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Class of March 2015 Part 5

Old 06-19-2015, 08:29 AM
  # 381 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by immri View Post

Oh this makes me smile! Sounds so lovely (and I've never seen fireflies! How cool. Crickets are my favourite though) but even more so you just sound very happy which is wonderful!

And Mel - I'm exactly the same, I have to work on not getting too burnt out from my own manic work, but at least we're being productive? Haha could be worse

I'm doing good here, had a really down day recently but didn't let drinking even be an option and just gave myself a day to watch movies and sleep and let it pass - I was mostly better the next day so I'll be keeping this in mind for the future
You're doing great immri. Keeping those down days under control is hard but you did it! As for the fireflies, I'll have to take a picture and share it here. When they are active at night over a big open field it's just breathtaking. Keep Marching guys!
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Old 06-19-2015, 12:48 PM
  # 382 (permalink)  
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Have a nice weekend guys
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Old 06-20-2015, 10:31 AM
  # 383 (permalink)  
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Just hiked 10 miles.....

Hello all---
Thought I would get a hike in before the brutal heat of the day sets in. Got out there before sunrise and had a good workout. Contemplated life a bit while I watched the sun come up and listened to birds chirp and watched rabbits and lizards scurry about. Now I am just tired and sore but I'm glad I did it.

I hope everyone is doing well. I enjoy reading the posts in this group.
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Old 06-20-2015, 12:57 PM
  # 384 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Bobcat17 View Post
Hello all---
Thought I would get a hike in before the brutal heat of the day sets in. Got out there before sunrise and had a good workout. Contemplated life a bit while I watched the sun come up and listened to birds chirp and watched rabbits and lizards scurry about. Now I am just tired and sore but I'm glad I did it.

I hope everyone is doing well. I enjoy reading the posts in this group.
A nice hike is always good. It's good for your health and helps clear out your mind too. And yeah, the heat is a pain too. Gotta be careful with that one.
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Old 06-21-2015, 11:04 AM
  # 385 (permalink)  
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Happy Father's Day to all the Dads in our March class!
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Old 06-21-2015, 11:11 AM
  # 386 (permalink)  
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Happy fathers day
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Old 06-22-2015, 12:50 AM
  # 387 (permalink)  
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It is nice to be checking in with the Marchers. I need to get caught up on everyone's posts. I have been very busy with work (writing projects), continual, agonizing PTSD episodes and dealing with my husband who has spinal injury and is in a wheelchair, needs care, on many meds, et cetera, until he has a procedure that is supposed to help.

I am still sober. Thinking about drinking is not so frequent anymore. A month ago, I was still agonizing here and there over temptation, but right now, I think I can appreciate that I need to be sober to deal with my therapy and anxiety. Sobriety has been, for me, a catalyst for PTSD episodes. Sometimes flashbacks and obtrusive memories are so relentless and painful. When I am feeling in a self-destructive mood (or thinking about suicide) I wonder if it would just be easier to go back to being a drunk. But- it is not an acceptable option for me. I will never make my beautiful and kind children go through the type of trauma I did when I was their age. Drinking is not a solution that I want anymore.

I am seeing a PTSD therapist soon and I have been dreading that almost as much as Father's Day. I got through the day and I don't have to think about it for another year. My sister called on my parents' other phone line when I called to talk to my father. She was on speaker while I talked to my mom. Just like me, she waited until the last minute of the day (right before bed) and sounded just as distant as I was. It scares me how easily I can cut off painful emotions and detach myself when speaking with the person who did many, many bad things to my sisters and me. It is hard and although I know I don't owe my Borderline/Narcissistic father anything, I would rather not make trouble and keep a comfortable distance throughout the year.

In many ways I am grateful to be working through the trauma. Obviously, it contributed to my excessive alcohol use. I would have never been able to endure memories or roller-coaster like flashbacks before I got sober. In fact, I would have never let those memories surface.

