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Class of October 2013 - Part 14

Old 05-12-2015, 10:45 AM
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hey friends - I am here still...just super busy at work. I will read and catch up this evening.

XOXO
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Old 05-16-2015, 09:05 AM
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Tobies, I noticed that our activity here has lessened a lot, which I actually think it is a good sign! Honestly, after passing that 18 month mark, I haven't had any major cravings or thoughts of drinking at all. Sobriety really has become my way of life and I am so grateful for it. I am spending a lot more time on the Family and Friends section these days as I am finding I need more support dealing with my codependent tendencies with my mother's alcoholism. It is so funny how things go in circles. I originally found SR looking for ways to "fix" my mother's alcoholism. Reading everything here on the forums made me face my own demons with alcohol, so I had to shift my focus to my own recovery from my alcohol problem. Now that I feel more secure in my recovery, I can now healthfully focus on my codependency issues that were not addressable until I faced my own alcohol dependency issues. Anyway, I am entirely grateful for SR for every part of this cycle as I have never felt more emotionally healthy in my life than right now. Although none of us frequent here as much as we used to, I am so proud of us and our recoveries and our honest reliance on each other for help and support. Love you all!!
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Old 05-18-2015, 05:51 AM
  # 143 (permalink)  
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With Rosebud leaving, we are down to three. Not being the most social person in the world, I'm a wee bit shocked that I'm one of the three. Who would have thunk it?

DD, I suppose it is a good sign that we don't have to post here frequently as it is an indicator that we have become comfortable with sobriety. That said, I do feel like this forum is like the rail on the side of the ice rink for me. I may not need it, but it is comforting to know that it's there!

You have always been more active in the other forums than Cindy or myself. I think it's great that you are reaching out and finding support in dealing with issues with your mother. Cindy has been very active in AA and I think that has provided her with a lot of strength.

Myself? Ehh. This is all I got. I have made halfhearted efforts to post in other forums, but I could make a more concerted effort. I feel like I'm in a really good place sobriety-wise, but it would feel odd to walk away from SR and go it alone. Maybe just checking in and reading threads from time to time would be a start.

Have a great day!
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Old 05-26-2015, 08:07 AM
  # 144 (permalink)  
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Well, it looks like our merry band may have served it's purpose as activity has dropped off considerably. As DD said, that's a good thing!

I do want to thank everyone for their assistance in this journey. While I do feel strong, I know I wouldn't be where I am today without the unconditional support of this group. You made me not feel alone in this journey and I can't thank you enough for your companionship.

Interestingly enough, I have a little story from this weekend that brings some things full circle for me.

Over our time to together, I mentioned a number of times that one of my more difficult situations was when a small group of 3 couples gets together. No one ever got out of control, but, at least for the guys, enjoying drinks was always part of the socializing. After becoming sober, I always felt like the third wheel in the guy-group. Neither of the other guys ever said anything to make me feel not included, but, sipping my coke, I just felt like an outsider as they taste tested and discussed various beverages. I was always open with them about why I no longer drank and it was never a big deal.

One of the two gents, at times, seemed to drink just a bit too much. He plays in a band and him and his wife are often out and about town and drinking was always a part.

My wife and I had dinner with this couple Saturday evening. I noticed he was drinking a Diet Coke, but really didn't give it much thought. At the end of dinner, my wife (who had had prior discussions with this guys wife) told me that he had given up drinking. I asked him why and he said almost verbatim what I had told him 19 months ago ... he had gotten to a point where he was drinking every day and often too much. He said he decided it was best if he quit 100% and has been sober for almost a month.

So there you go. It's easy to sometimes feel sorry for ourselves in not being able to enjoy a drink, but not everyone who drinks is enjoying themselves. Of course, we knew that. I'm sure my example helped my friend in some small way to reach the decision to give up drinking and I feel really good about that.

We elect to be sober for ourselves. Not to fit in. Not for anyone else. We're sober because it's the right path for us. All of you by sharing your struggles and victories helped me see that and for that I'm grateful.

You'll always been in my heart.

