BoozeFree

Hi undies.
Had some terrible drug dreams last night and was waking up almost every hr all hot and sweaty, yuck. But on to day 2.

When I drink I get terrible chest pain due to damaging my esophagus a few years ago so I'm pretty sure that's what happened. The pain has gone away now it seems.

Soberwolf awesome quote.

Womp time.

Have a good day everyone.

amp123

Hi guys. I'm having a tough time. Coming up to 10 weeks sober and feeling down.

My problem is quite unexpected. At first staying sober was a battle all the time but now there are just certain triggers I need to be aware of and avoid. So far so good and I see that I can do this. I have made my sobriety my number one priority every day and I'm so pleased to be sober, except... One of my main triggers is my favourite thing in the whole world. Well used to be anyway.

I'm a musician and music is my passion and also accounts for part of my livelihood (although I have a day job which pays the bills much better). Problem? Whenever I play in a group situation I feel like I need to drink. Not just that I'd like a drink but can't so move on but really like if I stay in that environment I'm going to end up drinking soon. It's not like everyone else drinks all the time or anything like that either. I just think the two are so closely associated for me that I can't separate.

I quit my band, gave up my rehearsal rooms and am selling most of my gear. I can't afford to jeopardise my sobriety so need to remove temptation. I publicly announced my retirement from the music scene yesterday so that people won't call me for jobs.

I just feel so sad all the time now.

Saskia

Amp, that sounds so sad! I want to cheer because you have put your sobriety first but can't imagine such a positive being so very sad. I hope Dee will have some perspective on this.

Is there some other activity that could potentially become a key piece for you? Or is there a different way you can use your music that would leave you some satisfaction?

amp123

I don't know. Maybe it will fade in time but I don't want to take any chances. Sometimes I feel upset or even angry but mostly I just feel tired. Nobody understands why I'm doing this and it's too personal to explain. At least I have this site though. Nothing like talking with people who have similar experiences.

I used to paint and draw. Maybe I'll take that up again some time but I don't seem to have the energy for it...

Dee74

Hi Amp

I lost my music career through drinking.

When I quit, everytime I tried to do something musical the cravings were pretty bad. I got out sober but just.

so..I didn't do anything for about a year - I just focused on recovery and building a sober life.

When I did go back, I was secure in my recovery and all was well.

I enjoyed playing much more too, but I didn't do much - I moved to a small town and I had other health issues which meant I have to play sitting down now.

Last year (seven years on) I moved back to the big city and a lot of old friends came out of the woodwork.

Nice guys but with the usual musician traits of being hearty partiers.

I'm pretty busy again now. I've found I can still be sober in amongst all that, and be happy about it.

What's even better is those guys respect me for my stance.

I guess my advice is...give it time.

Recovery is a journey and we change - you won't always miss the drink

D

casinva

Amp, be patient with yourself. That was very, very hard for me to do. I expected to stop drinking and within the week be rip, roaring and full of life and energy. It didn't work that way. I was tired all.the.time. But I realized I had abused my body for so long that it needed time to heal. And my brain needed time to heal. You're a work in progress and it DOES get better, I assure you!

As far as being around people that drank, I couldn't do it. I avoided anywhere that had alcohol and made excuses to avoid parties/BBQ's. I can honestly admit that I couldn't trust myself to be around it. I was fortunate that my husband stopped drinking in solidarity so I wasn't tempted at home. Ironically enough I'm over a year into my sobriety now and I find we don't go to as many gatherings where there's alcohol anymore because, well, drunk people annoy me.

So be kind to yourself and give yourself time!

Saskia

Casinva, I like your perspective. It seems like a good answer to Amp in his difficulties. Thank you.

Dee, somehow I knew you would have a worthwhile perspective on this and you didn't disappoint.

CaseyW

Amp--There are definitely tons of musicians, famous or otherwise, who are in recovery. I think it's wise to give yourself some time away from that whole scene for a bit and then once your sober muscles are a little stronger, give playing out another try. With a little more sober time, maybe like Dee says your brain won't automatically associate playing somewhere with a band with "I MUST DRINK NOW." Hang in there, buddy, I think it's awesome you're putting your recovery first right now.

Starting day 50 here, I guess, since it's after midnight and I just got off work. Assuming I make it to day 54 (and I will!) that'll be the second longest period of sobriety I've ever had since I took my first drink in April 1999. Grateful to be sober, grateful for you guys in particular and SR in general, grateful for my job, grateful for my bed...which is where I'm headed now. Goodnight everyone!

petals

Hi guys, I have been to the doctor but he wasn't much help. May try another time. C

amp123

Thank you guys so much. I just had to unload how I was feeling. When I told my wife I was giving up the music she didn't get it. "So you only used to hang out in bands so you could get wasted?!?". I guess I shouldn't be surprised by that reaction but I was. I was after a little sympathy, I guess.

That's why SR is so important. Only other people like us GET us. I felt like I was losing my mind but hearing Dee explain that he'd had a similar experience gives me the perspective I need. It doesn't make it easy but I feel sane and reinforced in that my decision isn't totally off the wall. Music so much defines me as a person that people can't understand how I'd change "over night". I put a record out in March and it's doing pretty well. Much better than precious stuff, and I've spent a lot of time travelling around recently for promo. It does, on the surface, seem the craziest decision I could make. If you told me 6 months ago I'd be doing this I'd have laughed all the way to the fridge to crack open a 6 pack!

But, underneath all of that and the "concerned" Facebook friends and fellow musicians (who are really wondering whether they can get my gig), I want to be the BEST version of me, and that has to start with my well being and some basic principals like staying healthy and sober.

