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Class of March 2015 Part 5

Old 05-13-2015, 05:15 PM
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Stay strong Spirit! Don't drink!
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Old 05-13-2015, 05:22 PM
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Originally Posted by SpiritOfDjinn View Post
Well Kafka, I can tell you, running has helped me in the past. It's a good way to shed some stress and bring your mood up. I'm on day 31 today I think. Having a hard go of it today too. So many moving pieces lately with my job, my family, moving and going back to school to get my Bachelor's. 3 steps forward and 2 steps back, every day, for the past 3 months. It's taking its toll and I keep finding myself thinking about a drink. It hasn't been this bad for awhile. I know that alcohol most certainly WON'T make things better and I keep telling myself that too. AV is just on a soapbox with a megaphone today... If AV was a real person, I'd tackle him to the ground and beat his good for nothing face in... How do I do that mentally?
Congrats on day 31! The one positive thing I will say about relapse is it allows you to learn from your mistakes - I've learned that day 60-100 are actually the hardest for me because the AV is quiet but sneak attacks me when I'm least expecting it.

I had the overwhelming urge to order a cocktail this evening. I swear I just stared at the waiter and ordered a coke on autopilot since I had rehearsed it so many times in my head. As I did, I pictured if I had a few cocktails... I'd be plastered as I haven't eaten today, end up saying something stupid to my new coworkers, stumble and attempt to find my way to the train... Probably miss the train and stop at another bar with an hour to kill... Need my husband to pick me up at the train station because I was to drunk to drive... Ask him over and over again "I think I said XYZ, do you think I offended someone??" And have him attempt to comfort me and calm me down, meanwhile him getting frustrated by another failed attempt at sobriety and by me tweaking the entire evening. Then waking up tomorrow, hungover, feeling distraught and embarrassed and having to go to work feeling sick and wondering if I had offended anyone. I wanted to share this because it brought clarity to me. For those of you struggling, imagine from this moment to tomorrow morning what would happen if you drank, who you would hurt (and in my case, offend and annoy) and how you would feel.

I've also came up with a legitimate sober plan: I wrote down what I will do if I want to drink to celebrate (go out for dessert), what I will do if I want to drink because I am sad (buy some ice cream, put on a sad movie, cry my eyes out), if I want to drink because I am angry or frustrated (go for an hour long jog/walk leaving my phone at home so I can 'unplug' and go through the motions with my anger), what I will do if I think I can be a normal drinker again (spend 30 minutes reading in the Newcomers threads and finding the closest/soonest AA meeting after realizing I am NOT the exception to the rule...) I know for those who have been sober for a long time, these reactions to the AV come naturally. For me, they still don't. I'm going to give a copy of this plan to my husband so he can also help encourage me to respond the RIGHT way Spirit, have you created a sober plan? It sounds like you have your hands full with your bachelors degree so I know this might be a bit time consuming initially, but it might help you in the long run to not have to think about what you should do when the AV is loud.

Sorry for the novel, but I just felt like I had an epiphany today. Not drinking at happy hour was a real victory for me, one I'll be putting in my 2015 accomplishments jar
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Old 05-13-2015, 05:31 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Have you looked into AVRT Djinn?

D
I have not Dee. Could you illiterate a little?
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Old 05-13-2015, 05:35 PM
  # 224 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Kafkaesque View Post

Congrats on day 31! The one positive thing I will say about relapse is it allows you to learn from your mistakes - I've learned that day 60-100 are actually the hardest for me because the AV is quiet but sneak attacks me when I'm least expecting it.

I had the overwhelming urge to order a cocktail this evening. I swear I just stared at the waiter and ordered a coke on autopilot since I had rehearsed it so many times in my head. As I did, I pictured if I had a few cocktails... I'd be plastered as I haven't eaten today, end up saying something stupid to my new coworkers, stumble and attempt to find my way to the train... Probably miss the train and stop at another bar with an hour to kill... Need my husband to pick me up at the train station because I was to drunk to drive... Ask him over and over again "I think I said XYZ, do you think I offended someone??" And have him attempt to comfort me and calm me down, meanwhile him getting frustrated by another failed attempt at sobriety and by me tweaking the entire evening. Then waking up tomorrow, hungover, feeling distraught and embarrassed and having to go to work feeling sick and wondering if I had offended anyone. I wanted to share this because it brought clarity to me. For those of you struggling, imagine from this moment to tomorrow morning what would happen if you drank, who you would hurt (and in my case, offend and annoy) and how you would feel.

