Class of February 2015 Part 2
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 984
Sugar 77, I'm doing very well with respects to sobriety. Very nice being around family and not alone in my apartment.
I've been doing a lot of thinking and anxiety is really ramping up right now. I have to go back to New York at some point and I'm still just mortified about seeing my neighbor and/or building staff that got an ambulance for me last week. I know that the guy that works the overnight shift Wednesdays also works Sundays.
My hope is that it was just this building staff guy and I can just thank him for trying to help me in that state. And then maybe just ask if any neighbors saw.
There's a lot of families with young kids in my building and I'm just terrified that they saw and will want me gone. Again, I own my place, so I can't be evicted, but it's a condo and I'm sure the condo board could try to get me to move. I dunno, it's all just swirling in my head.
Even if it was a neighbor and I found out who, it's possible that they are simply concerned about my well being vs mad that I caused a ruckus. My building is pretty well sound proofed except for the doors to the hall, so you can hear what's going on in the hallway. (I live next to a family with a baby and young kids and have NEVER heard more than the faint sound of a bouncing ball or feet running. You simply can't hear screaming kids, loud TV, anything.)
I know I'm rambling, but I'm just really scared now. Being out of town not only got me away from drinking temptations, but also from dealing with what happened last week where I got so hammered that I had to go to the hospital.
The financial part will suck, but I can easily afford it, so I'm not all that worried about the coming ambulance and hospital bills. I've embarrassingly just gone through this last October. It's really just this massive embarassment/guilt/shame/self-loathing that comes with what happened and worried about dealing with the people who saw it.
All I know now is a friend who had maybe two beers that night said that he took me home in a cab and that he helped me to the elevator and that he saw a building staff member (doorman). I actually wish my friend had been there when the ambulance/EMTs came as I could ask him about what transpired after I got upstairs.
Good thing is that I have no desire to drink today.
I've been doing a lot of thinking and anxiety is really ramping up right now. I have to go back to New York at some point and I'm still just mortified about seeing my neighbor and/or building staff that got an ambulance for me last week. I know that the guy that works the overnight shift Wednesdays also works Sundays.
My hope is that it was just this building staff guy and I can just thank him for trying to help me in that state. And then maybe just ask if any neighbors saw.
There's a lot of families with young kids in my building and I'm just terrified that they saw and will want me gone. Again, I own my place, so I can't be evicted, but it's a condo and I'm sure the condo board could try to get me to move. I dunno, it's all just swirling in my head.
Even if it was a neighbor and I found out who, it's possible that they are simply concerned about my well being vs mad that I caused a ruckus. My building is pretty well sound proofed except for the doors to the hall, so you can hear what's going on in the hallway. (I live next to a family with a baby and young kids and have NEVER heard more than the faint sound of a bouncing ball or feet running. You simply can't hear screaming kids, loud TV, anything.)
I know I'm rambling, but I'm just really scared now. Being out of town not only got me away from drinking temptations, but also from dealing with what happened last week where I got so hammered that I had to go to the hospital.
The financial part will suck, but I can easily afford it, so I'm not all that worried about the coming ambulance and hospital bills. I've embarrassingly just gone through this last October. It's really just this massive embarassment/guilt/shame/self-loathing that comes with what happened and worried about dealing with the people who saw it.
All I know now is a friend who had maybe two beers that night said that he took me home in a cab and that he helped me to the elevator and that he saw a building staff member (doorman). I actually wish my friend had been there when the ambulance/EMTs came as I could ask him about what transpired after I got upstairs.
Good thing is that I have no desire to drink today.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 514
Nymets, please don't worry. I'm sure there is a desire to help/support in most people and if anyone does want to talk about what happened they'll appreciate that you are trying to turn everything around.
Boylan, firstly - welcome. Secondly, you didn't waste that time on the computer. You were resting, which you will need to do. Rest as much as you can.
Nearly at the end of day 21 and no urge to drink. We're not getting a puppy now. We're getting a rescue dog, a 2 year old Jack Russell bitch who is adorable. We yet need to sort out a fence and Ginny can come home :-D
Boylan, firstly - welcome. Secondly, you didn't waste that time on the computer. You were resting, which you will need to do. Rest as much as you can.
Nearly at the end of day 21 and no urge to drink. We're not getting a puppy now. We're getting a rescue dog, a 2 year old Jack Russell bitch who is adorable. We yet need to sort out a fence and Ginny can come home :-D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,467
Hi everyone, day 24 here, can relate nymets one of the worst parts of drinking for me was the blackouts that came with it and then the piecing information together from people who might have seen me in that blackout. The paranoia fuelled my anxiety and with my alcoholic brain I'd drink to ease my nerves and create more havoc and blackouts etc. I think we magnify everything in the aftermath of these events and Im sure things will be ok for you and people will move on from it even if they did see you (most probably didn't). Hope it all works out and its so good that you have no desire to drink.
