Class of March 2013 Part 38
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Everything's fine at home now, but I am still really deeply jarred on a systemic level. I still feel as though I'm shaking deep down inside, and my head really hurts! Didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Kept waking up after just drifting off. I've gone out in the snow today and done some errands, and now I'm attempting to study--but my mind is having trouble focusing.
I can't even concentrate on SR--so you KNOW something must be radically wrong!
I can't even concentrate on SR--so you KNOW something must be radically wrong!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Rogersville, Tennessee
Posts: 2,659
As year 2 comes to an end, I too am having some troubled thoughts. I was thinking of going out to dinner Sunday to celebrate, but, then I thought, if I mention to the waitress I'm here as a celebration, would the restauarant offer me a celebretory drink, obviously not knowing that my celebration is not drinking?
For me, 1 year was a reason to celebrate, it was a milestone I didn't think I could achieve. While 2 years is definately an accoplishment and I know that there are people everyday wishing they were at their two year mark, for me it has caused me some mixed emotions. Am I happy I've made the 2 year mark? Yes! Do I wish I didn't have to go 2 years? Yes. Do I wish I was a "normie"? Yes.
But the truth is , I'm not a "normie" and I know I never will be, so instead of treating myself for making it, I think I'll just get a higher quality pot pie for the night! And save the celebration for something of a more, purely joyous occasion, (Jezebel's 2nd birthday sounds right).
I had a lot more to write about this earlier, but it all got jumbled up, so I'll end it here for now.
For me, 1 year was a reason to celebrate, it was a milestone I didn't think I could achieve. While 2 years is definately an accoplishment and I know that there are people everyday wishing they were at their two year mark, for me it has caused me some mixed emotions. Am I happy I've made the 2 year mark? Yes! Do I wish I didn't have to go 2 years? Yes. Do I wish I was a "normie"? Yes.
But the truth is , I'm not a "normie" and I know I never will be, so instead of treating myself for making it, I think I'll just get a higher quality pot pie for the night! And save the celebration for something of a more, purely joyous occasion, (Jezebel's 2nd birthday sounds right).
I had a lot more to write about this earlier, but it all got jumbled up, so I'll end it here for now.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
Oh is Marie calendars the mother of all pot pies? 
What an interesting topic that north and toots brought up. North, it just occurred to me that we are indeed in year three now. Huh.
I have definitely gone through times where I was bummed at not being a normie, bummed that I am forever branded an alcoholic. I had a little pity party long ago about being gay and alcoholic, double the fun and social stigma! I'm sure feelings will ebb and flow, but at this point, I'm just happy to be sober. I'm grateful that I'm making progress, evolving as a person not stuck in a "drink, regret, repeat" cycle like north mentioned.
I've had some things really stress me out in the last two years. But everything so far has turned out just fine. Maybe not exactly how I want it, but fine. one thing that really stressed me out was going home and staying sober. Not all my friends and family know the extent of my issues with alcohol. I have not told them all, but I'm willing to of the time is right. With that in mind I have told some. While I was home this Christmas, my sponsor relapsed. My awesome sponsor who got me through the trip home the previous year. I felt like the rug went out under me. 'Cause it's all about me, right?
My sponsor thankfully only drank for 24 hours and has been sober since. But it showed me that it's true- you go back out, baby you gotta start over! That thought just sucks. We still talk and I still love her, but don't know if she's my sponsor anymore. That whole thing freaked me out in Cali. I was so afraid I'd drink. I learned a new distinction though: I was AFRAID of drinking, but I did not WANT to drink. So that was a breakthrough in itself.
I know I don't edit and this is a doozy of a ramble, so I hope it doesn't make anyone crazy with boredom. I know better than to say sorry here. my point, if there is one, is that if we stay sober we make breakthroughs every single day. Some big, some minuscule. Many we don't notice until later.
I don't think of myself as someone who can never drink again. I just know if I do, it will stunt my growth. I'm beginning to like growing every day, I don't want to be that person I was two years ago.
What an interesting topic that north and toots brought up. North, it just occurred to me that we are indeed in year three now. Huh.
I have definitely gone through times where I was bummed at not being a normie, bummed that I am forever branded an alcoholic. I had a little pity party long ago about being gay and alcoholic, double the fun and social stigma! I'm sure feelings will ebb and flow, but at this point, I'm just happy to be sober. I'm grateful that I'm making progress, evolving as a person not stuck in a "drink, regret, repeat" cycle like north mentioned.