Carry on.
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Old 05-28-2015, 08:30 AM
  # 145 (permalink)  
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I'm still here! Promise! So normally I have lots of time to check in over lunch and stuff at work. On our small team of 8 here at work one of our ladies is going through a crisis. She is my age, small kids (5 & 10) and her husband just passed away from cancer. We are rallying around her at this time and trying to take over her projects so she can be home with her girls. I can't even imagine what she is going through. With that being said, I am SWAMPED at work! I am learning a lot and feel a little reinvigorated here. Good stuff.

I am all over the place with dating. I'll spare you all the boring details of a recently divorced girl that has never really dated...

Sobriety...where am I on this journey? Um let's see. My focus has switched from debating whether to drink or not to whether I am happy or not. I do have AA but I miss the deep personal connection that I have here with you two (and the others when they were here). It is so nice to come here and not have to provide tons of background before I get to what is going on. You guys know the deal, you know a lot of my history, but most importantly you seem to understand how I think. There is so much value in that to me. I can't thank you all enough. I have a new sponsor (yep, #3) and we met for the first time last night. I am really excited to work with her. We spent a couple of hours getting to know each other and we have a lot in common. Most importantly, she is honest and will not sugar coat things for me. I need that.

WD - I have not ventured out to the other threads on here either pretty much for the same reason. I don't know anyone "out there" so it is tough for me to understand the context of what they are saying...where they are coming from.

DD - I am glad to hear that you are seeking out support for dealing with your mom. I know that is a tough situation for you and your willingness to look for support is awesome. So many people don't even think about needing help, let alone asking for it.

So for me, when I don't check in here it is because I just forget to come to the forum. Feel free to ping me on private message or shoot me an email. I know this is an anonymous website and all that but I am open to other venues for discussions with you two.

It's a rainy day here in KC. The Royals are kicking ass and the Blackhawks are on to Game 7 on Friday night. Woohoo!

XOXO
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Old 05-28-2015, 08:59 AM
  # 146 (permalink)  
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Hi Cindy !

I'm sorry to hear about the loss your work colleague experienced. I think it's wonderful that all of you are coming together to support her. Awesome.

I'm a 55 year old married guy with two teenagers ... of course I want to hear about your dating life! Just kidding ... sort of. I went through the same thing 20+ years ago when I got divorced. I had essentially zero experience with dating. What an eye-opener!

I appreciate your thoughts about how to move forward with our group. It seems like this thread is about done.

Any ideas Dee?
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Old 05-28-2015, 01:30 PM
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Wow, I am happy to see you both still here. Just when I was going on and on about not even thinking about drinking anymore, last weekend happened. I don't know if it was hormonal, or in the stars, or just a build up, but Pity Party Resentful Sad Bored Pissed DD reared her ugly head and a big case of the "F-its" was happening in my head. "My life is so boring and only about everybody else's lives and I don't have any fun anymore and my husband I have become Ma and Pa Dragons, yada yada yada." And sadly this huge part of me wanted to slam a few drinks, quit my job, run away to an ashram and start all over again on a new planet. Did I mention that I am a middle aged woman in her forties who is probably very menopausal??? Anyway, this week I feel very in love with my husband, happy with my job and my kids and feel no need to rock the boat. I am so happy that I didn't add drinks to the mix over the weekend.

I read something on-line from an alcoholic's blog a few days ago, that sadly was an "a-ha" moment for me. As someone approaching 2 years of sobriety, I don't think this should have been a revelation, but it was and it was important because when the "F-its" float around in my head (and I have to come to acceptance with they will probably never totally go away), I need ammunition against them and any ideas of moderation. This was her quote that I wrote in my sobriety journal:

What makes me an alcoholic is that when I put booze into my system, I don't know what is going to happen. I lose the choice to make a choice and my life becomes unmanageable and I always pay the price. When I am sober and make mistakes, they are MY mistakes and not some drunken, damaged part of me.

