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Class of October 2013 - Part 14

Old 12-11-2015, 10:01 AM
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Cindy ... I'm happy to hear of the positive turn of events with your daughter, but saddened to learn of how things are with your ex right now. That's tough on the kids. If he does need time alone, hopefully he'll use it to work on whatever it is that is keeping him from being able to parent right now.

As Dee said, I'm very happy that the kids have you. You can't control what others choose to do, but you can control yourself. Let those kids know how much they're loved!

Good luck with the shopping Tobers. I'm a size large if anyone is wondering!
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Old 12-14-2015, 11:34 AM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Thats really appalling behaviour IMO, C, but I'm glad the kids have you

D
Thanks, D. I am trying to treat him as I would any other sick person; with patience and understanding. It's not easy!
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Old 12-14-2015, 11:35 AM
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Originally Posted by WhoDey View Post
Cindy ... I'm happy to hear of the positive turn of events with your daughter, but saddened to learn of how things are with your ex right now. That's tough on the kids. If he does need time alone, hopefully he'll use it to work on whatever it is that is keeping him from being able to parent right now.

As Dee said, I'm very happy that the kids have you. You can't control what others choose to do, but you can control yourself. Let those kids know how much they're loved!

Good luck with the shopping Tobers. I'm a size large if anyone is wondering!
I am loving all over them as much as possible. Things are settling now and I think they are okay with it for the moment. I hope their dad comes around and sees the error of his ways, but I am thinking that might be a Christmas miracle. LOL

Hope you all are well!!
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Old 12-15-2015, 06:10 AM
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Cindy, I can't help but wonder if your ex husband has narcissistic tendencies. Once kids (or anyone in an N's life for that matter) stop fulfilling an N's needs, they no longer have use for them. What he is doing seems like a passive aggressive move to control and manipulate them. TG that they have you and strong enough personalities to see that what their father is doing is wrong.

I am so happy that you reunited with your daughter. In my experience with my teenagers, they go through a very strong independent phase to show you that they are separate from you, and when they sense your acceptance of that, they feel safe enough to return to you.

Glad to see that the Tobers forum is still going strong. We had my husband's company Christmas party over the weekend. We had a great time. It didn't even cross my mind to drink. I was looking at my old journals and I just laughed at how worried and stressed I was about not drinking at this party in 2013. It is so good to be past that hurdle.
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Old 12-17-2015, 09:20 AM
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Originally Posted by DoubleDragons View Post
Cindy, I can't help but wonder if your ex husband has narcissistic tendencies. Once kids (or anyone in an N's life for that matter) stop fulfilling an N's needs, they no longer have use for them. What he is doing seems like a passive aggressive move to control and manipulate them. TG that they have you and strong enough personalities to see that what their father is doing is wrong.

I am so happy that you reunited with your daughter. In my experience with my teenagers, they go through a very strong independent phase to show you that they are separate from you, and when they sense your acceptance of that, they feel safe enough to return to you.

Glad to see that the Tobers forum is still going strong. We had my husband's company Christmas party over the weekend. We had a great time. It didn't even cross my mind to drink. I was looking at my old journals and I just laughed at how worried and stressed I was about not drinking at this party in 2013. It is so good to be past that hurdle.
He definitely has narcissistic tendencies. The only way to prove your love to him is by putting up with his terrible treatment of you. If you stick it out then you are rewarded by his attention in small doses from time to time. I couldn't do it anymore so I got out. My kids are not as lucky. I found the below list in an article on psychologytoday.com. I can give everyday and extreme examples of almost all of them in regards to each kid (and myself). I don't think there is any "coming around" for this type of thing. It is just who he is and I am trying to just be there for my kids as they have to deal with it. I know he loves them. And they love him. But he will never get help. That would mean admitting fault or that he is less than perfect and that just won't happen.

Here are some signs that your dad had narcissistic tendencies or was an out-right narcissist.

Dad was self-centered and pretty vain. He had an inflated sense of self-importance that led him to believe he was superior and entitled to only the best.

Dad used people for his own good. He would take advantage of others, to the point of exploiting them when it suited him. Everybody seemed to cater to him, or at least he expected them to.

Dad was charismatic. Everyone wanted to be around him and he relished admiration from others. He loved being in the spotlight and the positive reinforcement that came from being the center of attention.

No one had an imagination like Dad. Grandiosity is alluring, and so were his fantasies of success, prestige, and brilliance. He would often exaggerate his achievements, and his ambitions and goals bordered on unrealistic.

Dad didnít take criticism well. Nothing stung him like criticism; he often cut those people out of his life, or tried to hurt them.

Dadís rage was truly scary. Some people get mad and yell a lot. Dad could hurt you with his anger. It cut to the bone.

Dad could be aloof and unsympathetic. Narcissists often have a hard time experiencing empathy; they often disregard and invalidate how others feel. Of course, he was exquisitely sensitive to what he felt, but others were of no mind.

