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Class of July 2015 Part 3

Old 07-16-2015, 03:39 PM
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Hi and welcome 4stars, enfin and DitzyDandelion
Many congratulations to the milestones being chalked up, no matter what day they are

DitzyD - It's ok to be a little selfish in early recovery - if being around someone makes you wobbly it's ok to put yourself first, for a while..

D
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Old 07-16-2015, 03:50 PM
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Ditzydandelion that sounds difficult.
Maybe some outside support would be helpful?
I too, had friends who seemed not to notice the large amounts I was capable of drinking. It was accepted. I remember way before I ever drank, I bartended and seeing people there every day, or people getting wasted- really didn't mean anything to me. It just meant they drank a lot. They were together, good people, with good jobs.
Well unfortunately now I know the signs.

Whiteturtle I hope you are well today...
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Old 07-16-2015, 04:55 PM
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Didn't drink today. God it was so hard. Soooo angry.
Thankful for a sober night
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Old 07-16-2015, 04:57 PM
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Have you ever considering couples counselling JL? This finance thing seems to be a common thorn in your side?

D
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Old 07-16-2015, 05:07 PM
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Hi JL way to go on not drinking!
I think I know how you feel... I quit drinking, again, very recently and am also gritting my teeth through a benzo taper.

NOT feeling it today!
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Old 07-16-2015, 05:07 PM
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Morning class, the beginning of day 9 here. Still on holidays, skimmed through all the posts, about to head out for the day.

Welcome to all the newcomers to the July group. Early days of sobriety are tough, stick it out and it will be very rewarding.

Had dinner with my family last night, my wife had a couple of glasses of wine and now that I am feeling better I started to think that perhaps I should join her in just one glass. Ha. As if I would have stopped at one glass. So I beat those thoughts down quickly and ordered a fruit smoothie instead to feed my white wolf. My black wolf is getting hungry, has been starved for 9 days now, so the little bugger is starting to get sneaky in his search for food.
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Old 07-16-2015, 05:55 PM
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I'm glad you reconsidered James

D
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Old 07-16-2015, 07:16 PM
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Just walked to Starbucks for a decaf, past my usual liquor store tonight. Trying to change the routine. Normally I'd be past the point of driving, or even feeling like going anywhere but the bar, spacing out on the couch by now. Surprised how the liquor store held no draw, hope it stays that way as long as possible. The main drag by my apartment is mostly bars and pot dispensaries, lots of vice.

I've been thinking today about how much money I was spending in a haze. Half the time I'd end up buying my fifths or beer after the groceries were closed, so I'd eat a 20-40% markup. Don't need a daily Starbucks habit either, but I was drinking 2-3x the most expensive milkshake's worth a night, so for now it's ok.
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Old 07-16-2015, 07:22 PM
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Finishing up day 13 sober. For a bit there around day 6, once I got over that hump, I felt semi-good. Now I'm pretty neutral, no ups nor downs. I've been trying to dig into why I drank the last few times, you know, what was going on in my head that made me think it was OK to drink. Some of it, I think, is there is a part of me that does not want to be just neutral. I mean, I have these fb friends that every single day has to be some highlight, some "awesome" activity, place, or event. I've been guilty of the same. I think I have WAY too many friends with a gopro camera filming themselves jumping off cliffs, crashing their bikes, and trying to one-up each other.

I think it gives the very false impression that life is just one big high every day and every day gets higher until their is that great crescendo, this climax....and then the next day they do it all over again. If you are just "neutral" then you might feel like you are missing out on all the fun.

When I was drinking I bought into the "radical" "awesomeness" of it all. Now I see some of these friends as nothing more than clueless self-absorbed narcissists. So I'm reexamining my friends and finding that maybe, the radical extremists are not so interesting and certainly not psychologically healthy. You don't have to ride your bike off a cliff and open your parachute to be cool in my eyes.