I got to early AA meeting and it went well, got asked on Thursday nights meeting to do a first share tonight at a meeting out of town, I didn't agree or refuse but told them Id let them know either way, now Im only very early into my sobriety so although I don't mind sharing at meetings I think a first share is too soon for me so I texted the number of the person who asked me to say this and apologise. Im also full of cold again and don't feel well enough to attend.
After no reply I realised that the guy who asked me whose number I thought I had wasn't his! He's got the same name as another member whose number I got about 2years ago and he's sadly died since. Feel guilty for this and guilty for not being able to contact the guy to let him know, but Im sure I'll see him in a meeting someday soon to apologise. It sounds like nothing but things like this causes me anxiety and stress- wish I wasn't such a worrier! And wish I could just say no to people in the first place and not worry about letting them down, people pleasing is a major problem for me...
Oh well still sober if not entirely sane yet!
I got to early AA meeting and it went well, got asked on Thursday nights meeting to do a first share tonight at a meeting out of town, I didn't agree or refuse but told them Id let them know either way, now Im only very early into my sobriety so although I don't mind sharing at meetings I think a first share is too soon for me so I texted the number of the person who asked me to say this and apologise. Im also full of cold again and don't feel well enough to attend.
After no reply I realised that the guy who asked me whose number I thought I had wasn't his! He's got the same name as another member whose number I got about 2years ago and he's sadly died since. Feel guilty for this and guilty for not being able to contact the guy to let him know, but Im sure I'll see him in a meeting someday soon to apologise. It sounds like nothing but things like this causes me anxiety and stress- wish I wasn't such a worrier! And wish I could just say no to people in the first place and not worry about letting them down, people pleasing is a major problem for me...
Oh well still sober if not entirely sane yet!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 543
Here it is, a nice Sunday, nothing pressing that needs to be done, laundry & other chores finished, had a nice nap, rid myself of all reminders of last weekend's debacle. No urge to drink. Feel physically fine. Plenty to eat. I'm clean, my teeth are brushed and I'm in comfortable clothes.
And I'm very, very sad. It's better than the anxiety, shame and self-loathing, I'll grant you all that. But I'm not crazy about this stage either.
And I'm very, very sad. It's better than the anxiety, shame and self-loathing, I'll grant you all that. But I'm not crazy about this stage either.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Down South
Posts: 709
Glad you changed your mind, redemption.
((((Readyornot123))))
Hope everyone has had a good weekend. Mine has gotten better. It was half a year ago I started on this journey(26 weeks today). A Sunday in August. I had embarrassed myself that Friday night at a party. And I said never again!
Obviously, it didn't take completely or I wouldn't be in this class. But I am happy and grateful for each and every sober day I have had. I am looking forward to continuing on. Drinking isn't an option for me anymore. Onward and upward!
((((Readyornot123))))
Hope everyone has had a good weekend. Mine has gotten better. It was half a year ago I started on this journey(26 weeks today). A Sunday in August. I had embarrassed myself that Friday night at a party. And I said never again!
Obviously, it didn't take completely or I wouldn't be in this class. But I am happy and grateful for each and every sober day I have had. I am looking forward to continuing on. Drinking isn't an option for me anymore. Onward and upward!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 984
Yeah, so I'm now a few hours from potentially finding out more about that blackout last week. It's fueling intense, intense, intense anxiety. I've rationalized it with the fact that had I been doing something truly horrible, the people who found me would have called the cops, not an ambulance (though both have 911 as their number, so I don't know), and they would have had a way to contact me already rather than wait to confront me face to face several days after the fact.
Either way, intense anxiety. All the more reason never to drink again. I've been having a very nice/sober weekend, but my anxiety is causing me to be short with people since I'm so agitated.
Either way, intense anxiety. All the more reason never to drink again. I've been having a very nice/sober weekend, but my anxiety is causing me to be short with people since I'm so agitated.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Hogwarts
Posts: 3,233
Originally Posted by Salgal 
But I am happy and grateful for each and every sober day I have had. I am looking forward to continuing on. Drinking isn't an option for me anymore. Onward and upward!
Nymets. I hope that you find that it isn't as bad as you think. We will be here for you no matter what.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Nymets,
I had a lot of blackout nights. Even if the worst thing you could imagine happened, people really do forget, as unlikely as that may seem right now.
I was the neighbourhood drunk. That guy.
People do not remember that now.
Chances are tho that whatever happened is nowhere as bad as you think
D
I had a lot of blackout nights. Even if the worst thing you could imagine happened, people really do forget, as unlikely as that may seem right now.
