I'm just popping my head in to say goodnight. I'm so glad to be a part of this group. See you tomorrow. :hug:

Yesterday, I felt so on top of it, this is the day I will change and realistically, I really felt that. And then, after a day, a collapse (usually I make it at least three days, if not more). At first, I thought, just pretend it didn’t happen, post something really positive and uplifting and go with it…never happened…but that is what I have been doing, for a really long time…just pretending…pretending to not have a problem(s), pretending to have everything under control, pretending to be happy, pretending everything is perfect, pretending I am perfect. I am a respected professional, a good friend, a loving daughter, a pleasant stranger on the street smiling...I literally fake it to make it most of the time. While the feelings involved are not fake, I am so hopeful for everyone else and yet so far from hopeful about myself at times. I have been fighting perception, my entire life…I always had to be something that I wasn’t or really just not meant to be in order to have favor in other’s eyes. And that is lonely…as an adult knowing that happened and shaped my behaviors is devastating. But what I do now, coping with substance in private in order to protect that false perception in the open will continue to drag me down far deeper than anything in my past ever could…and I can at least recognize that I am not okay with that. I am meant to be who I am, and whoever that turns out to be has a purpose. So today, I am not okay and I start over. But I will check in with you all tomorrow. Though, there was a failed day, does not mean that I fail. I can pick myself up, learn from today, and move forward and that is what I hope for you all in any situation that you are in. I truly believe that if you have found this forum, this conversation, like I did…you are not lost at all…merely searching for how to deal with being found and aware that you (we) have a future that is so much better than the life we knew…even if it was years ago, days ago, hours ago, or even minutes. I appreciate your support and taking the time to hear me out in a way that no one has before. Thank you for letting me be myself.

Meggie--one of the great things about this forum is how truly anonymous it is. It allows me to be completely honest in a way that I have never felt I could be in public or even in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. That honesty is one of the cornerstones of my sobriety now. It feels so good to not hold anything back in here.

This is a long-winded way of saying I'm sorry you drank today but glad you came back in here and were able to be honest. Thank you so much for your post. Please stick to your promise to come back in tomorrow. Post multiple times an hour if you have to but give this way of life a real chance and let SR be there for you like it has been for me.

Do post as much as you need to Meggie.
Try not to think of this as a failure - you just need to work on a better plan to stay sober that's all :)

D

Welcome kris, 0520, and meggie !
Ditto on what Casey and Dee said. They're right on.

Hi guys, just checking in, great to see lots of sober days! Meggie I can so relate to you, as I guess many of us can. Hang in there and keep posting, no need to hide anything here!
Far to Go, loving Sober Revolution, I think it too will help keep me on track for this first week. Meggie, may be worth you downloading a copy and reading. I love how she relates drinking to a partner who treats you badly but you still keep going back for more. Never heard drinking described like that before, but it does put it into perspective. It is really empowering me to keep going, to find out what it will be like to be sober.

Hi everyone,

I am Mainza and I've been part of SR for sometime. I've done a lot of browsing and have been able to get sober for 2-5 months. But I screw up and drink. I am 3 days sober and am just pissed off and stressed out right now. I don't want to drink, I just want to punch my hand through this computer screen. I've been eating junk and haven't been exercising. I just am tired and sick of what I've become. I know I can make change because I've done it before but I take 2 steps forward and 5 steps back.

I can't manage to live my life like this anymore. I am 30 years old, single, and lonely. I have a great job and enjoy my work but I would be so much better off if I was sober and in better shape. My social life is nonexistent because I am afraid to go out and drink with people because I will black out and make a fool of myself. If I do drink, I prefer to stay at home and just listen to music and then eat junk food. I wake up the next morning, feeling terrible, and am lazy the entire day and it takes me a few days to feel better.

I know it feels so good to wake up sober but there are times when I just make up my mind during the day that I am going to get drunk that night.

I need to stop worrying about what people will think about me NOT drinking. It is so weird that I become obsessed with the scenario of me connecting with friends and telling them that I no longer drink and how they will react. I just have to forget about it and move on with my life. I am so worried about sitting across from a table with someone and them ordering a beer and me just ordering a water. They drink their beer and I drink my water and I just have anxiety that it will be the end of the world. Is that my addiction talking? Is that what addiction does to us? Makes us totally irrational.

I'm not able to sleep and I just wanted to get these thoughts out of my head. I look forward to posting more often in this group and reading and learning from you all. May 2015 is the beginning of a new and beautiful life.

Welcome Mainza :)

D

Morning all, start of day 5 for me. I will catch up with the class later. Hope you're all well and happy.

Fantastic! Well done to you. Now you have a bench mark and know you can do it again.

xx

OK, I'll let it slip - my name pertains to my name on facebook. Won't say more than that ;) hehe.

Yeah, cutting back was kind of essential - that plus a full schedule of classes (teaching is bloody hard work) meant I was exhausted literally all the time, getting through days at work fuelled by caffeine (going to make an effort to at least cut back on coffee, if not stop that altogether - though that may be one 'giving-up' too far!).