Why this was eye opening to me was the realization that it is never the sober DD that makes the choice to have the second drink, third, fourth, bottle, shot etc. etc. After one drink, drunken damaged me takes over with the decision making and I cannot trust her at all. I think in previous thoughts of moderation, I think in my rational mind, "Well, I will just limit myself to 1-2" and sometimes I was able to do that, but I could never be sure because after one drink, hell, after one sip of alcohol, Rational DD changes places and lets Drunken Damaged DD take over the wheel.

Bottom line, I like the choices Rational Sober DD makes for herself, even when she gets moody and bored and sad and frumpy. Drunken Damaged DD is not trustworthy or predictable or safe or sane and she should NEVER be in the driver's seat.

I hope this doesn't sound too psychotic. I guess this is what everyone always meant by the AV but for some reason this concept only became crystal clear to me this past week, well past my 18 months of sobriety. Wow.

Anyway, guys I was getting too cocky and I need you. Please let's agree to not quite give up on our forum just yet!!
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Old 05-28-2015, 01:41 PM
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Originally Posted by WhoDey View Post
So there you go. It's easy to sometimes feel sorry for ourselves in not being able to enjoy a drink, but not everyone who drinks is enjoying themselves.
I ******* love this! I was so not enjoying myself there at the end. It felt like a chore...all the planning, the hiding, the self-hate, it all took away any fun or relief that alcohol once provided...no thanks!
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Old 05-28-2015, 02:11 PM
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Maybe we stick around here...I'd willingly share my email or facebook. Whatevs - just let me know what you all are comfortable with and that will work for me too.

Dating. Sigh. So AA Guy is still around. He is a really good guy. Like polar opposite of my exhubs (who is still being douchey by the way). He checks all the boxes on my "Ideal Guy"list but I am just not ready for the serious relationship. I want to date around and meet new people. There is an APP for that! I talk to different guys all the time and some have asked me to meet up for coffee or dinner and I want to go...but don't. I wish you could put a person on HOLD or layaway. LOL . Anyway, so instead of being open and honest I pull away and whittle down the time we spend together and of course AA Guy can feel the change. A couple of weeks ago I did tell him I needed some time and space. The next day we were back to texting again. I do like him. Lots. I just want to go be my own person for awhile. I don't expect him to wait and I do care about his feelings so I am trying to be mindful of my actions and how they affect him.

I've been running with this other dude (training for a half in August). I like him too. We kiss sometimes after our runs. Feels harmless. Like blowing off steam - run and a make out session. They both go to my home AA group so maybe it's not the best idea. And I know Running Dude likes me more than I like him. Gah!

I am not looking for meaningless anything. I just dig the attention. I was never the pretty girl in high school. I always felt like the boys I dated liked me because I was "fun" and partied, not because they were attracted to me physically. I'm not going to lie, it feels good to hear these grown men tell me I'm sexy and beautiful and fun to be around (without booze). Read: Daddy Issues. I know it and yet that doesn't change anything.

So needless to say, I have some work to do in this area. Having had a child at 18 and locked into a serious relationship since has me feeling like I need to explore this dating thing more. BUT do I give up the great guy in the process?

WD - I appreciate any advice, even from a 55 year old married dude. LOL

DD - I am so glad you shared that revelation about losing the choice to make a choice. Drunk Cindy is one person I do not ever want to see again. You are right in that good or bad, my behavior and decisions when I am sober are MINE. There is a difference from those made after drinking and I like the ownership.

