Class of March 2015 Part 5
 

Last part here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-4-a-20.html

D

Thanks for the new thread D

Took the day off to recoup from a long weekend. Gonna start an exercise program today. Well, not really a program, just a commitment to do some as often as possible. This combined with a new diet in an effort to lose some pounds gained in sobriety.

Hi Bill,

I know the feeling: I need a weekend to recover from the weekend! Though that is the case, fortunately, no alcohol was involved.

I hope to see all Marchers in May! Though I have not responded to every message--I tend to have trouble finding something to say--I am following the messages closely, and appreciate the participation of each and every one of us.

Mel

Hi everybody. I've been reading through the threads but quieter than usual. It's been a busy time on this end.

Awful night last night, anxiety-wise -- work related. I had to host an event, my worst trigger for panic. I've learned, and I have to accept, that I can't agree to do these types of things EVER AGAIN. If anything brings out the AV monster, it's doing public events. I feel sick before, during, and after -- always used alcohol to manage that, which of course, didn't work out so well -- short term and long term consequences. Saying no to anything that will trigger my anxiety has to be part of my sober plan. Otherwise, I'll screw up my sobriety or I'll be beating myself up. Either way, I lose, unless I say no.

I've got to learn to accept who I am. A quiet, introverted person who doesn't like going out in public, and who can't be up behind the mic. This will mean career problems, so be it. I have to learn to protect myself.

Rant over.

xo

p.s. forgive me if I don't reread through this post for typos etc. I just want to send it off without fretting about another thing.

p.p.s. I have seen a doctor about my social anxiety/panic and do take beta-blockers when I need them... they work well, for me, for the physical symptoms (shaky hands, racing heart etc.) but not the emotional/mental ones.

Rejoined the gym with my daughter this last weekend. Yeah!!!!!
After working out yesterday, I visited a health store. Was feeling great, doing a peaceful contented mind boogie while picking out fresh salsa and hummus and guess who I ran into...AV, yes AV was there sporadically bouncing up and down and sideways. Although, he did have a good point, a bottle of Napa's finest wine would've gone superb with the seared tuna I was making for dinner, i called in the bouncers and we butt bumped AV to the curb.
:dance1a:

That social anxiety is nothing to sneeze at. Hope it gets better. Sometimes we need to lean toward caution. Please stop beating yourself up for beating yourself up. :hug:

So far, I seem to be comfortable saying, "I do not want a drink." or " I'm not drinking." Instead of the horrid "I don't drink anymore." I think that "I don't drink anymore" is just setting me up for possible future failure.

Me too. Three times in the last couple of months I've had people question why I didn't have a glass of wine in my hand. A colleague asked why I wasn't drinking one night. I answered by lying, saying I'd be having a glass later. My brother asked the same thing and I told him I was cutting back for health reasons. And a friend asked, and I lied and said I was on medication. Real brave one, I am. Ha.

But the strange/not-strange thing is all three people have drinking problems. They all had the same look on their face when they confronted me about not drinking as well (and it did feel like a confrontation). Eyes scrunched into a scowl.

I kinda feel the same. It's like saying it that definitively somehow curses it. I've taken to just trying not to think about alcohol at all. Mind you, AV still brings it up time to time, but at least it's not constantly on my mind.

I hear ya Nik. Social anxiety is something I struggle with too. It's never pretty but it can be managed. As I try to move forward with my writing I worry about attending events and such myself. I guess for now, I've resolved to crossing that bridge when I come to it. I hope you feel better.

While driving I had a "get a martini" attack but managed to shake it off. It came out of nowhere and hit hard. Close call! - Mel

I agree with Sisterbobby. Although it seemed less intense and more manageable in the early days to just say "I just don't feel like drinking today" that mentality made it easy for my AV to sneak up on me... "Hey, I haven't drank in X days, I think I outgrew alcoholism/I'm not really an alcoholic. I can have just one drink and be fine. X days not drinking proves that!" That's just me, though. I've found accepting that alcohol will never be a part of my life again helps me to create that barrier between my life and alcohol. Almost like a child who doesn't have legal documentation to even purchase alcohol so drinking just isn't an option.

But again, my opinion. I had an acquaintance who was sober for years and his motto was "I'm just not drinking today but I'm going to get wasted tomorrow!" And then tomorrow he would just say the same thing. Whatever keeps us sober, right?

Today marks 50 days sober for me. I'm really happy because this is the longest I have ever been sober and been truly happy. The last few attempts I was miserable in my sobriety and obviously led me back to drinking again. I still have rough days (like yesterday) but I've finally found things I enjoy more than drinking, like reading, jogging, and knitting of all things! I never thought I could find something that made me happier than the false illusion of being drunk did!

Congratulations to everyone with their desire to get and stay sober today. We're all on SR so obviously we're all on the right path and in this together :) Have a great day everybody!

Good on ya Mel! I think those attacks hot the hardest because you're not expecting it. I mean, as an addict, you know your triggers, especially if they're time and day oriented. But when they strike randomly, it catches you off guard. Glad you made it through!

Well Marchers, since I got such a great response last time, I have another poem I'd like to share. It's a little darker but it deals with struggle just the same. I've been told that it's pretty good. Hope you all enjoy. It's called "Painting."


The steadily bleeding soul of a poet
Trapped behind the ineffectual hands
Of an unimportant and faceless layman
Slowly being buried beneath the sands of time.

Is this crucifix mine alone to bare
Its crushing weight upon my shoulders
Its jagged splinters invading my skin
As I trudge across the desert of eternity.

Stinging sweat seeps into my wounds
Creating a vile mixture with a crimson hue
That carves new paths along my filthy skin
Seeking counsel with the earth below.

I lift my eyes to the vast expanse of blue above
Only to be assaulted by the harshness of the sun
Baring down with its cruel rays of judgement
Condemning me to this hellish existence.

The days go by, neither marked nor counted
Their passing is simply inconsequential
One foot in front of the other, step by step
Seeking the end of this maddening landscape.

I love knitting, i don't do too much now, still working on a pair of socks, five/six years later still working on them. I'm into reading and sewing.

Wow, had to read it a few times, it is dark but very good.

Have a nice evening/morning to my friends around the world

You've been awfully quiet lately wolf. Is everything OK? How have you been?

Hi guys, havent read over everything yet just wanted to quickly check in to stop myself acting on this urge - friend coming over to pick up some stuff/hang out a little and I'm so used to dealing with everyone while drunk that I'm really fighting the compulsion to go buy a bottle of wine before gets here. Total insanity, especially as today is 30 days sober for me and I'm generally feeling as if I'm making real progress

I'm almost having to sit on my hands to stop me from reaching for my purse and running to the bottle shop - really caught me off guard to feel this way!

Anyway was kinda hoping they'd get here while I was typing so I'd be forced to deal with it without booze but no luck, still 20 mins away (coincidently would take me 15 mins to get there and back so 'perfect' if I did want a drink)
Agh
Still hanging in there