Sugar77

Hello classmates!
Just catching up on reading posts. 4 weeks AF today! Can't believe it really, but it feels great to say it. Really feel i've turned a corner this week. I can totally relate to the deflated feeling after 2 weeks which some of you are at. Hang in there,it does get better! Last week I just felt a bit numb. I wasn't miserable but wasn't happy either.I felt like I was missing something,grieving so to speak. I questioned,is this it? Is this as good as it gets without alcohol? I was questioning everything, couldn't sleep.

I was anxious about a night out, that was on wednesday. It's a monthly comedy club we go to,and I love it! This would be my first without alcohol. Now I was not worried about wanting to drink,I knew I didn't. I was worried i'd feel horribly awkward and not enjoy it. Did I only enjoy it before because I was so tanked up? Everything can be funny when you're drunk!

Anyway, we went, I drove. Started off a little bit tense but had a brilliant night! There were tears, of laughter only! Was home by midnight having a cup of tea before bed,thinking what my night would of went like with alcohol....
Get there an hour before show to get as much drink in as possible....
Panic buy before show starts,must have enough drinks under my chair to get me through to interval....
At interval,stampede over people to get to bar,to buy drinks,panicking again about how to justify the amount of drink I need/want to people in my company. Panic again as bar closes early in that place before acts actually finish.... drink drink drink.

Was I ever really enjoying a night out at all? Doesn't seem like it, the night was consumed by alcohol,how to get it and how to get as much as possible into me without being noticed,stressful!

That's why I didn't have many nights out and nearly all my drinking was done at home, too expensive and I could sneak more in,at home,much easier. Such a relief to be free of that.
I feel this week, I finally get it, what it feels like to be "normal".
The only really uncomfortable bit of my night out was my cousin going on and on about how drunk I was on New years.Laughing about it. Feel like the family joke,another incentive to never drink again.
A hard part of being sober is dealing with other people. I've decided just to say i'm not drinking anymore. I don't feel I have to justify it to anyone.
But I've had everything from "why would you do that to yourself?" "not drink ever again?Don't be so stupid" "why can't you just moderate?" "you'll cave eventually" etc etc
That's frustrating but part of the deal I guess.

I've seen AA mentioned on a few posts, I would love to have an extra something to back me up, even just one group meeting a week. But I tried AA before, I don't believe in god ( I know you can replace that with another "higher power") but rational recovery and avrt really clicked with me so I would have a problem doing the 12 steps, I wouldn't want to do them,as I feel it would contradict the way I think now. So I don't know where I would fit into AA if at all. There are no other secular groups where I am. It's a pity,they sound really great and I think I would benefit from them. I guess I like real human interaction.

I don't post often but when I do,i sure can ramble!
Hang in there Febbies....

nymets86

Sugar 77, I can relate to you a lot.

-When I am out socially, I'm often trying to hide the fact that I'm consuming a ton more than everybody else. Like, if I'm out at dinner, it's always awkward since the waiter comes to the table and usually asks if people want another round. I'll look at everyone's glass and see they've had maybe 1/3rd, while I'm already through mine.
-One of the WORST things is having friends/family bring up how drunk I was at something. They may think it's funny and mean no harm, but my memory (or lack thereof) of the event is decidedly not a positive one.
-Given I'm in my late 20s now and my friends are getting married and calming down, I've wound up drinking alone a lot more. I've unfortunately gotten good at finding the right amount to drink to basically black out and pass out, but not be too hungover to make it in to work.
-AA. I'm not religious at all and feel AA wouldn't work for that reason. I'm looking into some of the secular groups as they do have them here in NYC.

alaina742

Up and down, up and down. Happy then something happens to upset me.

lastchance77

Sugar 77 - thanks for bringing up deflated feeling. I'm glad it's normal. I was starting to worry. I'm at 19 days and was starting to fade until I read your post, so thanks

owington

Late joiner for the class of Feb. 6 days today and just back from a meeting. Kind of lost heart after the last couple as they were over my head but tonights has restored my faith that i'm doing the right thing by attending, even if im not doing the whole steps thing yet.

1stepup

Hi all coming up to the end of day 22, had great day with my daughters, went to cinema and felt pretty relaxed and enjoyed it- noticing feeling more calm around people as the days go by hope this continues as anxiety and nervousness have plagued me in the past.

My dad called in and it was nice to see him when I had my girls, even when he asked me 'so, are you off the drink?', Im not promising my family or friends that I'll never drink again anymore because Ive always failed in the past and just saying Im trying to stay sober a day at a time.

I know my bro-in-law see's it as a lack of willpower and he's baffled and disgusted in how Ive led my life- quite the opposite of him, he advises me to drink a lemonade after a pint etc (yeah right!) but Im trying not to bombard them with alcoholism facts and figures like ive done in the past also. Hoping my actions and behaviour will show them Im changing slowly but surely.

Have a great weekend class.

Sugar77

I can totally relate to this one! Last time I did this was just before christmas,had gone on a night out with my friends,as usual,I got in a horrible state.At around 3am I was lying on my door step,too drunk to get the key in the door. A neighbour came to see was I ok. Apparently he was trying to help me up while I was trying to hug him, mortifying!!! I only know all this because my husband happened to look out the window, he then came down and brought me in. Think this was the same night,he had to stay up all night because after he got me to bed,I passed out and started to vomit while lying on my back. He thought I was going to choke to death. so had to put me on my side and watch me. Classy or what???
Anyway to this day, I hate seeing this neighbour. But no point beating myself up over it, I can't change anything i've done,and either can you. Remember all these awful feelings you have right now will pass, we have all been there. What you do next is what matters most. Remind yourself of how awful you felt today and what will happen if you drink again. Stay close to SR

nymets86

Thanks Sugar. Yeah, I can't undo it and I own my place, so it's not like there's eviction risk.