Dad wasnít around a lot. He got a lot of gratification outside the family. Other fathers hung out with their families a lot more. Plus, he craved excitement and seemed to be more concerned by what others thought of him, rather then how his own kids felt about him.

Dad did what he wanted when dealing with you. Narcissists donít step into someone elseís shoes very often. He did things with you that he enjoyed; maybe you did as well.

Dad wanted you to look great to his friends and colleagues. You were most important to him when he could brag about you; sad but true.

You couldnít really get what you needed from him. Even if Dad provided on a material level, you felt deprived on a more subtle level. For example, you wanted his attention and affection, but would only get it sporadically, and only when it worked for him.

When you go through these traits, some may hit home; while others may not be relevant. Some may ring as very true; while others as less so. This is why narcissitic traits are not synonomous with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
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Old 12-17-2015, 09:29 AM
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DD - glad to hear the company party was easy peasy this time. I find it so interesting to look back and compare where I was to where I am today. It gives me hope when I don't feel like much has changed. When in fact, everything has changed...and I am so thankful it has. On my two year sober anniversary my Facebook post read:

Two Years and the only thing that has changed: EVERYTHING!

Miss you all...
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Old 12-18-2015, 09:50 AM
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I wanted to wish everyone a happy holiday season. After today I'll be off for a week and I'm looking forward to the down time. Our family is headed to Arizona to visit my mom which should be fun.

Take care everyone!
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Old 12-20-2015, 10:00 PM
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Have a fun trip, WD!

DD - what are you guys doing for Christmas?

My mom is coming into town and we'll go to my brother's on Christmas for dinner but other than that, staying in town and hanging out with the kids.

Hope you all are doing well!
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Old 12-20-2015, 10:13 PM
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Happy Holidays to all you guys

D
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Old 12-21-2015, 04:52 AM
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Hi, all. Cindy, every one of those tendencies apply to my parents. I was told a long time ago by a therapist that they were very likely narcissists. Unfortunately, that fostered a lot of codependent tendencies in myself that now in my mid-forties, I am only starting to untangle. I think your kids have an advantage in that they have you in their life to validate that what he does is wrong and sick. As we all know, you cannot change somebody else, but you can change yourself. My middle son has a lot of "people pleasing" tendencies that I am working very hard to get him to recognize and change at an earlier age than me as I am at still working on this problem.

We, too, are staying around for Christmas. My parents are coming to my house which just feels better. They will be sleeping at a hotel, which they prefer. Last year, when we went to their house it was a major fiasco as my mom was in one of her worst drunks. I am not going to lie, I am feeling a little PTSD this year and it has taken me longer to get into the "spirit", but that is okay. I have been working on self nurturance and hope to continue that into the new year.

My best to you all!!! xo
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Old 12-22-2015, 09:22 AM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Happy Holidays to all you guys

D
Back at ya, Dee!! Merry Christmas!
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Old 12-24-2015, 09:24 AM
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Merry Christmas, Tobers!!
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Old 12-24-2015, 12:35 PM
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You too DD - have a great day everyone

D
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Old 12-24-2015, 09:15 PM
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Merry Christmas to you too! Thank you for giving me the best gift of all - my sobriety! XOXO
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Old 01-03-2016, 10:26 AM
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Happy New Year, Tobers! I am feeling really good about 2016. I feel like the hardest work of recovery from both drinking and codependency is behind me and now it is about maintaining my peacefulness. Love to you all and all whom you love!!
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Old 01-03-2016, 08:06 PM
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I hope 2016 is great for you all

D
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Old 01-04-2016, 08:40 AM
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Happy New Year, friends! I hope it is another year of growth and happiness for all of us.

XOXO
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Old 01-13-2016, 05:28 AM
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Dear Tobers (and Dee and Soberwolf), I have decided to take a break from SR. I want to say thank you all so much for your wisdom, experiences, guidance which has in turn, helped me to save my precious life. I no longer drink alcohol, nor do I have the desire to do it. I have come to terms with my codependency and every day I remind myself that I am in charge of one life . . . mine. I have an entire notebook full of sage advice that I mostly received from SR members and I use it like a devotional every single day.

I know that I have a fountain of wisdom and a great resource here at SR should I need to return. I have tried to give back on the forum as well, but right now I find myself triggering too much and creating problems in my life that are non-existent by "spongily" taking on others' problems. My goal for 2016 is simplicity, mindfulness and no worry and so I need to remove as many worry triggers as possible.

I just didn't want to be one of those mystery SR people who drop off and everyone wonders about (at least I do). I can happily say that I am an SR success story and I thank God for this site and its members every single day.

Much love, prayers and good juju being sent to you all from me ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Old 01-13-2016, 01:21 PM
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Wishing you the best DD - and selfishly, I will miss you and your contributions, but I understand

take care - and remember the door is always open for a drop in or whatever

D
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Old 01-14-2016, 09:32 AM
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I will miss you, my sober sister!! Come back any time!! XOXOXO
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