's been to counseling many times, has a therapist and a psychiatrist . The therapist helped greatly when she developed agoraphobia before we met . She won't go to him anymore, apparently the last several times didn't help. I totally agree that she needs people besides me to talk to. I couldn't possibly put all of my alcoholic. "Stuff" on her, I spread the love lol. But seriously, yes I do believe it's important for her totalk with others going through same thing. In this case I kind of feel bad she's not an alcoholic: we have aa, sr, so many recovery methods and easy ways to find them. I googled 90 days sober and found sr! You google anxiety disorders and get hospitals and drugs.
Gilmer, toots, thanks for your input. She's been to counseling many times, has a therapist and a psychiatrist . The therapist helped greatly when she developed agoraphobia before we met . She won't go to him anymore, apparently the last several times didn't help. I totally agree that she needs people besides me to talk to. I couldn't possibly put all of my alcoholic. "Stuff" on her, I spread the love lol. But seriously, yes I do believe it's important for her totalk with others going through same thing. In this case I kind of feel bad she's not an alcoholic: we have aa, sr, so many recovery methods and easy ways to find them. I googled 90 days sober and found sr! You google anxiety disorders and get hospitals and drugs.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,286
Thanks, Dee! I am so relieved to have hit this milestone :-). I'm still staying in touch with my pdoc and probably will for a long time. It's a good feeling that I have multiple sources of support!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,224
Good morning Marchers I'm running through on a super busy day.
We you are a wonderfully empathetic partner. J may be helped by Dr Claire Weekes techniques, she was a late Aussie psychologist who developed ground breaking techniques for anxiety which are still used today. Try googling her.
Sass congratulations my dear friend.
Have a good day peeps.
I'm running through on a super busy day.We you are a wonderfully empathetic partner. J may be helped by Dr Claire Weekes techniques, she was a late Aussie psychologist who developed ground breaking techniques for anxiety which are still used today. Try googling her.
Sass congratulations my dear friend.
Have a good day peeps.
Living and Loving Life at Last
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: gods own country
Posts: 12,168
WeHav I just googled Anxiety Support Groups and ADAA comes up, they may not have meetings near you but have online support. There will be groups, if not perhaps J could think of starting one!
If she stopped going to her therapist because he didn't help her, it's time to find another therapist, but remember a therapist is only as good as the patient is open and honest and willing to work.
If she stopped going to her therapist because he didn't help her, it's time to find another therapist, but remember a therapist is only as good as the patient is open and honest and willing to work.
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