Sorry for writing a not-so-cheerful update. I know I sound morose, but at least I I am facing my emotions head-on and I am being honest with myself for the first time in my life. I may not be happy, but I am starting to be hopeful.
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Old 06-22-2015, 01:16 AM
  # 388 (permalink)  
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It's good to hear from you Pouncer. I really believe staying sober will help you with other things too

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Old 06-22-2015, 01:25 PM
  # 389 (permalink)  
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Checking in again. I'm gearing up to relocate: moving to a temporary job this week, then moving in for real in three weeks to the place where I will be living for the next year. Packing woes aside (NOTHING revs my anxiety like packing!), I'm trying to figure out ways to make the next year better than the last one. Last year I kept withdrawing, withdrawing, withdrawing until I became a bit of a hermit on some days. I had friends, I went to class...but I went straight back to my dorm after class, either self-medicated with food or desperately tried other things (solitaire, sudoku, online window-shopping, etc.) to "take a break" that just didn't really affect my anxiety level. Going anywhere felt like such a struggle. I'm hoping that won't happen again this year, but I never really figured out why it happened last year. I don't really know what I can do differently.

What do you all do when you get home, tired and overwhelmed from the day? Do you have a way to take (mental or actual) breaks during the day? Do they help?
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Old 06-22-2015, 02:44 PM
  # 390 (permalink)  
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Hope it all goes well congrats happy
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Old 06-23-2015, 03:52 PM
  # 391 (permalink)  
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Well everyone, I'm back. Not sure what to write at the moment. Hungover again. I don't want to bore everyone but the last few months were pretty bad for me. Depressed and anxious and i just broke down and started binge drinking again pretty badly. I am now on an antidepressant and it is working but like a idiot i have been drinking with the pills. I know how bad it is, but my mind just can't seem to want that drink. Anyway i need to catch up here.
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Old 06-24-2015, 08:52 AM
  # 392 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Pouncer View Post
It is nice to be checking in with the Marchers. I need to get caught up on everyone's posts. I have been very busy with work (writing projects), continual, agonizing PTSD episodes and dealing with my husband who has spinal injury and is in a wheelchair, needs care, on many meds, et cetera, until he has a procedure that is supposed to help.

I am still sober. Thinking about drinking is not so frequent anymore. A month ago, I was still agonizing here and there over temptation, but right now, I think I can appreciate that I need to be sober to deal with my therapy and anxiety. Sobriety has been, for me, a catalyst for PTSD episodes. Sometimes flashbacks and obtrusive memories are so relentless and painful. When I am feeling in a self-destructive mood (or thinking about suicide) I wonder if it would just be easier to go back to being a drunk. But- it is not an acceptable option for me. I will never make my beautiful and kind children go through the type of trauma I did when I was their age. Drinking is not a solution that I want anymore.

I am seeing a PTSD therapist soon and I have been dreading that almost as much as Father's Day. I got through the day and I don't have to think about it for another year. My sister called on my parents' other phone line when I called to talk to my father. She was on speaker while I talked to my mom. Just like me, she waited until the last minute of the day (right before bed) and sounded just as distant as I was. It scares me how easily I can cut off painful emotions and detach myself when speaking with the person who did many, many bad things to my sisters and me. It is hard and although I know I don't owe my Borderline/Narcissistic father anything, I would rather not make trouble and keep a comfortable distance throughout the year.

In many ways I am grateful to be working through the trauma. Obviously, it contributed to my excessive alcohol use. I would have never been able to endure memories or roller-coaster like flashbacks before I got sober. In fact, I would have never let those memories surface.

