MariahGayle

Oh Sol, that is a heavy load to be carrying around....I'm glad you shared what is going on with you. I'm sure your Mom knew you loved & cared for her.....and I'm sure (as a Mom & Daughter) she would absolutely not want you to feel as you are. Have you shared your feelings about this with your husband? Maybe sharing them with your Dad would be a good idea.....You might not think he didn't have knowledge of your Moms drinking, but chances are he did & if so, he maybe experiencing the same feelings? I'm up for awhile longer if you want to talk a bit more....you can also PM me. Love & Hugs to you

MariahGayle

I just now saw your post or I would have responded sooner

Dee74

Go to User CP at the left hand side of the big blue toolbar that runs across the top of every page

click it and go to Edit Your Details - scroll down halfway down the page to 'About You' - you can edit your location there

D

Dee74

I think those feelings are more common than you think Solil?
This is a great thread - if you haven't seen it, I hope you'll read it?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-what-if.html

freein14

Solil, it's not your fault. You loved your mum dearly, she would have known that, whether you told her in words or not.

obosob

Sol: I had similar feelings when dad died. It really is not your fault.
I'm sorry you lost your mum. Dad was 66 when he died and it's too young. I know how you feel!!!

Soliloquy

Well the first thing I thought when I woke up is that I need to ask Dee to delete that post because I felt embarrassed, but it looks like everyone read it already and I guess maybe it's good because it helped to read the responses. So thank you. I will be sure to check out that thread when I have time Dee.
My dad did know that she drank but I know she hid how much. She was always sneaky about it. I caught her multiple times. I talked to her about it and told her she didn't have to hide it, she's an adult. I thought maybe if she drank openly and not secretly she would be more mindful about how much she consumed. For this reason I have always made sure not to hide when I drink. I didn't drink when I was alone often and when I did I limited myself and made sure to tell my husband how much, even if it was just one drink.
But I am sure she did not get to where she was over night. I like to think that I would never get to that point, but does anyone really make that decision? Not unless they have nothing to live for and she did. She did not want to die.
Okay now I will say something else that is hard for me to say. The last time I saw my mom before she went to the hospital she brought up her alcohol abuse for the first time. She had already told me that she barely drank at all anymore and I already knew that to be true (unfortunately at that point it was too late). She said when she got back home she was going to ask the doctor for help. She said "it's just something that has a hold of you" and she clinched her hand together in a ball. She apologized to me if she ever embarrassed me. Obviously she knew that her health problems were likely due to alcohol. She just didn't know how severe it was. I should've known. She was so sick when she was at my house she laid in bed most of the time. Barely ate. I tried to make her go to the doctor and she refused but I should've pushed it. I feel so stupid.
This is hard for me to talk about but it needs to be talked about and I want anyone who reads this to realize how deadly alcohol can be. Someone doesn't have to be a blatant stumbling drunk to die from it. They can appear to have it under control even to someone they've slept in the same bed with for nearly 40 years. It can take anyone down. And if you ever feel that someone needs medical attention do not allow them to brush it off. Be persistent.

I am beginning to realize how at risk I am for developing severe alcoholism in the future. My grand mom also drinks vodka albeit not nearly as much as my mom, she always has it. And I am pretty sure my great grandfather was an alcoholic. So it's in my blood.
Not only that but I first started drinking at the age of 15. I listened to a story on NPR about how drinking during the teenage years affects our brains and it was scary. The cards are against me.
I want to believe that I can quit while I'm ahead.

Thanks everyone for listening to me. I hate to have to do this here. I have such difficulty verbalizing my feelings. Hopefully therapy will help with that if I ever get the courage.

MariahGayle

Solilo - don't be embarrassed or feel bad about posting your thoughts & feelings here. I think it is good for you to get those things out.

I think you are honoring your Mom in a huge way by addressing your addiction to alcohol...I know she would be very proud & happy for you.

freein14

One of the wonderful blessings that SR gives us is that we can let go of hidden gremlins, knowing that we have a compassionate and understanding group of friends.