I've had some things really stress me out in the last two years. But everything so far has turned out just fine. Maybe not exactly how I want it, but fine.
one thing that really stressed me out was going home and staying sober. Not all my friends and family know the extent of my issues with alcohol. I have not told them all, but I'm willing to of the time is right. With that in mind I have told some. While I was home this Christmas, my sponsor relapsed. My awesome sponsor who got me through the trip home the previous year. I felt like the rug went out under me. 'Cause it's all about me, right? My sponsor thankfully only drank for 24 hours and has been sober since. But it showed me that it's true- you go back out, baby you gotta start over! That thought just sucks. We still talk and I still love her, but don't know if she's my sponsor anymore. That whole thing freaked me out in Cali. I was so afraid I'd drink. I learned a new distinction though: I was AFRAID of drinking, but I did not WANT to drink. So that was a breakthrough in itself.
I know I don't edit and this is a doozy of a ramble, so I hope it doesn't make anyone crazy with boredom. I know better than to say sorry here.
my point, if there is one, is that if we stay sober we make breakthroughs every single day. Some big, some minuscule. Many we don't notice until later. I don't think of myself as someone who can never drink again. I just know if I do, it will stunt my growth. I'm beginning to like growing every day, I don't want to be that person I was two years ago.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,285
We, I agree with Gilmer. If that's a "ramble", we need more of them :-)
I like myself much better sober. I know I cannot pick up again without paying a price I don't want to pay. Do I wish I were a normie? Yep! But I know for sure that I never will be. Once I completely punctured that balloon, the cravings went way down. Acceptance.
I like myself much better sober. I know I cannot pick up again without paying a price I don't want to pay. Do I wish I were a normie? Yep! But I know for sure that I never will be. Once I completely punctured that balloon, the cravings went way down. Acceptance.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,224
Good morning Marchers Oh North that picture! I heard that you poor old northerners had a last hurrah of a snowstorm. This morning it feels like your weather (16C Ken, don't tell them I said that) with wind coming off the alps down south -- it must be cold in your part of the world V.
We I endorse the ramble too, more please. Gilmer I know exactly what you mean about how your head hurts and how you feel, I call it Sudden Stress Syndrome -- it's unusual strain in my life that sets me off.
It's interesting to hear everyone's thoughts about two years. You know I don't worry about not being a "normie" that way anymore because even the normies have their issues, there are things they can't eat or do so it's kind of the same thing.
Have a good sober day peeps.
Oh North that picture! I heard that you poor old northerners had a last hurrah of a snowstorm. This morning it feels like your weather (16C Ken, don't tell them I said that) with wind coming off the alps down south -- it must be cold in your part of the world V.We I endorse the ramble too, more please. Gilmer I know exactly what you mean about how your head hurts and how you feel, I call it Sudden Stress Syndrome -- it's unusual strain in my life that sets me off.
It's interesting to hear everyone's thoughts about two years. You know I don't worry about not being a "normie" that way anymore because even the normies have their issues, there are things they can't eat or do so it's kind of the same thing.
Have a good sober day peeps.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,381
(((Gilmer))) ♥♥
Take care of yourself love...
And yes, it is cold here Marcher, as in winter weather, and I would love it if I had anything to wear. I am going to the Salvos on Tuesday (public holiday here Monday) and they will hopefully give me a clothing voucher for one of their stores so I can get something to put on.
This is an awesome conversation we are having....obviously I am not at two-plus years, but I still have two-plus years of experience to draw on. I believe that the more we grow, the more we have to offer the world, and that kind of thinking is always exciting for me.
So glad you have joined us Calicofish....this is a wonderful group. I got here by following wehav after our original class thread got quiet. There is a great deal of love, compassion and some pretty amazing insights here.
Love to all of you. ♥
Take care of yourself love...
And yes, it is cold here Marcher, as in winter weather, and I would love it if I had anything to wear. I am going to the Salvos on Tuesday (public holiday here Monday) and they will hopefully give me a clothing voucher for one of their stores so I can get something to put on.
This is an awesome conversation we are having....obviously I am not at two-plus years, but I still have two-plus years of experience to draw on. I believe that the more we grow, the more we have to offer the world, and that kind of thinking is always exciting for me.
So glad you have joined us Calicofish....this is a wonderful group. I got here by following wehav after our original class thread got quiet. There is a great deal of love, compassion and some pretty amazing insights here.
Love to all of you. ♥
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,381
Originally Posted by Gilmer 
It's so bizarre. The crisis is long over. I don't know what to ask for! I just feel rotten. It might take me a few days to come around.
It does take time for us to heal.
Please be patient with yourself, and believe that you will be OK. You will be.
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
Gilmer, get your blood sugar checked. That was a suggestion, not advice.
Budd: Grands!® Mini Chicken Pot Pies recipe from Pillsbury.com
I'm so proud of y'all. Wish I had been here for the duration. I'm here now and that is enough.