I've also came up with a legitimate sober plan: I wrote down what I will do if I want to drink to celebrate (go out for dessert), what I will do if I want to drink because I am sad (buy some ice cream, put on a sad movie, cry my eyes out), if I want to drink because I am angry or frustrated (go for an hour long jog/walk leaving my phone at home so I can 'unplug' and go through the motions with my anger), what I will do if I think I can be a normal drinker again (spend 30 minutes reading in the Newcomers threads and finding the closest/soonest AA meeting after realizing I am NOT the exception to the rule...) I know for those who have been sober for a long time, these reactions to the AV come naturally. For me, they still don't. I'm going to give a copy of this plan to my husband so he can also help encourage me to respond the RIGHT way Spirit, have you created a sober plan? It sounds like you have your hands full with your bachelors degree so I know this might be a bit time consuming initially, but it might help you in the long run to not have to think about what you should do when the AV is loud.

Sorry for the novel, but I just felt like I had an epiphany today. Not drinking at happy hour was a real victory for me, one I'll be putting in my 2015 accomplishments jar
Actually reading through the first part of this where you mapped out an evening with cocktails on board, I don't feel quite so thirsty. Thanks for that! I think maybe I will go home and do some writing. It tends to take my mind off of the things that stress me out and cause me to want to drink. It also tends to quiet the AV as well.

Thanks for posting this!
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Old 05-13-2015, 07:24 PM
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It stands for Addictive Voice Recognition Technique, Djinn. It's the mainstay of Rational Recovery.

It's not something I used but I thought it might be helpful for you.

This thread is a good place to start.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ined-long.html
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Old 05-13-2015, 11:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Kafkaesque View Post
Sorry for the novel, but I just felt like I had an epiphany today. Not drinking at happy hour was a real victory for me, one I'll be putting in my 2015 accomplishments jar
Way to go Kafka in following your plan. I read your other thread also and you SHOULD be proud that your were able to follow through and not drink during the happy hour. That will increase your strength and resiliency the next time a drinking situation comes up.

I had a good Mother's Day visit with the folks. Yes, there was some stress as Mom isn't doing well and Dad insists on having total control of everything and doesn't much listen to suggestions of help. My sister cooked dinner just to help out, and while it was good, Dad was still stressing because he wasn't doing it himself. Oh well, just family drama stuff. Life goes on....you just have to deal with people as they are.

Today was Day 74 and I'm still trucking. My biggest temptation may be next week as I will be camping in the mountains with some friends and there was nothing I enjoyed more than having a few beers around the campfire. The people I am going with don't drink much, so that might help.
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Old 05-14-2015, 02:15 AM
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Originally Posted by Kafkaesque View Post
I've also came up with a legitimate sober plan: I wrote down what I will do if I want to drink to celebrate (go out for dessert), what I will do if I want to drink because I am sad (buy some ice cream, put on a sad movie, cry my eyes out), if I want to drink because I am angry or frustrated (go for an hour long jog/walk leaving my phone at home so I can 'unplug' and go through the motions with my anger), what I will do if I think I can be a normal drinker again (spend 30 minutes reading in the Newcomers threads and finding the closest/soonest AA meeting after realizing I am NOT the exception to the rule...) I know for those who have been sober for a long time, these reactions to the AV come naturally. For me, they still don't.
Copy/paste. Awesome. Thanks for sharing.
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Old 05-14-2015, 02:24 AM
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I am wiped out today.

I had acupuncture yesterday (I've had more fun at the dentist) on my hands. I suffer with carpal tunnel symptoms although the syndrome itself has been ruled out based on test results. It's not much fun dropping things and being unable to feel a piece of sticky tape attached to your finger (ever tried changing a nappy with numb fingers?). I'm hoping the acupuncture will help as there appears to be no other avenue to explore for relief.

Anyway, my folks have taken my 2 little boys while my eldest is at school so I'm snuggled up under a blanket with a cup of coffee, watching the rain. I might have a nap in a while.

Hope my fellow marchers are doing well.
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Old 05-14-2015, 07:08 AM
  # 229 (permalink)  
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It's good to see a few more people checking in today. It's been a little quiet here lately.

Just wanted to update you guys. I squashed AV yesterday somehow. Put the brakes on and said "Absolutely not!" I did however have a dream in which I got absolutely sloshed beyond recognition. Then I woke up wondering why I wasn't hungover. It took me a few minutes to realize it was just a dream. So weird how that works.

Anyway, I'm back on track and ready to take on yet another day of the uphill struggle. Hope all my fellow Marchers are doing well today. Keep trucking guys!
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Old 05-14-2015, 04:02 PM
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Originally Posted by SpiritOfDjinn View Post
It's good to see a few more people checking in today. It's been a little quiet here lately.

Just wanted to update you guys. I squashed AV yesterday somehow. Put the brakes on and said "Absolutely not!" I did however have a dream in which I got absolutely sloshed beyond recognition. Then I woke up wondering why I wasn't hungover. It took me a few minutes to realize it was just a dream. So weird how that works.

Anyway, I'm back on track and ready to take on yet another day of the uphill struggle. Hope all my fellow Marchers are doing well today. Keep trucking guys!

