Viperidae

Cissy, many times I have gone and sat in my car outside the bar and just stared. Most of the time I drive off. Other times I my mind is made up and I eventually go in. That's the time to have a panic button for SR or a sober buddy on the phone. But, you (I) will ignore that entire system if the mind is made up. I know that if I go to Newcomers and post in the general section ('Help, going to drink!) that 20 people will respond in 60 seconds. But I don't do that. I think of it, but I don't do it. Something for me to think about.

BTW Cissy are you dealing with the midwest storms? It's ok if you don't want to say where you are. I'm East and we just got some leftovers from the midwest. Honestly, it's refreshing to have some cool, thundery weather.

TY, have a good day everyone.

Freedom1982

Hi all just checking in. Over the flu and had another hectic day at work. It is heading to winter here in my part of the world. Now to look for some good activities for the cold weather. The mountain biking in the morning is not as much fun anymore. Any suggestions will be helpful.

Good luck to all for the month of June. Lets make this class stand the test of time.

Cissy

Johnny, I'm in CT. I guess we got leftovers from the Midwest storms here too. Something strange happens when they reach where I live though. Some sort of marine layer of air that makes the storms sometimes dissipate. Makes it hard to know whether to give drugs to the dear old dog or not. They aren't working anymore anyway. Guess she needs something new.

I have never done anything like you're describing, sitting outside a bar (or in my case, a liquor store or other store that sells beer.) It's never been anything like that. But like you said about contacting SR for emergency assistance, when I left the house to go down and buy a six pack, I didn't want any help. I wanted a six pack! I was calm and just wanted something I felt that I had most definitely earned. I didn't feel there would be monumental consequences to my actions. I wasn't throwing in the towel, just taking an evening off.

I know in the past that was all it took to derail me but I felt strong enough that I could do it. That's the damndest part of it! It's those feelings and thoughts that get us into trouble. It's the slippery slope, thinking we can be like normal people who just want some "Miller Time."

TEN, you're right! I lost my Z. Where the hell is my Z? I don't even recall what I said my Z was! Has anybody seen it? I think it was to not drink for today. And that thought never crossed my mind. Drinking today was the only thought! "Just for today, I will drink." Reversed and deadly.

I'm not afraid to tell her I'm moving out for fear of upsetting her, I have a bit of reverse "agoraphobia." I am extremely uncomfortably having people come into my home. I don't even know if there's a name for it but there must be. Telling her I'm leaving means she's coming over here. And worse than that, she's going to go over the place with a critical eye. That means I'm even more vulnerable than if she were just coming over for tea.

And she has $1k of my money and can choose to hold back any of it if she sees things that she feels were my doing. Landlords have a way of forgetting what was there when you moved in and I don't think I took time to take pics of flaws.

I emailed her last night and lowered the boom. Today, no response. I just texted her a few minutes ago to see if she received it. She wrote, "Sadly, yes. I'll call you later today." So, now I know for sure that she knows. Sending the damn email and still not knowing if she got it was more than enough to make me have to go the extra step to make sure.

I think in there among those other feelings are the sense that I myself am being examined and judged and that is a tough one for me to handle. "Don't judge me" was a big thing I used to say when someone said something to me about maybe having had too much to drink. I recall being at a marina where my nephew keeps his large boat and laying on a dock enjoying the shade and the breeze and one stupid "woman" said something like "don't roll off" and I took that to mean I was so inebriated that she actually thought I was going to fall into the water. I became indignant and infuriated. I don't know if I made much more of a comment after that but I got up and drove home. I don't remember the drive. I didn't even say goodbye to anyone. I knew I'd get nothing but flack.

So having her come is somewhat like judgment too. It's complicated, people! Things are never what they seem. There are so many emotions intertwined with simple things in life, depending on what triggers they trip for us.

I have to find my Z again. Can't believe I lost it.

Cissy

So glad your flu is over, Freedom. That must be a relief. Winter activities in south Africa? You're asking the wrong person. How severe are winters down there? I would think they aren't so tough.

Cissy

We need dirt. Tell us more, please. I am disabled for anxiety so I can at least commiserate with you. Why don't you talk about it all here? The no judgment zone. (((HUGS)))

Freedom1982

Winters are not that hectic. Gets down to negative single digit celcius and up to about 10 to 15 degree celcius. Think I will start catching up on some series. Maybe buy a spinning bike with all the money I saved this month.
Maybe pull out the old X Box again.

