Class of June 2015 Part 3
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,467
Thanks JL!
Loving your post Fradley, thank you for cheering me up this evening!
Struggling to sleep tonight, its 1.26am now and I feel wide awake.
Felt guilt and anger at myself earlier about the money Ive wasted that I couldn't afford to, not just on the booze but all that comes with it, taxi's, jukebox's, drinks for hangers on, makes me feel ill thinking about it. Hope that guilt and remorse eases in time, its unbearable at times, the mad thing is, its the very thing that kept me drinking right up until the end, was the fear of the feelings Im feeling now, so in the process of blanking it out Ive squandered even more money that I could have put to good use.
I sometimes feel like Im two split personalities, there's the shy, anxious, sensitive guy, and there's the madman, the maniac that goes absolutely crazy on drink. They both hate each other and try and wreck the others' existence, a true battle between good and evil.......
Spoke to my ever loyal sister earlier and she got me out of my own self pity. 'just draw a line in the sand and move on' she says. And so I must, Im alive and survived it all, I just have to yet again sweep up the wreckage left by the madman.
Loving your post Fradley, thank you for cheering me up this evening!
Struggling to sleep tonight, its 1.26am now and I feel wide awake.
Felt guilt and anger at myself earlier about the money Ive wasted that I couldn't afford to, not just on the booze but all that comes with it, taxi's, jukebox's, drinks for hangers on, makes me feel ill thinking about it. Hope that guilt and remorse eases in time, its unbearable at times, the mad thing is, its the very thing that kept me drinking right up until the end, was the fear of the feelings Im feeling now, so in the process of blanking it out Ive squandered even more money that I could have put to good use.
I sometimes feel like Im two split personalities, there's the shy, anxious, sensitive guy, and there's the madman, the maniac that goes absolutely crazy on drink. They both hate each other and try and wreck the others' existence, a true battle between good and evil.......
Spoke to my ever loyal sister earlier and she got me out of my own self pity. 'just draw a line in the sand and move on' she says. And so I must, Im alive and survived it all, I just have to yet again sweep up the wreckage left by the madman.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Omaha,NE
Posts: 372
Originally Posted by fradley 
thank you all
there is much here that chimes with me, dear travellers.
Got two hours sleep this afternoon after my all-nighter, and am in my home office, while my family sleeps . I can't get into any more project work - my eyes hurt, and i'm too weary to start anything meaningful. So now i am beating myself up for 'wasting time' reading through sr posts. I have to remember that less than 3 weeks ago i would have been deep into a bottle of shiraz by now, and probably on the hunt for cheese.
Av is lurking around...
Av1: " you have bust a gut to do all that work and what have you got to show for it -a cup of tea ? "
1. What i have is me back, for better or worse. I also have just that little bit extra cash - and a whole bunch of extra time.
Av2: " so you don't need me anymore - ok - let me shine a bright relentless light onto your real situation "
2. I can change my situation, and while that is taking its course, i can change my attitude to it.
Av3: "there is wine in the fridge still "
3. That's mrs f's wine. I don't do that sh*t anymore.
A few days ago i was obsessing about that wine - i got as far as telling mrs f that i may have to throw it down the sink, if she didn't hurry up and drink it - the point being that felt it necessary to point out to her that if she came back to find the wine bottle empty, i wanted her to know that it would definitely not be because i had drunk it.
She was happy enough with this strange pledge at 11am from a wide eyed crazy man, with whom she had decided to build a life.
The point is - i think - that that conversation was enough for me -a kind of tipping point. The sight of the bottle has not bothered me since, so i feel i have won a small but important battle.
Its day 19, 10.00pm - and i am where i am
sorry for the ramble, sometimes you just have to keep typing right?
there is much here that chimes with me, dear travellers.
Got two hours sleep this afternoon after my all-nighter, and am in my home office, while my family sleeps . I can't get into any more project work - my eyes hurt, and i'm too weary to start anything meaningful. So now i am beating myself up for 'wasting time' reading through sr posts. I have to remember that less than 3 weeks ago i would have been deep into a bottle of shiraz by now, and probably on the hunt for cheese.
Av is lurking around...
Av1: " you have bust a gut to do all that work and what have you got to show for it -a cup of tea ? "
1. What i have is me back, for better or worse. I also have just that little bit extra cash - and a whole bunch of extra time.