Haven't really missed meat at all, really - though did consider eating meat a couple of times as felt maybe I wasn't getting enough protein - as there's always stir-fried vegetables with hill rice, Som Tam (spicy shredded papaya salad), or vegetarian Thai ready-meals from the 7/11. And an hour away in Chiang Rai city, there's plenty of vegetarian options - along with the free (donation box-funded) vegetarian food available at Wat Huay Pla Gang out in the countryside.

And several kinds of fruits are in season right now - so in the staff room, on the communal table, there's always some pineapple, guava, sweet mango, watermelon or suchlike sitting on the table, which I'm always dipping into!

(lychees are in season right now, every third person at the local market's selling 'em right now, so I often buy a kilo or two for 25 Baht [50p] to contribute to the 'sharing table'!)

For all its reputation as a hard-partying 'den of sin' (indeed, 'farangs' [westerners] have a bit of a reputation among Thai people as a bunch of alkies), for all the fact that some might say that Thailand's not an ideal place to be if you're trying to beat an addiction, it's definitely possible to live a healthy life here if you want to.

Ultimately, and I've said this many times before to people, Thailand is whatever you want it to be. If you want to get ****** up at the Full Moon Party on Koh Pha Ngan, or on a Pattaya beach, or on Phuket walking street, or at Zoe's in Chiang Mai, you can do that.

But if you want to make merit to yourself, eat healthy, exercise, and do things like stay at a Buddhist monastery in the mountains, or go on long trekking expeditions or rafting trips down river, you can do that too.

Thing about Thailand is the freedom, complete (more or less) freedom to make a different life for yourself, that you never could have had back home. It's kinda like John Locke saying in Lost that "everyone on The Island gets a new life" - I've felt the same way here.

Been pretty hard going at work of late, due to covering for other Thai teachers. Several points today, felt ready to give up, due to the stress, and to anxiety about other things - but then fell back to my "Bhud...Dho" (the breathing/meditation techniques I learned at Wat Tam Wua Forest Monastery), and managed to power through it.

Hi all, I went back on the hamster wheel and started worrying about multiple aspects of my life - wondering what is, what I wish it was, and what I really want (what I really want when I feel this way, not what I really want when I feel that way). I think I am going to seek professional counselling. Even when I behave "correctly", there still seems to be lots of issues boiling up below.

I think a lot of my problems are that I have no one in my life that I can talk to about things. My wife is either dismissive or doesn't want to be bothered with things. I just moved last year and have no friends where I now live. My brother and dad never call. The worst thing, is that I gave up a great career in Southeast Asia to come back and be closer to family. Now I am stuck in some festering, backwater **** hole staring out a window all day wondering how I can get my life back on track.

Sorry, this turned into a bit of a rant. I meant to say, "I slept great last night, happy sober days to all!"

----

AGAGONNHOJ, your tales of Thailand bring back great memories. I first went there in 1997 and it changed my life. It was amazing that I considered myself a country boy and never lived in a large city. I landed in Bangkok with 40C temps and somehow, I immediately knew that I was home. I would kill for a meal of blah neung ma-nao, pat pak boon fai-daing, yam blah-meuk, and kao-neeo ma-muang. It really is a place where a farang can start a new life but best to avoid the farangs to do it. I was amazed that Thai can have these large, happy parties and there would be no alcohol anywhere. Enjoy your time there.

Day 21: Booyah!

Three weeks by days' end. A good start.

30% of Americans never drink. 40% have less than 7 drinks per week. 20% average two drinks per day.

10% average TEN drinks per day, every day.

Keeping busy is huge. Exercise tempers the agitation. Devotion to family maintains discipline.

Still early in recovery, still using coping mechanisms to get thru most days. Meggie we all fake to a certain extent.

Good luck to all.

4

Congratulations 4theKidz :)

D

Hello everyone.
Just checking in.
Stumbled across my old astro-photos. (1998?)
Have a great day!

Checking in. On the start of day 5. Going on almost no sleep but better than being hungover. Have a good day all.

Day 4 here.
This is where I've been falling off track in the past. I've ignored it in the past but I'm not ignoring it now. Got a little break at work, so gonna do a little reading and be thankful for a little quiet. Haven't posted my way through rough patches. Always griped about them afterwards, I think. Wow that's silly to type that and read it back, but an addiction makes you do whatever to fool yourself.

Checking in day 11, busy busy week with the kids. Making slow progress on everything around the house, but it's progress.

Another 24 here. John, I envy your being in a Buddhist country. If I didn't have kids I'd take up the bowl....(or so I think sometimes...could be escapism). I also understand the pull of sitting/practicing vs. drinking. I've never done them together as they are mutually exclusive to my well-being. Practice is better. Always cool to hear of your exp. in Thailand. Thanks and congrats.

Good morning! Hope everyone has a great sober day!