Budd: Grands!® Mini Chicken Pot Pies recipe from Pillsbury.com
I'm so proud of y'all. Wish I had been here for the duration. I'm here now and that is enough.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,997
What's going on Gilmer? Stress? We're here to listen. ((Hug))
There is an air of somber and nostalgia. Feels like a time to reflect to me. Where I was, where I am, how I got here. I'm not to concerned about what's next. I'll let life handle that one for me.
Certain ages do that too I think Toots. I went through a period of "is this all there is?" Nothing to do with drinking or not drinking. Just felt like I was in the middle of reinventing myself but I wasn't sure what it would be or if I even had the energy to do it. Then it kind of took care of itself and I eased in to this mellow period I'm now in.
I am embracing my introverted side. But, Im really looking forward to spring and summer. I'm ready for the sun to not set till 9pm. Taking a nap on my patio with a good book....and getting out. I'm ready to see if I can find my next victim...I mean..next manfriend. At least a date anyway. That sounds like fun to me. A fun date.
Speaking of which. I still talk to him and every now and then stop over and have tea or he stops over and has tea. He's dating his new friend and I could care less. We are just friends so I don't feel bad about anything. It was true. We were always just friends. Fun love affair while that lasted but in the end...just friends. Now I just look at it as a nice lesson in life and I actually learned new things about myself. I can handle truth better than b.s. I am just fine taking a chance and letting things evolve into whatever they evolve or not evolve into. I don't fall apart and I dont even see it as a negative experience. I see it for just what it was. And what it was was nice. And when it ended. That's was okay too.
See Toots. We never stop growing. That alone makes life pretty interesting to me. It took me awhile to see that. Now I look forward to my next lesson.
On a sober note, literally. I don't ever think about being like other people who can have one or two and call it a day. That's not me. That would feel like me spending time wishing I was short. I'm never going to be short. And I'm never going to drink without getting stupid drunk. Those are two facts I'm just fine living with. Along with I'm never going to fit in that thong bikini I had 20 years ago. I don't think about doing things I'd look ridiculous doing. And all of those certainly fall in that category. A hunched over drunk middle aged woman in a bikini. Ridiculous. Hahaha
Later!
xoxo
There is an air of somber and nostalgia. Feels like a time to reflect to me. Where I was, where I am, how I got here. I'm not to concerned about what's next. I'll let life handle that one for me.
Certain ages do that too I think Toots. I went through a period of "is this all there is?" Nothing to do with drinking or not drinking. Just felt like I was in the middle of reinventing myself but I wasn't sure what it would be or if I even had the energy to do it. Then it kind of took care of itself and I eased in to this mellow period I'm now in.
I am embracing my introverted side. But, Im really looking forward to spring and summer. I'm ready for the sun to not set till 9pm. Taking a nap on my patio with a good book....and getting out. I'm ready to see if I can find my next victim...I mean..next manfriend. At least a date anyway. That sounds like fun to me. A fun date.
Speaking of which. I still talk to him and every now and then stop over and have tea or he stops over and has tea. He's dating his new friend and I could care less. We are just friends so I don't feel bad about anything. It was true. We were always just friends. Fun love affair while that lasted but in the end...just friends. Now I just look at it as a nice lesson in life and I actually learned new things about myself. I can handle truth better than b.s. I am just fine taking a chance and letting things evolve into whatever they evolve or not evolve into. I don't fall apart and I dont even see it as a negative experience. I see it for just what it was. And what it was was nice. And when it ended. That's was okay too.
See Toots. We never stop growing. That alone makes life pretty interesting to me. It took me awhile to see that. Now I look forward to my next lesson.
On a sober note, literally. I don't ever think about being like other people who can have one or two and call it a day. That's not me. That would feel like me spending time wishing I was short. I'm never going to be short. And I'm never going to drink without getting stupid drunk. Those are two facts I'm just fine living with. Along with I'm never going to fit in that thong bikini I had 20 years ago. I don't think about doing things I'd look ridiculous doing. And all of those certainly fall in that category. A hunched over drunk middle aged woman in a bikini. Ridiculous. Hahaha
Later!
xoxo
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Probably my living room. Maybe my bedroom if I'm feeling lazy
Posts: 1,085
Hey guys,
Just catching up on everything. I was supposed to be in Memphis this week for business but the trip got postponed until next week because of weather.
I have a different perspective on the whole 2 year thing. I have little control of the sh!t that happens in my life, but the one thing I have control over is my perspective. I AM a normal person. I am a normal person who doesn't drink.
Almost half the US adult population didn't have a drink last year. I think my girlfriend may have had one. I'm not sure. But there are a hell of a lot of people who aren't alcoholics who just don't drink for whatever reason. These people are "normal." And for the first time in my life, so am I. What Toots called "bleak," I call serene. Is this it? I sure hope so. I have lived in chaos, sickness and turmoil my entire life. Was I able to achieve a modicum of success during that time? Yes. But I was fu@king miserable.