Sorry for writing a not-so-cheerful update. I know I sound morose, but at least I I am facing my emotions head-on and I am being honest with myself for the first time in my life. I may not be happy, but I am starting to be hopeful.
Pouncer, you are doing amazing things now that you are sober. WOW! What a strong person you are to deal with all of this. Hope is all we can hope for, something to help us look forward to the next day.
Thank you for sharing all of that with us. We are here for you!
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Old 06-24-2015, 08:58 AM
  # 393 (permalink)  
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After seeing Pouncer's powerful post, I have to say that I think there was a reason to become sober, and for me I believe it was to see how unhappy I am in my marriage. We just had our anniversary of 30+ years and it's been 30 pretty miserable years. All I wanted him to do was love me and he just couldn't let himself do that. Now we are older and I don't want to waste anymore time on this man. We spent 4 years FOUR YEARS in counseling about 10 years ago and still it hasn't gotten any better.

But can I start over alone in my 60's? Is that crazy? I'm terrified and excited at the same time. And I know now that this is the reason I got sober, so I could be clear headed when I made this decision.
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Old 06-24-2015, 09:03 AM
  # 394 (permalink)  
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Yes. You can!
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Old 06-24-2015, 10:53 AM
  # 395 (permalink)  
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Hi all,
Glad to hear most are hanging in there. I had a few glasses of wine last weekend with friends, so I'm all over the place.

I just found out that my X AH to be was texting an old girlfriend back in the early part of May. Doesn't really make much difference now, does it? And, he is texting two ladies. He is text cheating. LOL
Well, anyway, I text one this morning and texted, "Hi, this is #### wife. I was going over the phone bill and found out that my husband has been texting you and calling starting in the early May. First, he was still claiming he loved me in May. I'm leaving my husband cuz he drinks 3 to 4 bottles of vodka a week, plus a few bottles of wine. I realize it is over between us, i can not help him, he needs to do that himself. Also, he is texting another lady the same time he is texting you. If you want to talk, sure. Just wanted to give you heads up."
also, stole his hairbrush (he loves his hair) and deodorant and the marinated chicken in frig., disconnected the tv/internet, cancelled the joint phone line. I hope he loses the phone number he's had for decades.

It's good to be me sometimes......
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Old 06-24-2015, 06:24 PM
  # 396 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Pouncer View Post
It is nice to be checking in with the Marchers. I need to get caught up on everyone's posts. I have been very busy with work (writing projects), continual, agonizing PTSD episodes and dealing with my husband who has spinal injury and is in a wheelchair, needs care, on many meds, et cetera, until he has a procedure that is supposed to help.

I am still sober. Thinking about drinking is not so frequent anymore. A month ago, I was still agonizing here and there over temptation, but right now, I think I can appreciate that I need to be sober to deal with my therapy and anxiety. Sobriety has been, for me, a catalyst for PTSD episodes. Sometimes flashbacks and obtrusive memories are so relentless and painful. When I am feeling in a self-destructive mood (or thinking about suicide) I wonder if it would just be easier to go back to being a drunk. But- it is not an acceptable option for me. I will never make my beautiful and kind children go through the type of trauma I did when I was their age. Drinking is not a solution that I want anymore.

I am seeing a PTSD therapist soon and I have been dreading that almost as much as Father's Day. I got through the day and I don't have to think about it for another year. My sister called on my parents' other phone line when I called to talk to my father. She was on speaker while I talked to my mom. Just like me, she waited until the last minute of the day (right before bed) and sounded just as distant as I was. It scares me how easily I can cut off painful emotions and detach myself when speaking with the person who did many, many bad things to my sisters and me. It is hard and although I know I don't owe my Borderline/Narcissistic father anything, I would rather not make trouble and keep a comfortable distance throughout the year.

In many ways I am grateful to be working through the trauma. Obviously, it contributed to my excessive alcohol use. I would have never been able to endure memories or roller-coaster like flashbacks before I got sober. In fact, I would have never let those memories surface.

