DariaM

This is probably going to be a rambling mess, but I'm in a really weird place today, or maybe just lately in general, so maybe I should just apologize for this honesty dump in advance. I just feel the need to put it out there...somewhere...

I'm on Lexapro, 10mg, lowest therapeutic dose. I've been on it now for a couple years, maybe? I feel like my life is just a blur anymore; it rolls on year to year, never changing, always just the same blah state. It's like I'm just existing, not really living. I was originally placed on the Lexapro to deal with mostly anxiety, and maybe a bit of depression. My PCP manages it. I should probably find an actual psychiatrist and possibly a therapist too, b/c while it more or less keeps me in check and functioning without any serious meltdowns (anxiety), I'm just blah. My house is a mess, I'm unmotivated to do anything. I've become very why bother, just coasting along passing the time. I'm just numb... and bored. I get this is more than likely depression, and I've been pretty apathetic (yet less anxious!!) since starting Lexapro. I'm beginning to think maybe it's not such a good match for me as far as ADs go. Can an AD make you more depressed? Is it even depression or just an overall lack of emotion? But I'm not even crying/horribly depressed... just soooo blaaaah. I would honestly spend all my time on the couch doing nothing if left to my own devices. I just don't enjoy things anymore. In a way, I'd rather be my old anxious mess and still feel things.

I say all this b/c I think for me drinking (binge drinking) has always been a way that I deal with my anxiety. An escape from reality and the stress and worries. For a few hours, I just leave it all behind. And even though I'm less anxious now, I still want to drink now and then to escape the monotony of it all. And it's not like I don't do things, I do... I exercise... I have hobbies and friends. It's just all so tedious.

I don't say all this to look for medical advice; I know you all can't give that. I really need to see someone and probably get my meds changed up. I guess I'm just more curious if anyone can relate to this? I just feel like I don't recognize myself anymore. I used to be so together, so type A (maybe b/c of my anxiety)... and now I'm anything but.

DitzyDandelion

It took someone very special to make me see sense but unfortunately that situation and all it could have been is a mess due to me having waited so long. It's..... complicated.

DitzyDandelion

Daria sounds like you need to ask to swap meds. Some can cause worse depression if it isn't right for the individual. Sometimes it takes a while for someone to find the right one. Best to discuss your feelings with your Dr.

I have not experienced the same as never been on AD's but have had friends describe very similar.

KaleGrrl

Ugh, Dandelion, that's awful!

KaleGrrl

There are some close who have been in your shoes. You're a good person and you had hope. I've seen that scenario. Wishing you future happiness--you deserve it.

KaleGrrl

Daria, I too know people who've been on AD meds, and some have had to make changes in meds, change doses, etc. Sometimes what has worked for them initially didn't after awhile. It's worth going to your doctor about.

KeryJames

Hey Margaux!!! don't do it!!! the whole telling her your whole story......I'm learning that it's better to keep my own counsel. You never know if your friend has a loose tongue and then lets it "slip" to someone else and that someone else lets it slip to someone else......even if you said to her "keep this to yourself", honestly how good are people at keeping secrets? that's if you don't mind all and sundry knowing your business.....

Never put too much trust in friends
The 48 Laws of Power: Law 2: Never put too Much Trust in Friends, Learn how to use Enemies

Oh and this is what I'm saying about not drinking: It's been making me feel sick lately (which it certainly well has)

In August: Jesus, I actually feel so great without alcohol! more energy, lost weight....I don't feel like going back to it.

Margaux1969

Daria, I am on the same dose of Lexapro, and my motivation got very very low, too. My doctor added another medication on top of it, bupropion, which is more stimulating. For whatever reason, that combination has worked for me for a couple of years now. (Until the present moment, when alcohol-less-ness has thrown me into a bit of a funk, hopefully temporary.)

Obviously I can't give medical advice, but I think it's safe to say if your medication is making you feel worse, you need to fix that.

xoxox

DitzyDandelion

Well the sad part is, and I am not proud of a lot of how this has played out as it clashes with what i feel is right. Between the ex husband and recent ex there was someone for a bit. Someone very good for me but I was on a kind of self destructive path already which is probably how I even got started with my ex instead of him. I had always told him we would never work out and kept him a little distant. I was a little scared of my feelings and lied to myself about them a lot. He was never someone I could easily be 'just friends' with so I cut him off. We had the odd message over the years but I always avoided actually meeting up.

