SwimKim12

Amp, I can commiserate with you. I feel like I tend to withdraw when I am tired/lonely/cranky/etc. And it seems to be more often since I quit. In fact, I am really struggling with when it's appropriate to "let myself rest." For instance, when hungover, that was my excuse to take it easy - take a nap, lie around all day, etc. Now, when I want to do that I'm not comfortable with it - I tell myself I shouldn't be lying around all day because it's my day off from work and I should be getting things accomplished (I have a never-ending to-do list). Without the hangover excuse I'm having a hard time establishing that balance. I choose to sleep in this morning rather than attend the final conference session because I've been waking up early for the last week and felt like I needed rest. But I'm not really comfortable with it.

I think it's going to take some time to establish who we are and how we react to the world without alcohol. It seems really easy at first: "I feel great! I'm not drinking and not hungover!" but as that honeymoon effect wears off there is work to be done. And it hasn't been easy and I don't feel happy all the time. But, I know deep down that a sober life is so much better than a drinking life. So I'm going to stick with it. I hope you all do too!

amp123

You're right with that, I think. "Who am I?" Philosophers through the ages have grappled with this concept but in a slightly more existential realm!

I also grapple with the "who was l before this started" and "who was I while I was sabotaging my life".

Sadly I have realised that I can't be the same person I was... At least not for now.

I used to play music and loved every minute of it. Now when I play I want to drink. So I don't play. And I don't drink. And I feel sad.

Maybe it will get better or it's a blessing in disguise but it feels like a bummer. Sold a stratocaster today. Yay. Oh well.

SwimKim12

That sounds really sad, Amp. I've found that I'm triggered by situations and people, but not by something I used to love to do. I think someone mentioned this before, but maybe if you take a break from playing now it's something you can pick back up later when you've got the sober you more established.

I also feel like alcohol may have affected me more than I realized. I thought that bc I didn't drink everyday alcohol did not define who I was. But I feel different now. I do things I never would have done before, like have friendly small talk with strangers (random example). Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with not knowing who I am now and wanting to figure it out. I think it just takes time. Another meaning to the "one day at a time" mentality.

Cauliflower

This is how I look at myself. I am the same "me" on the inside looking out as I am today, as I was as a child, and as I was as one that abused alcohol. I look at my body and the surroundings as ever changing. When life changes, when I take a different path or start a new chapter I am still me looking out.

Deep down, I knew that drinking was not a good idea, but I chose to ignore the thoughts and desperately tried to find happiness and a meaningful life through self help books and meditation and health and fitness. The one thing that gnawed at my inner being, was the lying to myself about how alcohol was effecting me negatively. No matter what I did, I could not reach my potential. Eventually, I listened, and became fully aware of my drinking, became honest with the me looking out, and turned down a new path. This new path is new, raw, and a little rough around the edges.

I am discovering how to live my life to my fullest potential at 45 years old. I know what I like and don't like, what I can and cannot do, but I don't know what I am good at yet. So that is what I am looking to find out. If along the way I discover that I really don't like something, like working my personal business, which is a possibility, (I'm not sure if I lost interest, or am being lazy, or shelved it for now to concentrate on sobriety) but I will keep listening to myself and keep going forward. It's just being honest with yourself and not ignoring that little doubt in your mind that "something" is not quite right.

Cauliflower

Swimkim, I am still suffering from exhaustion most days. I do allow myself myself to rest, and man it feels good to just lie on the couch or in bed and just rest...even if it's just for a half hour, it feels good. I tell myself it's self care as my body needs to heal. So as long as it's not effecting some life threatening, job threatening priorities, nap away! Don't feel guilty about it at all and when you are resting, try to not think about anything, just let it all go.

SwimKim12

Thanks, Cauliflower. It's nice to know that others feel the same way 😀

Viperidae

I'm here. Honestly the worst day physically ill since I began this whole thing. I'd describe the situation, but it's not worth it. Suffice it to say I've definitely got some underlying physical issue, besides the mental stuff to fix.

Father is calling a lot to check what I am doing to get better. I think he'd throw a Maserati at the problem if he had to. The fact is nothing has happened . Was up from 8-11am, became overwhelmed with exhaustion, then just woke up again at 9:30pm. Some things contributing to this I know of.

Resting. Gotta get somewhat better

ZaBoozer

Good morning all. Catch up laggers.

amp123

Morning all! Hope you have a great sober day!

Soberwolf

OMD

Morning all,
So sorry about your feelings Amp. I guess all that can be said is that you're doing what you think is right and you're doing it with a clear head. Some music I won't listen to because it reminds me of drinking and great times. But paradoxically some of my favourites songs that I do still listen to are about drinking but were written by Tom Waits who stopped drinking many years ago, so I sort of feel an affinity. Complicated stuff.

Cauliflower i think you're right we probably are the same person inside but that's a long way down. I have been many people in my life. Like Amp, I miss some historic aspects.