Av2: " so you don't need me anymore - ok - let me shine a bright relentless light onto your real situation "
2. I can change my situation, and while that is taking its course, i can change my attitude to it.
Av3: "there is wine in the fridge still "
3. That's mrs f's wine. I don't do that sh*t anymore.
A few days ago i was obsessing about that wine - i got as far as telling mrs f that i may have to throw it down the sink, if she didn't hurry up and drink it - the point being that felt it necessary to point out to her that if she came back to find the wine bottle empty, i wanted her to know that it would definitely not be because i had drunk it.
She was happy enough with this strange pledge at 11am from a wide eyed crazy man, with whom she had decided to build a life.
The point is - i think - that that conversation was enough for me -a kind of tipping point. The sight of the bottle has not bothered me since, so i feel i have won a small but important battle.
Its day 19, 10.00pm - and i am where i am
sorry for the ramble, sometimes you just have to keep typing right?
good stuff!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Omaha,NE
Posts: 372
Day 23.
Rather tired, so I'll save a real update for tomorrow. I'm half into a book that's really given me a new perspective. It's called Buck, I highly recommend it; it's not about addiction, but it is about over coming obstacles:
Survive and fear won't envelop you! Survive and the next day the horizon appears just as you thought you were breathing your last breath. I know something about life and death. I can't embrace life the way many people do but I know how to survive.
So it's no surprise when company disappears and the phone calls stop. On chance meetings at a store or the street, they examine me intensely, looking for "damage". I smile inside. The "damage" you are looking for has always been there. What you are seeing now is "survival"
Rather tired, so I'll save a real update for tomorrow. I'm half into a book that's really given me a new perspective. It's called Buck, I highly recommend it; it's not about addiction, but it is about over coming obstacles:
Survive and fear won't envelop you! Survive and the next day the horizon appears just as you thought you were breathing your last breath. I know something about life and death. I can't embrace life the way many people do but I know how to survive.
So it's no surprise when company disappears and the phone calls stop. On chance meetings at a store or the street, they examine me intensely, looking for "damage". I smile inside. The "damage" you are looking for has always been there. What you are seeing now is "survival"
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Wa
Posts: 93
Me too Humbug. Never give up. Sobriety only gives good things. Alcohol is such a liar. Thank you everyone for your support. Had a good day celebrating my son's 10th birthday. Now off to help with some Lego creations!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Omaha,NE
Posts: 372
Originally Posted by 1stepup
Thanks JL!
Loving your post Fradley, thank you for cheering me up this evening!
Struggling to sleep tonight, its 1.26am now and I feel wide awake.
Felt guilt and anger at myself earlier about the money Ive wasted that I couldn't afford to, not just on the booze but all that comes with it, taxi's, jukebox's, drinks for hangers on, makes me feel ill thinking about it. Hope that guilt and remorse eases in time, its unbearable at times, the mad thing is, its the very thing that kept me drinking right up until the end, was the fear of the feelings Im feeling now, so in the process of blanking it out Ive squandered even more money that I could have put to good use.
I sometimes feel like Im two split personalities, there's the shy, anxious, sensitive guy, and there's the madman, the maniac that goes absolutely crazy on drink. They both hate each other and try and wreck the others' existence, a true battle between good and evil.......
Spoke to my ever loyal sister earlier and she got me out of my own self pity. 'just draw a line in the sand and move on' she says. And so I must, Im alive and survived it all, I just have to yet again sweep up the wreckage left by the madman.
Loving your post Fradley, thank you for cheering me up this evening!
Struggling to sleep tonight, its 1.26am now and I feel wide awake.
Felt guilt and anger at myself earlier about the money Ive wasted that I couldn't afford to, not just on the booze but all that comes with it, taxi's, jukebox's, drinks for hangers on, makes me feel ill thinking about it. Hope that guilt and remorse eases in time, its unbearable at times, the mad thing is, its the very thing that kept me drinking right up until the end, was the fear of the feelings Im feeling now, so in the process of blanking it out Ive squandered even more money that I could have put to good use.
I sometimes feel like Im two split personalities, there's the shy, anxious, sensitive guy, and there's the madman, the maniac that goes absolutely crazy on drink. They both hate each other and try and wreck the others' existence, a true battle between good and evil.......
Spoke to my ever loyal sister earlier and she got me out of my own self pity. 'just draw a line in the sand and move on' she says. And so I must, Im alive and survived it all, I just have to yet again sweep up the wreckage left by the madman.
