Emily2002

Over Undie... Love it! lol


Words of wisdom. Thank you. I'm making some progress with setting boundaries lately, but I need to get more consistent and find some balance. My default is to give, give, give and oftentimes, it's giving that makes me feel better about myself. I just have to check in more with myself before making commitments, I guess.

DrakeCKC

It was that or "Overies".

Emily2002

Hope you had a good sleep, LS. Glad you're here, that you saw the Dr., and that I can take this journey with you. Only finishing up day #4 after starting yet again.

Emily2002

OK... I just spit tea out of my nose!

DrakeCKC

Several others had that same reaction.

Emily2002

Well, I'm sufficiently tired enough to call it a night you guys.

Again, Happy Birthday, Drake. Sweet dreams.

You too, Dee

Saskia

Jack, a belated congrats on 1 month!

SFcitychic, great that you went for your heating pad :-). Many years ago I found my little one was an inspiration to becoming sober. It worked for some years and after she went off to college I relapsed. I learned that a small child can be a powerful incentive but can't be the only reason.

I don't know where the time is flying off to - I've been in my new digs for a month! I love it and wish I could just capture a small moment and suspend time for a bit. That won't happen so I will simply try to live in the moment and enjoy the good ones as they unfold.

BoozeFree

Sfcitychick good job sticking with the heating pad. I threw my back out last summer and know how bad the pain can be. Finding new ways to deal with injuries can be tough but it's better than still using and drinking over it.

Time to womp! Looking forward to having Sunday off

SoberLeigh

Sfcitychic, I echo the others. Great job in reaching for that heating pad. Well done, girl.

Always remember the "I" in sobriety. Do this first and foremost for yourself; those around you and closest to you will experience the brilliance of the 'trickle down effect'.

SoberLeigh

Happy Thursday, Undies.

LonelyShadow

Had a surprisingly good day considering it's Day 3 after the worst Day 1 I've ever had.

It was Hell. I won't go into details because I know everyone here has been in that place.

I made it to the docs yesterday and was honest about the fact that my problem is alcohol.
I did tell him I suffer from depression and anxiety but I know that the depression is caused by the alcohol not the other way around. He was naturally concerned about the severity of the withdrawal symptoms (And the fact i'd been through withdrawal many times before, which I've read makes it worse) so he prescribed a week of diazepam to prevent further seizures and get some sleep. He wants to see me next week when we can talk a bit more (My thoughts were very disorganised so I found it hard to be coherent)

I do not know what else to say really.

Yes I am still convinced that I can do this, that abstinence is the only thing that will work for me, and that I need to work hard at my sobriety.
I have no desire to continue to drink
(My AV just told me that I do)
No, I don't, go away.

For now though all I can do is recuperate.
(And not drink, obviously)

Hope everyone is well.

SoberLeigh

Sending love and support, LS.

I am very glad that you have involved your doctor; forming such a partnership shows me, once again, just how strong and wise you are, LS.

I know you will beat this.

DrakeCKC

Sending all good love and thoughts your way LS.

Saskia

LS, I hope you know that we're all here for you. Anytime you want to chat, cry, yell or whatever, we are here rooting for you!

LonelyShadow

I do Sas thank you

I guess I don't know what to say really, I feel like every time I come back I resolve to make it different and make it my last Day 1, but that's happened over and over again. I thought I'd cracked it a number of times over the last year only to screw up right when it was the worst possible time to screw up (Before a friend's wedding was the worst) I hate how I keep having to come back and admit that once again I got it wrong. That I gave up and stupidly screwed up again.

I think a lot of factors went into it this time (Although I am aware the most important factor is that I took a drink even though I knew what would happen) but I guess I can see the reoccurring issues of isolation and anxiety always making it harder to avoid 'white knuckling' with the AV, essentially once I enter into a debate with the AV I am in danger of drinking, and in times of anxiety and isolation the AV has a lot more fuel, and a lot more time to try his tricks.

But really, I don't know what to do anymore. I'm confused.

Blaming anxiety and isolation, is that just my AV talking? I havn't learned to recognise it fully yet. Maybe I don't know what's AV and what isn't. For example if I have anxiety about joining a rugby team and making friends, is that the Beast making me anxious because it knows that having friends doing positive will end my isolation and threaten it's existence? Can it affect you that deeply?

That's odd, I think I recognised it just there.