But it just feels so bad now. Again, I sort of want to thank whoever it was for probably doing the right thing and calling help. I probably didn't need to be hospitalized, but I don't think I left much of a choice for whoever it was. I've been obsessing over it all day and am beginning to think it was a staff member of the building rather than a neighbor, but who knows.

Ugh. Anyway, I left NYC for the weekend. Had to get myself out of that environment. I don't think I was going to drink, but I was going to stay locked in my apartment the whole time to avoid seeing people.

I'm happy no serious damage was done. Just a bruise on my arm and a lost hat (managed not to lose my glasses, phone or wallet). But this is just another wake up call that I can't go through life like this.

Soberwolf

Keep up the good work Februarians

Namaste63

Hello classmates,

The visit with out of state relatives didn't go well. I had a glass of wine and I so regret it. I no longer enjoy the buz. Aggggrrr I am so mad at myself. So I am reseting the 1st day of my sobriety to today. Still very much committed to fighting this demon and perplexed at the lack of will power when offered the wine. I even forgot I was trying not to drink when it was offered. Half way through the glass this forum came to mind but the thought was easily pushed away. This habit of many many years will require a lot of effort to break I am afraid.
Wishing everyone is able to,stay sober.
Good sober evening everyone.

DrunkenDonuts

Day 24 here. Had my first thoughts of "Man, would love to have a beer" since I stopped drinking. It was on Thursday night, and reflecting on this, I know I was already going through the justifications in my mind - Will only be a few beers - Won't get pissed etc. And that's probably all it would have been - on Thursday.

But then on the weekend I would have reasoned that since I was able to drink reasonably on Thursday that I'd be able to do so again. Then after 12 beers or so, my thinking clouded by alcohol, I'd want to get blackout drunk - and I'd go out and buy 3 bottles of rum to make sure I got the job done.

Then I'd drink for 2 days straight and probably miss work when recovering. Whew... That's the cycle...

Anyway, I discovered that having something to eat stopped those thoughts.

The funny thing is that I am on Antabuse and haven't had any episodes where I drink on it. I don't know exactly how bad I would feel, but I was willing to give it a go at the thought of the taste of beer and the imagined feeling of a cold one being guzzled.

Oh well... Glad I didn't drink because the feeling only lasted 15 minutes or so then I got over it.

Hope everyone else is doing well.

lilac0721

Hey, that's sounds a lot like my cycle, but vodka instead of beer.

Nice job discovering that the voice shuts up with food. I will need to remember that.

Esspee

I've realised that I've been doing this BUT I'm eating too much high calorie stuff.

At the start of day 20 so tomorrow will run out of fingers to count my sober days on!

I've been thinking a fair bit (stopped all the feeling guilty stuff, was just dragging me down when I'm finally on the way up) and for the life of me can't work out how I could afford to drink. It was costing me around £80 a week. I must have been cutting back in other areas where I'm not now as I'm definitely not £80 a week better off now. Strange !!

Esspee

I got the job that I went for the interview for just over a week back. I will go for training 9-10 March and then will be starting the job properly.

It's a 12 month contract working from home - no set hours as long as I do the contractual ones per week so I've decided to get myself (and my son) a puppy. I will be at home for most of the day so I will have some company. I will also have an excuse to get out the house and get some exercise every day.

Quite excited now. I've found a litter nearby where the adorable pups will be weaned and available at the end of March so the timescale fits perfectly. Just waiting for a call back to confirm if they are available and when I can go see them.

ulfr

Starting over from today
going to an aa meeting today going to try and keep myself busy
i hope you are having a nice day

Esspee

Well done on grabbing the bull by the horns and going for it

DrunkenDonuts

Even if the food is too calorific, I'd prefer to eat a dodgy snack or meal rather than having a drink. I can't deal with all my problems at once

ReadyOrNot123

Good morning everyone. I can relate to the eating thing, I have always fought with my weight too. I have no "portion control" control - for food or drink.

I feel pretty good today. I know my habits though, and the challenge will be in a few months as I get complacent. So I'm coming back every day! What's funny is that I woke up feeling pretty good but kept feeling like I needed to log on and see how folks were doing, and make my 24 hour pledge.

More snow today, but hopefully I can get out for a little while before being shut in for another couple days. Have a good day everyone!

lilac0721

Congrats, Esspee, on the new job!

I am pretty excited that yesterday I had my first ever DAY 1 ON A FRIDAY!!! I'd always contemplate day 1 on Friday and think, "no, it's Friday, I'll drink tonight and start tomorrow." And typically not start until Monday. Then drink again on the weekend.

So here's to my 3rd day 2 in February - and first SATURDAY day 2 for me ever!!!

ChickChick

Congrats Esspee! You'll have to post pics of your new puppy when you get him/her.

Lilac way to go making yesterday day 1 instead of waiting.

We are working on re-doing our loving room this weenend. I already Can't wait until it is done.