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Class of March 2015 Part 5

Old 04-28-2015, 05:44 PM
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Since you all have been so supportive enjoyed my poems, I've decided to share my Wattpad profile. I have been away from it for awhile so it doesn't have all of my work but it has my latest ones. Please give it a look if you're interested.

http://w.tt/1PUwlkQ
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Old 04-28-2015, 06:30 PM
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Originally Posted by SpiritOfDjinn View Post
Since you all have been so supportive enjoyed my poems, I've decided to share my Wattpad profile. I have been away from it for awhile so it doesn't have all of my work but it has my latest ones. Please give it a look if you're interested.

Wattpad
cool! i'll definitely check this out when i have some time. thanks for sharing! I love to see everyones creative outlets. I work in the arts and am constantly inspired reading, seeing, touching, hearing all the amazing things people create. good on you for getting back into it again, seems like your writing would really be a great way for you to process your feelings and express yourself now that you've ditched the booze
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Old 04-28-2015, 06:44 PM
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Pouncer - so sorry you're struggling with all that!! Wow I can really relate to a lot of what you wrote and I feel for you, feeling unwanted and self conscious due to a partners porn addiction - oh boy do I relate to that, it's an awful place to be.
My ex was constantly lying about everything too, it crushed me and left me totally confused about everything in my life. I can't imagine how much harder it'd be in a marriage where walking away is not so simple. I hope you make your wellbeing and health a priority though..
I'm sorry you're dealing with all this, I hope you keep checking in here and looking after yourself, you're amazing and I'd hate to see your husbands actions drag you down!
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Old 04-28-2015, 07:09 PM
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Thanks everyone. I have to admit that I had an eff-it attitude today and rrrrreally felt like drinking. But. I didn't.
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Old 04-28-2015, 07:10 PM
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Well I'm glad you didn't! You know that will only make things worse, but it can be hard to think through that in the moment I know
And btw your hair sounds great
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Old 04-28-2015, 08:23 PM
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Porn, i am so over it. I no longer get pissed about it. My AH and his friends, co-workers, not all, exchange porn pictures, graphic (like the stuff you find on the internet).
I have asked my AH why he and his friends send porn to each other and i told him it makes me feel uncomfortable. I can't remember exactly what he said, but 'he didn't do it.' whatever....

My AH has not grown up and I can not control what my H and his 'weird' friends do. If they want to act like kids and show each other 'a video of a hot chick....man she's hot', blah blah blah..., I have more important things to occupy my time with.

Now granted, 'guys will be guys' in the aspect of sending each other porn/links, but there has to be a limit. Pouncer, it sounds like your H crossed that line. Sorry you are feeling hurt. Don't do anything haste in your early sobriety. Hair sounds interesting... very good you did not drink.
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Old 04-28-2015, 08:43 PM
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How I wish my husband would talk to me about what he does. It is all very clandestine.
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Old 04-28-2015, 09:18 PM
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is it the porn that is really the problem? Do you trust your H?
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Old 04-28-2015, 09:20 PM
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He might be secretive about it bc he knows how you feel about it. If you love your h and want to be part of it, maybe join in...?

I do not know your situation but do not let porn ruin your marriage, if that is 'what it is', give him his own space and put all the porn in his space and tell him to get it on. "
go for it you sexy ********. See what he does...
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Old 04-28-2015, 09:20 PM
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Pouncer, keep your chin up. By deciding not to drink you've not only taken the reins, you're keeping them. I remember that in an earlier post you mentioned that you had said some hurtful things to your husband. I wonder if next time you talk to him you could make it clearer to him that you're hurt by the things he does just the same. I'm not saying that you were necessarily justified in purposely hurting his feelings. However, maybe it can drive the point home for him that he's caused you pain too.
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Old 04-28-2015, 09:24 PM
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Originally Posted by immri View Post

cool! i'll definitely check this out when i have some time. thanks for sharing! I love to see everyones creative outlets. I work in the arts and am constantly inspired reading, seeing, touching, hearing all the amazing things people create. good on you for getting back into it again, seems like your writing would really be a great way for you to process your feelings and express yourself now that you've ditched the booze
Tell you the truth immri, I'm severely disappointed in myself for how long I neglected my writing for booze. I could probably have a published title or two by now. Sad really... But I'm back now and I'm going for it this time. Even if I never make a career out of it, I greatly enjoy writing. It's a great escape and I love the feeling I get when I look up from the monitor and realize I've been writing for two hours and have nearly a thousand words down. It's euphoric.
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Old 04-28-2015, 09:27 PM
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Originally Posted by Sisterbobby View Post
is it the porn that is really the problem? Do you trust your H?
I hate to say it Pouncer, but I agree here. Secretive is never good. At the height of my alcoholism I was VERY secretive.

My heart goes out to you Pouncer. I hope you two can resolve this.
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Old 04-28-2015, 09:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Sisterbobby View Post
He might be secretive about it bc he knows how you feel about it. If you love your h and want to be part of it, maybe join in...?

I do not know your situation but do not let porn ruin your marriage, if that is 'what it is', give him his own space and put all the porn in his space and tell him to get it on. "
go for it you sexy ********. See what he does...
Yeah...I don't want to have anything to do with him right now. I was pretty cruel and I am starting to feel bad about it. I told him that he was ugly, fat and had bad skin. I told him that he was lucky that someone as attractive as me would even TOUCH him. I went even lower than that...which was totally unnecessary...criticized his body parts...I am not proud of that.

