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Class of April 2015 Part 7

Old 07-20-2015, 09:18 PM
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Swimkim, we were posting at the same time. Isn't it funny how we gals tended to hide out in the bathroom with our booze. I did that on numerous occasions... I always had wine glasses under my sick and empty bottles in the hamper after a long quiet bubble bath... no need to draw attention to my drunk self back then.
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Old 07-20-2015, 09:32 PM
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Drunk minds think alike?

I definitely do not miss having to hide bottles everywhere and then sneak them out to the trash (I hid them in the trash and felt so guilty for not recycling!)
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Old 07-20-2015, 10:30 PM
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Morning and goodnight all!

Sorry to read those stories about hiding booze and drinking when we absolutely should not, but thank you for posting. Ensures we don't forget. One of my all time lows was my wife finding a bar receipt when I had told her I was working so couldn't have my kids. I'll never get that day back or the many others that followed when she didn't find out (maybe). When I compare those times with the weekend I just had, never, ever, again my friends. What an idiot. But on the plus side, things going really well now. Ups and downs and challenges remain but I am not in that dark place any more.

Have a great day everyone.

OMD
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Old 07-20-2015, 10:57 PM
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Originally Posted by SwimKim12 View Post
Hi, All. I hope everyone is well. I did some reflecting today on where I was when I was drinking...as I was out on my lunchtime walk I passed the liquor store that I used to stop at on my way to the train after work. The lady who worked there got to know me quickly (knew that I never needed a bag because I'd hide the four-pack of mini bottles of wine in my lunch bag and purse). I had about a 35 minute ride on the train in which I got to the point that I was drinking two of the bottles and then driving home from the station. Beyond the limit for a DUI? Likely. I'd then drink the other two bottles at home (hiding them from my bf in the bathroom sink and drinking them in the shower because I thought it would hide the smell). Try and avoid him the rest of the evening so he wouldn't outright question me if I was drunk. That was a sad and pathetic place to be. I'm glad to not put myself and others at risk by driving buzzed/drunk. I'm so ashamed of that.

I'm grateful for my sobriety and the opportunities that I've been given for a meaningful life. Thinking of you all tonight!
I totally identify with this, Swim. After work I'd be in the bar for one or two and then into the car for the 20 minute drive from town to town. I'd generally stop and buy 4 cans and drink 2 in the car. Sometimes another in the garage when I got home. Thus fortified I would arrive home where I would drink, on the surface a "normal" amount (2 openly and sneak another 2). Hangover in the morning and repeat performance the following day. Apart from irresponsible and dangerous I think about the time, energy, money and anxiety. I think about the lies and deceit. I think I had a problem. I never want to go back and now I have the choice!

Thanks for sharing, Swim. My memory of my own parallel behaviour pattern was beginning to fade. I want to keep it prominent as a warning to myself and others. No wonder I hated myself. I don't hate myself anymore. Maybe one day I'll forgive myself too. All I can manage in the meantime is to try to make up for lost time and thank God or anyone who'll listen that I'm out.

Wow! Quite an intense start to the day here! I certainly wasn't expecting this strength of feeling when I started typing. think I'm beginning to feel angry at my addicted self for all the lost time! Hope you all have a great day. If Monday is a fun day, what is Tuesday?
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Old 07-21-2015, 05:17 AM
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Good morning.

OMD...it's awesome to replace bad memories with good memories, isn't it?

Hiding drinking. I definitely don't miss that! Before I get home, I'd chew gum and smoke a cig. When I entered, I'd be pouring a drink within the first 2min there for the soul purpose to have alcohol on my breath.

Yup...don't miss that at all.

I have a big day of sales appointments set up today. Gonna go out and crush it out of the park!

Have a great sober day ya'll.
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Old 07-21-2015, 06:15 AM
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Yesterday, I spent time "reminiscing" with my old self, reading my posts etc., and I realized how far I have come. It's a good thing, I think, to not forget about those old habits. And getting angry with ourselves for our past behaviour is part of the healing process. We did some pretty crappy things to ourselves and to others just so that we could drink. We are not that person anymore! It's a good thing!

OMD, it sounds like you had a wonderful time with your kids, and also found new meaning to your new sobriety.

I am hoping that my young adult kids will see the change, and that I become their inspiration to live a productive life. I can do my small part in trying to stop this addictive behaviour from going down another generation. The time for change is now!

And with that, I am going to get cracking on my work this morning while the littlest one is still asleep. Have a great day, I'll be checking back later, as always!
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Old 07-21-2015, 10:04 AM
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Morning everyone just checkin in. Have some random errands to run today but that's about it. Pretty stress free day. Hope you all have a good one
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Old 07-21-2015, 12:18 PM
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Thanks guys. I hadn't really thought of it as replacing bad memories with good ones but I like that idea. I also like the idea of sobriety having meaning as distinct from just being something I am supposed to do. Well I know what I mean.

So we're all now looking back and reminding ourselves where we came from. It's very upsetting for me to look back with some distance and truly see things for what they were but also exhilarating at the same time when thinking about the present and how different it is.

Thanks for being here and for reading my posts.