I finally reached the point I did tell him I missed him and let him come visit. Just hung out and chatted. It didn't take long after then to discover he had remained in love with me all that time and had held onto hope but he also had a partner at this point. I kind of knew he would be, he had always been very certain I was his one. I know no he had always sworn if he got another chance he would not let me go. A year before when I briefly left my ex we were actually both single and I almost got in touch then didn't. Ran back to the ex.

So anyways we reached a point we knew how we both felt. I had left the ex.. in fact as I am no use at deceit I had been trying to break it off and telling all kinds of friends I was in love So it got back to him and he left a note telling me to be out before he got home. I did laugh. He then changed his mind but it was too late he had given me an easy out. He is still trying to get me back.

Anyways... a situation I disliked but understood this other fella was waiting on his partner to get her first paycheck.. She has no friends or family to fall back on in the UK if he left. He also lives quite a ways away and won't be moving back over here till he gets an insurance payout to help cover the costs.

But..

Just as the big break up looked like it was looming she broke the news she was pregnant. Had been since before I first messaged him but had breakthrough bleeding the first two months so didn't know. (we had a better idea of her dates than she did as he had not slept with her since we talked).

So despite him on the one hand actually being the only person who can tell me stuff like.. you gotta sort your drinking, and I listen instead of getting mad. It is a situation we have had to let go. This all happened over a very short period of time. No big long affair or anything on either side. We thought we would very quickly be together starting a new life. Apparently I waited a couple of months too long but I did have a full ten years to make a move in.

So we are still in love but cannot act on that though he is a huge support to me and no matter what he got me to snap out of it and leave my ex and he is a huge influence in me deciding to stop drinking.

I know some may judge me a little for the unfaithful aspect especially when it comes to her as the real innocent party in this. I don't like it either. Extra heartbreaking as I wanted so badly to have children myself so long but not certain I can.

What a mess!

CaseyW

Who cares if someone knows you're trying to better your life? Sobriety is a wonderful thing. When I'm hiding my sobriety, it means I am setting myself up to drink again.

Now that doesn't mean I shout "I'm not drinking" to every single person I meet, but I have told my close friends and family. But I wouldn't care if they told others for whatever reason though I don't know why they would as, shocking as this news was to me, most people could care less about whether I'm drinking or not. My drinking and/or sobriety is of no interest to them.

I can't imagine going through life having no trust in anyone else. Seems like a miserable way to live.

DariaM

Thanks, Margaux! I just get paranoid about switching up meds b/c it has worked so well on my anxiety, and I hate to go back to being an anxious mess, which is why I've put up with the blah-state for 2 years. :/ Glad to know there may be options besides just quitting Lexapro entirely! I'm not against trying another drug entirely, I just worry about the effectiveness since my biggest issue was anxiety, and I know not all ADs are as effective on anxiety as Lexapro.

I hope you start feeling better too! I haven't caught up on all the threads, how long have you been not drinking?

Incontrol15

Daria...first let me say I love Beavis and Butthead. I often use Cornholio as my alter ego on forums.

Seeing a real psych will make all the difference in the world for you. It may also be helpful to work with you PCP. The way psychs work is you take a med then revisit 4-6wks later to see how things are going. Adjustments are made until the perfect fit is found. Maybe your PCP will do that too. IDK.

It's also important to know that it's very normal to experience depression early on. I know I did. Meds that worked before wasn't enough.

I'm sure you've heard this a thousand times, so I'll make it 1001:
- water
- diet
- vitamins
- exercise.

When depressed, it's really hard to take action on those. Believe me, I know. But they do help A LOT. And they help quicker than any prescription.

Addressing the depression is going to be important for you. There is help, and you can be better. Seeing a counselor will ONLY do good.