I don't know, I'm rambling a little as it's only Day 3 and this diazepam is quite strong

Although I have a huge mess to clear up, I am grateful for the following

- I am still alive
- I didn't injure myself or others
- There are no legal ramifications
- I have a hugely supportive family and friends
- I have access to medical care (Amazing medical care that I feel I don't deserve)
- I still have the will to make this work, and have a better life than this pain.

And I am as ever, grateful for this site. Without some of the tools and knowledge accrued over the year, who knows, maybe I wouldn't even have made it this far.

Saskia

LS, I get it - I truly do because I went through more relapses than I could count. I kept thinking I could do it by myself with support here on SR. After over 2 years of trying and failing, over and over and over again, I felt horrible about myself. I finally, in complete desperation, went to see a pdoc I had last seen about 3 years before. He referred me to the pdoc who headed an addiction treatment program. He thought inpatient rehab would be a good option for me but I didn't want to go that route. I did agree to an outpatient 3-month long program. That saved my life! I stayed sober though it wasn't easy. I just didn't want to go inpatient so I was determined to make it through the program. It wasn't until the start of the third month that I began to believe that maybe I really could stay sober. Since then, I've attended quite a few AA meetings, an "after care" group from my program plus coming here on SR daily. In a about a week and a half I'll be at 7 months. There is just no way I could do it without all of my supports.

You are definitely not alone. It will be important to get past the feelings of shame and listening to the AV. For me, dealing with the AV was a real part of it but far from being sufficient for me to stay sober.

Please consider some kind of program, whether inpatient or outpatient. On my other thread, we recently lost one of our members. She had struggled over and over again. It was really rough. We don't want to lose you and care about you.

LonelyShadow

I had the feeling I really could do it on my own at about the three month mark last year, it truly felt amazing, I was finally able to see a future for myself and all the wonderful things that could come my way. They did start to happen too! So I really came down to earth with a crash when I drank before my friend's wedding.

This time around was similar, I was directly tackling my problems of isolation and reoccuring issues with my father by moving out.

New job, new place to live nearer to some friends and a new life. Things had finally clicked.

Nope, because here I am again. Lost it all in the space of a month, maybe it was too much to try and move out there all on my own. I read on here the other day "No major changes in the first year" and I remember reading it before, maybe it was too big a change and I expected too much of myself.

(And I'm really sorry for your loss, Sas, when we lose someone it's a stark reminder of what's at stake if we don't get this right)

Saskia

LS, one thing I'm not seeing in your post is about the impact the addiction itself has on our brains. The opiate receptors in the pleasure center of the brain cause the cravings. There's an excellent movie narrated by a doctor who himself is an alcoholic called "Pleasure Unwoven .....". It gives an easily understandable explanation of how alcoholism works. It is available on Amazon.

gleefan

LS - I thinks it's wonderful that you can look at yourself with rigorous honesty and admit that you want to drink. Some people feel their addiction wants to feed itself or their AV is talking or their disease is active. I feel it's important to use the approach that most deeply resonates, that you can relate to, but which ever you choose, the important thing is addressing it. I found that stuffing my feelings inside, being stoic, usually led to a drink. Acknowledging my feelings, even when they're ugly and undesirable, is what freed me from the little prison of secrets that I kept - from myself. The way out is through. For me, freedom is coming from practicing the tools of the recovery method(s) I choose.

Saskia - I think you bring up a very significant point about motivation for sobriety. I had some bad consequences that made me want to get sober but they never provided long term motivation for me to stay sober. Avoiding shame never stopped me from taking a drink when my drink of choice was whispering in my ear.

Peace and happiness, on the other hand, are tangible benefits that motivate me in recovery. The glimpses of peace that I felt in early sobriety were so powerful that I keep trying, keep striving, keep grinding away at the sometimes difficult, oftentimes painful work of recovery. And with time the pain eased - and the work has become fun. It's incredible!

Today at work my training group split up into our new teams. Some folks were struggling with the change, others are giddy. In active addiction, I would have pretended to be calm but inside would have felt distressed or elated. There was very little middle ground with me. Today I can look at myself with rigorous honesty and say that I feel somewhere in the middle - there are benefits and downsides, but I accept that it is necessary for us as we move forward in our careers. I am confident that I'll do my best to remain teachable with my new team and quietly share my strengths, without ego. No one at work knows whether I drink or not but my recovery hopefully shines through.

Have a good one, Undies.

Dee74

new thread time - join us here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...part-44-a.html

D