So, the long and the short of it is I'm changing who I socialize with, who I find interesting, and who I want to spend time with. That's a tall order and is going to take some time.
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Old 07-16-2015, 07:30 PM
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Originally Posted by BobBFree33 View Post
I mean, I have these fb friends that every single day has to be some highlight, some "awesome" activity, place, or event. I've been guilty of the same. I think I have WAY too many friends with a gopro camera filming themselves jumping off cliffs, crashing their bikes, and trying to one-up each other.
Haha, I actually 'scrambled' my Facebook password today, we'll see how long it lasts, I can always reset it by email. Was tired of compulsively reloading it to nothing but politics, social issues, cats, vines, clickbait, or that type of 'look at me!!'.

I had already unfollowed a good deal of friends over excessive politics, even those I agreed with, to the point that my news feed was nothing but cats, vines, and clickbait. It was just too much.

Internet comment sections are not good for my depression.
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Old 07-16-2015, 07:32 PM
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Good work everyone who was able to put another sober day behind us!

To those who couldn't, restart your commitment to permanent sobriety tomorrow, it's a new day!
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Old 07-16-2015, 07:42 PM
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BobBFree I take regular breaks from FB and have to make a conscious decision to stop when I don't get likes or start comparing myself to others.
I am not like them and never will be. Sucks for me but oh well. Also I have to wonder, when some of the gratification junkies stop getting their fix, or if they couldn't get constant approval- what are they left with? Why do these beautiful, accomplished people need so much bolstering all the time?
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Old 07-16-2015, 07:45 PM
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It's only day 4 and I tapered down on my valium again this week. So I feel like hell. And am anxious, tired, sad and hungry and just plain feel weird and scared all day.
I keep trying to remind myself, the first week always sucks.
But I really want to just sleep as much as I can and eat junk food.
That would make me feel better but I have already put my body through hell and have to stay healthy in my diet and keep exercising a little every day.
I feel like curling up in a ball and crying at the moment.
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Old 07-16-2015, 07:45 PM
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Originally Posted by sourgrapes View Post
Haha, I actually 'scrambled' my Facebook password today, we'll see how long it lasts, I can always reset it by email. Was tired of compulsively reloading it to nothing but politics, social issues, cats, vines, clickbait, or that type of 'look at me!!'.

I had already unfollowed a good deal of friends over excessive politics, even those I agreed with, to the point that my news feed was nothing but cats, vines, and clickbait. It was just too much.

Internet comment sections are not good for my depression.
One of the best decisions I made in very early sobriety this time was on day eight or nine or so when after a night of seemingly every person on my friends list posting a photo of themselves with a beer bottle or wine glass or cocktail of some kind at bars all over the country, I researched ways to REALLY delete myself off Facebook--as in get rid of all my old posts and comments and photos, unlike Facebook's "delete account" option which just stores all that stuff on one of their servers until you decide you want it back. It's not easy to find a way to bulk delete all that stuff but I used a combination of two or three different browser plug-ins/add-ons and got it done.

It's been over two months now and I haven't missed FB one single iota. I made sure before I left there I got phone numbers for the couple of folks who I liked but only communicated with via FB and that was that. So good to be clear of all the drama and politics and self-congratulatory posts and the cat videos and selfies and all the check-ins and photos at various bars. I'm much happier spending my time right here on SR nowadays.
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Old 07-16-2015, 08:00 PM
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Originally Posted by CaseyW View Post
One of the best decisions I made in very early sobriety this time was on day eight or nine or so when after a night of seemingly every person on my friends list posting a photo of themselves with a beer bottle or wine glass or cocktail of some kind at bars all over the country,
Yep, I totally forgot to mention it seems like 80% of the posts are fixated on alcohol. There have been some studies done on the false-reality fb projects and promotes. Normal people get "life envy" since the majority of what's posted is artificially prejudiced towards life's highlights.
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Old 07-16-2015, 08:00 PM
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Grumble...
I am so hungry.
And so tired.
And so anxious.
All I am good for is dragging my sorry a** to the refrigerator for a cup of yogurt for dinner and not even anything proper.
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Old 07-16-2015, 08:10 PM
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Originally Posted by sleepie View Post
Grumble...
I am so hungry.
And so tired.
And so anxious.
All I am good for is dragging my sorry a** to the refrigerator for a cup of yogurt for dinner and not even anything proper.
I hear ya, did a little better with eating today, but still didn't get hungry enough to force something down till about 1. Anxiety-wise, not much better, shaky hands (especially when trying to manipulate straws and credit cards and such, I hate hate hate that).

