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Class of May 2015 (Part 4)

Old 06-01-2015, 09:10 PM
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Every time I drink, feel like I've lied to everyone or lied to myself. I know drink a fraction of of what I used to, but I feel like I can't break through to abstinence. Always keep sliding at around 2 weeks. Kinda down on myself
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Old 06-01-2015, 09:13 PM
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You need other healthier ways to deal with stress and anxiety I think JL.

You absolutely can stay sober - but maybe a definite plan is needed too?

this link is a beauty:
https://store.samhsa.gov/shin/conten...0/SMA-3720.pdf
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Old 06-02-2015, 02:21 AM
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I had the meet. Both employers sat in, we talked for a good hour. Things that happened on the way and when there:
Bus driver decided to play a game of start and stop, so when I got off the bus, the whole of my right side was on fire due to all the hits my back took. Great start.
Limped to the office, totally anxious, sat down in my office and the employers came. What happened next... Was a small miracle!
First, they said they know what depression feels like, said that I should have just brutally taken time off before, because 'the people are important, work can wait'
Working from home is no problem. I was the one pushing for regular reports, they couldn't care less. Said that it will show up in the work anyways and so far I've been 'very proficient' in my writings
The lady boss then asked about the proofread/editing course I mentioned. Asked for the website, said she'll give me the money so I can start it when I wish to and don't have to keep saving up for what would have been at least another 2-3 months. The skills I'll improve and gain there will be paramount to the office moving forward.
I also pitched an idea I had about writing a book/studybook. Emoyers said once I get started, they'll get me a book deal with the local science publishing house, because the work I pitched is needed both in my native language as well as in English.
I then spent half an hour just talking to one of them and brainstorming about our current project.

I am so relieved. Thank you all for your support. You guys are awesome
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Old 06-02-2015, 03:20 AM
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Thats excellent news kkik - I'm happy for you

D
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Old 06-02-2015, 03:25 AM
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Checking in at 2 days into Month Two.

Feeling pretty proud of how far I've come vs where I came from - stay strong everyone, if I can get to the One Month mark, everyone can - wasn't so long ago that I found the idea of going one day without drinking 3 or 4 big bottles of Leo beer unthinkable.

Though admittedly I do sometimes feel that if I didn't have 1) my teaching jobs keeping me on the straight and narrow, and 2) Wat Tam Wua to go to - the meditation retreat being basically a free rehab, with free accommodation, vegetarian food, and the meditation to deal with and examine the mental phenomena which led to my wanting to drink, things would be a load worse now.

I'm basically incredibly lucky here, on many levels. But on other levels, quitting drinking in Thailand is no small feat - drinking is well and truly part of the lifestyle here, especially among westerner backpacker/travellers - and whilst there are places like Wat Tam Wua, formal alcohol services are few and far between, for Thai-speakers as well as English-speakers (for anything to do with the mind, the standard practice here is to send the sufferer to the monks).

And when you're a teacher here, you're expected to work, barring obvious physical sickness - teachers are expected to be Role Models, so if I was visibly struggling with alcoholism, smelling of beer, visibly hungover etc, chances are my rep would suffer.

Though like I've said before, Thailand is ultimately what you make it. You've got more or less complete freedom to make a new life for yourself, and if you want to, find something to replace drinking/partying. Which is more or less what I've done.

Big up da sober crewdem yo xxxxx
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Old 06-02-2015, 04:12 AM
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Thank you Dee. Going to read through at work today.
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Old 06-02-2015, 04:43 AM
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Day twentysomething: something

Lost track of what sober day it is, think 25. Whatever, counting is getting old.

With the parasite adequately tranquilized I'm trying to move past this all. Yesterday I forgot to think about alcohol. Guess I had too many other things to think about and it crowded drinking thoughts out.

Good luck to all.

4
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Old 06-02-2015, 05:24 AM
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Quick check in to start day 26. Just saw a HUGE alligator stroll across our yard on his way to the lake behind the house. No swimming in that lake!

Glad your employers were so understanding, kkik5.

JL2014, hang in there buddy. You're a smart man and are on the right track. I have no doubt you'll figure out that last piece of the puzzle.