Good luck with the landlord. I am sure it will all go fine.

sagittarius714

day 25 here. Just wanted to say hi. I finally caught up on the whole thread yesterday, wow!

You guys are great!

Have a wonderful day!

Soberwolf

Keep up the good work guys you are all awesome

ChickChick

Day 8, struggling a bit at the moment. I'm a bit tired, I'm sure it has to do with that. Not to much chance of getting rest until bed time. I'm thinking of all the reasons I want to be sober. It's keeping AV at bay. But the niggling thought of drinking is going though my brain every little bit.

Thinking of you all.

live4luv

Checking in - seven days sober (this time).

I have been trying for almost two years now to remain sober.

I have learned valuable insight since finding SR and reading everyones' posts and words of wisdom.

One very helpful term I learned, Urge Surging. I had never heard of that before. I did some reading on the subject and plan to do more. I believe it will help me when my AV starts trying to take over again.

My previous failed attempts stemmed from lonliness and boredom. But after my last fall from the wagon, I have noticed the progression of the disease.

Where I used to drink one bottle of wine, which turned into one and half and then two, 4 out of 7 nights a week - Suddenly I was buying boxes of wine and wanting to drink more often (during the day).

This really scared me!!

I am happy to surrender - and accept a life with absolutely no alcohol in my future. And I feel a bit more prepared this go around after reading how some of your fight the AV and the compulsion.

Thank you for listening :-)

kk1k5x

I don't know if I have good dirt for you, but. Got a job early this year, very excited about it, interesting tasks, good employers. But the pay is small. Very small, truth be told - I'm in the field of legal research and I make 1.5 times the minimum wage here. I don't know anyone who goes through law school to make 'that' kind of money, but the work was interesting, I didn't have any other source of income anyways and as it was an up-and-coming place, the hopes for better money down the road were alive and well.

Thing is, the office is in another city. 30 miles from where I live, so every day I went in, an 8 hour workday was approximately 12 hours for me, because I use the bus for the commute. And this started gnawing away at me. I was doing, what I perceived of as, quite important work (I know this type of work elsewhere in the world would fetch a lot more in terms of pay), but nothing was happening. I didn't manage to get my master's thesis done because of the workload - the style of work there is relaxed mostly, but when it's on, it's on. Master's degree was one requirement for a raise, so I could kiss that goodbye for another full year ...

Considered all kinds of options, mainly about moving to the other city - but there's the rub. I make enough to get by (I would even say rather comfortably, considering) when living at home, but I don't even come close to earning enough to rent an apartment where my workplace is. Unless it's some kind of rundown piece of crap with a shared bathroom somewhere down the hall... So I felt stuck basically.

Then, a couple of months ago, my health issues started. I didn't realise how bad my health was before I got that job. University was never 5 days a week and never 8 hours a day straight up, so I was able to remain under the impression that my health was 'just fine'. I'm morbidly obese, but I'll get to that in a bit. The health thing started off with a 3-week flu. At one point, the coughs got so bad that I actually passed out at home. Started coughing, everything was fuzzy and then I wake up on the floor. Fun. So I slowly got over that. Went back to work for maybe a week? One evening I get on the bus to come home, goddamn bus doesn't have shades for the windows. The sun is in my face for more than an hour, the bus is totally packed and I had nothing to cover my head with. Got off the bus, felt an intense thirst and a cold sensation. Went home, had shivers already then, took my temp - 100 degrees (or something like that, 39 in Celsius). Missed work again for a couple of days. Went back again.
Then, someone offered me an opportunity to make some money carrying firewood, like a family type thing - help out and they 'compensate' it. Knowing full well that I have a bad back, I still said 'yes' and then completely effed my back up. It still hurts now, even though its been more than a month.

All of the above + the 'always tired, no time for myself' routine got to me. I was sober for more than 2 months, until I felt like I couldn't take it anymore. And I drank, the relapse was a few days before Mother's day. That's probably when I opened up the floodgates for my depression to reach its 'boiling point'. Lie in bed, darkened room, don't want to talk to anyone, the works.
The back injury was an old sports accident back when I was still very active in high school. When I first got the injury, they told me no rigorous exercise for 6-8 months. I was already acquainted with alcohol back then and given that I had to work out 7 times a week to stay in shape (thanks, genes), I just threw in the towel. So I regained all the weight I had lost and was a lardo again, with a big drinking problem. And the destructive seeds I had sown when I was 18-19, really showed up now that I'm 25. I basically have the health of an ailing 80 yr old.

