ReadyOrNot123

Mets the Masters was great! I know his family so it was incredible fun to watch him do so well. They are awesome people, even so, he's amazingly poised (I don't know him). I look forward to a lot of match ups between him and Rory.

Hi Soberwolf, nice to see you, hope all is well.

Today was another gorgeous day and the snow at my house is officially gone now, at last. My husband has a job interview on Friday so that is the big doings. I'll be asking for good thoughts from everyone on Friday afternoon.

Hope everyone is doing well.

ReadyOrNot123

Well here we are on another grey, rainy day, but at least it's warmer. I'm tired of paying oil bills.

I'm feeling pretty good today overall. I've lost a couple pounds (how easy it is to put them on, how hard to take off), been doing a lot of walking, and overall hope to get some momentum as I have lots of nice summer clothes that right now are a size and a half too small.

I'm grateful that I didn't succumb to my near miss last week. In truth I didn't get that close in terms of making the decision to go ahead and drink, but I've read here that a relapse starts earlier than you think. So true, in retrospect. I do feel like it was a speed bump though, and I need to remain so, so vigilant. It's like my weight, both work the same - I do well and then I don't. There is no middle ground whatsoever.

Enough for today, back to work with me. At least this is a WFH day and I can listen to my music and get some stuff accomplished.

ReadyOrNot123

Back to a beautiful day out there. I really though this would be the year without a crocus, but they are in full bloom in the front yard and that makes me happy. Spring is really such a wonderful season. The yard needs major work however, so we'll have to get on that (and when I say "we", I mean the other half. I provide the $ and the moral support, and subsequent appreciation.).

It's days like this that make me feel hopeful. Doesn't hurt one bit that I have started to lose those stubborn lbs, down a couple since the chocolate fest that was Easter, not a lot but success is the best motivator for me. Same with drinking, you get that taste out of your mouth for long enough (whatever it is, wine, sweets) for long enough and you forget how much you miss it. I have a similar response to both - no sense of portion control whatsoever, more is better regardless of how much I've already had. Not having any at all is the only answer, for me at least.

Happy Wednesday all.

tornrealization

I'm here and Still sober. Went for a walk with a friend. Work was a bit crazy. I still struggle with doing homework. I want to be done with school so bad. Tomorrow is 7 weeks. I've read a lot about 90-100 days where the brain resets or fixes some of the bad wiring or something, cravings go down etc. I find my cravings are habit driven, and yea, mostly on weekends. I also read plenty of posts here and elsewhere that 90-100 day mark was significant for those who made it. So when cravings get nuts, I think of that. Well I also go to my list, number 1 being memorized. "You ALWAYS black out!" Yep, back to perspective.

Soberwolf

Awesome news Torn

Dee74

7 weeks is huge Torn - congratulations

D

nymets86

Ready, I'm with you on those stubborn pounds. I've managed to get a nice workout routine going, but I have been completely unable to eat healthy stuff. I went three months sober in 2007 and lost about 50 pounds. I don't need to lose that much weight now, but very discouraging that I've cut out the alcohol for over 50 days, but have only lost a few pounds.

Anyway, last few days have been brutal for me from a craving standpoint. I went to the Mets home opener and had zero desire to drink, surprisingly. It was a close game that ended 2-0 and I was just glued to my seat. However, I bumped into someone I hadn't seen in about two years and he was like "we need to catch up soon and grab beers!" I've been trading emails and working on a lunch meeting, where I'll have less desire to drink, but I can't lie and say that I haven't thought about just actually grabbing beers. It's really bothering me how much the social scene in NYC revolves around alcohol. It's just so easy to "meet up and grab beers" since nobody has to worry about driving and bars are a convenient spot to get together.

In addition to the guy from the game, a close friend of mine is changing jobs and moving out of New York City. He also suggested "grabbing beers" after his last day of work next week. I've agreed to go, but already have worked out my plan to say I'm on a diet and will be sticking to club soda. I know this is taking up a ton of my mental energy, but nobody I'm with will actually even care that I'm not drinking.

Soberwolf

Thank you Ready or not

ReadyOrNot123

Hi all. Is it Friday yet??

Things are pretty good with respect to sobriety. I don't feel terribly challenged, as opposed to last week at this time when I was really struggling. A local radio host went into rehab today, he is 63, and I don't want to be him. Good to remind myself of that.

I got home from work and got directly into my pajamas, so I don't anticipate being up for very long.