Thanks to everyone else who checked in this morning. Sorry I didn't answer you individually. Hope everyone has a safe and sober day. Remember you don't have to take that first drink NO MATTER WHAT.
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Old 06-02-2015, 06:44 AM
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Checking in on Day 16...
Anxiety/heart racing still comes at times, but I am trying to deal with it as best I can. I'll work on that.... just breathe

Great news kkik5! That's a huge burden off your shoulders for sure.

Happy sober Tuesday everyone!
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Old 06-02-2015, 06:52 AM
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Good morning
I wish I could respond to you all. I'm stuck on my phone and we all know how typing on the see things are!
Kkik I am so glad you got work sorted out!
JL hang in there I know you can do this. Breaking though those days that normally trip us up is hard. 3&7 always seem super hard to me. But I feel once I push past those days it gets a bit easier. Maybe you could plan something extra to do on your hard days just to get through them and once you are on the other side it will feel easier?

I'll post more later. My 6yo wants to read with me.
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Old 06-02-2015, 06:52 AM
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Day 16.

Simply put, I'm struggling. 8am and I'm struggling. I thought about just leaving it at that. But, since I can't hold the attention of anyone in my life for more than 5 seconds at a time unless I've wrecked a car, ended up in jail or in hospital, here is the only place I've got to share any of my inner garbage. At least here you can choose to read or skip over the half- masticated thoughts I regurgitate.

Currently, drinking is the foremost thought in my mind and simultaneously the furthest thought from it. I don't entirely understand it myself but that's how it seems to be. These thoughts, along with lack of sleep due to night terrors and hyperactive anxiety due largely in part I'm sure to coming up on day 21 (the day I always blow it) has left me feeling defeated.

All of this is compounded by the increasing amount of threads here lately of people with extended periods of sobriety picking up the bottle again. People whom I view, as I view all people (myself excluded) that have certain innate capabilities. Such as the knowledge/skills to survive in this world, strength, courage, varying degrees of self-love, or at least some semblance of self-preservation. If people who possess such things can't seem to stay away from the bottle, what hope is there for me? I have no such capabilities or qualities and have only once even made it to the 30 day mark of my own volition. My 16 month stint of sobriety I don't count as it was forced and in a highly controlled environment. I learned nothing of myself and had no joy in abstinence. I was simply an addict who was stripped of their drugs and alcohol.

On top of that, aren't we all ever just one drink away from ruining ourselves regardless of time sober? Will I forever fear what lies in the shadows? Feeling a compulsion to check over my shoulder?

I'm not sure I've got what it takes to do this for my entire life. I don't want to forever fight the compulsion to drink and self-destruct. I don't want to resign and accept the fact that I'm an addict of many faces. Right now, I'm not sure what I do want.

It's all a bit too much at the moment.
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Old 06-02-2015, 08:05 AM
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Originally Posted by kkik5 View Post
I had the meet. Both employers sat in, we talked for a good hour. Things that happened on the way and when there:
Bus driver decided to play a game of start and stop, so when I got off the bus, the whole of my right side was on fire due to all the hits my back took. Great start.
Limped to the office, totally anxious, sat down in my office and the employers came. What happened next... Was a small miracle!
First, they said they know what depression feels like, said that I should have just brutally taken time off before, because 'the people are important, work can wait'
Working from home is no problem. I was the one pushing for regular reports, they couldn't care less. Said that it will show up in the work anyways and so far I've been 'very proficient' in my writings
The lady boss then asked about the proofread/editing course I mentioned. Asked for the website, said she'll give me the money so I can start it when I wish to and don't have to keep saving up for what would have been at least another 2-3 months. The skills I'll improve and gain there will be paramount to the office moving forward.
I also pitched an idea I had about writing a book/studybook. Emoyers said once I get started, they'll get me a book deal with the local science publishing house, because the work I pitched is needed both in my native language as well as in English.
I then spent half an hour just talking to one of them and brainstorming about our current project.