JL2014

Thanks Troy,
I think my biggest gripe is having a wife 12 yrs younger, so she's going to have to learn to take her own licks about going without and losing an expensive junk car to the repo/bank. There is absolutely nothing I could say or do to make/help/whatever- her avoid it.
I just hate it because she and I are wired differently on things. (She's not an alcoholic- I am). I pay things off asap and bills likewise, but she grew up in a family that has lived their whole lives "robbing peter to pay Paul", so that's what she does.
Working together for us, means separate checking accounts. I on the other hand have got to let go of a lot of stuff, yet not overdo it's to blow money. Downsizing is a good idea, indeed.
We just happen to be at the bottom end of most options, so there's not much to cut. It's not so so bad, I just am finding that even though I may not be drinking all the time, I still have meltdowns. I was livid the other day, but I can laugh today at the "troubles", I had the other day.
I'm 44, and just got done running trees through a chipper all day and hauling load after load. Even the 20-somethings were sick from the heat. Legs are wobbly, but I'm still walkin, no hangover, and still have 2 jobs. I've never held 2 jobs this long
My 2 yr old son keeps turning the dam- refrigerator temp knob down so I'm happily expecting ICE in my grapefruit juice I've started trying to drink. It ain't my thing, but I'm a tryin !

Margaux1969

Dandelion, that sounds like an awful, emotionally devastating situation. I admire the choice to go sober amidst all your troubles! xo

DitzyDandelion

What better time. I can't do much to fix up the past but I sure can build a better future. There is still hope for us guys we waited ten years and while he can't leave right now who knows what the future holds. I know being in his child's life will be essential to him but his heart simply is not with the mother. We are still very close.

For now though I have to focus on me. I have my flat. I could do with a job. Got my little doggies and part time uni starting back soon. That will keep me busy for sure. I am still kinda cute and have plenty of offers just my heart is still where it is. I am a tough little cookie really which is why it's so surprising I put up with my ex at all. I had just moved cities and started a new life from nothing when I met him. I am now picking up from where I left on then.

Margaux1969

Daria, I know what you mean about switching drugs! I live in fear of the day when one or both of mine quit working and I have to go back on the merry-go-round of trying new ones. And lexapro is really good for anxiety. It's not unusual to add bupropion on top of a regular SSRI. But a PCP might not do it. I HIGHLY recommend going to the best psychiatrist or psychiatric nurse you can find. And regular therapy, too. (Therapists can refer you to a medication person.)

I have only been on the wagon, so to speak, since the 9th. It was dumb of me to drink while on medications, and now I'm paying the price with anxiety and depression creeping back. But who knows, I probably would have felt that anyway!

DariaM

Your positive attitude is very inspiring, Ditzy. And I seriously mean that.

Maybe I'll get off the couch and do... something.

DitzyDandelion

I understand how tough it is Daria. My ex suffered with anxiety (actually one of the periods of time we got on ok). He had it to the point he was agoraphobic a long time. That's actually when I started the Uni was going stir crazy but he wasn't good left alone and couldn't go out so I was a bit stuck for a few years. Between trips out with me.. walking with me a few feet behind.. going with just the dog he eventually took his first trip solo.

Then got held up at gunpoint on that trip.

Now much as he is actually a bit of a S*** he did do a damn fine job of still bouncing back from there. He got to a point where he was back to pretty much how he had been before with very rare episodes of being a bit jumpy.

I did try to blame some of his flaws on the whole anxiety stuff but the abuse predated his period by a long shot. It disappeared when he was ill and a jittery mess and returned when he became well. So please, if you can, untangle his Sh**** personality flaws from this and take heart that someone can come back from there. I do wonder if these links between anxiety and weed are accurate as he was always a very heavy smoker. To the point he often blew all our cash on it and left us short on food. Chicken and the egg I guess was it a cause or substance abuse masking something already there!

People sure can be complicated. There is certainly more than one side to him. I think of him as Jekyll and Hyde.

The more important point being.. it takes a long time and you can't rush it but you can improve over time.

DitzyDandelion

And haha Daria other than cleaning up and looking after the dogs my motivation to do stuff has been terrible this week. I even posted a thread on it lol.

DitzyDandelion

thank you guys for listening to me rabbit on it has really helped me clear my head out a bit and pass the time while I wait for the shops to close.