One day at a time folks.

nymets86

One day at time is right. Really really struggling right now. I got an email from a client at about 4 saying that he wanted to get together to watch the Rangers tonight (copied in a lot of my coworkers). I easily could have just not responded and not gone, but I gave in and decided to drink. So from about 4 to 6 I had mentally gotten ready to drink.

When I got to the bar, I was ready to order a beer and then my coworker got a water. So I just said "I'll have a club soda" and that was that. I stuck out the first period but just was feeling like I was gonna cave, so I left and came home.

Honestly not sure what to make of this. Obviously very happy I didn't drink, but I was about to. And over the weekend I was super close to drinking. It seems almost inevitable now. I have sober plans this weekend that I'm going to stick to, but this party next weekend is just screaming out at me. It's really bothering me....gonna just take it one day at a time.

ReadyOrNot123

Close call Mets. Good job. At the end of the day, you're the one who has to live with himself. So you can get back on the hamster wheel - the one I call SHELF - shame, hopelessness, embarrassment, loathing and fear - whenever you want. It's the affliction we suffer from - faced with SHELF and all manner of other ramifications, we still want to drink. We want to be normal, but we aren't. It's hard to accept. I'm not trying to be preachy, because I came very close last week too. Play the tape forward, all the way through. You might need to learn the lesson again, but I hope not.

Have you considered AA or some other kind of group support? You don't sound like a solitary person, and not drinking seems to be forcing you into a solitary existence. You might enjoy the social aspect of it in order to bridge the gap until you're more comfortable living a sober existence. Just a thought.

At about 2 months in, with much failure behind me, I realize I'm probably not the best person to be doling out advice. But I'm pulling for you.

nymets86

I've thought about SMART. AA wouldn't be for me cuz of the religion thing.

And yeah, you kind of hit the nail on the head with winding up in solitary situations. The thing is, when my drinking was at its worst, I'd usually have used something like tonight to get the ball rolling and then when home, I'd pound vodka. Obviously very happy to be in bed now with the Rangers on TV and following the mets on the mlb app.

the weird thing about today is that I'd been getting better at being 100% sober while watching sports with friends and was really committed to sobriety. I can't really identify why my mindset today was so different and then how I was able to change from getting drunk to just getting a club soda. Had my coworker gotten a beer, I'm pretty sure I would have as well. Sort of just took that one instant for me to play the tape forward and stop myself. Pretty clear that I need a more concrete plan though

tornrealization

Nymets, be careful. Often we hear our relapse starts in our head before we actually drink. From outsider looking in, I worry yours has started in your mind. Use the water order from your coworker that it's ok to go out and not drink. You are already playing the tape, that's great!

Weekend time, I have homework,visit inlaws, hiking!

Soberwolf

nymets86

Thanks torn. That's what it felt like. As though I replaced at 4PM, although I didn't drink.

I spelt OK last night. Benadryl for ,y allergies gives me WEIRD dreams, but whatever. It's a hangover free Friday ,or I g and that's all that matters.

I've decided to focus on the silver lining and think that in just that one night, I stayed sober and know that even when having made the decision to drink, it is possible to change.
I'm still counting days and I think I will continue to do so since not wanting to recount helped me yesterday.

Overall though, and it's a defeatist mindset, but IF I screw up and get drunk again, I feel like I'm definitely, building sober skills and could come right back on here and not "start over," but simply move on and u derstand a set back. I still don't want a set back, but I think I need to game plan for kne as a possibility and not lead to it causing me to leave this board and to stop trying to get sober because I drank l once.

nymets86

Sorry for all the typos. Typed it from my phone! Darn auto corrected.

Calicofish

Hello Fellow Class Mates:

52 days for me. Went through 2 birthday parties (my parents) and there was alcohol everywhere. I drank my club soda and lime and I was not tempted to drink but I did find myself bored and tired. I mean it was wonderful to see my parents celebrate another year of life - for that I am grateful. Anyway - I managed and that's the main thing.

My rehearsals for the upcoming play are going well - I am off script now and I think this is great. I can remember and I can memorize lines.

I had kept a journal last year, and I went back and reread it - wow, I was a mess. It was hard to read. I was hungover every morning - I was miserable, angry, depressed and sick. It was a nightmare.

I can say that right now I am still lonely and I am trying to meet new people and get out there. I guess it just takes time.

Physically, I am getting better. Blood pressure is normal. This morning it is 110/72 (now that's a good enough reason to stay sober). I haven't lost much weight but I think I may be putting on some muscle. I'm still eating far too much chocolate. I know I am doing emotional eating - it helps with the loneliness.