Now, the talk with employer made me anxious because I've been away from work so much, but it's been sporadic so I didn't take sick leave. I know, for a fact, that most of my work can be easily done from a distance. The only real times I'd need to be at the office are when you're tasked with some sort of group work, but that has happened once or twice in 8 months. Other times you just 'research away' on your own, so I think that's doable from home.

Tomorrow is the judgement day. With my depression (psychiatrist appointment in the end of June), my current inability to even sit for a couple of hours and my horrible health in general, I'm not even fit enough to work an office job properly from nine to five. So I'm going to ask whether there is a 'work from home' option. Even though I don't make a lot, I'd still be willing to take some sort of pay-cut so it would be fair to those who go in every day. Thing is, even though the workplace compensates for my commutes, it is nowhere near worth wasting 3-4 hours of my day on riding a bus to go to a place to do a job that I will be doing on my laptop, anyways. Does that make any sense?!

If I get the opportunity (depends on whether my skills are still needed at the office or not) for a work-from-home job, then I'll be better off for now, even if that means a pay-cut. If I don't, then at about 11 a.m tomorrow, I'll be out of a job pretty much. And that would be back to square one for me.

This was a big-time rant, but it's to give my classmates an overview of what I'm dealing with.

Once again, does what I said make any sense? And how would you guys act in this situation?
All I know is that going back to no income would be devastating, but to keep going the way things are at the moment is pretty much out of the question as well. The reluctant feelings would only get deeper (the commute thing) and I'd simply have a full-scale breakdown somewhere down the road.

Thanks for reading

CaseyW

kkik5--I think you need to make whatever decision is best for your health, both mental and physical. Sounds like you are on the right path for that. Hope they have an option for you to work at home but if not there will be other jobs that are a better fit. But worry about that when you cross that bridge.

I am blessed to not suffer from depression or anxiety aside from the every day ordinary life stuff but have a lot of family members with major depression issues. I do now that from being around them and also from the experiences I've heard here on SR and in AA meetings that alcohol is never an answer in these cases. Depressant alcohol on top of other depression and/or anxiety issues is a horrible combination.

Thank you so much for being willing to open up and share so honestly with us. I'm doubting anything I said is any good for you, but your sharing has helped me today. Please keep us updated and don't be afraid to run into here or the busier Newcomers forum if you need help. Wishing the best for you...

kk1k5x

Thanks, Casey, I really needed that right now.

Dee74

I hope they can help you work out some option to keep working kkik.
I know how debilitating health issues can be and I empathise entirely.

wishing you the best

D

Cissy

Kkik5, you've got a lot on your plate right now. If I can make a suggestion, please don't offer to take a pay cut in exchange for working from home!!! Point out that you will be saving them money from needlessly paying for your transportation to and from the job 5 days a week. And tell them that working from home will improve your work performance as well. Just point out all the great things and let them point out what they don't think is so great.

If you're in law, then you know how to formulate a good argument. Do that, walk in there with your head held high, knowing how well you do your job and take it from there. Did you say you were 25 or did I get that wrong?

Kudos to you for being on this sobriety cruise even when the seas are roaring! That's the real test of your commitment. Please let us know how everything goes tomorrow. We care. <3

As for me, I completed the final room in my house and I can relax some now and take the smaller tasks one at a time. The apartment will shine like a brand new penny and I will be pleased to show it off and invite not only the landlady in but each prospective new tenant as well.

It's crazy cold here today. Raining buckets too. I got a siren thing going off on my phone about 2 hours ago. It was a flood alert! I live in an area that floods, too. It hasn't in the 3 years I've lived here but I have pics of how bad it can get. I'll see if I can find one or two from the people who live upstairs. They shared them with me when I moved in. Made me almost choke, thinking back to when the landlady said if I wanted a veggie garden, it should be a raised bed one. Seeing the pics, maybe she meant to put the garden on the roof of the old barn/shed in the back!

I hope I can find a picture. Brb.