I made a lot of mistakes
You came to take us
All things go, all things go
To recreate us
All things grow, all things grow
We had our mindset
All things know, all things know
You had to find it
All things go, all things go
You came to take us
All things go, all things go
To recreate us
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=c_-cUdmdWgU
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 2,332
Today (Friday) will be day 23.
I found out yesterday my Mom's cancer might be back (she completed chemo for colon cancer a year ago this month, and is also a breast cancer survivor). We won't know anything until at least Monday when she sees her doctor. She had a hip replacement earlier this year and now also needs back surgery. She is in a lot of pain and when I talk to her, her breathing is labored. I am very worried. For the last 20 years, I have dealt with situations like this by drinking them away. I am struggling to find a way to deal with this sober.
I found out yesterday my Mom's cancer might be back (she completed chemo for colon cancer a year ago this month, and is also a breast cancer survivor). We won't know anything until at least Monday when she sees her doctor. She had a hip replacement earlier this year and now also needs back surgery. She is in a lot of pain and when I talk to her, her breathing is labored. I am very worried. For the last 20 years, I have dealt with situations like this by drinking them away. I am struggling to find a way to deal with this sober.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,351
Emme , my heart goes out to your long suffering poor Mum 20 years is such a long time to be unwell.
Drinking isn't going to fix it darling one. You need to stay clear & present as much as you can for her .
I know how damn hard that will be for you , but you don't want to live with regrets once she has gone , however long down the track that may be.
I regret not being ' present ' when my much loved Nanna died. Oh yes , I was there , but I certainly was NOT present.
I don't want you to have to feel that too.
Xxxxxxx
Drinking isn't going to fix it darling one. You need to stay clear & present as much as you can for her .
I know how damn hard that will be for you , but you don't want to live with regrets once she has gone , however long down the track that may be.
I regret not being ' present ' when my much loved Nanna died. Oh yes , I was there , but I certainly was NOT present.
I don't want you to have to feel that too.
Xxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 46
Just loving Fradley's post!
Been busy last few days so just catching up, Fradley you are such a star! your post gives me strength. one day you will look back at this stage in your life and be so proud of yourself. I am sure good things will happen for you.
It's day 10 for me and I had the most amazing nights sleep on Wednesday night - woke up really refreshed and positive on Thursday morning and had such a great day. Was still tired though despite getting 8 hours of blissful sleep. Went to bed at 9.30pm last night keen for more sleep and tossed and turned for ages. When I eventually got to sleep it was restless with weird dreams - felt so groggy this morning, similar to waking up in a drunken haze?? I even wanted to have a greasy bacon and egg breakfast - what's this all about?
Feel fed up and miserable but I have nothing to be sad about - life is good. I am not drinking nor do I want to. I am at a similar place to where Fradley is, - I just don't feel like putting myself through all that again. Waking up with a lousy hangover and being snappy and grumpy is how I feel today and i have not even drank. I don't like this feeling.
Finally I understand that alcohol does NOTHING FOR ME and I will not drink again. I will no longer be brainwashed into thinking I need it to be a better/ happier person because that's just a lie. I am not great when I drink (maybe in my head I am!) my family hate it and I hate the aftermath. Alcohol is a depressant and as the toxins finally leave my body that's probably what's going on now. Today is a blip, tomorrow will be a better day.
I will continue on my journey and have lots more days like yesterday where I feel calm, happy and free from having to worry about drinking. I am just going to get on with my life and make the very best of it. For one thing I will certainly remember all of it!!
Have a good weekend everyone!
It's day 10 for me and I had the most amazing nights sleep on Wednesday night - woke up really refreshed and positive on Thursday morning and had such a great day. Was still tired though despite getting 8 hours of blissful sleep. Went to bed at 9.30pm last night keen for more sleep and tossed and turned for ages. When I eventually got to sleep it was restless with weird dreams - felt so groggy this morning, similar to waking up in a drunken haze?? I even wanted to have a greasy bacon and egg breakfast - what's this all about?
Feel fed up and miserable but I have nothing to be sad about - life is good. I am not drinking nor do I want to. I am at a similar place to where Fradley is, - I just don't feel like putting myself through all that again. Waking up with a lousy hangover and being snappy and grumpy is how I feel today and i have not even drank. I don't like this feeling.