XOXO
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Old 05-28-2015, 03:12 PM
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Wow, Cindy. I feel for you. A few weekends ago, my girlfriend was showing a group of us the facebook pics of different guys she has dated. Like you, she is newly divorced. My first thought was, "man, they are all so old." LOL I think I thought this because we are college friends and I married my college sweetheart so I am stuck in time thinking we should be looking at frat boy pictures, but then I had to remind myself that I am a mother of frat boy. Ugh. Anyway, that experience stirred up a lot in me. It got me to thinking that I didn't even know what my "type" was anymore when it came to guys. I didn't even know what I was attracted to anymore. I think these thoughts all added to my middle age despair that I was feeling last weekend. I started looking around at middle age guys, thinking to myself, if I were single, which of these guys would attract me? Anyway, I think I am married to your version of awesome AA guy that you don't want to lose. My husband is kind, handsome, successful, funny, an awesome family man who adores all of us, dependable, good in bed, etc. etc. But like you, I married quite young and I dated my husband pretty exclusively from when I was still a teenager. So, if I am honest, there is a part of me that wishes I could do what my divorced girlfriends are doing and feel young and attractive and attracted and giddy and sexy and not so serious, to just enjoy the whole romance thing all over again. BUT, there is no way I would want to lose my husband to do this. And, if I am honest, there is probably a part of him which feels the same way that I do and that feels like a knife to my heart. So, I don't have any good advice for you, but I did want you to know that you are not alone. I understand completely how you feel.
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Old 05-28-2015, 03:35 PM
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Ok, Cindy, I have been thinking about this more and if I were in your shoes, I would be honest with awesome AA guy, telling him about everything you love about him and that you were afraid to be honest with him about still wanting to date others because you don't want to lose him, but you aren't a dishonest "have my cake and eat it, too" kind of a gal. I would date myself into oblivion these next couple of years and totally get it out of my system, so that I reached a point of desperately wanting to settle down with that one, awesome, dependable great guy. Believe it or not, there is more than one of those guys floating around and even if this current guy is THAT guy, the Universe will make sure that you find each other once again. I am just saying that if I went through the nightmare of divorce, I would savor this time to really find myself and really figure out what I want before getting committed again.
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Old 05-28-2015, 03:41 PM
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Okay, and finally, being entirely hypocritical here, I know, but I would be slightly wary of only dating AA guys. They are recovering ALCOHOLICS. Take a look at the Friends and Family section here. I spend a lot of time there because of my mother's alcoholism. A relapsed alcoholic is a freaking nightmare and a detriment to our own sobriety. I know this is wrong, but I love that my husband can drink 1-3 drinks or no drinks and it is a non-issue to him. I have never had a fear that he was an alcoholic or would become one, even with his father being an alcoholic. I would just tread carefully. Again, sorry if this makes me sound like a jerk.
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Old 05-28-2015, 03:52 PM
  # 153 (permalink)  
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I get why you feel that way DD but for me tarring every alcoholic with the same brush is a little like saying don't date redheads.?

If all recovering alcoholics were like you or me it would be fine

Cyndi, I think, if he's the perfect guy, but you're not ready, then maybe he's not the perfect guy?

Maybe he'll be around when you are ready or maybe you'll find someone better - who knows?

D
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Old 05-29-2015, 07:31 AM
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Thanks, ladies! And DD I do agree about only dating AA dudes. It is good to be around "normal" people too. One thing I really dig about dating AA guys is they tend to be good talkers. Sitting around a group of strangers 4-5 times a week and talking about the stuff that bothers you is good practice. That being said, you never know what kind of mess you are getting into.

AA Guy and I did do some talking last night and I told him what I was thinking for the most part. He said something akin to what DD said...maybe he is not the guy that will make me want those serious relationship things.

Luckily I don't have to make any big decisions about it right this minute. Sigh.

What's on tap for the weekend?

I play in corporate challenge softball tonight and Sunday if the weather cooperates. Tomorrow I am running a 5k for the husband of my co-worker and then going to Rock Fest in the evening. Other than that, I need to get caught up around my house!

Happy Friday! XOXO
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Old 05-29-2015, 08:58 AM
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Wow. Things fall silent around here and I begin to wonder if the lights should be turned off and then the two of you jump out from behind the couch and yell "Surprise!"

I'm glad to have our trio back.

Okay. Dating advice. (Ahem).

First, Cindy and DD thanks for sharing in such an open manner. Both of you are great writers ... and more refreshingly ... very honest. I found elements in both of your writings with which I could strongly relate.

I didn't date much at all in HS. I was very awkward and not at all comfortable talking to girls. Alas, I can't say HS was much fun.