Cissy

Wow. Landlady finally called. It was a very strange conversation. Very cut and dry. It didn't feel like we had much of a rapport and that surprised me. If I were a dog, my head would be cocked to the side. Anyway, she said she'll come Wednesday afternoon, pick up the rent check for June, do the walk through and that will be that. She asked which pieces of furniture I was interested in buying from her and I told her and she said we could talk about it then. Very weird.

Cissy

I lost my interest in finding a pic of the flooding. Probably wouldn't load anyway, due to its size. It won't happen this time anyway. Last time was secondary to a weak hurricane.

kk1k5x

Thanks for your support, Cissy.
I've actually done this work from home plenty of times. Thing is, my employers are very often away on work related trips abroad. On some of those days, especially in the last 3 months maybe, I've decided to stay home and work from there. Not trying to convince myself of anything particular here, but when I'm home and I'm 'really' working, not 20 minutes of work and then wander off into some other stuff, then the results have been as good or better than when I'm at the office.
That's why part of my plan when going to the talk is to suggest a report system, however often they would want those activity logs. Daily would probably be taxing to them, so maybe twice or three times a week? Something like that.
Pay-cut wouldn't be my first preference either and it is true, that they are paying for my commute anyways at the moment - the only thing about this, is that the commute fare isn't that much, but the toll the lost time takes on me, is a lot. I have all kinds of personal, work related, projects I would like to explore and research, but after a full day of work and the commute, all I can muster is a warm meal, a shower and then sleep. And then spend (the last month) my weekends sitting and sulking on my balcony, dreading Monday and the 6.30 wake-up to catch the bus. No extra reading, no exercise and no real hobbies. The thought of straining myself further after work simply made me and makes me cringe.
Maybe I'm a whiner, I don't know. But the work-from-home solution with an obligation to report my work more often than just on Friday afternoon, seems like it could work. My actual job doesn't involve day-to-day meetings with any clients or people from outside the office. The employers go on their trips, come back with a project and then each of us researches and writes a section of input needed for a paper. We complete it and then it all starts anew.
I've Skyped into meetings before, I always answer my e-mails fast and basically I'm only ever a phone call away. It's just that anyone rarely calls and they leave messages on Skype when I'm offline, so I just get them when I log on. There are certain short-comings on the organisational side of our work, but I guess everyone, even the employers, are still learning on how things ought to work for the best results.

Why this thing troubles me so much, is that the employers are really great people. If they were mean old bags, things probably would be different in terms of how big of a burden any sort of under-performing puts on me. These people, though, say everything is ok, don't worry, we all have hectic times every now and again - so, every time I feel unable to go to the office, it cuts twice as bad. I'd rather lose the job and leave as friends than betray their trust, which the current situation, if left unchecked, would most likely ultimately lead to.

TENtx

Cissy, I'll bet that somebody out there thinks of you as a good friend because you have helped him with your advice, and he worries about you, and he may have already told you he thinks you may be too worried about this, b/c your landlord might treat all this like a business decision.

And it's only because he knows about having his own overcharged anxiety about stuff that he worries too much about, too, and it's from the lack of natural reward chemicals in his own brain, b/c he's been drinking too much in the past and he has the same issues.

He probably just wants you to keep from drinking again and making it worse.

SandyO

Waking up to Day 5. I'm feeling quite deflated this morning.
I was greeted with another drink last night from hubby when i got home. I didn't even look at it and repeated AGAIN that i am taking a rest from alcohol. I wasn't pushed and he put it away. I don't blame him though. We have been together for 14 years and all of my promises have fallen flat. I am literally just taking it day by day. This time seems different though.
Before when I have given up it was due to an horrendous crazy drunken rant and guilt put me through the first few weeks. I haven't had one of those for years which is why my hubby thinks I'm doing well. Not knowing all the sneaking i have been doing. The benefit of domestic blindness!
This time there was no big guilt trip or bruises or hungover apologies. I just woke up Friday morning missing yet another evening of my life. I was just so tired of living that way. The cycle had to stop at some point.
Now all i am thinking about is myself and my health. Each day of sobriety is a day of healing (could be my new signature!!) and i don't want to undo that.
To Cissy and Kikki, you must feel so relieved that you problems (landlady, depression at work) is out there now. When i had depression I sat on things for the longest time letting them fester until I took action and it really wasn't as bad as I had imagined. And a depressive mind imagines everything times 10!
The process has started now and you can now make better sober decisions with it. Congratulations on taking action and all the best with the process and the final outcome.

I wish everyone a lovely sober day.