Finally I understand that alcohol does NOTHING FOR ME and I will not drink again. I will no longer be brainwashed into thinking I need it to be a better/ happier person because that's just a lie. I am not great when I drink (maybe in my head I am!) my family hate it and I hate the aftermath. Alcohol is a depressant and as the toxins finally leave my body that's probably what's going on now. Today is a blip, tomorrow will be a better day.
I will continue on my journey and have lots more days like yesterday where I feel calm, happy and free from having to worry about drinking. I am just going to get on with my life and make the very best of it. For one thing I will certainly remember all of it!!
Have a good weekend everyone!
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Botswana
Posts: 384
Lucyloo - Double figures - Look at you go !
If my post made you and a few others smile - yours, Lucy, has just made me cry.
It's not easy is it ? But boy is it better than the alternative.
A thought ... Given thr accumulated centuries of abuse, how much sleep do we all need to catch up on ?
I am never going to apologise for going to bed early !
Keep on carrying on everyone !
F
If my post made you and a few others smile - yours, Lucy, has just made me cry.
It's not easy is it ? But boy is it better than the alternative.
A thought ... Given thr accumulated centuries of abuse, how much sleep do we all need to catch up on ?
I am never going to apologise for going to bed early !
Keep on carrying on everyone !
F
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Newcastle
Posts: 908
Hello all
Day 7 for me today. Feeling quite good at work in the office. I'm actually looking forward to a weekend of sober plans. Tonight I am treating myself to a takeaway (I'm eating so much since I stopped drinking). On Saturday I am going into town to do some shopping and on Sunday I have plans to go and see some motor racing.
Still awaiting my first big craving, but I remain ready for it when it strikes. So far I've had no thoughts of drinking at all, which is good, but surely it can't stay like this?! I must not let my guard down and allow it to tempt me in. I remind myself of the desperation I was in just a few weeks ago and drinking quickly becomes the last thing on my mind.
Day 7 for me today. Feeling quite good at work in the office. I'm actually looking forward to a weekend of sober plans. Tonight I am treating myself to a takeaway (I'm eating so much since I stopped drinking). On Saturday I am going into town to do some shopping and on Sunday I have plans to go and see some motor racing.
Still awaiting my first big craving, but I remain ready for it when it strikes. So far I've had no thoughts of drinking at all, which is good, but surely it can't stay like this?! I must not let my guard down and allow it to tempt me in. I remind myself of the desperation I was in just a few weeks ago and drinking quickly becomes the last thing on my mind.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,850
Hello everyone,
Well, I made it thru another day yesterday sober. As bleak and depressing as my day began, it didn't end on that note. Everything is not fixed, nothing really has changed here, but me. I didn't drink, I'm sober 2day, and that means a lot to me. I feel I'm making progress still. Its very hard, but I worked thru it, again. I'm praying for the day drinking won't even enter my mind.
Emme, I'm so sorry about your Mom. I have an elderly Mom who is in poor helath, so I know how difficult it is. We are very close . Sending prayers and well wishes for you all.
Rah, thanks for your post yesterday. Relationships are difficult, and I drank my way thru a lot of things I didnt/don't want to deal with. But they are still there, and not likely to change anytime soon. I guess I'm afraid of how will I be able to deal with it all sober? But I'm sick of drinking myself to death over it. So, I've got to change. And change is scary.
Sulu, congrats on 1 week! Sounds like you've got a good plan for the weekend.
Congrats to everyone on their sober days. Let's add another one, shall we?
That's my plan for 2day.
Well, I made it thru another day yesterday sober. As bleak and depressing as my day began, it didn't end on that note. Everything is not fixed, nothing really has changed here, but me. I didn't drink, I'm sober 2day, and that means a lot to me. I feel I'm making progress still. Its very hard, but I worked thru it, again. I'm praying for the day drinking won't even enter my mind.
Emme, I'm so sorry about your Mom. I have an elderly Mom who is in poor helath, so I know how difficult it is. We are very close . Sending prayers and well wishes for you all.
Rah, thanks for your post yesterday. Relationships are difficult, and I drank my way thru a lot of things I didnt/don't want to deal with. But they are still there, and not likely to change anytime soon. I guess I'm afraid of how will I be able to deal with it all sober? But I'm sick of drinking myself to death over it. So, I've got to change. And change is scary.
Sulu, congrats on 1 week! Sounds like you've got a good plan for the weekend.
Congrats to everyone on their sober days. Let's add another one, shall we?
That's my plan for 2day.
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