I am so relieved. Thank you all for your support. You guys are awesome
That's fantastic!! Could there have been a better outcome? I mean, aside from the bus driver? We are so ecstatic for you!!! Your whole world just opened up to a brand new chapter. Make it count!
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Old 06-02-2015, 08:24 AM
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Originally Posted by Copper442 View Post
Day 16.

Simply put, I'm struggling. 8am and I'm struggling. I thought about just leaving it at that. But, since I can't hold the attention of anyone in my life for more than 5 seconds at a time unless I've wrecked a car, ended up in jail or in hospital, here is the only place I've got to share any of my inner garbage. At least here you can choose to read or skip over the half- masticated thoughts I regurgitate.

Currently, drinking is the foremost thought in my mind and simultaneously the furthest thought from it. I don't entirely understand it myself but that's how it seems to be. These thoughts, along with lack of sleep due to night terrors and hyperactive anxiety due largely in part I'm sure to coming up on day 21 (the day I always blow it) has left me feeling defeated.

All of this is compounded by the increasing amount of threads here lately of people with extended periods of sobriety picking up the bottle again. People whom I view, as I view all people (myself excluded) that have certain innate capabilities. Such as the knowledge/skills to survive in this world, strength, courage, varying degrees of self-love, or at least some semblance of self-preservation. If people who possess such things can't seem to stay away from the bottle, what hope is there for me? I have no such capabilities or qualities and have only once even made it to the 30 day mark of my own volition. My 16 month stint of sobriety I don't count as it was forced and in a highly controlled environment. I learned nothing of myself and had no joy in abstinence. I was simply an addict who was stripped of their drugs and alcohol.

On top of that, aren't we all ever just one drink away from ruining ourselves regardless of time sober? Will I forever fear what lies in the shadows? Feeling a compulsion to check over my shoulder?

I'm not sure I've got what it takes to do this for my entire life. I don't want to forever fight the compulsion to drink and self-destruct. I don't want to resign and accept the fact that I'm an addict of many faces. Right now, I'm not sure what I do want.

It's all a bit too much at the moment.
Copper, sounds like most of that is "pure AV", like I'm being told my BS sounds like. You know what? When we stop thinking about not drinking just for today and start thinking about "never drinking again for as long as we live," we're pretty much defeated.

I believe you can break through your previous sober ceiling and continue on down the road, but you can't do it by worrying about tomorrow and beyond. We both need to just take on the day and forget about the rest.

Are you with me? What other people decide to do doesn't concern us. We have to make decisions for ourselves.

People keep asking "What's your plan? Do you have a plan?" I honestly can't say that I do. I think that's the next thing that I need to formulate. Maybe it's something you should think about too. (((Hugs)))
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Old 06-02-2015, 08:28 AM
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And on that note, something occurred to me while I was cleaning the fish bowl (I have a Betta) today that I wanted to say here cause it was a clear description of how I feel right now, and why I'm so vulnerable to making bad choices the past few days.

I feel like I've been sleep walking the past 27 days and I just woke up and don't remember how I got here! I literally can't remember what I did or what I thought to keep myself strong to get this far. It's like I have woken up and still think I'm the person I was last month, so going back to drinking doesn't seem dangerous. It's the only way I can describe my cavalier attitude on Sunday.

Does this make sense to anybody??? Is this normal in the early stages of recovery? Does anyone remember what I was saying in the beginning posts on the May class thread? Maybe I need to go back and read what I wrote. It's really that bad.

Thank you, everyone. I'll be okay but I'm feeling a bit clueless at the moment. I'm going to be sober today. Are y'all?
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Old 06-02-2015, 08:59 AM
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Copper, there is nothing magical about 21 days that makes you more liable to choose to take that first drink then. It's no different than day 8 or day 14 or day 28 or day 787.

I'm coming to realize that acceptance is a huge key for me. Accepting that yes I am an alcoholic but as long as I don't take that first drink I won't lose control and take that second or third or tenth drink. Accepting that I'm not going to take that first drink no matter what.

I know I keep repeating those three words "no matter what" in all my posts but they're of the most vital importance to me today. They're a reminder that the first drink is the one
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Old 06-02-2015, 09:07 AM
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Copper I totally get what you're saying. Not drinking and not thinking about drinking are two different things. For all of us the next drink could be the one that takes us down for good and the addiction keeps trying to make us forget that.