I was the neighbourhood drunk. That guy.
People do not remember that now.
Chances are tho that whatever happened is nowhere as bad as you think
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 984
Thanks ChickChick and Dee,
Regardless of what happens, though, I really want to remember how friggin bad it feels right now. I've felt this bad before and never made a permanent change. All too often, I've felt like this for a few days and then slowly but surely learned that I'd not done anything horrible and I use that as an excuse/reason to let myself drink again.
I have to make it stop this time.
Regardless of what happens, though, I really want to remember how friggin bad it feels right now. I've felt this bad before and never made a permanent change. All too often, I've felt like this for a few days and then slowly but surely learned that I'd not done anything horrible and I use that as an excuse/reason to let myself drink again.
I have to make it stop this time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 984
Ugh, so I let my anxiety overtake me and decided to stay at my parents tonight, then commute to NY in the morning (will be an extrodinarily early AM to get to work on time given its not that close). My parents know something is wrong, but I'm an adult, so they're giving me my space and agreed to drive me to the nearest train station (an hour away) well before sunrise to catch a train to NY.
I'm doing this to avoid seeing the guy that works at my building Sunday nights who I think (not sure) was working when I got hospitalized. This anxiety is so irrational. He's an extremely nice person. I'm just terrified about what I'll find out.
I really wish I'd just gone and asked him tonight. Especially since I'd much rather talk to him before finding out from a neighbor (it's a condo, not a co-op, but I'm just horrified that they might try to get me out of the building given the ruckus I might have caused). If it was just the staffer who saw what happened, then I'll be extremely relieved. Ugh
I'm doing this to avoid seeing the guy that works at my building Sunday nights who I think (not sure) was working when I got hospitalized. This anxiety is so irrational. He's an extremely nice person. I'm just terrified about what I'll find out.
I really wish I'd just gone and asked him tonight. Especially since I'd much rather talk to him before finding out from a neighbor (it's a condo, not a co-op, but I'm just horrified that they might try to get me out of the building given the ruckus I might have caused). If it was just the staffer who saw what happened, then I'll be extremely relieved. Ugh
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,776
Nymet.
It's tough hearing you beat yourself up over this. The facts aren't clear and I think you need to take back some control to give yourself some piece of mind.
Find out who it was that found you and thank them for looking after you. If there is trouble coming your way at least you will find out on your terms. Also people generally look favourably on folk who try and help themselves and front up for a mistake.. The only person you were harming was yourself. And it was a blip in the road, nothing more.
I think if the person meant you harm they would have just left you there.
Take control of this storyline and make it work for you. Don't leave it to chance or worry about it. Do something to help yourself...be kind to yourself.
Go well.
It's tough hearing you beat yourself up over this. The facts aren't clear and I think you need to take back some control to give yourself some piece of mind.
Find out who it was that found you and thank them for looking after you. If there is trouble coming your way at least you will find out on your terms. Also people generally look favourably on folk who try and help themselves and front up for a mistake.. The only person you were harming was yourself. And it was a blip in the road, nothing more.
I think if the person meant you harm they would have just left you there.
Take control of this storyline and make it work for you. Don't leave it to chance or worry about it. Do something to help yourself...be kind to yourself.
Go well.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 418
I'm on day 26 so far and am going pretty well. I've only had one really strong temptation to go get some beer and begin the downward spiral into Drunkville (Population Me).
Glad I avoided that and situations where I would have to defecate next to a dumpster and wipe with bubble wrap stolen from said dumpster and drive home without pants on. Ah the joys of alcohol.
Glad I avoided that and situations where I would have to defecate next to a dumpster and wipe with bubble wrap stolen from said dumpster and drive home without pants on. Ah the joys of alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: CA
Posts: 25
Hi everyone. Feb 15 member checking in. I am finishing my first week of Sobriety. I have not been posting on my own thread but visiting SR daily to keep me motivated. This will be my first one full week of sobriety after almost five years. Thank you all for the support and inspiration.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 207
Hi everyone!
Today was day 5 and I'm amazed how much clearer my thoughts are. I had a really rough first 3 days with a lot of anxiety. Today was the first day I really felt relaxed and it surprised me. I got a lot done and also saw the sunset for the first time in forever. It was stunning. I'm not one to be proud of myself but I have to say I'm pretty proud to be at day 5! I didn't think it was possible before and now I'm showing myself it is very possible.
Today was day 5 and I'm amazed how much clearer my thoughts are. I had a really rough first 3 days with a lot of anxiety. Today was the first day I really felt relaxed and it surprised me. I got a lot done and also saw the sunset for the first time in forever. It was stunning. I'm not one to be proud of myself but I have to say I'm pretty proud to be at day 5! I didn't think it was possible before and now I'm showing myself it is very possible.
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