Congratulations! Our minds are funny things. I haven't had any drinking dreams, but when I quit smoking, I kept having dreams that I started to light up and then panicked because I remembered I had quit.
Keep up the good work!
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Old 05-14-2015, 08:00 PM
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Originally Posted by secretary View Post
Totally get that. I just can't deal with the husband any more and I have totally withdrawn from him, not speaking, just kind of cohabitating in the same house. We haven't slept in the same room for years (he has sleep apnea), we don't eat or watch TV together. And lately I see how negative he is to me, no matter what I say to him, so I slowly started to withdraw, and the funny thing is, I don't feel so sad anymore!! How weird is that?
this is how I feel at times, it's sad when you get to this point, it's almost a no return junction in life. My husband has sleep apnea and drinks, i have spent many years nudging him at night to get him to breath. I couldn't do it anymore. I'm not his monitor/cpap.
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Old 05-14-2015, 08:17 PM
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Originally Posted by SpiritOfDjinn View Post
I did however have a dream in which I got absolutely sloshed beyond recognition. Then I woke up wondering why I wasn't hungover. It took me a few minutes to realize it was just a dream. So weird how that works.
I don't have drinking dreams, smoking dreams i have. I don't taste the nicotine in my dream, instead i feel the dreadful guilt/anger of starting up again.
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Old 05-14-2015, 08:21 PM
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went to a formal dinner last night and sipped on a half glass of wine for two hours...need to up/change/tweak my plan.

been working more hours, short staffed at work, working some overtime, might help keep mind busy
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Old 05-14-2015, 11:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Sisterbobby View Post
went to a formal dinner last night and sipped on a half glass of wine for two hours...need to up/change/tweak my plan.

been working more hours, short staffed at work, working some overtime, might help keep mind busy
Sounds like maybe a tune up is in order. How's your confidence level after that slip up? Are you still feeling okay with your sobriety or are you fighting with regret and self doubt / loathing? That combo is the worst. Keep your chin up. You can do better and you obviously already know it.
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Old 05-15-2015, 05:58 AM
  # 235 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by SpiritOfDjinn View Post
Sounds like maybe a tune up is in order. How's your confidence level after that slip up? Are you still feeling okay with your sobriety or are you fighting with regret and self doubt / loathing? That combo is the worst. Keep your chin up. You can do better and you obviously already know it.
Things at home are about the same, no one mentioning the big white/pink, whatever color that big darn elephant is. Sometimes the elephant is so smothering, it's hard to enter the same room as my hubby, but that's how we deal with our issues. Ignore them and they will eventually go away.
I think that is where i'm at, on the crossroads of going back or moving forward.
I can't go back, I'm not going back. There is nothing back there for me. That's his drinking world. It's the waiting.

Yes I need a tune up. Maybe another trip.
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Old 05-16-2015, 08:26 AM
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Originally Posted by Sisterbobby View Post
Things at home are about the same, no one mentioning the big white/pink, whatever color that big darn elephant is. Sometimes the elephant is so smothering, it's hard to enter the same room as my hubby, but that's how we deal with our issues. Ignore them and they will eventually go away.
I think that is where i'm at, on the crossroads of going back or moving forward.
I can't go back, I'm not going back. There is nothing back there for me. That's his drinking world. It's the waiting.

Yes I need a tune up. Maybe another trip.
Yes, I have that same damn elephant and no matter how we try (haha, not REALLY trying) we always end up mad. He blames me, I blame him, but no one is happy. Sometimes I feel, okay I'm already lonely, can it be any worse being alone? We are coming up on our 36th wedding anniversary and I can count on two hands how many of those have really been happy ones.
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Old 05-16-2015, 08:28 AM
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Originally Posted by SpiritOfDjinn View Post
Sounds like maybe a tune up is in order. How's your confidence level after that slip up? Are you still feeling okay with your sobriety or are you fighting with regret and self doubt / loathing? That combo is the worst. Keep your chin up. You can do better and you obviously already know it.
I, personally, have so little self confidence and so much regret. When i worked at my old job, that was my happiness center, and now that I no longer have that, I pretty much feel like I have nothing.
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Old 05-16-2015, 05:43 PM
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I hope things will look better in a little while Secretary?

D
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Old 05-16-2015, 08:40 PM
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Checking in. Sorry to hear about your situations Sisterbobby and Secretary. It is hard for me to relate to marriage issues as I am single myself. But being single means having more free time and that can be problematic in terms of being tempted to drink. But so far I haven't given in.
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Old 05-17-2015, 12:41 AM
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Hey friends,

Sorry I went AWOL. I am still sober and on Day 31, although I had some close calls.

I have been dealing with a flood of PTSD symptoms and it has pretty much consumed me over the last two weeks. My p doc put me on a limited amount of Ativan - I felt uncomfortable about it but because they have a high potential for abuse. I was in severe crisis, he insisted. I still feel guilty about taking them. I was hyperventilating every night and not doing well.

I see him in two weeks for a follow-up and am still looking for a compatible therapist who specializes in trauma.

I hope I can get caught up on everyone's lives here at SR tomorrow.
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