Thank you one and all and congratulations, Casey, on your milestone

Dee74

I think you might just find your best musical days are ahead of you, amp

Congrats on 50 days Casey

D

tootsl1

Amp, have you considered that you might be going through PAWS? There are some brill responses here so I just add, give yourself time.

Petals I am sorry your doc wasn't much help, can you see someone else? Is there another direction you could go? Al-Anon? Support groups? Therapy? Keep posting here love, we can't prescribe anything stronger than cyber hugs but we can provide plent y of them.
BeFree, hate those type of dreams, they leave me out of sorts all day. Hope womp goes okay. Be kind to yourself over the next few days, just get them under your belt. X

amp123

Actually I just read up about PAWs last night. Pretty sure there's an element of that in the sadness I seem to feel which comes and goes.

Thanks again to all for the invaluable advice.

Gilmer

((((Amp))))

((((Petals))))

IWLSAST

Hi Undies,

Just a pop in to say hello. I am still away on vaca and not the best at typing on my phone. I had the opportunity to meet two SR peeps on my trip...LDT and Joygirl for those of you that may know them. We ate seafood, did some yoga, drank coffee...just rocked the new sober lifestyle that has released us from the bondage that drugs and alcohol had on us.

BF, I am so happy that you made it back so quickly. My relapses always became runs out there...the last was eight months. Anyway, sweetie...I not only hope that you are attending more meetings, I hope you consider finding a home group, getting a sponsor and working the steps. I always remember early on hearing that "the same person always drinks again" and that I needed to change.

Amp, I can renember vividly when I joined this thread around the same time as a good many others...paws was running rampant and there were many days we spoke of it simply being a duvet day. Some days our main objective was simply to get through the day! I promise you, it does get better.

(((Petals)))

Enjoy the weekend, Undies....

Matt

Saskia

Casey, congrats on 50 days!

Petals, so sorry this doc couldn't help. I hope you can get some kind of medical help for your depression.

Amp, I'm glad that your post generated helpful responses for you. It's not at all unusual that someone else has had similar experience(s) and that's one of the many reasons SR is such a wonderful place.

A lovely June day to all!

nymets86

Petals, sorry to hear about your depression. I wish I had some words of encouragement that would really matter, but I've dealt with depression in the past and know what a bad place it is. Just do what you can to stay positive and go easy on yourself.

Amp, I've not experienced PAWS, so not sure if that's what you are dealing with. It does sound to me like you made a decision that sobriety was far and away priority #1 in your life and that you removed something you cherished, but was associated with alcohol. I don't know the music industry or the dynamic of a band, but I do hope you find a way to get music back into your life when the time is right and you know that you can do it while sober.

Things are going pretty well for me here. I'm halfway through weekend #19 of sobriety. Pretty comfortable in my sober skin and not regretting a moment of it. My weight loss is pretty noticeable now and I'm positive that removing alcohol has been a huge help.

I did just have a really good reminder about why I'm not drinking, even if it's my paranoia. I got hospitalized in February after getting totally obliterated one night. I know that a staffer from my building (possibly in conjunction with a neighbor) called the ambulance. I've simply not talked about it at all in real life with anybody but my doctor. But the apartment I jointly own with my parents and at first I was terrified of getting kicked out of the building for being a drunk. Well, fast forward several months and nobody said anything. But this week, my dad called and said he got a bill from the building maintenance company in the mail for repairs needed to the hallway outside my apartment. I rushed and found a copy in my mailbox too (I almost never check my snail mail). The bill is for late February. I have no idea if it's related to what happened. I never looked, but I do not remember seeing any damage in the hallway. And while I'm away during the days, I do not recall there being any repairs done on my floor. I'm sort of at a loss for what to do. My dad said he was going to ask the maintenance company what it's for. I don't know if I should just pay it and move on, or investigate and just have to rehash that horrible night. It's possible it's unrelated, but the timing would be about right. It's not a huge sum, about $250, but now that my dad has seen it, I'm sort of fretting about it. Not sure what I'm going to do. It has just served as a vivid reminder of why I quit. The consequences of drinking stink.

gleefan

Hi Undies

(((Amp))) - I can relate to feeling lost and sad in early sobriety. It seemed counterintuitive that in doing something healthy I'd feel so tired, lost and sad! At times it was made worse by hearing stories about people who effortlessly stopped drinking, and started enjoy long-neglected hobbies and relationships. I've since seen that no two people's sober journeys are the same; everyone has different lessons to learn and obstacles to overcome.

Although your friends and colleagues might not understand your decision to pull away from the music scene, there's nothing wrong with listening to your intuition and taking a break from situations that adversely affect your sobriety. I had to make similar decisions. I can't express enough the importance in my sobriety of creating a sober life for myself. As my sober muscles have grown, I've found that the boundaries that at one time were so necessary for me to stay safe and sober have eased up a bit. I have every bit of confidence that you'll be able to safely return to the music scene some day when you're ready.

Casey - Great job on 50 days sober. I think gratitude is a wonderful way to celebrate sober milestones.

Petals - I'm sorry you're still struggling with depression. I hope you can find some treatment options that work for you. You deserve relief. While it's not a treatment for depression, gratitude helps buoy my spirits when the going gets tough. Realistic expectations and acceptance - acknowledging that life isn't always happy or exciting - has been an important lesson for me, too.

Nice to see Casinva here and all the other popovers. Cas is from my original February 2014 thread. I owe many of my 24 hours of sobriety to their friendship and support. The love I've offered in SR and AA has given me a blueprint for finally learning to love myself and accept others love for me!

Have a great sober weekend (((Undies)))!

BoozeFree

Hi undies.
I have lots of catching up to do on this thread.
Day 4. Slept. Little better. My body still feels really sore from drinking. Hoping that will pass soon so it doesn't trigger me to drink.

Off to womp

Soberwolf

Congrats on day 4 BF