College. Started dating someone as a freshman who I eventually married right at graduation. Deep down I didn't feel worthy that someone would want to be with me and latched on to what I could. Marrying at 22 was too early for both of us and we ended up divorcing ten years later.

Now I was dropped into the world of dating at 32. A world which I never really experienced or felt comfortable in. Great.

I was shocked to learn that I wasn't a bad catch. Women actually wanted to go out with me. This took some time to accept on my part. I was single without kids and would oscillate between wanting to date and then wanting to just be alone. Back and forth I went. There were relationships with great women that just didn't work out ... largely because of me. I wanted to be around someone, but I didn't want to commit. I felt bad at times for even dating someone who wanted more when I just wasn't ready. That's why I kept flip flopping between dating and not dating.

Eventually, I met my current wife at a singles dance. The timing was right for both of us and things grew in a natural manner. I truly believe that there are a number of Mr./Ms. Rights out there. Timing is everything.

If anything, I wish I would have spent more time working on me. I often fell into the trap of doing what I thought others wanted me to do. If I could go back, I would be a little more selfish. Not in a mean way, but in a confident way. Does that make sense?

It's great to have the band back together.

Rock on Tobers!
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Old 05-29-2015, 02:48 PM
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Let me be clear, I didn't say don't date AA guys. I just meant I wouldn't date AA guys exclusively. I agree that a person who is truly in recovery and has done the work and the introspection and the communication that is required to stay sober for years, is probably one of the best catches you can get out there! I was just saying that if I were in Cindy's shoes, I would proceed with caution.
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Old 05-29-2015, 02:57 PM
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Whodey, you said "If I could go back, I would be a little more selfish. Not in a mean way, but in a confident way."

I 100 percent know what you mean and I am trying to hone that skill in myself. I have been a pretty codependent person for most of my life, with low self esteem. I have resented others for not appreciating my "caretaking". I don't want to do that anymore. I want to come at life in a self-confident, self-nurturing manner and when I achieve that, I think I will have more to give to others and that giving will be coming from my genuine, healthy self, not my fearful, insecure, "give to get" self.
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Old 06-01-2015, 05:55 AM
  # 158 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by DoubleDragons View Post
I have resented others for not appreciating my "caretaking".
This is something that I've become painfully aware of myself. Most recently in dealing with my two teenagers ... most notably my son. I'm learning that sometimes I need to step back and not take his apparent lack of appreciation personal. Part of that is me taking the time to invest in myself.
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Old 06-01-2015, 06:00 AM
  # 159 (permalink)  
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gotcha, DD

D
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Old 06-04-2015, 07:30 AM
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WD - I do agree with you on there being a number of Mr./Mrs. Rights out there for each person and that timing really is everything. What you said about wishing you had taken more time to work on you hits home with me. I just don't want to miss out on that opportunity.

DD - I have a tendency towards codependency myself and for me it is also tied to low self esteem (I see a trend here!). I have definitely been working on that lately. The biggest thing for me is doing for others and expecting nothing in return. It is a constant practice and retraining of my thought processes to be true to that idea but I have noticed that I am a lot less resentful. I don't feel "wronged" or unappreciated nearly as often when I have no expectations. It is really quite freeing.

Dudes...I am feeling stressed out! There is so much going on activity-wise for both of the kids and I but the biggest thing is that my grandma is not doing well. She has COPD and has been on hospice for a few weeks now. Last Friday she was found unresponsive in her apartment. She had somehow taken off her O2 and must have passed out before she could get it back on. We do not know how long she was without it but it took several hours for her to come back around. She has continued to make cognitive progress daily but her lungs are worse than ever. She and I are really close, always have been. I named my middle daughter after her and they have a really special bond as well. I have been trying to get over to see her on a daily basis and take pictures where I can. It is so hard to watch her struggle to breathe. I don't want her to suffer yet I am not ready for her to go. Losing her will break my heart. Sigh. And so that is all about me (isn't everything? :P) but I know she is ready to go and she has lived a long full life.

We have had lots of storms lately and I love it! Matches my mood.

How are you all?? What's crackin? Big weekend plans?

XOXO

Cyn
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