When I was drunk nearly 24/7, I used to just shoot out foxhole prayers for a normal life. And it wasn't about material possessions. Everything material I have now, I had then. Same apartment, same job, girlfriend (albeit a different one lol). But what I have now is happiness. I have the ability to be content in my own skin. I can manage the trials and tribulations of life. I can be open and honest with myself and those around me. I have purpose. I get to help people on a daily basis through AA. I get to grow as a person. I get to FEEL again (both good and bad feelings).
To me, my upcoming anniversary is like my new birthday. Both literally and figuratively born again. I celebrate with my family. I celebrate with my AA family.
I am a normal, productive member of society. It's all I ever wanted. I'm not letting it slip out of my grasp. I know AA isn't for everyone. But for me, it has radically shifted the way I view the world and treat other people. I have no more fear. No more regrets. No more reservations. I don't live in the past. I'm not too concerned with the future. I am just happy and grateful today. Things just roll off of me like oil on water.
My girlfriend may be moving to LA a lot sooner than planned. Far sooner than I can get out there myself. Do I feel sad? Of course. It's a natural, human response. But it doesn't eat at me. Things will work out. Maybe not in the way I expect. But I know I'll be ok.
My shift in perspective is the end game for me. It's my reward for living a life that helps people rather that hurt them.
This website is amazing. Dee does a great service by dedicating so much time. It's great to see newcomers make it to 30 days. It sucks when we lose one of our own. But in the end, we're all just anonymous avatars.
Real life is so much more magnified. In the past two years, I've lost close to 10 people because of addiction. But it is so incredibly inspiring to see people who were as close to death as I was walk into the rooms with little to nothing, start collecting chips and turn their lives around so they can help other people too. I get to see the shift in their thinking; the progress they make as human beings. I just gave a 60 day chip to a 19 year old kid yesterday. I smile every time I think about it. So I'm just going to keep on smiling.
Love to all of you!
Just catching up on everything. I was supposed to be in Memphis this week for business but the trip got postponed until next week because of weather.
I have a different perspective on the whole 2 year thing. I have little control of the sh!t that happens in my life, but the one thing I have control over is my perspective. I AM a normal person. I am a normal person who doesn't drink.
Almost half the US adult population didn't have a drink last year. I think my girlfriend may have had one. I'm not sure. But there are a hell of a lot of people who aren't alcoholics who just don't drink for whatever reason. These people are "normal." And for the first time in my life, so am I. What Toots called "bleak," I call serene. Is this it? I sure hope so. I have lived in chaos, sickness and turmoil my entire life. Was I able to achieve a modicum of success during that time? Yes. But I was fu@king miserable.
When I was drunk nearly 24/7, I used to just shoot out foxhole prayers for a normal life. And it wasn't about material possessions. Everything material I have now, I had then. Same apartment, same job, girlfriend (albeit a different one lol). But what I have now is happiness. I have the ability to be content in my own skin. I can manage the trials and tribulations of life. I can be open and honest with myself and those around me. I have purpose. I get to help people on a daily basis through AA. I get to grow as a person. I get to FEEL again (both good and bad feelings).
To me, my upcoming anniversary is like my new birthday. Both literally and figuratively born again. I celebrate with my family. I celebrate with my AA family.
I am a normal, productive member of society. It's all I ever wanted. I'm not letting it slip out of my grasp. I know AA isn't for everyone. But for me, it has radically shifted the way I view the world and treat other people. I have no more fear. No more regrets. No more reservations. I don't live in the past. I'm not too concerned with the future. I am just happy and grateful today. Things just roll off of me like oil on water.
My girlfriend may be moving to LA a lot sooner than planned. Far sooner than I can get out there myself. Do I feel sad? Of course. It's a natural, human response. But it doesn't eat at me. Things will work out. Maybe not in the way I expect. But I know I'll be ok.
My shift in perspective is the end game for me. It's my reward for living a life that helps people rather that hurt them.
This website is amazing. Dee does a great service by dedicating so much time. It's great to see newcomers make it to 30 days. It sucks when we lose one of our own. But in the end, we're all just anonymous avatars.
Real life is so much more magnified. In the past two years, I've lost close to 10 people because of addiction. But it is so incredibly inspiring to see people who were as close to death as I was walk into the rooms with little to nothing, start collecting chips and turn their lives around so they can help other people too. I get to see the shift in their thinking; the progress they make as human beings. I just gave a 60 day chip to a 19 year old kid yesterday. I smile every time I think about it. So I'm just going to keep on smiling.
Love to all of you!
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