SpiritOfDjinn

Sadly, I haven't amassed enough of it to fill a book. I used to have quite the collection going but then I got torn down a couple times and told that I just wasn't any good. It put me in a dark place and while I was there I literally burnt my entire binder to ash... So, I'm back to square one.

SpiritOfDjinn

It's good to see you here Kafka. You've got the right attitude that's for sure!

Kafkaesque

Thanks Spirit!

Today marks 51 days sober for me and I know that I wouldn't have made it through many of them without this thread. Some weeks I go into hiding so to speak, but even then I'm still reading all of everyone's posts here.

How is everyone doing today? Has anyone heard from Needtostop or Secretary lately?

Kafkaesque

By the way, how have you been doing lately? Have you always written poetry or has that been something you recently discovered with your sober plan? I read them both and truly enjoyed them. It's amazing how poetry can reach such a wide audience and on such a thought-provoking level. Definitely keep posting them as you write them and are comfortable doing so!

Pouncer

Hi Marchers,

I am having a really rough time. My husband has repeatedly not sought out help for a serious porn addiction. He lies about it, is secretive (just like an alcoholic). We have gone through therapy, SA, the whole nine yards...I confronted him yet again last night - I couldn't take being silent anymore. He denied it for at least an hour - then said he was 'sober' for three weeks and that was the longest he has abstained for years.

So, in typical Pouncer fashion, I texted him a bunch of porn images and told him to never, ever touch me again. I do not blame him for my irresponsible addiction-I don't. It is so hard to say this, but his addiction was a massive trigger for me.

I know I acted immature today...this was the last time and I never, ever want to give him another chance again. I am so hurt.

He has really let himself go and honestly, I am not attracted to him anymore -- mostly because of his constant lying and deceptions. I don't believe in divorce and I don't want to do anything drastic during early recovery - I just do not want to be dealt another blow. I don't know what to do. I was furious about his deflection when I confronted him. This is all my fault, I am overreacting...

His last therapist actually made it worse. I am sick right now. I am stalwart in my sobriety and I am on the lookout for the AV.

NikTes

(((Pouncer))))

I send warmth and wish I could send you some ease. Make sure to take some time and space for yourself tonight or today. Being furious sounds like a reasonable emotion to me -- if there was a way to transform that into a form of peace, if only for a moment... wish I knew how. You're not alone. (My husband is an alcoholic and we have our struggles.) From what I know of you here, your heart and passion, you are fantastic.

NikTes

Djinn, sometimes people can be jerks. I'm sorry that person left you feeling torn down. Remember, you have your readers -- keep them and their positivity close.

Pouncer

Thanks, Nik...Unfortunately, I really said some hurtful things to him. The worst part is that I don't fell bad about it (yet).

I got my haircut this morning. I was tired of him dictating how my hair should be. I got it cut shorter, shaved a teensy bit on one side and a bit of pink under layers. I feel like myself, finally. I just felt like I had to do something to make me feel better about who I am.

NikTes

I love the sound of your new hair cut! And the change signifies fortitude and fiestiness, yes? We're all becoming the people we want to be. True selves. And! I got mine cut two days ago! Ha... No pink. Though once, several years ago, I tried to turn my brown hair blue... and ended up with green.

Pouncer

Don't do that to yourself, Djinn. I am a writer and I used to do impulsive stuff like that all the time. Now I just rewrite, edit, rewrite, edit...

Just a small bit of advice...as fiction writers, our job is not in creating a reflection of our lives. Our lives are boring - our job is to tell the truth in a lie (or vice versa). Develop characters and/or poetry outside of yourself. Give them/it a history and dimensions that makes them irrepressible and so real that they breathe on the page.

Most of all, don't be too harsh on yourself. Do your best and keep working at it. Writing well is a skill - you have to work at it. Writers have to have thick skin to survive and to make money. Use critiques as an opportunity to improve your resilience.

Write on and rock on, Djinn!

Mel12

Go Djinn go! Your creativity rocks louder than any naysayer (IMHO). It's already doing its magic on SR. - Mel

SpiritOfDjinn

51 days? Wow! That's awesome!

SpiritOfDjinn

I've been well lately. Not a lot of chatter from AV. I've been focusing on my writing and it seems to help a lot. I've been writing poetry for many many years but just recently started to share it here. These last two I thought were relatable to folks here.

SpiritOfDjinn

Man... This ^^^ sounds terrible, but I admire your commitment to your marriage. Not many people can make it through things like this. I hope that eventually you can get through to him. We are always here for you to lean on.

Dee74

I'm sorry Pouncer.

Congrats to you Chewy on 30 days and to everyone else hitting some great milestones today

D

SpiritOfDjinn

That's the plan!

SpiritOfDjinn

Thanks for the support Pouncer. I have a long way to go in developing a thicker skin but that's all part of the game. I have been much more focused lately than before. I have decided, for certain, that I WILL publish a novel AND a collection of poetry. I haven't yet set a time limit on that though. Maybe a deadline would help?

Pouncer

Djinn,

I have gone through what you describe at least 4 times. Of course it makes me feel ugly. And unwanted. And self-conscious. Do you mean you actually stopped? SA has such a low rate of recovery, lower than alcohol or heroin addition.

We have been in crisis mode at least 4 times. I am tired of it. I am going to take some time to think about it, but right now, I am looking at legal separation.

Bmac

Hi all. Checking in on day 43. Feeling much more content in my sobriety. Started exercising again and am feeling better about that as well.

Pouncer, you're beautiful inside and out. The new hair sounds fab! So sorry to hear about what you are going through, yet encouraged to hear your committment to sobriety in lieu of it.

When I was in college, one of my dear friends was living with her BF. She was drop dead gorgeous yet her BF hid porn mags all over the apartment (this was pre internet days). Lucky for me she finally dumped him and I got to date her for a short time. I never understood how a guy could be in a committed relationship yet turn to porn. Perhaps it is an addiction in some ways similar to ours. Who knows. Either way, it's not cool that you have to get hurt by it. Hugs to you.

SpiritOfDjinn

Well, in all honesty, it's a lot like alcohol. I avoid is as much as humanly possible. Of course I still slip but it doesn't rule my life. And one day I want to put it completely behind me and never look back.