OMD
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Old 07-21-2015, 02:54 PM
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I have feeling so lazy and tired these days. Not sure why? Could be the summer heat. I also noticed I am not sleeping soundly as of late. I am consciously trying to eat better and to not give into the afternoon granny naps. I also feel restless, like my mind and body want to get moving, but at the same time would rather sleep, if that makes any sense. I guess I need to change up the routine a bit again. Instead of napping, I will go for a walk and air out the one child I have at home. Maybe it's time to get exercising again. I've been wanting to get more active since I quit drinking. What do you guys do for exercise? I may start running again, it may be just what I need to quit smoking too.
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Old 07-21-2015, 07:53 PM
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Hi cauliflower I get restless from time to time. Too wired to sleep but too exhausted to do anything. Lately I've been jogging around 3 miles most days. I sit a lot at work so I need to get energy out. I also started a weight routine a couple weeks ago. That's usually a few days a week. Hope you can get a good nights rest tonight.
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Old 07-21-2015, 08:32 PM
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I had coffee at the business meeting tonight. Not a good idea for me...I will read and do some mind game puzzles in bed until I get sleepy. I am ready to do some exercise though, I just have to do it and stop talking about it. I think I will just go out for a run/walk tomorrow morning for a start and see how I feel afterwards.
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Old 07-21-2015, 08:47 PM
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Good morning all. Catch up laggers.
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Old 07-21-2015, 09:38 PM
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Hi all. Doing great. Day 85. I remember once going to the dumpster here early in the morning and trying to toss out my trash bag filled with beer cans. I looked out and didn't see anyone until I saw the landlord's husband out walking his dog and I was a few feet away from the dumpster. I wanted to just run and toss it but he stopped and talked to me about some online thing he wanted me to join to save money that would save him money. Here I was, I had a white trash bag filled with beer cans and I was freaking out that he would look or heaven forbid say he would take it for me as he had before and would know my little secret then. So happy that's not an issue for me anymore even though I switched to black garbage bags after that. I notice I have an bad reaction to hearing aluminum cans against each other. It makes my skin crawl because that's what I always heard taking beer cans out to the trash and how scared I was that someone would see me doing it.

Cauliflower, I've been just walking more. I walk on both breaks and my last half of lunch. It always made me feel better just doing that. I'm thinking about going on the treadmill tomorrow. Hope everyone is having a great morning/night.
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Old 07-22-2015, 07:16 AM
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Good morning all.

Angie...feels great being proud instead of embarrassed, doesn't it? Now you can go to clear bags

OMD...re: feelings of past. I definitely struggle with that when I let myself think about it. Regret blows. I drank to avoid regret and now I regret doing that! At least the feelings are short lived and replaced with pride and hope. I like those feelings a lot more.
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Old 07-22-2015, 09:16 AM
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My dad and step-mother are coming to spend the night. I have mixed feelings about it, because she is a nutter and a big time gossip. I messaged her yesterday and told her that I don't drink anymore, and if they want wine with dinner to bring their own. She loves her wine. I wasn't going to say anything, and just not offer wine, but the idea of standing there in my kitchen telling her that I have no wine, and explaining why, and then dealing with both her anxiety and mine is just too much to handle. She usually finds a way to rile me up and get get my blood boiling, this is just my way of smoothing over the "situation" that I conjured up happening in my mind. I just don't want my not drinking to become a big deal with them and I have a feeling that it might be. She is the last person on earth I want to discuss my addiction with!

My step mother likes to gossip and talks about everyone. So, I know for a fact that any juicy tidbit she finds out about me and my family, she is off to her phone and calling all her sisters and daughters. She also likes to bring up stupid little things that annoy me about my past. The latest was about me losing my watch, it was a nice watch and it hurt me when it went missing. She liked to bring it up all the time, just to rehash the pain, lol. Truth! It probably sounds trivial to you guys, but to me, it's real. She likes to bring up unhappiness. I found that watch recently, by the way, and I will wear it with pride tonight. As I type this I realize how silly I sound, but she has ingrained some deep hurt over the last 20 or so years she's been around. I hate the fact that I have to pretend to like her, but it's all an act for my father sake.

I will not drink, in fact, I will be very proud of my not drinking tonight! While she gets sh!t faced and goofy, I will remain stead fast and confident.

I think I need to meditate.

I think I just rambled on and on in this post, but I just needed to get it out and vent.
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Old 07-22-2015, 09:50 AM
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Hey Cauliflower! Sometimes it's important to externalise your feelings to better understand how you feel and why

Vent away! This is a great safe place for venting!!!
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Old 07-22-2015, 09:54 AM
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Hey Cauliflower. I'm so sorry you have to deal with your stepmom. She sounds like someone who would drive me crazy too. I think it's great that you told them that you aren't drinking and that they should bring their own. If and when she asks why you're not drinking you can proudly tell her that you aren't and you feel great. I know that's it's easy to let someone like that get under your skin by thinking about all the gossiping she may do. If you think about it though, embarrassing things that you might have done while you were drunk are way more juicy than "she's not drinking".

Regarding your earlier question about having trouble sleeping, I find that when I work out I sleep much better. Maybe getting out and doing a jog/walk will help with the stress of the situation. Sending you lots of strength!
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Old 07-22-2015, 10:43 AM
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Thanks guys!
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Old 07-22-2015, 12:46 PM
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There was a name you had for stepmom before that was funny. What was that?

These people...and there's plenty of them...when they affect you (effect?? Don't recall nor care to..lol), they win. They don't deserve to win.
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Old 07-22-2015, 01:00 PM
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Yep! Important to try to steer clear of toxic relationships...but sometimes they can't be avoided :-/
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