Looking forward to the 2 week mark, which was when things really began clearing up for me last time
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Old 07-16-2015, 08:16 PM
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Appetite is not a problem- never has been! I am just too tired to cook... plus I have female biology working at me this week... so I just want a cheeseburger! And I have a free coupon too, and it's just down the street.
But I ain't gonna do it.
Had my yogurt. If I need to, my boyfriend will cook me up an omelette, he knows I feel bad for now. I just don't want him to cater to me. I got myself into this, I'm getting out.
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Old 07-16-2015, 09:51 PM
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I had 2 glasses of red wine last night
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Old 07-16-2015, 10:06 PM
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Casey, I'm sorry I didn't respond last night, but your posts were extremely helpful. Thank you so much for taking the time and care to be there for me. I read over your responses, and others', several times. Having the understanding and support of this place is insanely helpful, to the point of being necessary. I wouldn't be doing this without all of you, I'm sure.

Sleepie, thanks so much for your thoughts today. I am so sorry you've had a rough go today. I'm so impressed how you are sticking to a healthy diet on top of tapering/detoxing...that takes some real dedication.

JL, I'm sorry your birthday vacation day got thwarted. I know how that is, it seems like there's never a real break. That is so great of you to help out your other job; I hope they appreciate it! Do you get a chance this weekend to relax? I am sorry, too, that your wife is being so financially unreasonable. Finances are stressful enough even when they're under control, let alone when you are drowning in someone else's spending compulsions. Does she realize how serious her spending is, and how very negatively it is affecting your life?

I know I am missing responses I wanted to make...I am on the mobile app which is great for reading through, but not for posting and quoting. I will have to come back through when I can to really respond to everyone. I am reading all of your posts, though, Class, and thinking of you all, and cheering on your victories, and empathizing with your sorrows.

I still feel in a funk today. The craving for wine hasn't been there as much today as yesterday (not nearly), perhaps just a few fleeting moments. I even went to trivia and didn't even think twice about ordering a Coke and not having wine...didn't really even want the wine. It was frustrating, though, because our buzzer wasn't working, and a new host was leading the trivia; she didn't really know how to fix the issue, and sort of just apologized. So, my teammates were getting really negative and annoyed. I just felt bad for the host; she's new and was trying to deal with a whole room of people/teams while running the game and equipment...and really, it's just a game. So if our buzzer doesn't work or the host doesn't know how to help, no use getting pissy or fussy, or angry with her for it. It's like my post in my first five days of sobriety, when I was with my (basically) in-laws, and their constant negativity just makes me shut down and turn to wine. Normally on a night like this one, I would probably have ordered an extra glass of wine (along with the two or three I would have already had), and probably a shot, too, and then looked forward to getting home so I could be alone, away from the stress of the negativity. and have another bottle. Sigh. I am instead reading my book with some tea and contemplating going to bed soon.

I just feel depressed still. The second week of sobriety, I was so buoyant and happy and relieved. Now, though, I just feel empty, lost, dejected.

Has anyone experienced this in their sobriety journey? I don't know if it's a natural progression, or if there are always just lots of ups and downs. Whatever it is, I dislike it. I have been so tired and blah that I can't summon the energy to get things done, including responding to everyone's posts and being here for all of you! I feel so bad that I haven't been as present here the last few days, other than my crisis moments. So I apologize to you all, but want you to know I read every post and am right there with you all.

Day 18 starts when I wake up in seven hours.
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