You're going to be fine, Solil. You have the knowledge and insight to make your future a bright one.

Mariah, hope you're feeling better.

I'm spending sooooo much time planning for these teaching sessions. How do I know that I've planned enough? I could go on for ever.

I don't think I would have agreed to do this if I'd known the amount of work involved (heavy sigh...)

Hopefully I'll have a breakthrough tomorrow and it will all come together.

Take care everyone.

Dee74

(((Solil)))

D

topspin

Soli,
What's happened so far in your life is a powerful reminder to me just how devastating alcohol can be. Your mom probably never realized the dangerous possibilities when she was your age. Many of us witness our folks drinking as we grow into middle age, ....and innocently, ...or naively use their example as a template for the risks.
Setting the example with your sobriety going forward may be the greatest blessing you can give your children and grandchildren.
Not that their risk will be nil, ( by your example ),,,,,, but at least it won't be increased because they witnessed you drinking through your life with no *apparent* health problems.

Freein, ....
I don't think I would have agreed to do this if I'd known the amount of work involved (heavy sigh...)

Can't tell you how many times this notion started crossing my mind around the second year I was building my cottage. ( It took 3 !!?! )

Hopefully you have only days, weeks, or months and not years of it still ahead.

Mariah, ....hope you're on the mend, ...or headed firmly in that direction.

Did my 60 staircases last night at work, ...and it's getting a little more manageable. When I think of what backpackers do everyday, ....60 staircases seems a little whimpy !?
My goal is 100, ....but going slow, trying to avoid any derailing injury on the way.

obosob

Morning fools.
8.48..
In bed.......
Yes!

Sol: Best therapy in town here in my opinion. Always someone here. Experienced support for so many issues. An opportunity to be completely honest anonymously. When you want to open up not at an arranged time.
I think it's great that you're writing all your thoughts and I think we all need to do it.
It's good for me too to read your posts.
I think this is a major part of the recovery process...like a cleansing of the soul.

Hope all are well...

Stay tuned.....

Soliloquy

Thanks everyone! I'm feeling better now. The sadness seems to come in waves but I just realized something good: I am allowing myself to feel it. Before, whenever I started to get sad about my mom I would immediately "change the subject" of my thoughts. That was easy during the day but at night I'd either have to stay awake until my brain was exhausted or take Diphenhydramine. I have been falling asleep much easier lately and I have been taking PMs way less.
I feel a lot better since not drinking but I am now starting to have internal struggles about it. It's really easy to convince myself that I don't have a problem. Obviously I do or I wouldn't be here. But that switch gets flipped instantly like a breaker and I have to keep turning it back on. I have to constantly tell myself in advance not to believe myself if I start thinking about how this is stupid and I don't need to do this and I'm just being paranoid. I came up with a rule for myself when it comes to thinking about alcohol (because I'm not NOT going to think about it) on a scale of 1-10, 1 being zero drinks and 10 being one drink, any thought that goes in the direction of 5+ is a lie. I could've worded that better but you get the point.

Tops you inspired me. I didn't feel like going on the treadmill today and I was lazy and didn't want to work out but I decided to go up and down the stairs.

Soliloquy

Oh and PS... 60 is not wimpy at all. I only did it like 20 times if that.

ChickChick

Solil. I'm glad you got that out here. Guit is no good. I hope you have a good day today.

Just popping in to say hi!

obosob

Hi

topspin

Way to change up your routine Soli !


Hi ChickChick !

Three day weekend starting for me already, ...so all in early on the bargain.
Hope everyone is saying warm, ...weatherman said the wind chill may have taken us down to the teens ( in Fahrenheit * ) last night. brrrrr !

May have to break out the girly weights after a while to warm myself up,...at 50* inside, it's wa..aaaay warmer than living in a tent anyway !?!

SolitaryThinker

I'm alive

Dee74

glad you're here ST

D

SolitaryThinker

Thanks...just don't have much to say I guess