Babs1234

(((V))) take care of yourself.
Have a great day everyone===doing ok and taking off for the day.
got together with a co worker last night. She drank wine and I had ice water and
a virgin bloody mary---she was just fine with that and so was I.
take care
hugs to all of you
Babs

Gilmer

That's excellent, Babs.

V, I'm very sorry about your dad. I am praying for you all!

1Dayatatyme

Wehav: This is fun, as you share your wedding plans, I get to experience your happiness and excitement right along with you... so many good wishes go out to you and your partner...keep posting.

Venus and Gilmer: Also, I get to learn through your posts, how challenging it is to remain emotionally centered when one of us is dealing with an aging parent...I have so much compassion for you. I have an aunt who sometimes goes up and down in her health, and it did present a challenge for the birthday celebrations last week-end (she did cancel her trip from out of state), but she is on the mend and rescheduling her trip. It is a testament to your caring natures to stay strong as you support your dads. Now I see that it is the roller coaster part that can be so trying... it is not a steady decline, in many cases?
I am learning a lot about life.
Sending much love to you all.

Saskia

1Day, yes, you've got it. The roller coaster part is especially hard. When it's down we start feeling sad and trying to reconcile with the end ; when it's up, although there is relief, after a few cycles we learn what to expect. Uncertainty is so hard for many of us to deal with and this is uncertainty quadrupled. Then after awhile there are the guilt feelings of wishing it were over and getting worn out by the more and more frequent ups and downs. That's one of the reasons I made the choice I did to move to a retirement community. My mother wasn't generally hard to care for but the up/down cycles were pure h*ll. the guilt feelings are also really tough.

1Dayatatyme

Sass: I could see where as an alcoholic/addict this type of emotional upheaval could be very triggering, if a person did not have the right support and a commitment to recovery.
I really do not want to put my children through this... I did not experience this with my parents.... my mom died suddenly, fairly young, and then my dad was married to my stepmom, who was younger, when I lived in Montana, and she cared for him at the end, and I think she must of kept a lot to herself.

BuddinK

Hi All,

I've got a decision to make and to not a lot of time to make it.

My brother called me today, a bowling center where he is helping out until he goe back to Jakarta is looking for a new mechanic.

He says I wouldn't have to deal with the front side of the center, so that means no crybabies whether they are 4 or 45.

I'd also get to see my brother more often, seeing last time, was the first in 7 years.

I'm not sure what the pay scale is, but I can stay at his house till I get on my feet.

I came here for the weather and outdoor year round activities, but I never get to do the and I don't see any real relief in sight

I just dont know how well I could handle Utah.

Any advice ?

Saskia

Budd, that's a hard one to answer! You might try to take a sheet of paper and split it into 4 squares as follows:

Advantages of staying
Disadvantages of staying
Advantages of moving to Utah
Disadvantages of moving to Utah

Then take at least a couple of days to fill out the above. We typically come up with more stuff over a bit of time. By the time you finish that, the answer may be quite clear. If it's not, can you schedule a trip to Utah to check it out?

Do some web surfing, too!

Good luck!

digdug

Hey Ken,

A lot of your posts over the past couple of years have been about how much your job drives you crazy. I don't know if you're just venting (because every job will drive you crazy at some point) or if it's really getting to you.

Life is way too short to spend hours each day being miserable/frustrated.

I'm faced with a similar situation, albeit not so time sensitive. I have to decide whether to move out to LA next year with my girlfriend. The mere thought is scary. But I have to have faith that as long as I stay sober and work my program, that things will work out ok. So even though I've only lived in one metropolitan area my entire life, I'm going for it. My thought is, if it doesn't work out the way I expected, I can always move back to the east coast.

Major life changes are not recommended in early sobriety, but you're past that point. You had such a good time at your brother's ceremony. It might be good for you to rekindle that family connection.

Also, I don't know where in Utah the job opportunity is, but I was in the Salt Lake area back in December and had a good time. It's very laid back there. Alcohol isn't in your face like it is here in Philly and I can only assume the never-ending party that is Key West. And cost of living was cheap has hell there.

Here's a picture I took in Provo, UT.


IMG_0112.jpg

Dee74

I think Saskia's on the money here Ken.

I was sure I'd never leave the beach, but I did and it's been great.

Search your heart
I hope whatever you decide it turns out as great for you, Bud.

D

Duffster

Ah Budd...I'm with DD on this. I'm not sure you're so thrilled with your job all the time and I know that dealing with the customers can be taxing on you. I guess what I would do is try it. You can always move back. With this much sobriety under your belt maybe a change would be nice.

Sass has some great advice, I'm big on writing out pros & cons.

That said, if it were me, I'd go for it. Keep us posted!!!!!!

Saskia

Dee, glad that has worked out for you. I moved to the beach and am loving it here. I'm learning to be more laid back and am trying to stop belly-aching when something I can't control doesn't go the way I want. In spite of the alcohol use here, I went into this firmly committed. With only one bad spell of craving which I got help with here, it hasn't been hard at all. People don't bug me and I suspect that the firm "No thanks, i don't drink" line has been clear and unwavering enough that nobody has ever pushed me about it or questioned it.