Nymets - I have been reading about your struggle and I'd like to offer a suggestion. I find that saying "one day at a time" doesn't work for me because I have to make that decision every day. It's a huge decision to make every day and it offers me no peace. I've found AVRT to be much easier and more calming. I've made a "small" plan and that is:

I do not drink - I will not drink for one year.

That way I do not have to make that decision every day. Now, when my year comes around I am hoping I will make the BIG plan of I do not drink and will NEVER change my mind. I find having to make a decision every day of will I or won't I drink to be pure torture and just primes me for a relapse (or an excuse).

Anyway - that is what is working for me. If I go out somewhere where alcohol is served and my AV starts up, I recognize it, and say "I don't drink". I don't fantasize about drinking and don't worry about it.

Hope this helps.

CF

ReadyOrNot123

Checking in now that I'm finally home. I worked at the office today which is not typical - I wanted to provide some moral support for my husband who had a big interview. I would love for him to get this job, it is perfect for him and I think the company would be lucky to have him too. But one thing I have learned over the years is that you simply don't know how things will work out. After he was done we checked out the Marathon finish line which is freshly painted, there are tourists everywhere and the weather is nice -- all in all a good day, but quite long.

Calico, good report from you. I don't keep a journal because I'm terrified that someone will find it and read it after I die. I do / don't do a lot of things for stupid reasons like that. Why should I care - I'll be dead -- but I do care. But I wish I did, because that would be illuminating, to say the very least. What's the play? I don't recall if you said previously.

Soberwolf, how are you doing? Thanks for checking in!

Torn, good luck with the homework, I don't envy that. The hiking sounds good though.

Mets, have you been to any AA meetings? I am not religious, at all. I don't think those meetings are over the top - lots of references to the higher power and all that, but really, you can ignore it. I'm thinking of the social part of it - people are mostly nice, and some of the topics are very thought provoking. I used to go regularly, and I thought that there were a lot of themes that everyone, not just alcoholics, should live by. Why haven't I gotten back? Well, some of the people can get on your very last nerve, and I'm not a big enough person to just let it go. Eventually I drifted away, but it had little to do with religion. There were definitely some meetings I hated and some I liked a lot, so if you decide to give it a try, remember that there are tons of options.

I'm looking forward to a good sober weekend, hope the same for all of you. Until tomorrow...

nymets86

Good luck to your husband Ready!

And no, I've never been to AA. I just find it would be such a massive distraction for me. I don't have a problem with religious people, but I just stay out of those conversations and I kind of roll my eyes at mentions of a higher power. On here, I can obviously choose not to participate in those threads and just kind of gloss over it in posts. I guess maybe that's not a great reason, but it's definitely something that's stopping me from going. I know there are no shortage of meetings in New York City and even with a crammed schedule, I can find time. For the time being, I'm just using this site and my therapist.

I'm happy to report that tonight I didn't have any cravings and have put a lot of thought over what happened yesterday. While I can't really figure out exactly why I decided to drink and stopped myself at the last moment, I do know that it is possible to stop once I've sort of set my mind on it. I don't recall that ever happening before and I know there were times when I felt like I shouldn't drink, but I'd sort of go into autopilot and get ready for everything to drink.

Happy sober weekend everybody

tornrealization

Calicofish - I kinda am running a version of your idea already for my situation. I know to urge surf, play the tape, the standard things to do when an urge hits. I remember that I black out and often that's enough. Cravings pass. I also when I walk at lunch drinking comes up in my mind. Before I argue with myself too long I say - Look here! I deserve a sober year, this body can handle a sober year. Let's see what happens in a year. You drank so many why not try just a year? Then decide again.

NYMets, that's great news about not having cravings. I'm glad you're concentrating on the silver lining. IT was a battle won that day.

ReadyorNot, I've been to few AA meetings. I feel lost and going through the motions. Out of place, like I should've studied first. I'm not religious either. That's a whole nother ball of wax and stuggle - what is the meaning of life? I'm giving up on figuring that out - for now - it's on a huge pause because thinking about it = lots of stress and angst.

Anyways back to AA meetings, I did get out of it reminders of why I quit drinking hearing other people's stories. I got tips and tricks for situations other people have shared. I got a sense of relief that even though we all know we are alcoholics and even on this board - I find hearing some of the same thought patterns, processes are the same from people face to face means - well they got sober, why not me?

I'm not in AA or actively in it and I'm glad it works for a lot of people. I keep it in the back of my mind for now.