Sorry for writing a not-so-cheerful update. I know I sound morose, but at least I I am facing my emotions head-on and I am being honest with myself for the first time in my life. I may not be happy, but I am starting to be hopeful.
It may be less than cheerful but at least it's honest. I'm glad you stopped in for an update. I think that getting counselling for your PTSD is definitely going to help you get a handle on all the things you struggle with. I know it has helped my wife immensely. She was at one time addicted to methamphetamine and that exacerbated some of the mental symptoms of the trauma. But, through therapy and lots of love and support, she is doing better than she ever has. Keep your chin up, you're rocking this!
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Old 06-24-2015, 06:33 PM
  # 397 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by happytobealive1 View Post
Checking in again. I'm gearing up to relocate: moving to a temporary job this week, then moving in for real in three weeks to the place where I will be living for the next year. Packing woes aside (NOTHING revs my anxiety like packing!), I'm trying to figure out ways to make the next year better than the last one. Last year I kept withdrawing, withdrawing, withdrawing until I became a bit of a hermit on some days. I had friends, I went to class...but I went straight back to my dorm after class, either self-medicated with food or desperately tried other things (solitaire, sudoku, online window-shopping, etc.) to "take a break" that just didn't really affect my anxiety level. Going anywhere felt like such a struggle. I'm hoping that won't happen again this year, but I never really figured out why it happened last year. I don't really know what I can do differently.

What do you all do when you get home, tired and overwhelmed from the day? Do you have a way to take (mental or actual) breaks during the day? Do they help?
For me, if I start feeling overwhelmed I will usually step out and smoke a cigarette. But, I obviously am not recommending you do that. I WOULD however recommend taking reading breaks. It's a great escape. Whether it's a book or a short article, it helps distract from the crazy emotions that can come up. If you have a smartphone that makes it all the easier. Good luck happy. We're rooting for you.
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Old 06-24-2015, 06:38 PM
  # 398 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by needtostopthis View Post
Well everyone, I'm back. Not sure what to write at the moment. Hungover again. I don't want to bore everyone but the last few months were pretty bad for me. Depressed and anxious and i just broke down and started binge drinking again pretty badly. I am now on an antidepressant and it is working but like a idiot i have been drinking with the pills. I know how bad it is, but my mind just can't seem to want that drink. Anyway i need to catch up here.
Oh need, :'( I'm so sorry to hear that... I can't imagine the shame, frustration, and anger you're feeling right now. I'm grateful that you felt comfortable enough to come here and open up about this. But, to be truthful, I have to wonder if perhaps you shouldn't seek out a counsellor or therapist to help you. I'm sure that your embarrassment from all of this causes you to shy away from that idea but you could really hurt yourself. Death is a real possibility when battling the demon that is alcohol. Please consider the idea need. You deserve a better life than alcohol will allow you to have.
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Old 06-24-2015, 06:40 PM
  # 399 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by secretary View Post
After seeing Pouncer's powerful post, I have to say that I think there was a reason to become sober, and for me I believe it was to see how unhappy I am in my marriage. We just had our anniversary of 30+ years and it's been 30 pretty miserable years. All I wanted him to do was love me and he just couldn't let himself do that. Now we are older and I don't want to waste anymore time on this man. We spent 4 years FOUR YEARS in counseling about 10 years ago and still it hasn't gotten any better.

But can I start over alone in my 60's? Is that crazy? I'm terrified and excited at the same time. And I know now that this is the reason I got sober, so I could be clear headed when I made this decision.
It's not crazy secretary, not a bit. But, this is truly a question that only you can answer. I suppose some very deep and intense soul searching is in order, yes? Whatever you decide, good luck to you, and we will be here for you to lean on.
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Old 06-24-2015, 06:47 PM
  # 400 (permalink)  
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Quick update for me Marchers. I have been doing fairly well since moving home. I have a job interview tomorrow and I'm celebrating with one of my favorite drinks that I couldn't get in Washington; White Birch Beer. Yum!

I did run into a bit of a pickle with some old friends though. They want me to visit them and catch up, shoot some pool, etc. The problem? They still drink and partake in other recreational drugs. They swear up and down that there won't be any pressure for me to participate but that's not what I'm worried about. I'm worried about my own self control... I have explained this to them but that hasn't swayed their position. I don't want to write them off but, I just can't see putting myself in that position either. Ugh...
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