1Dayatatyme

Sass and Budd: I just gave this exact advice within the last hour or two on an entirely different thread (had no idea you were doing the same here, Sass)... it is just such a great way for me to get off of the hamster wheel when making an important, and often, an emotional decision. The key is to list the pros and cons of both
situations... it brings to light so much more usable information, if you are diligent about writing your thoughts over a several day span.
Otherwise, Budd, you are a sober, mature adult and I believe you are capable of making the best decision for yourself with the information available.

trachemys

Well Budd, it's probably the soberest state in the union. As far as outdoor activities, they've got them out the wazoo but, you'll need a coat. And probably skis.

As I get older, I find myself wanting to see family more often. And I only live an hour and a half from mine.

You've got a good head on your shoulders. Let us know.

Marcher13

Good morning Marchers from a grey Paradise where we are having a day off.

Ken my initial reaction to your brother's proposal was "go!" It sounded great to be able to do just the mechanical work which you prefer I believe and it would perhaps be good to make a change? I wonder about the weather in Utah? I know you like me like the warmer weather, could you cope with the winter time? Like Sass suggested weigh it all up with pros and cons.

V I am glad that your Dad is doing better, dehydration has an appalling effect on the elderly and can bring up huge issues. With both Mr Marcher and Mum I have trained myself to detach a bit when the big health issues strike. I don't mean that I don't care, far from it, but I have learned that there will be enormous troughs and peaks sorting out health issues. When these things happen I am there caring for them, advocating for them but I am learning to "save myself" a bit by not riding all of the emotional wave that comes with these times. I don't know if that makes any sense at all or if I come off sounding cold and hard but that's the best way I can word it.

Have a good day all.

Saskia

Marcher, I think the approach you use is a good one for those who can do it. I did find that several years was tough for me.

tootsl1

V hugs for you and your family.

Budd, the thing Sass suggests? Hubby and I use it whenever we have made a big decision, including all our moves. It really helps to focus the mind and prioritise the importance of the pros and cons on your list.

Happy Easter Weekend all x

Gilmer

I like the pro and con approach too, Budd. Getting away from the public plus having good times with your brothers are strong pros. My next-door neighbor growing up moved to Utah as an adult and loved every second of it. He is totally secular.

Gilmer

1Day, it was a really, really horrible day yesterday with my dad. We went to McD's in the morning, as usual. We came home. I had lunch plans. Just as I was headed up to get my shower, he came out very concerned and said, "I have no food!"

I drop him off to do his grocery shopping every week after McD's. Immediately I felt defensive and told him I'd cook something for him, and that I couldn't go then, but I'd go tomorrow. He got a downtrodden sound to his voice as if I was neglecting him and said, "I have no milk." I told him I'd give him some, and to get me his empty milk carton. He couldn't figure out what I was talking about, and I got more and more frustrated--then I screamed, "Shut up, Dad!" and ran out of the room.

We quickly hugged and made up and I apologized; but I'm afraid I might have triggered another mini-stroke. He asked me if I have anybody to stay with upstairs, and what town I lived in.

This morning I snuck down to get out early to go to McD's by myself first, because I needed the freedom to get solace from SR for the full 2 hours. (I'll come back later with him. He gets very bored sitting for longer than an hour).

As soon as I turned on the hall light at 4am, I heard a knocking on the front door. I was startled, but I went over and saw that it was my dad! He had been out on the porch all night! He said he was supposed to go with his pals (from 50 years ago) out on a boat, but they must have left without him.

I told him to go warm up and go back to sleep--we'd go to McDonalds in a couple hours. He had locked himself out of the house!

The difficulty and anxiety increase exponentially when elderly dementia patients start wandering!

I thought I was tense yesterday!

I saw my visiting nurse friend last night at Community Group. She and her husband had just taken me and my husband out to dinner on Tuesday. She commented on what a difference there was in my body language between then and now. She urged me to hire someone for a couple of hours twice a week to hang out with him and take him places he wants to go. The price was surprisingly reasonable ($20/hr. My dad can easily afford that).

She spoke to my husband, too, but he is firmly against the idea of piddling away my dad's money, because we might end up needing to put him into a facility eventually after all.

My family was really helpful yesterday and very supportive. Things could be a lot worse. I guess I'm getting tempered into sterner stuff through all this.

Since my dad has snapped into this new level of dementia, he has been happy and most benevolent in spirit! It would be downright charming if it weren't so alarming and potentially dangerous!

Dee74

I think you're doing an impossible job very well Gilmer

I disagree that $20 an hr is piddling away your dad's money though. I understand his fear, but $20 or even $40 a week is simply not going to eat very much into whatever savings your dad has.

You need a break and I hope your husband will come to realise that.

D

Gilmer

Thank you so much, Dee.