But one thing is for sure - although I have done and still do more than my fair share of wobbling, right now I truly feel better than I can ever remember. I am accepting that some things won't be the same (some friendships) and these are important things and also make me sad but this is my choice and I am happy with my choice, and those around me are happy with my choice.

I am also very lucky to have found this wonderful group of people to help me with my choice, because it is not always easy.

And Kim if I want a nap do I take one? Hell yeah!

Have a great day!
OMD
Ps went swimming again

OMD

Johnny if you're sleeping a lot please remember to eat and drink properly when you wake. You're gonna need the gas in the tank.
Good luck
OMD

amp123

Hey OMD. If you want to hear a great song about drinking try In The Gutter by Mick Flannery. The version live at the Cork Opera House is good.

Viperidae

Checking in. We'll see what today holds, besides no booze.

I'm supposed to be taking my dads help and getting a doctor and therapist, etc. As far as the psychiatrist goes I think it's a terrible idea to see someone while in the throws of detox, because there is no baseline. I could sleep all day for 2 weeks and that's detox. I'm probably over thinking. I've been getting allergies for years from booze. Amazing I was stupid enough to keep it up. Now they are unbelievable. It's like being allergic to cats and rubbing your face all over one 5 times a day.

Goes with the other sensitivities to foods. That needs to be part of the treatment plan. I mentioned that a while back.

I just need to do SOMETHING. Anything. Make move John, you idiot!!!

Thanks for listening. I know you guys are about a zillion miles ahead of me. I feel self conscious here now.

amp123

Don't worry Johnny, it won't last forever! Good to see you being so proactive!

Cauliflower

Hey johnny, your not an idiot. We are all newbies to this sober thing, so stick around, keep posting, you can do it.

Incontrol15

I can understand your views Johnny.

First you know we're all gonna say don't feel self conscious for being here. But you feel what you feel. Just know this....we really do care for you. April is home base buddy. There's going to be a time when you have 30-60days under your belt too. You're going to be very proud of yourself and happy you finally broke free from the death grips of alcoholism. You're going to be feeling 1000% better. And you know what, we want to share that joy with you. We want it so much that we'll pick you up when you fall and offer words of encouragement.

Do you feel your a lesser man than us? Because that is far from the truth. And God's honest truth, I feel you are a stronger man than I. YOU are fighting this fight harder than most. You are not quitting the battle and I really respect that. A ton.

Regarding therapy...you are really smart and in tune with what's going on. Part of the reason your so smart is because you've had experiences to make you wiser. Ultimately, you are over thinking it.

I'll share something that has helped me in more ways than I can list here. I had a mental shift that has changed my life. I basically gave up. I consider myself very smart. I honestly feel I'm smarter than most people I meet. But I know that I'm very smart only with certain things. I'm smart in those areas where I have applied myself, have experience with, or things that interest me.

When it comes to alcoholism, I am not smart enough (yet) to pull myself out of it. So I stopped trying to think my way out of it. I gave up trying to do what I thought needed to be done. Instead, I listened and read and accepted it all to be 100% true. Instead of figuring out the best path to take or which path would be easiest or most effective, I relied on others to give me a map.

AA talks about giving up and letting God give those directions. I get that. I don't want to get too deep into God right now. But there really is a lot to say about stop trying to figure it out on your own.

Point being....just do what your Dad says. It's easy. He may not be perfect and have the absolute way out, but the chances that his suggestions are going to help is faaaar more likely to be true than anything you/me can conjure up. Maybe not. But that is one example.

Seeing a therapist when your at your worst is more beneficial than seeing one when you're ok. Let them see just how F'd up you are. It truly helps them help you much easier. When you go, just give in. Don't judge, don't have concerns if you think he/she is good, or if he/she will understand you, etc. Simply give in and find out the hard way.

Cauliflower

Morning everybody. Just checking in.
It is going to be hot one today, may have to turn on the a/c this afternoon. I am rather enjoying the quiet mornings lately.
I finished my book, The Signature of all Things last night. It was beautifully written, and it takes you back in time to the 1800's, and we travelled from England, to the US, to the Polynesian Island of Tahiti, Holland, and all ports in between. It was a great adventure, with a strange story line. But I am glad I finished it.

I am now reading Unwasted: My Lush Sobriety by Sacha Z. Scoblic
So far so good.

Viperidae

Thanks everyone. I'm not being that proactive, I always talk about things and then I do nothing. There is some terror inside me that I'm afraid to go near. I especially hate spending money when it's not mine. It's coming from a person who switches between nice and crazy or mean.

Well I am going to therapy at 6 today. At least that's a safe place where I can be completely honest and sort through some stuff with a cool guy. He's a Brit, so much different than dealing with an American. And my current psychiatrist is a South African (or from South Africa, no clue about the terms), he is hilarious.

Lily123

Hi everyone just checking in. Hope everyone has a good day