This goes beyond occasional use. It used to be so bad that he would stand over me at night to check if I was asleep and do his thing elsewhere. It creeped me out...and he had a very unnatural approach to intimacy - sorry, I am trying to be discreet. He did it at work, he went nearly a year at SA Anonymous and things were much, much better. I could always tell when he was faltering. He stops touching or pursuing me. It goes way beyond harmless use. I sound stupid when I say this, but I never consciously dealt with it or recognized it. I just kept denying and drinking. And drinking. It would get to the point where he could no longer deny it, get on his hands and knees and promise to stop.

The thing that really bothers me about this subject is if there is an implication is that I am a prude. Minimizing p*rn use for him is the same thing as telling an alcoholic, 'Go ahead and moderate. Everyone drinks. Your wife needs to lighten up. Get her to drink with you, then you guys can have fun together.' He cannot moderate p*rn and just like a chemical addiction, it rewires a person's neurology. The internet is always there, always ready, always sexy, is a shapeshifter -- it becomes whoever he wants it to be -- and I cannot compete with that.

Anyway, my .02 is already known. I just wish I was somewhere else right now. I am really tired of treating everything like a crisis. Just like any addict this is up to him, not me.
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Old 04-28-2015, 09:59 PM
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Originally Posted by SpiritOfDjinn View Post
I remember that in an earlier post you mentioned that you had said some hurtful things to your husband. I wonder if next time you talk to him you could make it clearer to him that you're hurt by the things he does just the same. I'm not saying that you were necessarily justified in purposely hurting his feelings. However, maybe it can drive the point home for him that he's caused you pain too.
I am doing more than that; I am twisting the knife and I cannot deny it feels good. I am very angry with him. I am mostly angry about the lying and deception not the actual p*rn. I wish he knew how unattractive it makes him. It is like being intimate with a teenager. I prefer a man - a grown-up.

In all other ways, he is a terrific husband and father. This has been THE issue. He has promised to stop forever. He bought (yet another) SA/PA book, decided to join his own forum since he sees how much SR has helped me. I need to stop myself going any further, because nothing I say will help straighten him out and I am in an ugly mood.

Thank you all for the well wishes. I wish I was in a better mood and more of a team player today.
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Old 04-28-2015, 10:21 PM
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((((Pouncer)))) I am so sorry>

You are a team player, we are a team and we are here for you. Try to get a good night sleep and hope tomorrow is better. Stay close.
Didn't beat yourself up, we all say things we shouldn't say. hang in there.
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Old 04-29-2015, 04:55 AM
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A lot of posts on secrecy these days and it's got me thinking and acknowledging. All my dark secrets are related to my drinking. For me secrecy is tethered to shame. I doubt I'll ever admit the terrible things the drunk me has done, but thinking about this now is a good wake up call for me in that it will keep me from returning to the booze. Going forward, I want to feel proud of my decisions and actions, and not need (want?) to hide them. The booze is monstrous for me.

Pouncer, how are you feeling today?

And thanks for the link, Djinn!
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Old 04-29-2015, 06:08 AM
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I am okay. Didn't sleep though. I had a productive talk with the husband.
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Old 04-29-2015, 06:39 AM
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Sorry to hear about your situation Pouncer. Porn is bad for men because it's not reality, it's just an escape from reality (kind of like drinking). Unfortunately, it is becoming a lot more mainstream, which is a bad development for society. People have easier access to it than ever before with smartphones. It's good that you called him out on it--no one should tolerate intolerable behavior like that, especially in your own house.
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Old 04-29-2015, 06:53 AM
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Originally Posted by Pouncer View Post
I am okay. Didn't sleep though. I had a productive talk with the husband.
Pouncer, I am so sorry. I understand what you mean about his addiction making you feel unwanted and self-conscious. My husband has actually said that my drinking made him feel that same way - like he wasn't enough for me, that I needed to drink to be with him in general and intimately. I tried to explain to him that it had nothing to do with him! It was ME, I had to drink to make MYSELF feel better. I'm just wondering if perhaps you and your husband can discuss how similarly addictions impact the non-addicted spouse and maybe bring you two closer together because of it? I would never say I wish my husband was the way I am (I wouldn't wish alcoholism on my worse enemies...) but there is a part of him that thinks my being an alcoholic is a choice and we both get frustrated that he doesn't understand it. I'm just hoping maybe this could bring you two together, as you are both working on getting and staying sober. It sounds like there is still a lot of love there, so I'm just trying to find the silver lining.

If he doesn't want to get sober with his SA though, obviously that's a different story. I also understand what you mean when you say his addiction was a trigger for your drinking, but if I were you I'd try to separate the two because it sounds like the AV talking trying to find justification for drinking again. I'm not saying drinking doesn't make it easier for you to deal with his addiction (I am sure it does) I am just more concerned with your well-being is all, as I am sure this is taking a toll on you mentally and emotionally.

I really hope things get better for you, Pouncer. I am so sorry you are in this situation. I'll be thinking about you today so please keep us updated if you can. (((Hugs)))
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Old 04-29-2015, 09:36 AM
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Originally Posted by Pouncer View Post
I wish he knew how unattractive it makes him. It is like being intimate with a teenager. I prefer a man - a grown-up.
With my AH, I have to pick my battles and believe me, there are many. His kinky porn emails/links are just one of many things that makes him so unattractive. (Actually his physical appearance one would consider him attractive. Don't judge a book by it's cover. Right!)

Yes, i would prefer a mature grown-up man. (is the grass really greener on the other side???)

But, right now this is what I have and i have come to a realization, love it or leave it, and right now it's leaning towards the later.

time will tell, not to worried about it, i think I have accepted the reality of my shituation=****** situation
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