I'm pretty high anxiety today and I have no idea why.
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Old 06-02-2015, 09:25 AM
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(Sorry about the double post. Horrible phone internet connection right now. )

Copper, there is nothing magical about 21 days that makes you more liable to choose to take that first drink then. It's no different than day 8 or day 14 or day 28 or day 787. Don't build that day up to be anything more than it is: another ordinary day.

Now don't get me wrong, I've made the same declarations over and over again. It's hard not to make those associations in our heads. Did it in here over the last month--"Days 7 to 11 are always a danger zone for me...I've drank on day 39 at least three or four times...same with day 54...never made it past day 69..." But I'm starting to realize today that's just my addiction trying to plan my relapse in advance. And that none of those predictions will come true as long as I don't take that first drink no matter what.

I'm coming to realize that acceptance is a huge key for me. Accepting that yes I am an alcoholic but as long as I don't take that first drink I won't lose control and take that second or third or tenth drink. Accepting that I'm not going to take that first drink no matter what.

I know I keep repeating those three words "no matter what" in all my posts but they're of the most vital importance to me today. They're a reminder that the first drink is the one that I always have ultimate control over and that there is no destiny or inevitable collision out there silently waiting for me. I really don't have to get drunk today...as long as I don't choose to take that first drink.

Sometimes that "no matter what" is a struggle, some days it's a full out battle, some days it's easy for me to accept. But all days it's a truth. And I do believe the hundreds and hundreds of recovering alcoholics on this site and at AA meetings (which I'm not attending this time, at least for now) who say that time diminishes the battles. One day at a time.

If you're not sleeping because of night terrors, that's probably a huge issue for you. I know nothing about sleep problems so can't say too much. Have you sought medical attention?

As for others deciding to drink again, you have no control over their choice. And we don't really know what was going on in their minds or lives that led to that decision. But we do know that they didn't like what they found in the bottle and chose to come back in here and make that daily commitment to sobriety again. And we also know there are many recovering alcoholics here who have not made that decision to drink again for continuous days and months and years and years.

Thank you for your honesty in your thought-provoking post. Been typing this on my phone so it probably doesn't make much sense, but I wanted you to know that I got a lot out of what you had to say and am sorry you're hurting right now. I'm here to help as much as I can.
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Old 06-02-2015, 09:26 AM
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Thanks Cissy, Casey, and Allie.

Cissy, you called BS. It's funny how it never seems or feels that way in the moment until someone else brings it to your attention. Thank you. I have a plan but I'm beginning to think it sucks.

Casey, thank you. I know you're right. I struggle with the notion that I'm in control of whether I take that first drink or not. In that moment when presented with an opportunity I shut down. I completely detach from my body and inside I'm screaming, "don't do it. Run away" but I watch myself pick up and drink as I sit paralyzed in my own head. Recoiling into myself I'm sure developed when I was younger and got scared but it's hindering me now. It sounds like a cop out and maybe it is. I struggle to bring myself out of it though and that scares me. About the sleep issues, I haven't addressed them with a doctor. In some twisted way I feel I deserve to suffer through it.

Allie, hope I didn't contribute to your anxious state.
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Old 06-02-2015, 09:26 AM
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I hope peace comes over you like a warm blanket, Alliekat. If you're drinking anything caffeinated, I'd dump what's left in your cup.

Casey, I forgot to say something about that big gator. I could never live where you couldn't swim in the fresh water rivers and lakes. I don't want to worry about bodily harm.
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Old 06-02-2015, 09:34 AM
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Originally Posted by Cissy View Post
I hope peace comes over you like a warm blanket, Alliekat. If you're drinking anything caffeinated, I'd dump what's left in your cup.

Casey, I forgot to say something about that big gator. I could never live where you couldn't swim in the fresh water rivers and lakes. I don't want to worry about bodily harm.
It was at least nine feet long Cissy. After I posted it walked the couple hundred feet from that lake across our yard and swam off into the Gulf of Mexico. Needless to say we're just fishing in this water and saving the swimming for a pool in town.
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